Love her, but don't like her - how does that work then?

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
115
Another difficult day today, culminating in Ambulance, paramedics and a trip to the hospital - following another afternoon of agitation and hostility from OH - and meltdown from me. Decided to not wait in A & E for the proposed four hours, to be told that there is really nothing they can do - So I discharged her and brought her home, because I wanted to take care of her. Will she go to bed peacefully ? - No. Is she still wandering around the house messing it up? - Yes. Do I know what the hell to do anymore ? - No.
Now I love my wife, from the depth of my soul. I think that she is a really lovely person and I know that she is the love of my life - I know she can't help it. I know its the ****** Alzheimers. I know she will probably not remember tomorrow morning what happened today.
However, I don't like her. There you go, I've said it. Tomorrow I will probably feel better and off we will go on the Alzheimers merry-go-round again.
What happened to my life???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
383
I'm sure people with more experience than I have will be along to offer help/advice. I very often say the same about my Mum. Take care x
 

Olliebeak

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
112
Buckinghamshire
Feel your pain Lladro. We love the people they were - our soul mates, lovers, best friends. We really really don’t like the strangers they have become - challenging, selfish, annoying, aggressive, unloving and unloveable. I wonder every day where my life went.

Hang in there - hug x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,337
Kent
It`s because we love, we put up with the challenges. We wouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone else.

My husband offended me, was verbally abusive, even on one occasion threatened me with physical violence and locked me out of the house. This was because he didn`t recognise me and thought I was an intruder.

We did have some nice times together but without notice, a switch was turned on and all hell broke loose.

Would I have stayed with anyone other than my husband under these circumstances? Absolutely not.

The bad memories are fading now, six years after his death. Now I only feel sorrow and sadness that he had to suffer so much.
 

where did she go

Registered User
Nov 6, 2018
16
Another difficult day today, culminating in Ambulance, paramedics and a trip to the hospital - following another afternoon of agitation and hostility from OH - and meltdown from me. Decided to not wait in A & E for the proposed four hours, to be told that there is really nothing they can do - So I discharged her and brought her home, because I wanted to take care of her. Will she go to bed peacefully ? - No. Is she still wandering around the house messing it up? - Yes. Do I know what the hell to do anymore ? - No.
Now I love my wife, from the depth of my soul. I think that she is a really lovely person and I know that she is the love of my life - I know she can't help it. I know its the ****** Alzheimers. I know she will probably not remember tomorrow morning what happened today.
However, I don't like her. There you go, I've said it. Tomorrow I will probably feel better and off we will go on the Alzheimers merry-go-round again.
What happened to my life???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Hang in there. You are not alone but we all feel like we are. I have the same problems with my wife. Ive loved her for 50 years now but she's become impossible due to her dementia plus she is in end stage COPD which is an horrendous cocktail as she forgets that she cant go upstairs withoutvthe stair lift so ends up half way incapable and in need of her nebulisers which are in the bedroom and kitchen!! Ivd had to call 999 16 times in the last 2 years due to her COPD but she still smokes as she forgets that she shouldnt and goez mental if i suggest she stops. Then theres all the usual forgetfulness we all know about and anger and locking me out as she doesnt know me. So you have my deepest understanding and sympathy with how you feel. Its a normal human reaction to the torture that we live thru every groundhog day.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
143
I have every sympathy because I know exactly how you feel. At first, life was fairly normal, forgetfulness on the part of my husband, and his speech became affected quite early on. But on the whole life went on, and I thought I would be able to cope well. Then, suddenly, he became this unbearable monster!! He ranted on and on, he thought he could do everything, but actually didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. I was accused of stealing his money, of having affairs, etc etc. I spent nearly everyday in tears and packed my bags several times, but knew he wouldn’t manage without me, and where would I go anyway? Then about 6 months ago, he told me his wife (me) had gone to her sisters and taken his money with her. Now I was someone new who had slotted in but he didn’t really know who I was. But he liked me. However, by then, I wished I’d never set eyes on him!!! The agitation about his money was still there, day after day, his wife had taken it etc.
The mental health team realised my plight. I was genuinely suicidal, but I knew I wanted to look after my lovely husband, whatever he was putting me through. The doctor prescribed Risperidone, at first on a limited basis, but gradually it has been increased to regular daily doses. It has made a huge difference. The psychiatrist also tells me that sometimes the PWD quietens down as the disease progresses. We still have bad days, but not so many. He is now very affectionate, but doesn’t really know who I am!! He just feels safe I
So hang on in there. Try to remember the good times. Tell the doctors exactly how YOU feel and they will respond. Hiding away and putting up with things is not the answer.
You have all my best wishes! As they say, “been there, done that, got the T shirt!!!”
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
337
Another difficult day today, culminating in Ambulance, paramedics and a trip to the hospital - following another afternoon of agitation and hostility from OH - and meltdown from me. Decided to not wait in A & E for the proposed four hours, to be told that there is really nothing they can do - So I discharged her and brought her home, because I wanted to take care of her. Will she go to bed peacefully ? - No. Is she still wandering around the house messing it up? - Yes. Do I know what the hell to do anymore ? - No.
Now I love my wife, from the depth of my soul. I think that she is a really lovely person and I know that she is the love of my life - I know she can't help it. I know its the ****** Alzheimers. I know she will probably not remember tomorrow morning what happened today.
However, I don't like her. There you go, I've said it. Tomorrow I will probably feel better and off we will go on the Alzheimers merry-go-round again.
What happened to my life???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
This is the place to rant @Lladro hope you're having a better day today. It's just so hard isn't it, my partner was lovely last night, happy and smiling but today he's grumpy, angry, complaining and just not lovable at all. I can't remember if you said in a previous post that you had a respite week booked - if not then perhaps it's worth looking into, you just can't keep going on and on and on, it sounds like it's all got on top of you and you really need a break. I'm going to give it a try in February, I don't suppose he'll be happy about it but they really do become so selfish that we sometimes just have to ignore what they want and look after ourselves for once.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
108
I think you are at burnout stage, and time to get more help @Lladro. You really have to look after yourself first, or you won’t be able to look after your wife.
 

