Moving to care home today

[Caz60]

It's a step you need to take and it wont be good ,a mixture of total sadness grief and relief but your lives have to change and over time it will transform for both of you .
I've done it two years ago and cried lots and felt sadness like no other but it was the correct thing to do.Especially for my hubby he needed all the care and nursing he is getting.
You have to move on ,thinking of you xx

 

[Topsy7]

Hi @Topsy7

It's a difficult step isn't it.

My wife went into nursing care at the end of September and I have been through a whole range of emotions since.

After caring for her for 6+ years, it was a relief in many ways, not having to be on alert 24/7, having time to do what I want. However, I found it hard to relinquish the caring aspects and accept that the nursing home and it's lovely staff have their own ways and routines. As my wife is mainly blissfully unaware of what's going on around her, she has settled in well and seems happy.

The difficult aspect for me has been getting used to being on my own, especially coming home to an empty house. After 48 years of marriage (our anniversary was a couple of weeks after she moved to the NH), I miss the companionship, even though she was unable to communicate hardly at all these last few years.

If I've learnt one thing after soldiering along the dementia journey, it is how we (carers) cope and adapt to changing situations. I think the impending Christmas period is going to test this somewhat but I will put on a brave face.

Wishing you and all the lovely TP folk a very happy Christmas.

Phil

Thank you for your lovely reply. I’m sorry you have had to place your wife in a home but you have done your best and I hope you enjoy the relief of not giving 24/7 care.
It is so hard to let our loved ones be looked after. I have done this for 7 years and am so tired as I work too. Like you I miss the companionship the most
Hope you find a way to have some joy this Christmas even though it won’t be easy

 

[Topsy7]

It's a step you need to take and it wont be good ,a mixture of total sadness grief and relief but your lives have to change and over time it will transform for both of you .
I've done it two years ago and cried lots and felt sadness like no other but it was the correct thing to do.Especially for my hubby he needed all the care and nursing he is getting.
You have to move on ,thinking of you xx

Thank you; yes I know it’s right and in time i will accept it more but it is the hardest thing. Thanks for sharing your experience

 

[millalm]

@Topsy7 I looked for you this morning! I saw your posts saying it was an awful, horrible day, I felt your tiredness and your grief. I hope you will have a better week to come as you start to sort out the aftermath of this move.

 

[Topsy7]

@Topsy7 I looked for you this morning! I saw your posts saying it was an awful, horrible day, I felt your tiredness and your grief. I hope you will have a better week to come as you start to sort out the aftermath of this move.

Thank you for your concern
It has been truly dreadful but whether it was now or a few months time it would always be hard. I won’t see Bob until next Friday and hope he has settled a bit by then. Hope you have a good week too

 

[Topsy7]

I see you`ve been posting in the early hours @Topsy7. I hope you managed some sleep.

Sleep is coming at strange times but I am getting some. Thanks for your concern

 

[Topsy7]

I really feel for you, I am on the brink of making the same move with my own beloved husband. It is the hardest thing ever. Others on here have good advice, especially those trying to do their best for a partner. We are all different, be kind to yourself. X

I hope that you have the wisdom to know the right time and the courage to make the move. There is no easy way for any of us to walk this path but we can learn from others who’ve gone before. I wish you the best with your husband

 

[Topsy7]

Th

It's a step you need to take and it wont be good ,a mixture of total sadness grief and relief but your lives have to change and over time it will transform for both of you .
I've done it two years ago and cried lots and felt sadness like no other but it was the correct thing to do.Especially for my hubby he needed all the care and nursing he is getting.
You have to move on ,thinking of you xx

thank you; may you have all the support you need around you too

 

[AliceA]

Thankyou for sharing and encouragement. We have decided together, now to make it happen in a doable way.
It is a rough path that so many others have trod before us.

 

[Grannie G]

It is a rough path that so many others have trod before us.

It`s the roughest.
I know it was unavoidable for us but so painful I'm almost reliving it with those of you about to make this decision.

 

[AliceA]

I am sorry that you are reliving it, deep down it is always there incorporated in us.
It was brought home yesterday, we were watching the Crown together, this episode was about the Aberfan disaster. I burst in to tears, all the emotions I had in 1966 came flooding back with a vengeance.
Our daughters were the same age as the children who died at the time, the pain I felt for the parents was brought verwhelming.
Somehow people can imagine we have the power to start anew but it seems we can only coat and recoat.
We are all very vulnerable however brave we appear to the world. Perhaps this is our humanity showing through.

