Mom is being abused by Dad

[Margarita]

he was very confused and was peeing over the top of his pad on to my bedrooom floor wich he has been doing for a while i had to take up the carpet anyway i shouted at john in a big way it was 4am i was tired i felt i could have hit him I DIDNOT HIT HIM.

I remember before my mother was diagnosed and living in Gibraltar she would do that and I had to take the carpet up , I had to walk out of the house after cleaning it up .

we have a cousin of my son who stayed with us for the night when mum was at respite she come over from one of the Caribbean islands st Vince’s , she 23 , she was telling me how she looks after her untie who has diabetic and is bed ridden and has to have nappies , she told my daughter that one day she was washing her down on the bed , went to get a pads came back and she had phoo all over the bed ( now don’t forget in this country she does not have washing machine they live in a shack ) she wanted to know why , she did not tell her she wanted to go to the toilet , she keep asking her that .

she said that she went out side the house and screamed her head out , no wonder my son family got the money together to sent her to England to give the girl a brake.

Made me wonder how many elderly people must have dementia out there, with out understanding what is happening to the person they care for , and that I can get respite because if I did not I could not keep looking after my mother

 

[kayleigh999]

I wanted to say thank you to all that took the time to reply. I have spoken to my younger Brother and he Did take Dad aside and had a word, Iwill admit i played it down a bit though. Basically Dad said what my Bro wanted to hear then did nothing he was asked, ie stop leaving her alone and treating her badly.

Anyway since then things have got horrendous but the other way! Mom attacking Dad with broom,phone and what ever she can lay her hands on. She locks him out the house and is 100% convinced he is not my Dad. I get phone calls all hours to call the police to have the strange man taken away. In contrast to my original post i can see now how awful things are for Dad. I have suggested she comes to me for a few hours in the afternoon but she wont as "he" will get in the house.

My Dad is at breaking point and i am so upset at it all.. This has progressed so rapidly its untrue. Hardly any lucid moments now at all and the hatred she feels for Dad is untrue. I think she has taken him to crisis point but of course it still holds no excuse. Today i actually saw her hit him around the head as he tried to get back in the house. She actually is still nice to me so im so,so confused. I have read its common for sufferers to believe an imposter has taken over their spouse and this seems exactly what has happened.

The menatl health Doctor comes in sson and i am pinning all my hopes on some medication i guess.

Does anyone have any experience of at what point it just got beyond the sufferer staying in their own home? i honestly dont think Dad can take much more. What about day care? would it be a specific one for sufferers as i dont think theycould cope with her in a ordinary day centre.

I am glad i have found this board,i dont feel so alone and best wishes to anyone out there who is going through these sad times.

kxx

 

[noelphobic]

Hi Kayleigh

I'm sorry to hear that things are so bad. Does you mum have a social worker and/or a CPN (community psychiatric nurse)? It definitely sounds as though you need professional advice in order to help you consider the best way forward, before someone gets hurt. I'm sure others will also be along with some good advice soon.

Take care

 

[Kathleen]

If your Dad is at breaking point, does he feel it is time for your Mum to go into temporary or full time care?

I would guess it will up to him to make that decision, hard as that may be, all you can do is support him in whatever he does decide.

Leaving things as they are seems unfair on both of them. Neither of them seems to be happy as things are at the moment.

Perhaps the GP or consultant could arrange respite or a hospital assessment urgently to give all of you breathing space to consider the best way forward.

Kathleen

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Kayleigh

It sounds as if all the years your Mum has taken abuse from you dad have come full circle, and now she is unable to control herself, and is giving vent to her true feelings.

I don`t think you can sort this without professional help, from the CPN, Social Services, or any medics who are seeing your mum. You have divided loyalties and its unfair for you to have to make a decision.

Take care

 

[Margarita]

I find CPN very helpful after 2 year with a social worker, who has told they is only AZ day center I find out today from my brother CPN that they is another day center that take people with AZ called the Mental heath elderly team, he could not believe that my social worker told me that they is not a CPN for people with AZ in my area, he even phone up for me to ask them do they take people with AZ, I have to be referred by my doctor or my social worker.

