Mother has moved into my home

[Coniston]

Hello all
My father passed away late July and my mother, having a diagnosis three years ago of vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s has come to live with me on a permanent basis. She has been stable since her diagnosis having memory issues and loss of executive function.
She can’t remember that my Dad has died and frequently asks to ring him or go to see him- she stayed with me often over the past two years as his health was failing and rang him whilst here- and I’m finding it difficult to gauge my response. Sometimes I do “remind“ her that he has passed away but I also simply change the subject at other times . I have left out the many sympathy cards and letters on her desk which she looks over daily but she still asks to phone him, yesterday whilst actually reading a card.
She’s also becoming increasingly insistent on requesting to join me on any outings I need to make which is usually impossible and I’m finding it awful to tell her no, she can’t come with me and then she requests to come and stay in the car!
Given she was alone for much of the time when she lived at her own home, I’m struggling to understand how to explain that I need to attend meetings etc, to which she simply can’t come.
She totally refuses any mention of carers to call in whilst I’m out, although I’m never away for more than 3 hours at any one time.
It’s all very new and I’d appreciate any advice on how best to move forward and help her adjust.

 

[Chez61]

Hello all
My father passed away late July and my mother, having a diagnosis three years ago of vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s has come to live with me on a permanent basis. She has been stable since her diagnosis having memory issues and loss of executive function.
She can’t remember that my Dad has died and frequently asks to ring him or go to see him- she stayed with me often over the past two years as his health was failing and rang him whilst here- and I’m finding it difficult to gauge my response. Sometimes I do “remind“ her that he has passed away but I also simply change the subject at other times . I have left out the many sympathy cards and letters on her desk which she looks over daily but she still asks to phone him, yesterday whilst actually reading a card.
She’s also becoming increasingly insistent on requesting to join me on any outings I need to make which is usually impossible and I’m finding it awful to tell her no, she can’t come with me and then she requests to come and stay in the car!
Given she was alone for much of the time when she lived at her own home, I’m struggling to understand how to explain that I need to attend meetings etc, to which she simply can’t come.
She totally refuses any mention of carers to call in whilst I’m out, although I’m never away for more than 3 hours at any one time.
It’s all very new and I’d appreciate any advice on how best to move forward and help her adjust.

Hi.
I don't have any advice as I'm quite new at dealing with a Mum with dementia. But I just wanted to say you sound like a very caring daughter and your are caring for your Mum in such a gentle and loving way. Maybe you are a reflection of your Mum.
Take care and be kind to yourself too. X

 

[Chaplin]

Hello all
My father passed away late July and my mother, having a diagnosis three years ago of vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s has come to live with me on a permanent basis. She has been stable since her diagnosis having memory issues and loss of executive function.
She can’t remember that my Dad has died and frequently asks to ring him or go to see him- she stayed with me often over the past two years as his health was failing and rang him whilst here- and I’m finding it difficult to gauge my response. Sometimes I do “remind“ her that he has passed away but I also simply change the subject at other times . I have left out the many sympathy cards and letters on her desk which she looks over daily but she still asks to phone him, yesterday whilst actually reading a card.
She’s also becoming increasingly insistent on requesting to join me on any outings I need to make which is usually impossible and I’m finding it awful to tell her no, she can’t come with me and then she requests to come and stay in the car!
Given she was alone for much of the time when she lived at her own home, I’m struggling to understand how to explain that I need to attend meetings etc, to which she simply can’t come.
She totally refuses any mention of carers to call in whilst I’m out, although I’m never away for more than 3 hours at any one time.
It’s all very new and I’d appreciate any advice on how best to move forward and help her adjust.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

As the dementia progresses, your mum will lose the ability to relate to her husband’s death and the sympathy card in her hand. It’s so hard to explain but an example which happens every time we visit mum in her care home, she welcomes us warmly, hugs and kisses but then asks why her husband hasn’t visited her, when he’s sat right next to her often holding her hand! Today I was her mum! She seems to recognise us as someone she knows but she’s no longer able to understand our relationship.
She doesn’t recognise this as the man she married almost 67 years ago, it is so hard and there is no right or wrong response to these situations, you just have to do your best to deflect when necessary. My mum is almost 89, and asks me why her parents haven’t been to visit! She needs to hear reassurance they still care for her, so I will say they are very old and can’t manage the bus ride to see her but they send their love, 9/10 she’s satisfied with this. Other times she will say, ‘my mum and dad are not here anymore are they’ to which I say, sadly not but they would be incredibly old if they were, again it’s responding to the way she asks the question. This often makes her smile and it deflects to something else going on.

Many people on the Forum will say there comes a point where you stop asking what your loved one wants and arrange what they need. Why don’t you arrange for your mum to attend a day centre for people with dementia. This was essential when my mum was still living at home with dad as her main carer. If you asked her if she wanted to go she would always say no, but she always enjoyed the company and activities when she got there,

Maybe arranging a companion for your mum would help overcome the issue when you have to work or go to meetings. In addition, you need to make sure you find some time to relax too.

She must be very confused and although she forgets your dad died, she may well feel that emptiness we all experience with loss, but her dementia stops her from rationalising these feelings! If only we could take a peek inside their thoughts hey!

