moving from one care home to another

[nestle]

Hi Folks
My partner has Lewybody dementia, on monday coming I am moving him from his current care home to
a new long term dementia unit. I am wondering how best to approach this with him. of course due to all the
restrictions he hasn't been out or seen much of me in a long time.
I'm thinking of just turning up and telling him in a cheerful way ,we are going for a trip out , arrive at the new care home and
suggest we go in for a cup tea and see if there's anything to eat. Then have a wander round , look in the garden
and later on go to his new room suggesting to him he makes himself comfortable and stays a while . I guess its going
to depend how he is on the day. I don't know how much of the 'truth 'to tell him ?
The reason for the move is that the current care home is general residential and have said they are struggling to
meet his needs now his dementia is more advanced.
I would be grateful for any thoughts , ideas and tips
Thank you

 

[Banjomansmate]

Your plan sounds good except for the fact you seem to have overlooked that you might not be allowed into the new Care Home with him because of Covid restrictions .

 

[Louise7]

Hello @nestle It sounds like you have a really good plan in place for moving your partner as it's best to keep the information you provide to a minimum prior to or during the move. As mentioned above, there may be restrictions on you entering the home, or you may be allowed in subject to a negative covid test and PPE/infection control procedures. If you can't go inside with your partner the care home staff will have techniques in place to deal with this but if you haven't already done so best to discuss this with the manager to check what procedures will be in place on Monday. I hope the move goes well and that your partner soon settles in to his new home.

 

[canary]

I think it very likely that you wont be allowed into the new care home.

I like the rest of your plan, though. Why not turn up, tell him that you are going somewhere for tea (maybe lunch) and drive him there. Then when you get as far as you are allowed, suddenly "remember" something that you have left in the car. Say to him "you go ahead - Ive got to get [xxx] from the car" and leave him with the carers, who will know how to deal with the situation. You might like to phone the care home up to let them know what you are planning so that they can continue the ruse.

 

[nestle]

Thank you all, as it happens we are fortunate that the new care home is allowing me to go in with him and spend time with him, of course subject to negative covid test etc etc. Last week I did a covid test for research and it was negative, as I live alone and have minimal contact with other folk I' m hopeful to return another negative test on monday.

 

[Weasell]

So he has Lewybody dementia, they can’t handle his behaviour and you haven’t seen him through lockdown!
I think they should be providing you with a member of staff to support you
( be treated to lunch!!!!!)
When you get to the door the staff member can also say ‘ I have left my mobile phone in the car’ and return to the car. ( They won’t want them entering the new home)
Consider paying for a taxi back for the staff.

I agree out to lunch is better, it’s earlier in the day and guarantees a food reward.

If the distance isn’t too great then don’t take a case or bag, return later in the day.

 

[canary]

as it happens we are fortunate that the new care home is allowing me to go in with him and spend time with him, of course subject to negative covid test etc etc.

Will you have to wear PPE and, if so, will this upset him?
If its likely to upset him then it might be better to leave him at the door.
Be prepared to be flexible once you get there.
The main thing is to get him into the home.

 

[nestle]

Thank you , I have thought about the need to be flexible . I have seen him I think 5 times since last march. Perhaps I've done well compared to some. His Children are supporting with the transfer.
He has questioned the face mask but last time I saw him he didn't comment. I'd told him it was to keep him
safe from catching any bugs. Each time I've seen him I've seen a change in him. I endeavour to speak to him every week but its not easy skype etc is no good. I write to him and send him stuff. I feel he is in a very low state now. The new home has free access to outdoor space , a higher staffing ratio and is doing window visits so I hope his quality of life will improve. I know my story is common but it doesn't take the heartbreak away

 

[DennyD]

Nestle, I think you've thought it trough very well. It's good news that the new home gives him access to outdoor space and that you can foresee his quality of life will improve. Also good that his children are helping with transfer. In dementia world the story may be common - regrettably - but as you say by no means it is any less heartbreaking, especially so this last year during which (and continues to be) hard to maintain close contact. I hope it will work out fine.

 

[Evie5831]

Hi Folks
My partner has Lewybody dementia, on monday coming I am moving him from his current care home to
a new long term dementia unit. I am wondering how best to approach this with him. of course due to all the
restrictions he hasn't been out or seen much of me in a long time.
I'm thinking of just turning up and telling him in a cheerful way ,we are going for a trip out , arrive at the new care home and
suggest we go in for a cup tea and see if there's anything to eat. Then have a wander round , look in the garden
and later on go to his new room suggesting to him he makes himself comfortable and stays a while . I guess its going
to depend how he is on the day. I don't know how much of the 'truth 'to tell him ?
The reason for the move is that the current care home is general residential and have said they are struggling to
meet his needs now his dementia is more advanced.
I would be grateful for any thoughts , ideas and tips
Thank you

That sounds a lovely way to introduce him to the change! Will they let you in to the new home though due to current restrictions? Just this morning I have had to leave my mum at the doors of her new care home and walk away ?
Maybe you should have a back up plan just in case. Does he have a favourite piece of music that he could have playing when he first goes in?
I hope everything goes well for you both and you have a successful transition

 

[nestle]

Thanks everyone.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation Evie, that must have been harrowing. Hugs to you. Hope you mum settles well.
We can only hope that these terrible restrictions will one day end and we will be allowed to hug our l
loved ones again

 

[nestle]

How you doing Evie5831 ?
I was just wondering if you mind to tell me how the carers handled it when you took your mum to the new care home., in case that happens to us.
If you rather not talk about it then that's ok

 

[nestle]

when I think about leaving him in a place he doesn't know with people he does'nt know I feel very scared

 

[Shedrech]

hi @nestle
this is such a tough experience for you
sorry if this sounds trite ... the care home staff will be very used to welcoming a new resident and will do their very best to help him settle ... it bodes well that you are able to actually go in together, they have understood the both of you need this, so they are already showing willing to be accommodating and helpful
best wishes to you both

 

[nestle]

Thank you Shedrech , I know what you say is true.
its the battle between reason and emotion along with a visit from the grief monster.

 

[nestle]

Recovering now from supporting his move ,of all the things that could've gone wrong , nothing did!!
It all went incredibly smoothly and although its early days he seems to have taken to his new environment like a duck to water !! Feeling relieved that he is now living in an environment that can better meet his needs and with easy access to a garden his sense of wellbeing and quality of life will improve.

As I live 3 hour drive away his daughter who lives near by has agreed to be his 'designated visitor'.
Pre pandemic I visited every week but that is not sustainable in the long run. I intend to visit about every 3 weeks when things open up. Its been difficult to navigate this journey with his children but signs are that is improving but I feel tentative.
I write every week , the carers read my letters to him.
I try to talk to him on phone but I find it intensely traumatic and wonder is it OK to stop speaking to him on phone because of deep impact it has on me ?
I wonder after so long with being hyper vigilant from a distance is it OK to step back and relax ?

 

[canary]

Im so glad that the move went smoothly - that must have been a relief.

I think that many people with dementia get to a stage when they dont understand about phone calls and who is speaking to them on the phone, so they find it quite distressing. I think it is perfectly OK to step back from talking to him on the phone. You can continue to make phone calls to the staff to find out how he is and can continue to send letters/cards/postcards so that he knows you have not forgotten him

 

[Banjomansmate]

Delighted to hear that it all went well.?

 

[Sarasa]

So pleased it all went well @nestle. The new home sounds ideal for your partner, and I hope you can step back and relax a little now. Hopefully hen things start to open up you'll be able to visit and enjoy the garden with him.

 

[nestle]

Thank you all