Leaving my mum after a visit

[josephinewilson]

It is two weeks on Wednesday since my mum moved into a carehome. I know she is happy because she tells me she is, the carers say she has settled in really well and when I have visited her (3 times so far) she repeatedly says how lovely everyone is and what a nice room she is. She even said, last time, " I live here now" which was great!
However... the last couple of times I have visited her and when it was time for me to go she got really clingy -the first time looking very confused, muttering something about how was she going to get "home" if I left her?
The care assistants have reassured me that, just as when you leave your toddlers at nursery, a few seconds after you leave, they have forgotten you and are fine, so it is the same with my mother, so I am not overly concerned on that score. BUT -I am unsure how best to "leave" her when I next go, to minimise the scene, and it has been preying on my mind since my last visit yesterday. The carers suggested not saying I was just off to the toilet or nipping down the corridor because she might go looking for me and get confused as to where I had gone. They told me to simply say I have to go back to work and will be back very soon - and then to go quickly and they will distract her. I did this yesterday and as I was walking out (briskly) one of the carers (whom my mum says is lovely!) was taking her by the arm and asking her to help her with another lady who was a bit upset (a love lie) but as she was leading my mother away, I heard my mum distressed saying No! No!

I suppose I have to believe the carers when they say she soon forgets me and is easily distracted. I can't peer in through the window to check as I did with my children at nursery, because she's on the first floor

 

[Witzend]

I used to tell my mother that I was just popping to the shops/dry cleaners before they closed, or I was going to pick OH up from the station/airport - but I'd be back very soon. (She had no idea of time so I could say it at any time). She would forget so quickly that I'd been, so I didn't feel bad. I once nipped back after just a couple of minutes to get my cardi - she had no idea that I'd only just left.

 

[Beate]

I remember very clearly the advice John Suchet was given when he put his wife ("My Bonnie") in a care home: "Parachute in, evaporate out." So basically, don't make a big fuss with lots of kisses and "see you"s, just let someone distract her, then leave. I don't see what difference it would make to say you're just going to the toilet if she is apparently so easily distracted. I'd say make the excuse you feel comfortable with.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi josephinewilson
I tend to agree with the carers - when he first went into the care home, I was very matter of fact with dad, no big farewell - usually saying I'm off to do some shopping (sometimes even asking him if he wants anything, which implies I'll be back sometime); he seems happy with that - once in a while he asks when I'll be back and I try to be non-committal if I'm not sure; if I know I'll be back next day, though, I say so - he's a bit more accepting now and so I do our old bedtime routine, the familiar words seem to be comforting to him
I definitely don't let him walk me to the door or see me leaving his section - I just walk out of the room he's in - if he seems about to get up I smile, telling him not to get up that I'll see myself out and want to know he's comfortable
you'll work out a routine for the 2 of you

 

[tigerlady]

I still have the problem of how to leave my husband after a visit after 20 months of him being in care. Sometimes I keep leaving him - to go to his room or to the loo or to see a member of staff - and keep coming back. Then when I do go, he has no idea that I'm not coming back, and I have to believe the staff when they say he forgets I've been as soon as I've gone.
Other times I say I just have to pop to the shops and will be back later, or if I take the dog I say I just have to take her out and its too cold/windy/wet for him to come and I wont be long.
Other times I leave before he has finished his meal and just go while he is concentrating on that
If he is really being clingy I get a carer to chat to him to distract him and make my escape. Its so upsetting. He's worse if I stay till after the evening meal, as then the sundowning starts in earnest and I cant distract him.

So you could try saying you have a bit of shopping to do, or get petrol for the car, or you have to pick someone up from the station etc and that you wont be long.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hi, Josephine. I'm glad to hear your mother is still doing well, and you are also, with the care home.

I think that it's trial-and-error for each of us, but I'd say a quick (if not quiet) exit is usually best. I would also suggest that you be careful about your tone of voice and body language. My mother doesn't always pick up on verbal statements but she can zoom in on nonverbals with a scary, laser-like quality, so I have to make sure I am always 100% calm and pleasant (humour is okay) around her.

If you feel it will upset your mother to say that you are leaving, then I'd make an excuse (going to the toilet, et cetera) and then a quiet exit. Or you could just say you are leaving, and go, but definitely don't drag it out.

Sometimes my mother will say something like, it's getting late, or don't you need to go, or do you have to be somewhere, and that is ALWAYS a cue from her that she is ready for us to leave and/or it's okay for us to leave. I have found it's better to take the hint, and go, even if I don't feel ready to go or that I've spent enough time. She can tire very easily these days, and I forget that.

I also agree with tigerlady that we have to be careful not only not to stay too long (duration of visit) but also to watch the timing, as my mother does sometimes sundown and it's best to leave well before that begins. We find that a visit between about 11 am and 2-3 pm works best for us, but of course this will vary. Sometimes she's just fine in the evenings and other days, not so much.

I also have stopped telling my mother when I will next see her, as she gets upset/agitated trying to remember. So now we always say, goodbye, we love you, see you soon.

I am sure you will find what works best for you. It's early days yet and try not to be too hard on yourself; it's a big adjustment for everyone.

 

[Aisling]

It is two weeks on Wednesday since my mum moved into a carehome. I know she is happy because she tells me she is, the carers say she has settled in really well and when I have visited her (3 times so far) she repeatedly says how lovely everyone is and what a nice room she is. She even said, last time, " I live here now" which was great!
However... the last couple of times I have visited her and when it was time for me to go she got really clingy -the first time looking very confused, muttering something about how was she going to get "home" if I left her?
The care assistants have reassured me that, just as when you leave your toddlers at nursery, a few seconds after you leave, they have forgotten you and are fine, so it is the same with my mother, so I am not overly concerned on that score. BUT -I am unsure how best to "leave" her when I next go, to minimise the scene, and it has been preying on my mind since my last visit yesterday. The carers suggested not saying I was just off to the toilet or nipping down the corridor because she might go looking for me and get confused as to where I had gone. They told me to simply say I have to go back to work and will be back very soon - and then to go quickly and they will distract her. I did this yesterday and as I was walking out (briskly) one of the carers (whom my mum says is lovely!) was taking her by the arm and asking her to help her with another lady who was a bit upset (a love lie) but as she was leading my mother away, I heard my mum distressed saying No! No!

I suppose I have to believe the carers when they say she soon forgets me and is easily distracted. I can't peer in through the window to check as I did with my children at nursery, because she's on the first floor

Hi Josephine,

Sending you loads of support and hugs. It must be so difficult for you. You know your Mum is safe and well cared for, and she is in the best possible place.

You and your Mum are in my thoughts and prayers.

Aisling xxxx