Loved ones in a Care Home.

[pamann]

Hello J so pleased you had a lovely holiday, it does you good to have a break from visiting, l am going to have 2 days aweek off from visiting, as from next week, l know he will not miss me, as he is getting less and less pleased to see me. I am going to have a few days away soon, l feel l need it. Once you are away its fine, its just thinking about it before you go.

Hello Geof, pleased you are not having anti-depressants, l never had them. You are very near to Anne, thats so good, go when you feel you want to. I could walk to Ed's CH, as l stay till 9pm l would not want to walk home on my own that time of the evening. Take care Geof,

 

[pamann]

Just going home now from CH, l have managed to shower and wash Ed's hair, l am so happy, feels like l have won the lottery!!! ☺

 

[Geof]

Just going home now from CH, l have managed to shower and wash Ed's hair, l am so happy, feels like l have won the lottery!!! ☺

Oh so pleased for you Pamann It's so wonderful to have a good day.

 

[pamann]

Thank you Geof, sweet dreams of happier days ☺

 

[Scarlett123]

Just going home now from CH, l have managed to shower and wash Ed's hair, l am so happy, feels like l have won the lottery!!! ☺

Oh that's wonderful!! So pleased for you xxx

 

[Dianneb]

Mother-in-law

My mother-in-law has been in CH for almost two years now. She is about 30 minutes away (by car) and we really don't visit as much as we should. It was really difficult coming to the realization that we could not care for her anymore. I would barely sleep towards the end as one night I woke up to get a drink and noticed her bedroom door open. Went in to see if she was ok and the bed was empty. I almost croaked on the spot. Yelled at my husband to get up whilst I went dashing out the front door to look for her. We live in the middle of no-where surrounded by dense woodlands. Fortunately she had gone back to her home which is next door to us and was curled up on the sofa fast asleep. There were a few more similar incidents. We were fortunate to find a home that wasn't too far away and she is now really settled there. I just wish my husband would visit with her more often. I feel guilty and he gets frustrated and feels like I'm nagging him all the time. He says he just feels so helpless and doesn't know how to react to her or know what to say. None of her family visit and I just feel guilty all the time. I don't drive so that doesn't help either. I'm just grateful that the staff at the CH are really lovely and that my mother-in-law has made friends (both with residents and their families). Any suggestions for prompting my hubby without nagging

 

[pamann]

Hello Dianeb, welcome to my thread, its good that your mother in law has settled in her CH, it gives you peace of mind to know that she is safe and well looked after, try not to put pressure on your husband to visit, the men find it very difficult to see their Mum's and Dads, my Son's do not vist their father very often, they can no longer have a conversation with him, he doesn't know who they are now. It is very common in my husbands CH that Mum's and Dad's do not get many visits. Do you visit ? if so does she ask about her Son, if not do not worry about it.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hi pamann, had a chat with the doc yesterday. He didn't want to offer pills and I agreed that this is something which I really just have to work through. He did suggest that I seriously consider the frequency of my visits until I'm feeling more in control.

Anne's CH is just a 10 minute walk away and I've been visiting almost every day, feeling that I have no excuse not too and feeling guilty when I don't. I know that you spend many hours with your husband 6 days a week but maybe this is not the right approach for me at this time. To be truthful, Anne seldom realises when I have missed going and seems happy in her new world.

Good morning Geof....what your doctor suggested does seem good advice as an alternative to tablets. Anne is safe and well looked after, and if she isn't distressed when you're not there, she won't mind. Probably that's what she herself would have wanted for you.

When you've been a self sufficient couple it must be really hard being on your own. Everyone needs people I suppose.

Just an idea....is there a memory cafe or carers group or something similar in your area that you could visit? Probably The Alzheimer's Association would be able to suggest one. With your experience of looking after your wife with Dementia you might be able to offer support and encouragement to others in their early days on this journey. I know I'd have appreciated a few pointers when my husband was first diagnosed, and I knew so little.

Is Skye welcome at Anne's Care Home? Dogs are wonderful friends aren't they?

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hello Dianeb, welcome to my thread, its good that your mother in law has settled in her CH, it gives you peace of mind to know that she is safe and well looked after, try not to put pressure on your husband to visit, the men find it very difficult to see their Mum's and Dads, my Son's do not vist their father very often, they can no longer have a conversation with him, he doesn't know who they are now. It is very common in my husbands CH that Mum's and Dad's do not get many visits. Do you visit ? if so does she ask about her Son, if not do not worry about it.

