learning to say good bye


Registered User
Nov 22, 2008
My mum was admitted to hospital yesterday with a chest infection and suspected pneumonia. They say there going to reassess my mum today and decide on what they going to do if anything. My mum has only been in a care home since January and has deteriorated rapidly since they stopped my mums aricept they put her back on it when I constantly complained but would only give her 5mg instead of the 10mg might as well as given her nothing for all the good it did and is now in the last stages of this horrendous illness. Now all the so called family are now starting to come out of hiding starting with my so called siblings it just beggars belief. They didn’t want to know when it came to looking after my mum. One of my mums sibling turned up the other week and started blubbering because how my mum was. She has not bothered with my mum for nearly a year and the last time she saw her she must have spent at least an hour with her wow What has she got to be unhappy about it never crossed her mind when my mum was sobbing her hart out when she was finally forced to come to terms with this illness and needed her family around to support her but they just didn’t want to know. The next few days are going to be really hard. I know im just going to get pushed out ive done all the difficult part the caring side the supporting side and helping my mum to have a life side. This year has been really bad cant have got any worse. My mum was forced into a home at that point my mum’s life as she new it ended; I lost my job, I got cancer though through my treatment im in remission upto now and now im properly going to be burying my lovely mum what a Christmas this is going to be… All I want for Christmas is my mum. But as i read other peoples postings it makes me realise there are still a lot of other people out there who are worse off than me and my poor mum and in that it gives me strength because there are always other people worse off than you. It makes me count my blessings though i wish things could have been different..I told my mum that it was upto her now if she wanted to fight on for a little longer or go and be with her loving mum and dad now. I would like my mum to stay just for one last Christmas but that is my mums choice. This illness and other people have taken away all my mums rights my mums dignity but it they will not take away this one in the end this is going to be my mums choice my mums decision.


Registered User
Jan 29, 2005
Hi Simon,
My heart goes out to you.

I guess I'm inclined to say, forget how your siblings have been. They have to square up with their own consciences.

However, you know that you have done the best for your Mum and, at some level, she will have appreciated your care and known that you love her. You can't do any more than that.

I hope you can spend as much time as you can with your Mum and that she gets on OK.

Take care.
Love Elaine


Registered User
Feb 19, 2009
Torquay Devon

Hiya Simon, always remember "you can only do what you can do" and you are quite clearly doing your best. Your relatives will have to live with what they "Havent done" Our help and support will always be here for you Simon, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
Hi Simonmonty, so sorry to hear this situation. My every empathy with ‘long-lost relatives’ creeping out of the proverbial woodwork at this time. I remember my anger at the same – recognising they were there to absolve their guilt – and wanting to challenge them where had they been the last 5/10 years when mum could have properly benefitted from their company? Why they suddenly need to say ‘good-bye’ and miraculously could make efforts to visit when they hadn’t done previously for years? If you can (not that I did it very well) try not to let those feelings get in the way of what precious time you have now with mum.

You know what you have done for mum ... that will live on forever .. and your attitude to her making her last choice is admirable.

I wish you strength through the coming days,
Love, Karen, x


Registered User
Feb 3, 2009
Dear Simon,

Please try to remember that not only do you know just what you've done for your mum, but your mum knows too. She is the only thing that counts right now. Let the others come and blub their guilty eyes out. You and your mum know the truth. I hope you and your lovely mum manage to have Christmas together. If not, then it is not meant to be and you are very brave to have given her permission to go.

Thinking of you both

Vonny xx


Registered User
Aug 18, 2006

you will be able to hold your head up, and you will also be able to look back at the love and support you gave (and recieved) with fondness and without regret.
Sadly others will not be able to say the same, and tomorrow will last a lot longer than today.
When this is over give yourself a big hug, and know what a kind loving person you are.


Registered User
Nov 22, 2008
To everyone

Thank you for your kind words. Today the specialist will make an assessment and decide what to do if anything. My mum has fluid on one of her lungs and an infection which is being treated with antibiotics and they are going to test my mums swallowing which they suspect may have caused my mums lung infection. I suspect they are going to ask if they should with draw treatment taking in my mums quality of life. I don't know what to do on that point. Things are never strait forward are they. Any suggestions would be of help or if anyone has been in the same situation could you tell me about what you did and what happened to help me make up my mind. Thank you all ..Simon :(


Registered User
Oct 27, 2009
Dear Simon
What a sad situation to be facing at any time, but especially just now. Do you know what your mum would have wanted at this stage? Mine has made it clear that she would want treatment withdrawn. If your mum hasn't discussed it with you, are there other relatives, or close friends of hers who may be able to shed light on the situation? It is a hard hard decision to have to make on your own. My heart goes out to you.