 

[Coniston]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

As the dementia progresses, your mum will lose the ability to relate to her husband’s death and the sympathy card in her hand. It’s so hard to explain but an example which happens every time we visit mum in her care home, she welcomes us warmly, hugs and kisses but then asks why her husband hasn’t visited her, when he’s sat right next to her often holding her hand! Today I was her mum! She seems to recognise us as someone she knows but she’s no longer able to understand our relationship.
She doesn’t recognise this as the man she married almost 67 years ago, it is so hard and there is no right or wrong response to these situations, you just have to do your best to deflect when necessary. My mum is almost 89, and asks me why her parents haven’t been to visit! She needs to hear reassurance they still care for her, so I will say they are very old and can’t manage the bus ride to see her but they send their love, 9/10 she’s satisfied with this. Other times she will say, ‘my mum and dad are not here anymore are they’ to which I say, sadly not but they would be incredibly old if they were, again it’s responding to the way she asks the question. This often makes her smile and it deflects to something else going on.

Many people on the Forum will say there comes a point where you stop asking what your loved one wants and arrange what they need. Why don’t you arrange for your mum to attend a day centre for people with dementia. This was essential when my mum was still living at home with dad as her main carer. If you asked her if she wanted to go she would always say no, but she always enjoyed the company and activities when she got there,

Maybe arranging a companion for your mum would help overcome the issue when you have to work or go to meetings. In addition, you need to make sure you find some time to relax too.

She must be very confused and although she forgets your dad died, she may well feel that emptiness we all experience with loss, but her dementia stops her from rationalising these feelings! If only we could take a peek inside their thoughts hey!

Hi.
I don't have any advice as I'm quite new at dealing with a Mum with dementia. But I just wanted to say you sound like a very caring daughter and your are caring for your Mum in such a gentle and loving way. Maybe you are a reflection of your Mum.
Take care and be kind to yourself too. X

Thank you for such kind words

 

[Coniston]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

As the dementia progresses, your mum will lose the ability to relate to her husband’s death and the sympathy card in her hand. It’s so hard to explain but an example which happens every time we visit mum in her care home, she welcomes us warmly, hugs and kisses but then asks why her husband hasn’t visited her, when he’s sat right next to her often holding her hand! Today I was her mum! She seems to recognise us as someone she knows but she’s no longer able to understand our relationship.
She doesn’t recognise this as the man she married almost 67 years ago, it is so hard and there is no right or wrong response to these situations, you just have to do your best to deflect when necessary. My mum is almost 89, and asks me why her parents haven’t been to visit! She needs to hear reassurance they still care for her, so I will say they are very old and can’t manage the bus ride to see her but they send their love, 9/10 she’s satisfied with this. Other times she will say, ‘my mum and dad are not here anymore are they’ to which I say, sadly not but they would be incredibly old if they were, again it’s responding to the way she asks the question. This often makes her smile and it deflects to something else going on.

Many people on the Forum will say there comes a point where you stop asking what your loved one wants and arrange what they need. Why don’t you arrange for your mum to attend a day centre for people with dementia. This was essential when my mum was still living at home with dad as her main carer. If you asked her if she wanted to go she would always say no, but she always enjoyed the company and activities when she got there,

Maybe arranging a companion for your mum would help overcome the issue when you have to work or go to meetings. In addition, you need to make sure you find some time to relax too.

She must be very confused and although she forgets your dad died, she may well feel that emptiness we all experience with loss, but her dementia stops her from rationalising these feelings! If only we could take a peek inside their thoughts hey!

Chaplin, thank you so much for your response to my message. It was very insightful and the suggestion to simply organise outings rather than ask her was like a light bulb moment! She constantly declines any invitation, be it a delicious sandwich , which I make her anyway and she enjoys eating or a social outing so I should adopt the same policy and take her out without asking as I know she’d enjoy that too!
It’s very early days here and thanks again for taking the time to reply with your wise words.

 

[sdmhred]

Hello @Coniston

I too had mum move in with me 18 months ago following my Dads death and a hospital stay for her.

It’s exhausting but I am very glad I have had this time with her when she’s still got quality of life 🥰🥰

my advice is to just try different things and see what works and then use that. Mum took maybe 3-4 months to settle and kept wanting to ‘go home’ in the evenings but as time and dementia progressed she is very content.

At first she was grumpy on my working days (similar to u perhaps I work from home but go out for meetings) but i learned food worked so always left her with a treat to focus on. I also have cameras which can reassure me she is settled and watching TV. At first dhe would wander around the place but was looking for treats 🤣🤣

I may need companionship in the future if she gets anxious.

Sleep was a bit of an issue as she was up 2-3 times per night but incontinence has helped that as she now goes longer at night and uses the pads. I have a fall detector so I can now deeply sleep knowing that it will wake me if she gets up.

She remembers my Dad is dead but often asks about her parents, she can think I am her daughter, sister, friend, carer, mum - I used to correct her but go with the flow now and try to see the fun side. I have been a student living at uni and last week I was 90!!!

Keep posting here - I find it a community with makes me feel so less isolated