You're so wise, Pamann. It's early days for us, and our two sons are being so kind, but I do worry about how hard it must be for them visiting their dad. There's also a strong suggestion that his family is prone to Dementia, which must be hard for them to think about. There were three generations of Dementia before my husband, and now his sister, and very probably his brother also have it.

My husband greets them with enthusiasm, as he greets everyone, but he doesn't know really who they are. Nor anyone else, except me.

And that's strange, because when he was first in respite, he didn't know me, but now he does. He begs to stay with me wherever I go, and that makes it hard when I need to leave.

 

[nannylondon]

Hi I agree with pamaan my sons were good at visiting their dad at first but as he no longer recognises anyone and has no communication they find it really difficult to see him I did nag at first but now I leave it up to them.

 

[pamann]

Hello Anne, 3 generations on Ed's mothers side had Alzheimers, my eldest son is very worried, he is sure he will get it, Ed never mentioned that he may get it when his mother had it. Ed didn't know who l was when he was at home, when he went into CH he knew me, such a strange illness.

 

[tigerlady]

You're so wise, Pamann. It's early days for us, and our two sons are being so kind, but I do worry about how hard it must be for them visiting their dad. There's also a strong suggestion that his family is prone to Dementia, which must be hard for them to think about. There were three generations of Dementia before my husband, and now his sister, and very probably his brother also have it.

My husband greets them with enthusiasm, as he greets everyone, but he doesn't know really who they are. Nor anyone else, except me.

And that's strange, because when he was first in respite, he didn't know me, but now he does. He begs to stay with me wherever I go, and that makes it hard when I need to leave.

I know exactly how you feel Anne. When my husband was at home he kept telling me I wasn't his wife but now he is in care he seems to know me, although sometimes he asks if we are married. He has 2 sons from his first marriage, but one is estranged, but the other one who lives over 100 miles way does visit about every 2 months. He doesn't know who his son is, but likes having visitors, although he rarely gets visits from others unless they come with me. The carers tell me he is fine when I'm not there, and now, after 2 years, I am finding it easier to leave him after a visit, although he almost always asks to go home. I still feel bad that I am having a normal life and he is stuck in there, but as time goes by it does get easier to deal with, and I am still able to take him out now and then.

 

[pamann]

Hello nanny, l would never tell anyone to visit, it is up to them, my boys phone or text most days wanting to know how Dad is, so they do care. Ed's Grandmother was in a Mental Hospital for 6yrs, nobody visited her, all those hospitals have closed down now, the one near us is a housing estate, all the old ragstone wards are flats, my father worked there as a nurse for 40yrs, he was in charge of the ward, he and 9 other nurses look after 100 residents, they had very little medication in them days, padded cells and straight jackets. How life has changed now.

 

[Geof]

Is Skye welcome at Anne's Care Home? Dogs are wonderful friends aren't they?

Hello Anne,

Yes, Skye is very welcome, in fact I was positively encouraged to take him. I was dubious at first because in the latter days of Anne's time at home she had become paranoid about his safety, not letting him out of her sight, and he in turn became overprotective of her. In desperation for both their sakes I fostered him out with our vet's receptionist, only bringing him back home when it became certain that Anne would not be returning home again.
He had his first visit last week and it went well although Anne is still very protective of him, but she was so happy just to hold his lead again and have a stroke and cuddle.
Maybe in the future we will manage a short walk together but baby steps at first.
I'm taking him again tomorrow and hope it goes as well as last time because, just for half an hour, she was lucid again just like old times.

 

[tigerlady]

Hello Anne,

Yes, Skye is very welcome, in fact I was positively encouraged to take him. I was dubious at first because in the latter days of Anne's time at home she had become paranoid about his safety, not letting him out of her sight, and he in turn became overprotective of her. In desperation for both their sakes I fostered him out with our vet's receptionist, only bringing him back home when it became certain that Anne would not be returning home again.
He had his first visit last week and it went well although Anne is still very protective of him, but she was so happy just to hold his lead again and have a stroke and cuddle.
Maybe in the future we will manage a short walk together but baby steps at first.
I'm taking him again tomorrow and hope it goes as well as last time because, just for half an hour, she was lucid again just like old times.

So pleased that Skye's visit went well My husband is always pleased to see our dog and he also talks quite lucidly to the dog.

 

[Geof]

Can't sleep tonight

As you can see from the time. I feel really uneasy for some reason.

