We are supposed to keep smiling at all times, provide constant distraction, provide stimulating activities, be resilient watching someone we love suffer, listen to obsessional talk , listen to constant negativity and keep our mood bright, negotiate with doctors who don't understand etc etc. Sometimes I wish I could escape somehow...
miracle workers
- Thread starter Marmotta838
- Start date
Suicide
Does anyone ever feel driven to suicide because they feel they are too responsible for the welfare of someone else and they just can't do it? You can't go on seeing them suffer, you can't stay resilient and cheerful as you're supposed to, you feel abandoned by extended family who have withdrawn, you're told to back off by the staff at the care home but you realise they don't have enough time to give them the proper care they need, you are sleep deprived and can't bear to think of the sufferer being awake for so long during the night, you keep getting told you are doing things the wrong way, you're fighting the doctors and the doctors are not understanding the gravity of the person's suffering, the friends of the sufferer have disappeared, you're told to 'get a life' of your own and yet people have no idea how difficult that is if you are truly doing what's needed, you stay away if you're feeling down because it's no good for the sufferer to see you down and yet when you stay away they get upset so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you do everything you can to make the person happy but they rarely are, you stay with them for ages but they still get devastated when you go because they really want you there 24/7, you feel the constant pressure of the person's need hovering over you like a monster waiting to devour you, they have no idea you have to attend to daily living activities let alone anything that brings you enjoyment, you get given advice the whole time by people who don't understand the situation - it's an impossible situation
Does anyone ever feel driven to suicide because they feel they are too responsible for the welfare of someone else and they just can't do it? You can't go on seeing them suffer, you can't stay resilient and cheerful as you're supposed to, you feel abandoned by extended family who have withdrawn, you're told to back off by the staff at the care home but you realise they don't have enough time to give them the proper care they need, you are sleep deprived and can't bear to think of the sufferer being awake for so long during the night, you keep getting told you are doing things the wrong way, you're fighting the doctors and the doctors are not understanding the gravity of the person's suffering, the friends of the sufferer have disappeared, you're told to 'get a life' of your own and yet people have no idea how difficult that is if you are truly doing what's needed, you stay away if you're feeling down because it's no good for the sufferer to see you down and yet when you stay away they get upset so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you do everything you can to make the person happy but they rarely are, you stay with them for ages but they still get devastated when you go because they really want you there 24/7, you feel the constant pressure of the person's need hovering over you like a monster waiting to devour you, they have no idea you have to attend to daily living activities let alone anything that brings you enjoyment, you get given advice the whole time by people who don't understand the situation - it's an impossible situation
Am not trying to give you advice but have to respond to you. You are doing your best. It is an impossible situation. Just a suggestion, are you able to stop visiting for a few days to give yourself a much needed break?
Aisling ( Ireland)
Hello,
I am sorry you are feeling this and obviously very low and depressed. Many of us have cared for special people and it is tough. I found it helpful to join a group of other carers who were dealing with the similar problems. Have you any groups in your area? Its always good to share and that is where TP is special.
I am not sure where in Australia you are but there is this emotional support group that may be worth investigating:
http://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=AU
Try discussing with your own GP about how YOU feel. If you are not getting support then maybe you need to seek out someone who is more understanding.
Keep posting on TP as there is nearly always someone here to listen!
I am sorry you are feeling this and obviously very low and depressed. Many of us have cared for special people and it is tough. I found it helpful to join a group of other carers who were dealing with the similar problems. Have you any groups in your area? Its always good to share and that is where TP is special.
I am not sure where in Australia you are but there is this emotional support group that may be worth investigating:
http://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=AU
Try discussing with your own GP about how YOU feel. If you are not getting support then maybe you need to seek out someone who is more understanding.
Keep posting on TP as there is nearly always someone here to listen!
I agree. It's an impossible situation and there's no good or easy answer to dementia whichever way you turn - I have learned that over the past 8 months. I wouldn't say I had suicidal thoughts last week, but I certainly was having irrational thoughts and feeling desperately anxious, with that pain building in my chest again. I kept muttering to myself that "I just want this all to stop and go away". That's why I called SS and screamed for help.
There are so many layers to coping with dementia in the home, so many things that I had no idea about until mum feel ill in October. Nothing can prepare you for this, and nothing can really give you a decent solution to it.
I have just had a call from one of mum's remaining peers and even he said "you must leave her in the home and look after yourself". I am planning to do just that, or at least leave her in the current place for now until I get some of myself back, but I know that my woes will not end here. I know that this will only really all stop and go away when mum passes away. Great - what a superb solution to the problem - the answer is that it will only all be fine when the person dies!!
I am feeling very, very sad at the moment. So sad. Why us?
But, at least calling SS last Thursday and getting mum into emergency respite has achieved something - I feel better. And that's an improvement on where I was last week.
