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Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by kayleigh999, Apr 7, 2007.
Hope someome can help my situation
Hope someome can help my situation
Welcome to TP and I am so sorry that you are in this awful situation. There is a charity that deals specifically with abuse in the elderly and I would hope they may be able to advise you.
What a difficult position for you to be in. But what a far worse position for your mother. I don't want to speak out of turn here, because other people's family dynamics can be different, but as you're aware, this is totally unacceptable behaviour on the part of your father and you need to take action. I would strongly suggest that you call elder abuse http://www.elderabuse.org.uk/ (help line #0808 808 8141)
I'm not sure why you have not "dared" to tell your brothers, although you may just feel that will cause more trouble.
What about taking your mother to her GP, or other health professional, without your father? They have a duty to report abuse, and that would take the responsibility away from you. As to whether they would believe her or not: well your father has admitted it to you, and why shouldn't you be believed? Even if it wasn't true (and some dementia sufferers do suffer from delusions) no one should live in fear, real or not.
As to the scans: they do not always show tias, although major strokes will show up.
Edited to add: as to home helps: I'm afraid abusers do not want someone in the home, since it possibly provides an impartial witness. And I know that the stress of caring for someone can push some people over the edge. However, perhaps you can approach this by pointing out that more help to care for your mother would reduce your father's percieved stress.
Thank you both. I have not told them because instead of figuring out what to do like i am (perhaps wrongly) they will go in,all guns blazing against Dad,quite rightly but then i worry about Mom. When they have had their say, shouted alot but not QUITE done anything else about it she will be left with him and i feel helpless. He recently started taking the phone cord out of the wall so she cant ring me anymore. She rings me sometimes 20 times a day and i always listen and always try to be patient with her. The comment about the home help being a witness really rang true,i can see thats exactly whats happening. The worst part is when i take them both out shopping or to hospital appointments he plays the perfect Husband,joking and laughing. It all soon stops behind closed doors. I do hope i dont sound like i am just having a go at my Dad because i am very worried and very,very angry.
I will continue to read any more replys and make a decision on what to do. I want to help her and protect her and my days and nights are filled with worry and sadness about what has happened to her since the stroke and what he has become. I have remembered the district nurse said to me in private "you can see your Dad has no patience whatsoever with your Mom" maybe that may be a starting point.
I'm sure it wouldn't do any harm to ring Elder Abuse. You would be able to ring them anonymously, if you so chose, and they must deal with this sort of thing all the time, sadly.
I know that this must be so traumatic for you, but if you don't do something there is the chance that your mum would be badly hurt.
Yes I can see what you mean about your brothers: if your father is inclined to react physically to critisism or stress, causing runctions and then leaving the abusee with the abuser is not in any way ideal. If the district nurse has noticed your father's attitude, then that would be a good "in" to the system. Could you call her perhaps? It won't, I'm sure, be the first time she's heard of something like this. You're going to have to be quite clear when you call though: no pussy-footing about the issue, you have to make it clear that there is physical abuse, not simply a lack of empathy.
also Why not try your local social services , my be they could pay a visit if you arrange to be they when they arrive , turning it around so your saying to your father that you understand the stress his under looking after your mother .
its not far on both of them , for your father mental heath or your mothers , it would do them both good if your mother was put in to emergency respite , so your father can clear his mind .
your father has open up to you admitting his has hit your mother , so that could be a cry for help from your father , while your mother is in emergency respite , you can talk to your brothers and come to a plan in how you can help your father in taking the stresses away from him in how to look after your mother when she gets home .
social services can put a care plan in place .Its how you word it all to your father with out the whole situation getting out of control , and then your mother changing her mind and siding with your father when getting confused , intimidated from outside help, that’s where SW can give you advice in how to handle it all , I know that social services will put your mother in emergency respite if they feel they is a risk of abuse to a person . it’s a hard situation your in and I sure at the end of the day it is the stresses even if wrong that his hitting your mother , as they both must love each other , if only your father could see reasoning about emergency respite for your mother and put all the care plains in place , thinks could be so good in the future of your mother care at home with him
I think you should alert police too (at least I would if I suspected anyone)
I think that's a tough one really. It depends how bad the abuse is and what the police are likely to do.
If Kayleigh called the police and then her mum and dad both denied it the police would be unable to do anything. Kayleigh's relationship with her parents could then be irretrievably damaged.
Obviously, if Kayleigh believes her mum is in imminent danger of serious harm then she would have no choice. But if there is another way of dealing with it and her mum isn't in serious danger then it might be best to try another way first.
It goes without saying that something needs to be done and soon, for everyones sakes!
What a dreadful situation for you to cope with, Kayleigh.