 

[Anmarg]

This is my first post but have been reading lots, my Dad moved into a care home for two weeks respite on the 23rd December, with a view to finding a more permanent placement. He has lived on his own most of his adult life, we as a family have been supporting him for the last two years and have tried everything in our power to keep him safe and independent in his own home.
About six weeks ago he went out twice in the middle of the night (he has door sensors). Thankfully, he was find safe with the help of the police, however with a very heavy heart that a care home would be the safest place for Dad.
I have been searching for support as I feel heartbroken and can't help be feel I could have done more and that I have failed him.
I have the same feelings that have been described in the above posts.
I thank you all for making me realise I am not feeling alone.
Dad has not settled, has been begging to come home and has called the police to report he has been kidnapped
I hope things get easier?
I wish you all the very best x

 

[Cat27]

This is my first post but have been reading lots, my Dad moved into a care home for two weeks respite on the 23rd December, with a view to finding a more permanent placement. He has lived on his own most of his adult life, we as a family have been supporting him for the last two years and have tried everything in our power to keep him safe and independent in his own home.
About six weeks ago he went out twice in the middle of the night (he has door sensors). Thankfully, he was find safe with the help of the police, however with a very heavy heart that a care home would be the safest place for Dad.
I have been searching for support as I feel heartbroken and can't help be feel I could have done more and that I have failed him.
I have the same feelings that have been described in the above posts.
I thank you all for making me realise I am not feeling alone.
Dad has not settled, has been begging to come home and has called the police to report he has been kidnapped
I hope things get easier?
I wish you all the very best x

Welcome to DTP @Anmarg
I’m glad you feel you are not feeling alone now you’ve found us. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[Anmarg]

Welcome to DTP @Anmarg
I’m glad you feel you are not feeling alone now you’ve found us. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

[Ponddweller]

Oh @Anmarg I’m so sorry that he’s not settling . That’s so distressing when all you want to do is keep him safe. My dad has just managed two paltry days at a home before my sister was guilt tripped into bringing him home. There are lots of people on here with loads of experience if the difficulties and emotions involved in getting a person to settle and I’m sure they’ll be along to offer support.

 

[canary]

How did he call the police @Anmarg ? If hes got a mobile perhaps it could get "broken". Mobiles and care homes are not a good match with dementia - it seems like a comforting thing to do, but actually its just a reminder of home. If he is using the care homes phone, perhaps you could have a word with them

 

[Anmarg]

Oh @Anmarg I’m so sorry that he’s not settling . That’s so distressing when all you want to do is keep him safe. My dad has just managed two paltry days at a home before my sister was guilt tripped into bringing him home. There are lots of people on here with loads of experience if the difficulties and emotions involved in getting a person to settle and I’m sure they’ll be along to offer support.

Hello, thank for your reply, I have spent the last two weeks feeling so much guilt and wanted to bring him home, so can relate to your sister. I have a meeting with social services tomorrow as he can't stay at this home, it's too expensive so am not looking forward to having to go through moving him again for him or me.
Thank you again for your support.

 

[Anmarg]

How did he call the police @Anmarg ? If hes got a mobile perhaps it could get "broken". Mobiles and care homes are not a good match with dementia - it seems like a comforting thing to do, but actually its just a reminder of home. If he is using the care homes phone, perhaps you could have a word with them

Hi Canary,
He rang from his mobile phone, the staff have asked if that could be taken off him, we have agreed he can have it 8am until 9, so I understand what you are saying completely. It just feels that another part of his independence and liberty is being taken away. Many thanks for your support I wasn't sure what to do for the best.

 

[Anmarg]

Hi Canary,
He rang from his mobile phone, the staff have asked if that could be taken off him, we have agreed he can have it 8am until 9, so I understand what you are saying completely. It just feels that another part of his independence and liberty is being taken away. Many thanks for your support I wasn't sure what to do for the best.

I have a devastating and shocking update to my Dads situation, as you know he was in respite and after a SS and CH review on Tuesday 7th Jan we decided to find him a more permanent suitable placement after evidence of poor care. It breaks my heart to say that I had a call from the CH at midnight on 9th Jan to inform me that Dad had been found knocking on the ground floor care him window after 'falling or jumping' of his first floor bedroom window.
It is a serious inquiry now. Dad has serious injuries, two fractured vertebrae, broken sacrum and blood in his skull from head injury.
Dad was very active and physically fit, these are potential life changing injuries and we are beside ourselves. I just don't know where to go with my guilt and emotions at the moment.

 

[Avis]

I have a devastating and shocking update to my Dads situation, as you know he was in respite and after a SS and CH review on Tuesday 7th Jan we decided to find him a more permanent suitable placement after evidence of poor care. It breaks my heart to say that I had a call from the CH at midnight on 9th Jan to inform me that Dad had been found knocking on the ground floor care him window after 'falling or jumping' of his first floor bedroom window.
It is a serious inquiry now. Dad has serious injuries, two fractured vertebrae, broken sacrum and blood in his skull from head injury.
Dad was very active and physically fit, these are potential life changing injuries and we are beside ourselves. I just don't know where to go with my guilt and emotions at the moment.

You poor thing. It must have been terrible for you, your dad and the rest of the family. I hope he makes a speedy recovery and that the CH puts him in a more secure area. Best wishes.