Florencefennel

Registered User
Jun 11, 2018
28
Another difficult day today, culminating in Ambulance, paramedics and a trip to the hospital - following another afternoon of agitation and hostility from OH - and meltdown from me. Decided to not wait in A & E for the proposed four hours, to be told that there is really nothing they can do - So I discharged her and brought her home, because I wanted to take care of her. Will she go to bed peacefully ? - No. Is she still wandering around the house messing it up? - Yes. Do I know what the hell to do anymore ? - No.
Now I love my wife, from the depth of my soul. I think that she is a really lovely person and I know that she is the love of my life - I know she can't help it. I know its the ****** Alzheimers. I know she will probably not remember tomorrow morning what happened today.
However, I don't like her. There you go, I've said it. Tomorrow I will probably feel better and off we will go on the Alzheimers merry-go-round again.
What happened to my life???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
You reminded of what I used to say to my children when they were of an age
Another difficult day today, culminating in Ambulance, paramedics and a trip to the hospital - following another afternoon of agitation and hostility from OH - and meltdown from me. Decided to not wait in A & E for the proposed four hours, to be told that there is really nothing they can do - So I discharged her and brought her home, because I wanted to take care of her. Will she go to bed peacefully ? - No. Is she still wandering around the house messing it up? - Yes. Do I know what the hell to do anymore ? - No.
Now I love my wife, from the depth of my soul. I think that she is a really lovely person and I know that she is the love of my life - I know she can't help it. I know its the ****** Alzheimers. I know she will probably not remember tomorrow morning what happened today.
However, I don't like her. There you go, I've said it. Tomorrow I will probably feel better and off we will go on the Alzheimers merry-go-round again.
What happened to my life???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
You reminded me of what I used to say to my children... I will always love you but just at this moment I don’t like your behaviour. Today I had a bit of a meltdown with my partner when he chose to walk through our bungalow with extremely muddy shoes( after our dog walk) and was then very rude about my ‘bossiness ‘!! As usual, I walked away and swallowed it but where is all that swallowing of tension going? I practice meditative breathing daily!
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
115
As always - Thank you to all of you lovely suffering people out there for you kind replies and advice. The muddy shoes one resonated with me as she walked around our lounge, up the stairs and across the landing, with really muddy shoes on - not once, not twice after I had cleaned up, but three times yesterday. Tonight, she was eating a Chinese take away out of her bowl with one hand and holding the plastic take-away tub in the other, eating out of both and then dropped the container onto the carpet, said "oops" and just carried on eating whilst I was under the table desperately trying to get it off the carpet before it was a permanent reminder left on our beige carpet. She never said another word and managed to finish off the rest of the meal whilst I was banging my head against the wall in the kitchen.
We had the conversation about respite again today, but she is completely unable to grasp why that should be needed. I am going to have to just arrange it - otherwise I know that I am close to either murder or meltdown.