I think the only answer is to try to find a means to get yourself out of the very dark place - and I've been there several times. It's not easy, but I think it's the only thing we can do - until the only real answer to the issues happens, and then we will have peace and so will our caree.
It's very harsh, but also very clear to me that we have now reached the point that it would probably be easier all round if mum passed away than us both having to go through this awful, awful experience. But neither of us has any control over that, and she is fortunate enough to be completely oblivious to the experience, so I have to just try and deal with it as best I can.
If anyone is really, really struggling, caring for someone at home with carers coming in, as I was last week, and still really struggling - please do call SS and scream for help - if you feel that bad, you cannot go on - you will make yourselves ill.
Marmotta - I hope you find some way to get yourself to a better place with your situation - and if you feel really, really desperate - please speak to someone - The Samaritans maybe? I may be calling them myself this week as things are going to get tough again with decisions to be made.
There are so many layers to coping with dementia in the home, so many things that I had no idea about until mum feel ill in October. Nothing can prepare you for this, and nothing can really give you a decent solution to it.
I have just had a call from one of mum's remaining peers and even he said "you must leave her in the home and look after yourself". I am planning to do just that, or at least leave her in the current place for now until I get some of myself back, but I know that my woes will not end here. I know that this will only really all stop and go away when mum passes away. Great - what a superb solution to the problem - the answer is that it will only all be fine when the person dies!!
I am feeling very, very sad at the moment. So sad. Why us?
But, at least calling SS last Thursday and getting mum into emergency respite has achieved something - I feel better. And that's an improvement on where I was last week.
I think the only answer is to try to find a means to get yourself out of the very dark place - and I've been there several times. It's not easy, but I think it's the only thing we can do - until the only real answer to the issues happens, and then we will have peace and so will our caree.
It's very harsh, but also very clear to me that we have now reached the point that it would probably be easier all round if mum passed away than us both having to go through this awful, awful experience. But neither of us has any control over that, and she is fortunate enough to be completely oblivious to the experience, so I have to just try and deal with it as best I can.
If anyone is really, really struggling, caring for someone at home with carers coming in, as I was last week, and still really struggling - please do call SS and scream for help - if you feel that bad, you cannot go on - you will make yourselves ill.
Marmotta - I hope you find some way to get yourself to a better place with your situation - and if you feel really, really desperate - please speak to someone - The Samaritans maybe? I may be calling them myself this week as things are going to get tough again with decisions to be made.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so low.
Please keep posting to get support here.
Also please try ringing the helpline tomorrow https://fightdementia.org.au/services/helpline
http://www.thesamaritans.org.au/
Please keep posting to get support here.
Also please try ringing the helpline tomorrow https://fightdementia.org.au/services/helpline
http://www.thesamaritans.org.au/
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Hello Marmotta
Your mother is in a nursing home for a reason, because her needs are too complex for one person to be able to hold on to the responsibility.
It`s a tragedy and heartbreaking and probably the most upsetting experience of your life but you are not helping her or yourself by expecting to be able to make life better for her.
This illness is soul destroying for both the person with dementia and their carers . Perhaps if you leave her care to the professionals and take a bit of a break, you will be in a stronger frame of mind to comfort your mother.
Your mother is in a nursing home for a reason, because her needs are too complex for one person to be able to hold on to the responsibility.
It`s a tragedy and heartbreaking and probably the most upsetting experience of your life but you are not helping her or yourself by expecting to be able to make life better for her.
This illness is soul destroying for both the person with dementia and their carers . Perhaps if you leave her care to the professionals and take a bit of a break, you will be in a stronger frame of mind to comfort your mother.
Hi marmotta,
I too have had dark feelings like you. This disease is so cruel to both the sufferer and their loved ones. The thing is, even in my darkest hour, I knew that suicide wasn't the answer - it would deprive the dementia sufferer of your presence permanently and that is too cruel a thing to put them through.
I agree with all the others - get some help by talking to the Samaritans or similar organisations. Maybe reading the posts here will help you - you are not alone in your feelings but here on TP we get support from others going through the same thing.
It is coming up to 2 years now since my husband was sectioned and from there went into care - I was very down yesterday, but I give myself a rest from visiting on Sunday, as I know he is visited by some very good friends, (his only other visitors apart from me) and I am refreshed for the next week. I am perhaps lucky that my husband can only live in the moment - he has no recollection of me visiting after I've gone and when I next go he has no awareness that I haven't been there all the while.
I hope you can gain strength from our posts xx
I too have had dark feelings like you. This disease is so cruel to both the sufferer and their loved ones. The thing is, even in my darkest hour, I knew that suicide wasn't the answer - it would deprive the dementia sufferer of your presence permanently and that is too cruel a thing to put them through.
I agree with all the others - get some help by talking to the Samaritans or similar organisations. Maybe reading the posts here will help you - you are not alone in your feelings but here on TP we get support from others going through the same thing.
