Moving Mum from Care Home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Suzysue, Jun 1, 2015.

  1. Suzysue

    Suzysue Registered User

    Jan 24, 2014
    Mum has been in her care home for eighteen months. Sometimes, she is content,but generally she complains about the food, the carers, the other residents and wishes herself dead.She has Alzheimers, mixed with Vascular Dementia and is 87.
    My older sister can't bear to see her so unhappy, and I find it distressing,but feel that this is the disease and she'll probably never be happy again. My sister has some issues with the care,but generally Mum seems well cared for. There is a lot going on at the home;singing,exercise classes, entertainment, parties.We can walk to the local shops and behind is a lovely park,where we go to feed the ducks.Mum loves all this, but this isn't every day and when there's nothing going on or no visitors, she's miserable and says she can't stay and must leave.
    My sister has tried taking her to another care home,where her sister is - miles away where she grew up.She hated it and wanted to come 'home'.She is now suggesting she moves in with her! I feel that this is a terrible idea.My sister is a carer and feels she can look after Mum better than the care home. She refuses to educate herself about dementia and I don't think she really realises exactly what she is taking on.She is 67 and still works part-time.I'm worried that Mum will be confused and frightened and that she won't be safe when my sister leaves her to go to work. I see Mum 4 or 5 times a week and because of location and my work committments, I would only manage once or twice a week. I'd miss her and she'd miss me.There aren't shops or parks within walking distance and Mum will be a prisoner in a much smaller enviroment than she is now.
    I'm sorry this is so long! And I could go on,but essentially is it right to move Mum?Will it make her happy?I spend my life worrying about my Mum.
  2. Isabella41

    Isabella41 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    Northern Ireland
    Hi Suzysue. Not to put too fine a point on it .. it would be absolute madness to even consider taking your mum out of her care home. An 87 year old woman with this diagnosis needs care 24/7. There is no way your sister can provide this level of care however good her intentions are. In addition to this the fact your sister has a part time job means your mum would be totally on her own at this time. What safeguards would your sister plan to put in place to ensure your mum is safe.
    My own mum is in a care home and like your own mum's home it is a great place with lots to do. Mum still complains she is not happy and there is nothing to do but looking at it logically what more could she do if she were living elsewhere. Its the same for your mum.
    Look at it as its the illness talking and not your mum. You will drive yourself daft if you don't try to detatch yourself from the dementia and its associated behaviors. I would also suggest you speak to staff in the home and they will be able to reassure you that this unhappiness is perfectly normal.
  3. Suzysue

    Suzysue Registered User

    Jan 24, 2014
    Thank you for replying.I do try to believe it's the dementia talking,but unfortunately my sister doesn't.I have told my sister I do not support her decision, but I think she will go ahead and all I can hope is that Mum hates being there, too, which is an awful thing to wish on anyone,let alone my lovely Mum.
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    You know all the reasons why not, but convincing your sister, how on earth are you going to do that? If she is determined I suppose showing her this thread would be a bit of a waste of time, but worth trying. Your mother's safety must be paramount. My mum has lived with me for over a year and it very quickly became 24/7 care from me, biggest danger area is kitchen, if I go outside for just a few minutes, she is in there doing all kinds of things and none of it makes any sense, It may be that she remembers she is my mum and needs to 'cook' for me. Lots of dangers and no restrictions in a private residence. Have seen threads on here with same question, can't honestly remember reading if anyone has been successful with this, hopefully they'll post soon.
  5. Mannie

    Mannie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    Bracknell area
    Why don't you suggest a meeting with social services to plan your mums care with a view to if/when she is with your sister . It may be that it could work if some care can be arranged so that your sister does it as a joint effort with social services. It depends really on both your mums needs and your sisters needs and yours also, but it might help you to decide together how to go forward.

