mother making me feel guilty

[Moonflower]

It is unfair, Maisy Moo. I have been running around after/lying awake at night worrying about/spending all my free time on my parents - now just my mum - for about 8 years. I am so fed up with the relentlessness of it - and mum's in a care home, I don't know how people cope who care 24/7. I have a full time job and 2 kids - daughter with a life limiting disability - as well.
Mum is, apart from dementia, very well indeed. She could go on like this for many years yet. She puts so much effort into making me feel guilty and pushing me to spend more time with her.
But. Her mum was in the then equivalent of a care home, having moved to the other end of the country to be near us. Mum visited once a week, and not at all for 8 weeks in the summer so she could have a break.
In mum's head now, she cared tirelessly for her mother, and her aunt (who she never visited at all)
At my age (55) she was retired, with a very high standard of living (nice holiday home, eating out 3 times a week etc) and no responsibilities for anyone else.
Yet whatever I do isn't enough. It's hard to admit but I really don't like her much some days

 

[Owly]

I would like to reduce my visits - but I moved her 500 miles to be close to me so unless I visit or OH does she knows nobody, so I do feel responsible
Also, OH feels sorry for her (she is nice to him!) so if I try to get a day off visiting he tends to say he'll go...
At the moment I am working on getting it down to 5 days a week, with OH visiting one day and no visit one day.
Whatever I do she isn't happy. She would be happy if I could wind the clock back 10 years - anything else won't do

Moonflower, you've become a slave to your Mum's unreasonable demands. These narcissistic mums are well described in that link I gave on page 1 as emotional vampires. No matter how much attention you give her, she'll want more. It's a kind of insatiable need, a bottomless pit. She's got invisible feelers into you, and she's feeding off your energies! No wonder you're exhausted.

Why not follow her example, just visit once a week? I would. If that was 'good-enough' caring for her, in her day, then let that example be 'good-enough' caring for you too.

You say that if you or OH don't visit, "she knows nobody". It might encourage her to start thinking of the other care home residents as her family and to get more of the attention she needs from them.

 

[Moonflower]

Owly, I know you are right. I wish I had more graciousness, but I don't
I am trying to cut down on visits, and I will get there a little at a time - really busy time at work for the next few weeks so I will have a good reason to cut back.

It's just that she has nobody but me and OH - my brother has never visited her in the care home (2 1/2 years),not once.

Sorry for hijacking your thread to have a grumble, Maisy Moo, at least you know you're not alone..

 

[Twoode]

By the way Maisie Moo you cannot be the worst daughter in the world cos that's my job!! Well according to my mother anyway. ;-)


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

I think we are in competition for this title
My Mum has 1 friend whos daughter is so wonderful and cleans for her and takes her out. Errr, Mum lives with us. I do EVERYTHING for her and work full time. Mine couldnt see kindness if you slapped her round the face with it.
Its funny how they have alot of similar traits. Dont know if its old age or dementia. I would struggle to cope if it wasnt for this site.

 

[Katrine]

Have you ever wondered what the friend's mum says about you, Twoode? Perhaps you are the perfect daughter in someone else's eyes. Competitive mums don't stop their one-upwomanship when their time at the school gates is over.

 

[clareglen]

Hi Clareglen, how are you today?

I'm OK. She's not going into respite til next Fri. I have family but they don't really support me. Daughter says why don't you just put her in full time - I reply I'm not there emotionally yet. Husband doesn't say much other than I'm running myself ragged & does she need to go in somewhere full time. I too am going through menopause & have started cancer med Letrozole which I can only describe as anti HRT. In the summer when I'd had my op they were able to give her her tablets in pill alarm & she could manage on her own but since then she has really deteriorated & when I was ill with flu (have had every virus going after radiotherapy) my daughter & my husband going in 'didn't count' as it wasn't me. There are many on here in far worse situations than mine. At least she sleeps at night. I feel for those who have spouses with dementia. It is very cathartic reading this forum.

 

[KazzyF]

My Mum - 83, no dementia, though - often tries to make me feel guilty because I don't, apparently, do as much for her as her friends' daughters do for their elderly widowed mothers.

I am constantly being compared, unfavourably, to the daughter of her childhood friend Jessie by being told that "Denise has always lived with her Mum and is Jessie's full-time carer and do you know, Denise has never married or ever had a boyfriend because she's been looking after her Mum."

Poor woman. I bet she wishes she had had a life


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[KazzyF]

I'm OK. She's not going into respite til next Fri. I have family but they don't really support me. Daughter says why don't you just put her in full time - I reply I'm not there emotionally yet. Husband doesn't say much other than I'm running myself ragged & does she need to go in somewhere full time. I too am going through menopause & have started cancer med Letrozole which I can only describe as anti HRT. In the summer when I'd had my op they were able to give her her tablets in pill alarm & she could manage on her own but since then she has really deteriorated & when I was ill with flu (have had every virus going after radiotherapy) my daughter & my husband going in 'didn't count' as it wasn't me. There are many on here in far worse situations than mine. At least she sleeps at night. I feel for those who have spouses with dementia. It is very cathartic reading this forum.