He told me its for me to push ask for the services I want , its who shout loader gets the support, because at the end of the day he social worker CPN go home at 5 pm , Job done but its us the career who left with it

Roll on Monday, am going to find out who my local
Councilor
is and ask them to complain ask a question why not on my behalf to Social service on another issue I have , and they Social services have to put in writing then Reply to Him as they social services are run by my local councilor

Do you have a CPN for your mother or a social worker?

 

[alfjess]

Hi Magarita

I am not sure of the question, but yes, my Mum and Dad both have a CPN and social worker. Same two for both.

The social worker is a bit inexperienced. CPN is brilliant, she is a great help and support, for me.

I have just had a meeting to-day with, CPN + student (with my permission) social worker and big boss, social worker

The meeting was very positive, perhaps too positive, as in things are happening too quickly.

Next week Mum and Dad are going for 2 weeks respite and the plan is that if they settle, they stay there.

I didn't imagine it would happen this fast

I now just have to get my head around them being in permanent care.

I am very sorry, just meant to reply to your thread, didn't mean to hi-jack it, got carried away

Alfjess

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Alfjess

If your Mum and Dad do settle in respite, be thankful.

Although it might be too quick for you to come to terms with, you do know it will have to come eventually, and however hard it will be for you, it`s far better than them being upset.

 

[alfjess]

Hi Everyone

It looks like I have become totally confused

My last post doesn't seem relevant.

Probably I am preoccupied with things that happened to-day

Sorry

Alfjess

 

[Grannie G]

It`s fine Alfjess, don`t worry. If you look elsewhere on this Forum, you`ll find you are in good company.

 

[Margarita]

Alfjess

May be the best way

as in things are happening too quickly.

Bit of a shock all to take in , but you know deep down it’s the best way forward xx

you sure are

you are in good company.

 

[alfjess]

Hi GrannyG

What you say is very true, it is inevitable that pemanent care is unavoidable and I DO hope they settle.

It was unexpected that it could happen so fast.

I thought that we would have to go to court for guardianship, but apparently not, as long as they settle. This is good news. Less trauma for me.

My brother, who was invited to the meeting, by social services, didn't attend, which made things easier

Thanks again
Alfjess

 

[alfjess]

Hi Margarita

Thanks to you and GrannyG for your support.

I am in tears at the minute thinking about putting Mum and Dad in permanent care.

I know I am being silly.
I am going to bed now and hopefully will awake more sensible

love
Alfjess

 

[Grannie G]

I know how quickly these things can happen Alfjess, as it happened with my mother.

One minute she was attending day care, and driving us all up the wall. The next, she didn`t know her own home and was frightened to stay there by herself.
That same night, she was admitted to the residential home.

At least with your parents, there will be an option, so if they don`t settle, they won`t have to stay. But for your sake, I really hope the do settle.

 

[Grannie G]

The tears are so natural. It`s impossible not to be upset when you see how vulnerable your parents have become.

Let`s just hope for the best for them.

I hope you`re not awake all night, worrying. Take care.

 

[May]

Hi Alfjess

Do hope things turn out OK with your Mum and Dad. Know how you feel, tears etc, have shed buckets recently myself as my Mum went into permanent nursing care 4 weeks ago. She is happy and settled, doesn't stop me feeling sad, although both Dad and I know it was for the best. It's Dad I'm worrying about now he's lost.....

Sending you ((((hugs))))

 

[Skye]

Alfjess

Sorry, just caught up again. You see, you're not the only one who's confused.

Things have certainly moved fast for you, no wonder you're still trying to come to terms with it all.

But you had almost made up your mind, hadn't you, and perhaps it's easier that the decision has been made in this way.

I do hope your mum and dad settle -- they enjoyed their last respite, didn't they? It will be a great weight off your shoulders, and you will be able to enjoy your visits.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight,

Love,

 

[Margarita]

I know I am being silly.
I am going to bed now and hopefully will awake more sensible

and if you don't , don't worry because sensible does not come into it .
If you feel silly its because you love them , so I say no your not silly
(((hugs)))

 

[Nell]

My brother, who was invited to the meeting, by social services, didn't attend, which made things easier

Alfjess

As my Granny would say "be thankful for small mercies" (from one who knows about brothers like your's and mine!). I do hope you can sleep well and that you are feeling better in the morning. This is a huge wrench and not easy to take on board. Thinking of you. Nell