I agree. It's an impossible situation and there's no good or easy answer to dementia whichever way you turn - I have learned that over the past 8 months. I wouldn't say I had suicidal thoughts last week, but I certainly was having irrational thoughts and feeling desperately anxious, with that pain building in my chest again. I kept muttering to myself that "I just want this all to stop and go away". That's why I called SS and screamed for help.
There are so many layers to coping with dementia in the home, so many things that I had no idea about until mum feel ill in October. Nothing can prepare you for this, and nothing can really give you a decent solution to it.
I have just had a call from one of mum's remaining peers and even he said "you must leave her in the home and look after yourself". I am planning to do just that, or at least leave her in the current place for now until I get some of myself back, but I know that my woes will not end here. I know that this will only really all stop and go away when mum passes away. Great - what a superb solution to the problem - the answer is that it will only all be fine when the person dies!!
I am feeling very, very sad at the moment. So sad. Why us?
But, at least calling SS last Thursday and getting mum into emergency respite has achieved something - I feel better. And that's an improvement on where I was last week.
I think the only answer is to try to find a means to get yourself out of the very dark place - and I've been there several times. It's not easy, but I think it's the only thing we can do - until the only real answer to the issues happens, and then we will have peace and so will our caree.
It's very harsh, but also very clear to me that we have now reached the point that it would probably be easier all round if mum passed away than us both having to go through this awful, awful experience. But neither of us has any control over that, and she is fortunate enough to be completely oblivious to the experience, so I have to just try and deal with it as best I can.
If anyone is really, really struggling, caring for someone at home with carers coming in, as I was last week, and still really struggling - please do call SS and scream for help - if you feel that bad, you cannot go on - you will make yourselves ill.
Marmotta - I hope you find some way to get yourself to a better place with your situation - and if you feel really, really desperate - please speak to someone - The Samaritans maybe? I may be calling them myself this week as things are going to get tough again with decisions to be made.