Maybe your OH has a point? Perhaps you need a break away from everything. I am hoping you manage to have a restful time whilst she is in respite. Don't let her fool you into thinking it is awful. I have found that my Mum tells me all sorts of horror stories which plainly are not true and the care home staff say she actually quite enjoys herself. It's a bit like kids when you leave them somewhere they play on your heart strings just for the hell of it!
Good luck with your treatment. Rest well.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[cobden28]

Hi Cobden, Your mum sounds just like mine, I too feel it must be an awful shame for Denise, like Noorza said. Does your mam need caring for , or is she just attention seeking like mine?

Mum has numerous health issues which make life difficult for her, but she can get around albeit slowly. She has a home help (or whatever they're called nowadays) come in for an hour a week to help out with the heavy domestic tasks and goes out to an OAP club. The problem with Mum is that I am her only child and nearest living relative....we had to move down south fifty years ago after she divorced my late father VERY acrimoniously and was disowned/disinherited by her family for doing so, hence she's had no contact with her family since the early 1960's.

Over the years she has had disagreements with my husband of 40+ years and has called me a 'wicked, ungrateful, undutiful daughter' for daring to agree with Mike and to not automatically take her side in a disagreement. I still visit her although not as often as Mum would like, and nine times out of ten I'm treated to a lecture on what she thinks I 'ought' to be doing for her .

 

[sjcares]

Hi all, I've posted on here about my mothers moods, It's just what you all have describe. My Mom,as been like this with me since I can remember, full of criticism even with me as a child and telling overs behind my back how useless I am,even sometimes in ear shot but she thinks I cant here her, even to her brothers, one brother tells me everything she says behind my back and I sometimes feel powerless, and very depressed sorry! but when I am there fully in a room will praise me to friends or strangers. if I complain to others, people think I'm just a needy moaning person. You moms lovely they say.

Mom was diagnosed with mixed dementia 3 years ago, lives at home with the early stages ,is quite well for her 81 years apart from her dementia. I'm out of work and in my fifties after retraining and working hard to get office work had temp jobs but there are thousands of people in my age group whom cant get work no matter how well they are and how much experience they have. I was advised to retrain after a spinal operation by my consultant as I cant do the jobs I've done all my working life.
I have a son who takes her side and bully's me verbally which makes it unbearable at times. he is the golden child and cant do any wrong, My son only comes up to cook himself food and wash his clothes when hes broke, he doesn't even offer to take her shopping in his car, but he does more for her them me.(you know the story)LOL. This used to be my brother position but he sadly died at 29 I have no other siblings. Mom and me also lost my father to cancer at the age of 52 and she never remarried. I'm divorced now, and would like to meet another man to have a relationship with, but I get long before the dementia, THAT SHE ONLY HAD ONE IN HER LIFE, I'm made sometimes to feel that I'm easy because I would like a relationship. LOL.
The dementia causes mom to not recognise me at times, so she will get very angry at me even worse now she as dementia. I've been on a dementia course and try to cope.

Mom wants to go out, has saving a five figure sum, a brought and paid for house and as full benefits, AA etc. I'm her carer and help with reading her mail, fetching her for appointments and outings as she as difficulty reading the clocks and turns up hours before apointments etc. She wants to go out and I'm on her bus pass as her carer but still have to pay on buses to get to her home, as I don't drive. She expects me to pay fully in cafes and when she knows who I am will pay half's, I have told her that I cant afford to keep going out but this is meet with anger.
Other daughter do this! others drive, etc etc! She as lost most of her friends now and as stopped going out to her clubs as she finds it hard to concentrate on bingo and reading also. I do love her but I'm glad others can understand that Narcissism may get worse with dementia . She is in denial about her illness, wont let me be a deputy or have a power of attorney. ASW is very helpful, but thinks I'm just low with the coping and being out of work etc. with little money for a social life. I'm so glad I can rant on here and find that someone understands our plight. I was told by one lady on this site, that I'm needy and have to stick up for myself regarding my mother and my son and refuse to pay when out. I have explained to Mom that if I'm working, she would have to pay for a carers full expenses when on outings. I'm shouted at in public, told she as nothing wrong with her and made to feel that I'm being nasty to her in public. I do look for work it nearly a full time job LOL and stick up for myself regarding my mom and my son. So so empathic to other people with this kind of treatment as well as dealing with the dementia. sorry for the long rant.

 

[SueShell]

This is my Mum to a tee! She's always been self-absorbed, narcissistic, hypochondriac, nasty person with the shortest fuse known to man! I'm her sole carer as an only child, and although I do everything for her, I'm doing it out of duty rather than any love or affection. Afraid I cannot empathise as much as I know I should with her getting this dreadful AD because she's always been a very difficult person, so its a bit like the boy who cried wolf. I'm all out of sympathy because she's always been so difficult as a person since I was a small child.

 

[clareglen]

Don't let her fool you into thinking it is awful. I have found that my Mum tells me all sorts of horror stories which plainly are not true

Thanks. It will be her 2nd period of respite but in a different home. The last time she accused a nurse of stealing which she wasn't & also she'd been summoned to a meeting about it & they (all of residents in lounge) were booing her When I looked at them they were asleep/could hardly sit up, never mind all get together to boo

 

[sjcares]

I know how you feel, I have guilt feelings but I'm so fed up of my selfish son having ago as well. I truly empathise with you. Keep strong I know its hard.