It is coming up to 2 years now since my husband was sectioned and from there went into care - I was very down yesterday, but I give myself a rest from visiting on Sunday, as I know he is visited by some very good friends, (his only other visitors apart from me) and I am refreshed for the next week. I am perhaps lucky that my husband can only live in the moment - he has no recollection of me visiting after I've gone and when I next go he has no awareness that I haven't been there all the while.
I hope you can gain strength from our posts xx
So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. These feelings are really difficult to deal with and many of us can understand exactly where you are coming from.
Alzheimer's Australia have a helpline that you can call and talk to a counselor and they have been very helpful. The number from within Australia is 1800 100 500.
Alzheimer's Australia have a helpline that you can call and talk to a counselor and they have been very helpful. The number from within Australia is 1800 100 500.
Marmotta, I've just seen this thread. You've gotten some good replies with suggestions for places to reach out for help, which I strongly urge you to do, please.
If it helps you to hear this, yes, I do know what it feels like to wish to be dead rather than have to deal with dementia.
Please be kind to yourself and reach out for some help.
If it helps you to hear this, yes, I do know what it feels like to wish to be dead rather than have to deal with dementia.
Please be kind to yourself and reach out for some help.
Marmotta,
Me again, staying in contact with you and sending you lots of support. As others have advised the Samaritans are great. I contacted them several times. I know about dark feelings and desperation. Stay reaching out for help please. Just a gentle suggestion, could you speak to a doctor about you? I hope my msge gives you some kind of comfort.
Aisling xx
Thank you
Thank you to everyone who replied to my sad message - I will make an appt with Alzheimers Australia tomorrow and see a counsellor - they are very good. For some reason I seem to think I should be able to cope with it all so easily and it comes as a shock when I can't. It surprises me when I feel so desolate that I feel the need to obliterate myself - it comes on so suddenly. Anyway, thought I should let you know I'm still around and that I'll make an effort not to let it happen again. Thanks again
Thank you to everyone who replied to my sad message - I will make an appt with Alzheimers Australia tomorrow and see a counsellor - they are very good. For some reason I seem to think I should be able to cope with it all so easily and it comes as a shock when I can't. It surprises me when I feel so desolate that I feel the need to obliterate myself - it comes on so suddenly. Anyway, thought I should let you know I'm still around and that I'll make an effort not to let it happen again. Thanks again
Stress
It came as a real shock to me to be signed off last year with Work related stress and similar issues to you. I went to my GP and was referred to UK based Talking Therapies ( there will be an Oz equivalent,) plus websites such as MoodGym and other F2F support groups which really helped.
Then it all started with my mum. UTI, crisis team, blue lighted to hospital, weeks in hospital, discharged home, 3 carers and 1 water assault later, sectioned, now being assessed for a care home.
Luckily I had the tools to cope, just. Although I have then a sabbatical, my excuse being to get my mum into a nursing home. I should be starting work soon.
Moral - you have done the right thing. There is plenty of support out there for you. The world is a better place with you in it.
It came as a real shock to me to be signed off last year with Work related stress and similar issues to you. I went to my GP and was referred to UK based Talking Therapies ( there will be an Oz equivalent,) plus websites such as MoodGym and other F2F support groups which really helped.
Then it all started with my mum. UTI, crisis team, blue lighted to hospital, weeks in hospital, discharged home, 3 carers and 1 water assault later, sectioned, now being assessed for a care home.
Luckily I had the tools to cope, just. Although I have then a sabbatical, my excuse being to get my mum into a nursing home. I should be starting work soon.
Moral - you have done the right thing. There is plenty of support out there for you. The world is a better place with you in it.
I also wanted to say that because you live in Australia, you have a few more options regarding your choice of GP and I believe one of the best things you can do is find yourself a good one, someone who will listen to you and who won't rush you out the door after five minutes.
I was supposed to see my GP weeks ago to get some test results but hadn't bothered. He sent me a text message and a letter reminding me that I needed to see him so I finally got there yesterday. He started off by talking about my results but ended up by very gently getting me to talk about what I was really feeling about the years I have been looking after OH. I must have been with him for about half an hour and he never made me feel that he was rushed or didn't have time (even though he is the busiest Doctor in the practice). I feel better for having such support and he has given me a couple of things to think about for myself.
I hope that you find the help to make you feel better soon.
I was supposed to see my GP weeks ago to get some test results but hadn't bothered. He sent me a text message and a letter reminding me that I needed to see him so I finally got there yesterday. He started off by talking about my results but ended up by very gently getting me to talk about what I was really feeling about the years I have been looking after OH. I must have been with him for about half an hour and he never made me feel that he was rushed or didn't have time (even though he is the busiest Doctor in the practice). I feel better for having such support and he has given me a couple of things to think about for myself.
I hope that you find the help to make you feel better soon.
