Memory lost aggression and guilt trips

[tiddy]

My mother who is 91 and is suffering from presumably multifactoral dementia (according to doctors, still awaiting neuro appointment rescheduling) often gets very angry when I suggest that perhaps she needs to shift focuses when she is determined to "force" herself to recall and register things. .


Sometimes she stays focused on the task off and on all day long, sometimes many hours.. and understandably gets frustrated when she can't, and when despite my efforts of trying to help her understand, it just doesn't happen...which leads to more confusion amongst her.


Another recent thing is that recently my mom has felt an obligation to keep and fulfill any promise that she has made to anyone.

So, today she was trying to figure out something for a neighbor/friend who is also suffering from dementia for 3 hours straight because she promised her.


My mother didn't understand the multiple explanations that I provided for her...so I tried assuring her that maybe a break would be needed, and perhaps to try again later.

She didn't like that and told me that she's not going to focus on anything else and that she can force herself to be able to recall and to relay this information to her friend and myself correctly.

She then also got angry at me and accused me of not being helpful and wanting to help. Also accused me of not caring for either one of them.

She has always been verbally abusive and manipulative towards me, so it's tough to distinguish the dementia or her natural character.


How do I handle this?? Do I just let her alone?? If I do that, she'll wind up in the hospital again...confusing herself to the point of physical impairment and functionality....

Is there really anything that can be done??



I live with her, so she's constantly relying on me and demanding me for answers just about all day off and on..I seldom have time to do anything else within the home and i am having problems focusing on other things. She asks for help a lot understandably, but often repeats things and loses her cool.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @tiddy

I wonder if this would be of any help in your situation. I have found it useful at times and I know others have too.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[RNcaregiver]

Hi @tiddy. My mother is very much like this. She gets hyper focused/obssessive on things for hours. This is one time I take advantage of her lack of short term memory. If I can introduce another topic, ask her questions about something else, or give her an activity to do (folding clothes), I find it helps and she forgets whatever she was doing. She if very much, out of sight, out of mind. I’m also the primary carer so I get the questions and criticisms when she is frustrated. If Im not able to redirect her sometimes I just find it best to remove myself. This is easier to do now that she is in a care home. I know it can be a little harder living together. That was the main reason I started looking at care homes, because it was too much for me to handle by myself.

Once I accepted her brain no longer works how it used to so theres really no point in trying to reason w/ her or explain away whatever she is asking, that helped me tremendously. Distraction and redirection is about all you can try, if you’re living together. Take some time for yourself !