Anne has not been too good this last week, the voices and paranoia have been growing again and its nor helping that the CH have the plumbers in to install a new whirlpool bath and today the carpet cleaners were in and her favourite lounge was closed. She seemed to have spent most of the day in her room or wandering the hallway and jumping at every sudden or new sound. It's very unsettling for her but should soon be over. She's due for a review of meds on Thursday and I think an increase is in order as she still isn't stabilized. Each increase seems to help for about three weeks before the effects seem to wear off.

Tomorrow - oops - later today I'm taking her to the dentist for a check up. Her best friend is coming with me to help but I'm a bit nervous at how she will react because she's become agoraphobic and hasn't set foot outside the CH since arriving there 7 weeks ago. It's a real shame because they have minibus trips out every Wednesday to the Lakes or Dales but she always refuses to go. I've even been invited along as well but it's no good. Just have to accept this as one of her manifestations of AD.

Wanted to ask others if auditory hallucinations are a passing phase of AD or if they are a permanent effect. I know that it's not every person that is affected in this way but would appreciate the experience of others.

Well, had a brew and a biccy now so will try the land of nod again.

 

[pamann]

Morning Geof, when we wake up in the night our loved ones are on our minds, then we can not get back to sleep.
My husband has hallucinations, seeing things that are not there, can not convince him they are not. When work is being carried out in the CH all the residents are very unsettled, the builders have been in Ed's for 6 months, all the residents have been very unsettled, thank goodness they have now finished, Ed was a builder he thought he was doing all the work!!!
Re: Dentist if your wife is reluctant to go l would cancel the appointment, it will only upset her. How lovely that your CH takes the residents out, if your wife doesn't wish to go, tell her you are going, maybe she will go with you.
I am having trouble with Ed, he has lost his balance when walking, its side effects of Memantine, Dr has increased the dose, he is alot happier, but as you say it doesn't last long. I do hope you are feeling better now you have had a rest from full time caring. Take care Geof

 

[Geof]

Morning Geof,
Re: Dentist if your wife is reluctant to go l would cancel the appointment, it will only upset her. How lovely that your CH takes the residents out, if your wife doesn't wish to go, tell her you are going, maybe she will go with you.
I am having trouble with Ed, he has lost his balance when walking, its side effects of Memantine, Dr has increased the dose, he is alot happier, but as you say it doesn't last long. I do hope you are feeling better now you have had a rest from full time caring. Take care Geof

Afternoon pamann, sorry you are having trouble with Ed and the side effects of Memantine. It's been suggested as a possible alternative to Quetiapine which Anne is on but as she hasn't reached the full recommended dose yet I'm dubious about a change of meds.
The visit to the dentist went better than expected. Anne was a bit stroppy before leaving, wrong clothes, hair not right, hated her jacket. Now I come to think of it, typical female , but as soon as we were on our way she bucked up and even made jokes about Sue's driving. Isn't it strange how they switch into and out of our world.
Good as gold in the dentists so a scale and polish and small filling at the front to improve her smile.

Think I'll sleep better tonight.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Good to read, Geof, that Anne's visit to the dentist was a success.

Lost track, but I think it's now five weeks since my Rob went to his Care Home. He was terribly confused at the beginning, then more aware and upset. Lately he's been upset almost every time he's seen me, wanting us to " get out of this madhouse" as soon as possible.

But when I got there on Sunday he didn't see me, and I saw that he seemed perfectly content, chatting amiably with one of the carers, asking her politely if she'd had a holiday yet. He seemed so settled that I tiptoed away and came home, rather than trigger his anxiety and that need to escape that happens when he sees me.

On Monday our son and I took him for a pub supper close by, and he told us he was frightened though he didn't know why, and that he had no idea where he was or what he was supposed to be doing. I told him he needn't worry, because there would always be someone close by to help him. He was clingy when I left, but our son and a carer distracted him.

His friend visited yesterday, and found him unhappy, anxiously waiting by the door and asking for me. They went out together, had some tea and hit some balls at a nearby golf club, and returned him in a happier frame of mind.

The friend will be visiting again today, thank goodness.

The Care Home is willing to extend his stay on a respite basis. It's really helpful that they are putting no pressure on me to commit one way or another.

 

[pamann]

Hello Anne, 5wks is not long enough for your husband to settle in the CH, l know how hard it is for you to leave him, it is only now after 1yr that l am feeling confident to leave my Ed, he seems to accept that l come and go, no more do l have to run out with him chasing me, then having to hide in the laundry as it is the only internal door that has a combination lock, he would try all door looking for me, but l still went to see him everyday. I would advise you not to have him back home it will be much more difficult to look after him. I am now starting to get my life back, life has been so difficult for the last few years, but now l can see a light at the end of the tunnel.