Thinking through what you have said, the key sentence to me is that your father has admitted this abuse to you. That means you can be definite about the fact it is happening. My own view, therefore, is that you need to take some action to bring this to the attention of say, the district nurse, your mum's GP or social services as, however stressed your father is, it cannot be right for this to continue. Speaking confidentially first to 'elder abuse' would be helpful, I'm sure, as obviously they will be very experienced and can perhaps advise on the best way for you to handle this really difficult dilemma. It is a very heavy burden for you to carry on your own. To me, doing nothing is not an option for you. Once you have shared your knowledge the responsibility for action is shared too. There cannot be an ideal outcome but I would hope that there can be better one, for both your parents, than the current situation they are in. You have taken a first step in posting on TP. That took courage and you will need that courage in the days ahead as you do what is necessary to protect your mum from harm.
I have sent you a personal message, Kayleigh, to support you. Click on the blue 'Private Mesaage' at the top right corner of your screen.
Kaleigh they both need help. Act quickly contact Social Services Vulnerable Adults
as quickly as you can, I am afraid you have to be strong and stop pussyfooting about and get to it otherwise something nasty is really going to happen.
What a terrible situation for you and I think maybe you are torn between loyalties to both your mother and your father.
My Dad has AD, he is 6'1" and 15 stone. My mum is 5'4" and 9 stone. He gets angry with her and she feels threatened and we excuse him because of his AD. She gets angry with him but because of the physical difference he is under no threat. But what if the roles were reversed?
We all at times get frustrated at dealing with someone with AD and whilst we can all understand shouting (although after the event we know it was not the way to go), physical abuse is NOT acceptable. You know this and I'm sure that in his heart of hearts your Dad knows it too. Maybe the fact that your Dad admitted that he had been physically violent is him admitting that he needs help with the situation.
Personally I don't think calling the Police is the right option at this time, unless your Mum is in imminent danger, but involving the District Nurse, Social Services and most definitely your brothers (sometimes men react better to men and how does being wealthy and busy excuse them from being sons ), is a must. You should not have to deal with this on your own.
Your mum sounds frightened and really seems to need some protection and your dad perhaps needs more support but also to know that what's he is doing is not acceptable in any way.
Hope you can get some constructive help for both your mum and dad.
You really do have a problem of divided loyaltiesand I can only endorse all the good advice you`ve already been given.
Both your parents need help. Your mother for protection and your father to enable him to realize his behaviour is unacceptable.
Keep in contact , and let us know how you get on xx (((hugs)))
Thank you all so much for talkng the time to reply. I am going to see her today and sort out if anything further has occured. I do sympathise with Dad,of course,but he has not turned from a loving caring Husband (and father) into a poor stressed out soul,as i said originally this was never part of his plan. I do still feel a duty and a loyalty towards him but sadly it is out of duty and pity and not love.
It is a difficult situation with my Brothers as its always been "dont bother the lads,they have enough on their plates with busy lives and workloads" Even when Mom was not ill,so perhaps not really their fault their involvement is minimal.
Anyway i will take the advice. I will ring that elder abuse. It may sound wrong but i am torn between looking out for my dear Mom and dropping Dad in it too! what a mess and what a sad situation. We have the Doctor from mental health coming in May and he is talking of medicating her (first time he will have seen her) so i guess i am hoping that calms Mom who in turn can expect better from my Dad. I do hope she is not turned into a zombie and he just carries on doing what he has all his life,doing his own thing.
Thank you again. I will post back and my very best wishes to everyone who sadly is taking this confusing and unpredictable journey with me. Bless you all.
It does sound as if your mother has always accepted the role of subservient woman, even with your brothers.
When she was able, I suppose it was her business how much she was prepared to tolerate, but now she is unable to speak up for herself, it is time for you to step in.
Will you be able to be present when the doctor visits in May? I hope so.
I also hope you get the help you, and your mother need from Elder Abuse. It is the first time I have heard of it.
It just shows how much useful and helpful information can be gained from others, on a site like this.
It doesn't sound wrong at all Kayleigh. I am sure anyone in your shoes would feel exactly the same. Your mum and dad are lucky to have you, even though they might not acknowledge the fact!
I hope you manage to sort something out with as little added stress as possible.
my hubby has been ill for many years now and has started to take my temper to the very end last sataday he was very confused and was peeing over the top of his pad on to my bedrooom floor wich he has been doing for a while i had to take up the carpet anyway i shouted at john in a big way it was 4am i was tired i felt i could have hit him I DIDNOT HIT HIM but on sunday i took him to his care home were he goes for rest bite and told the staff what happened i have left him thire and i have made a decion that he will stay thire and never come home i dont want to end up hating john and i feel i could if he stayed at home mabe if your mum goes into restbite by your hand your dad may understand he cant cope either it was very hard for me to admit my defeat but its best for all concerned and to tell all on this webb site was harder
It was so brave of you to tell TP what you had to do. It was not defeat, it was you knowing when the time was right.
Inappropriate behaviour is one of the most difficult aspects of dementia and it isn`t until you have lived with it 24/7 that you realize how it wears you down.
You will forgive yourself for taking your husband to the home, you did it for his safety as well as your own, but it would have been much harder for you to forgive yourself if you`d hit him.