    To engage SS your sister could ask the GP for a new referral to get the ball rolling.
  6. Jenga

    Jenga Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    Hi Suzy
    It sounds such a similar pattern that our loved ones in care homes complain that they hate where they are, the staff are horrible etc, but that is usually only to those they recognise ( you and your sister) what do the care staff say your mum is like once you have gone? My mum givesx my dad a terrible time when he visits, she cries and says how much she hates it but within half an hour she is with her friends chatting and enjoying the activities. Is your sister a member of this site, if she were to read that your mums behaviour is quite common and also that leaving our loved ones home alone is not ideal she may think again. The majority of our care homes. Ow are excellent and offer fantastic 24/7 care so much more than we can give as much as we would want to.
  7. Suzysue

    Suzysue Registered User

    Jan 24, 2014
    Hi Jenga,
    Thank you for replying.Everyone on here is so helpful.Unfortunately,she refuses to look.She says she doesn't want to know.She is in denial,I think, she was very shaken when Mum was diagnosed.We are self-funding-we sold Mums' house to pay for her care.My sister has POA,which I did on-line.SS only seem to help when there's a crisis and we didn't want Mum to be in a crisis situation.
    I feel powerless.
  8. count2ten

    count2ten Registered User

    Dec 13, 2013
    Hi SuzySue, you are not as powerless as you think - the CH manager has a duty of care to safeguard your mother's wellbeing while she is in that home, and it would probably be best to insist on having a meeting arranged that all concerned can attend (including social services) so that a balanced decision could be reached that would be in your mother's best interests.
  9. Isabella41

    Isabella41 Registered User

    Feb 20, 2012
    Northern Ireland
    There is also an order that can be got (can't recall what its called) that prevents someone from leaving a care home if it would be in their best interests to stay. I really think you should involve the care home manager in this and also write a registered letter to Social Services clearly setting out what would happen if your mum were to live with your sister - i.e being left alone while your sister is at work and the risks associated with this. Use the words 'vulnerable' and 'at risk' in your letter. This normally gets a response. Also point out they have a duty of care to ensure your mum is safe.
  10. Suzysue

    Suzysue Registered User

    Jan 24, 2014
    Thanks Isabella,after reading these replies, I've been thinking that I really need to involve professional help.I think her intention is for Mum to see if she likes it, over a week-end ,I'm hoping she won't ! If she wants to stay with my sister,then, I have to make sure that SS are involved and proper care is in place.I just have an awful feeling it's all going to end in tears.
  11. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    Frankly, as your sister has not got a clue, she is putting your Mum at risk. Case of a little knowledge being a dangerous thing. Far worse than folk on here who have taken on caring and know they have to arm themselves with knowledge and a lot more beside.
    I'd challenge her and ask her if she intends to leave work and care for Mum 24/7, because that is what Mum needs and has been receiving - so she is getting less isn't she? Chances are that eventually she may not register who your sister is, and feel alone and frightened. Agree the best interests meeting is called for, certainly to make your sister aware of what might lie ahead. And no, you can't make an AD patient happy as often testified on here.
  12. GUSGUS

    GUSGUS Registered User

    Oct 27, 2014
    We experienced this with MIL,she hated her first home,but moving her somewhere where she was on her own was not an option,as she was well past that point.Plus she could not live with us,
    We had a family meeting with MIL at her old care home with the care home manager too as she wanted mil to be happy too,her sister came for moral support to us,we have a wonderful social worker(there are a few about)and the OT was there too,we all talked civil as at the end of the day we wanted mil happy(as she could be),within 3 days we had 3 new homes to visit,which we all did as a family,two were awful but the third was lovely,lots of activities,hair dresser etc,well,within the month we had moved her and she is such a changed lady.
    Our visits now are enjoyable,well as they can be but the "wish I could come home "have stopped ,well till another phase.
    The other day she actually showed someone who was thinking of joining the home around her room and she said" you won't go wrong here it's lovely."
    Mil is not self funded either and the help we experienced was excellent,I know many have horror stories and maybe we have been very lucky .There is help out there,like us,starting the first "ask" is the hardest.
    I hope you get some help,it sounds like you need it .

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  13. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    Sorry things are so difficult right now. In my mother's home a lady's family insisted she was well enough to go home. The staff were very against it ,but she's gone . I don't know the circumstances but the ch manager has kept the room for her as she believes it won't be too long until she'll be back. Sad thing is , the lady was going home to be by herself :(

    As for the being unhappy, the staff tell me my mum is in great form, singing and chatting. As soon as she sees me she starts about going home , giving me the dirty looks etc. They reckon she saves it all for me :mad:
  14. Suzysue

    Suzysue Registered User

    Jan 24, 2014
    Thanks for all the replies. Shark2-I know that feeling!I've spoken to a brilliant advisor on the Alzheimers help-line this morning.She assures me this is not my sisters' decision to take and that ultimately SS will have the final say.I feel so relieved, although I guess there are still going to be problems ahead.I just hope Mum will start to feel more content in her home.

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