Registered User
Feb 28, 2008
Macclesfield, Cheshire
So sorry to hear about your mum Simon. You are full of anger for your family and grief for your mum and it is very overwhelming. Try very hard to forget your thoughtless siblings and Auntie for now and make the mose of your precious time with mum. You have some very hard decisions to make here, but make them knowing you have been a wonderfull son, tender and caring and always putting mums needs first. As Vonny says- she will KNOW this. Be proud of that and use that pride to give you strength as you come to terms with this final stage and the decisions you have to face. Think of what your mum would want- ignore everything else.
Your resentment and anger is wasted energy and emotion, and you need all your reserves right now. They only have to live with themselves in the end Simon. Stay strong. xx


Registered User
Sep 28, 2009
Dear Simon, You are nearing the end of a long and painful road. You have loved your mum so much and done so much for her. My thoughts are with you all.


Registered User
Nov 16, 2008
Hi Simon
So sorry to hear of this difficult time for you. I would echo what the others said and focus on time with your Mum. Make sure you keep in touch with the nursing staff at the hospital so you are aware of what is going on. You cannot do more. Stay strong.


Registered User
May 12, 2007
Hi Simon,
My thoughts are with you at this truly difficult time. Words cannot express how difficult this time is for you, but I do understand what you are going through and it is heartbreaking it truly is. My Dad suffered from recurrent chest infections and had pneumonia also. Near the end the antibiotics (one after another after another!) just did not work and made him more uncomfortable and ill. He just had nothing left to give. I did ask if they could try one more lot, but, was quietly suggested, look at his poor quality of life and how much pain he is in through the antibiotics. There was no choice for us in the end; I could not bear to see my dad suffer any longer. But everyone is different and you will know the right thing for your mum in your heart. I also think the Doctors/Nurses/Care Managers know (most of the time!). I would give anything to have my Dad back, but only if he was not in pain and comfortable, and he wasn't for some months, it was a downhill slide, that he was never going to get back from, that was plain to see. I am not saying your mum is like my dad, far from it, but, I do think you will know the right thing when the time comes. If you need to pm me anytime please feel free.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.



Registered User
Nov 22, 2008
Well the decision was made last night and though my mum will be given antibiotics. They will not fight it aggressively and if my mum stays stable till bank holiday my mum will be going back to the care home to spend the last of her days.They said my mum has about two weeks left to live though it might be sooner. My mum has renal failure now just when you think it carnt get any worse it always dose :(

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Hi Simon

Sadly pneumonia and lung problems are a big cause of death in the elderly for all sorts of reasons. Infection, immobility, lung damage itself, especially if your mum was ever a smoker.

I don't think Alzheimers really affects these problems.

Remind yourself that you have done the best you could, and I hope you manage Christmas without upset.




Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
I'm so sorry for your situation Simon. Can't add any more than others have already said. Take care Izzy x


Registered User
Nov 22, 2008
My mum granted my final two wishes this morning at 11.00am. My mum was wide awake and very alert more then i have seen for the last few days.I gave my mum her Christmas presents and opened them for her and showed them to her.My mum looked really interested in them, Then i cut her finger nails and cleaned them for her,then she looked to the right side of the room at the ceiling as though she had seen something her eyes totally fixed on something moving slowly down to the left hand side of the bed. the rumbling of her breathing subsided she slowey closed her eyes as i said that i loved her and that it was now time to go home now and that her mum and dad had come for her and our cat smutty wanted to snuggle up on her nees as he always had done before he died some twenty six years ago. I told her that all my love would be going with her and i would be ok and it was time to go now I love you mum with all my hart and we are finally at the end. A tear from each eye ran down her face as i cradled her in my arms. My mum peacefully passed away. My beautiful loving mum was now finally free and this terrible illness was finally over for both of us. My mum had waited for me to come to her to spend our last Christmas together my mums Christmas gift to me. :)


Registered User
Dec 21, 2008
I'm so glad that you were there for your Mum and that she waited for you.

Thinking of you tonight.


Registered User
Dec 26, 2009
Cheshire, UK

I am in a similar position too. My mum has deterirated very rapidly and is hardly drinking now. Having to keep vigil, taking it in turns with an estranged brother.
What makes it worse is she had to be transferred to a different nursing home, from hospital on xmas eve, because there were no nursing beds at her previous home, which was lovely, she had been there for almost 4 years.
So we are surrounded by strangers, in an unfamiliar place at the worse time of year, you cant get any, information, help or advice? I feel in such despair but am trying to stay strong for my mum. Spent hours there yesterday and going again this morning with my husband. I dont know when the end will come but I just want to ease my mums passing. I am sorry for you and hope you find the strength to deal with this awful situation. Take care.