Keeping emotions under control

[Kelvin20]

I expect I am just having a bad day but feel very low. Husband with alzhiemers does potter in garden but doing nothing worthwhile, but today took shears and cut down all my clematis plants which I have nurture for years growing to cover a rather ugly fence. I just burst into tears when I saw what he had done and then denied. I find it so hard to act in a positive way when he does these things. He thinks he is perfectly normal and i am the one to blame for everything. I expect hiding the shears along its so many other things will be the only answer. Sorry for the moan but family are all on a day out and don’t want to spoil their day. No one but people living with this can ever really know the constant trials.
love to you all trying to survive.

 

[LynneMcV]

Never apologise for offloading here @Kelvin20 - we are all here to support each other and fully understand the frustrations that arise through caring for a loved one with dementia.

Of course you are upset at seeing years of hard, nurturing work destroyed. Of course you understand that dementia is to blame - but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel upset about the situation and to share that with others.

I was never much of a gardener myself, just a potterer really, and my husband liked to potter too. We both found it relaxing in our own ways.

Unfortunately, as the disease progressed, I found that I was unable to leave him to potter about on his own for very long - and yes, I did have to hide various gardening tools at times. In our case it was more of a safety issue. So, while gardening remained therapeutic for my husband, it became quite a trial for me as I felt I couldn't turn my back on him for very long.

I hope you feel a bit better after putting your thoughts down in writing. I know how isolating it can feel when we don't want to burden family - and weekends in particular can feel so long and drawn out.

 

[jay6]

I expect I am just having a bad day but feel very low. Husband with alzhiemers does potter in garden but doing nothing worthwhile, but today took shears and cut down all my clematis plants which I have nurture for years growing to cover a rather ugly fence. I just burst into tears when I saw what he had done and then denied. I find it so hard to act in a positive way when he does these things. He thinks he is perfectly normal and i am the one to blame for everything. I expect hiding the shears along its so many other things will be the only answer. Sorry for the moan but family are all on a day out and don’t want to spoil their day. No one but people living with this can ever really know the constant trials.
love to you all trying to survive.

Don't worry, we all have these bad days unfortunately. I can totally understand why you got so upset. It's hard when you have done something you are so proud of and a PWD ruins it. It does make it so much harder when we can't reason with them. It's always our fault, never theirs and you are so right in saying no one understands unless they are dealing with it all. Especially as the PWD comes across as 'normal' to others.
At least you can chat to others here and know you aren't alone.

 

[Kelvin20]

Thanks for the reply. And yes weekends are the worst as you remember all the good things you used to do together. But we all live in hope tomorrow will be a better day

 

[Dianej]

Hi @Kelvin20, I can so relate to your experience. I can be priding myself on coping with everything that life throws at me, and then suddenly something happens that gets through my defences when other sometimes worse things have happened.
So last week the lid went missing from the Brita filter jug that live near the kitchen sink and filters our hard water. Predictably, OH said he hadn't moved it. Then about three days later, the lid turned up - in the kettle, which had been boiled with the lid in it. Result, one very misshapen plastic lid and the need to buy a new filter jug. It could have been even worse as the lid contains a lithium battery which had been boiled!
I'm afraid the denial sent me into meltdown, crying and shouting, which just leaves me feeling guilty and ashamed that I could lose it like that with someone who is so ill and just looks at me bewildered.
Incidentally, I have been hiding the TV remotes for a few months but that's not working any more, as OH has discovered all the hiding places. He may have Alzheimers, but he's not stupid. I now wear jeans with lots of pockets. Currently I'm carrying around two mobile phones(mine and his), scissors, a pen, two sets of keys (front and back), and two TV remotes. You are so right that only people living with this can really know how it is. I don't bother to tell family and friends what goes on as it just sounds as if I'm moaning all the time. It's a luxury to be able to have a rant on here!

 

[jay6]

Thanks for the reply. And yes weekends are the worst as you remember all the good things you used to do together. But we all live in hope tomorrow will be a better day

At least you have good memories, that's something to treasure. Unfortunately lot don't have those. Hope you feel better tomorrow. I think the only answer is to hid the sheers etc. so he doesn't ruin any more plants. Luckely I don't have that problem. Mine never did the garden before dementia so no chance now.

 

[Neveradullday!]

I expect I am just having a bad day but feel very low. Husband with alzhiemers does potter in garden but doing nothing worthwhile, but today took shears and cut down all my clematis plants which I have nurture for years growing to cover a rather ugly fence. I just burst into tears when I saw what he had done and then denied. I find it so hard to act in a positive way when he does these things. He thinks he is perfectly normal and i am the one to blame for everything. I expect hiding the shears along its so many other things will be the only answer. Sorry for the moan but family are all on a day out and don’t want to spoil their day. No one but people living with this can ever really know the constant trials.
love to you all trying to survive.

Hi @Kelvin20
I've read a few accounts on here of loved ones with this thing, taking a dislike to various plants. A few days ago, my mother wanted me to cut half of the well established climbing rose down. I suppose I could have done it for a quiet life, but refused, there then followed a mini meltdown (not from me, I hasten to add!).
Yes, hide the shears etc, if possible. My mum still has a go at pulling plants out by hand, all part of the journey.

A member of the Alzheimer's Society was interviewed on the radio this morning - the old chestnut of music reaching a healthy part of the brain came up - "Oh, how fascinating", the interviewer said.
I thought, "Should I tell him?" The general public don't know the half of it, ie the challenges carers face - why should they.
Being on the front line is hard, but we'll get through.

 

[jay6]

Hi @Kelvin20, I can so relate to your experience. I can be priding myself on coping with everything that life throws at me, and then suddenly something happens that gets through my defences when other sometimes worse things have happened.
So last week the lid went missing from the Brita filter jug that live near the kitchen sink and filters our hard water. Predictably, OH said he hadn't moved it. Then about three days later, the lid turned up - in the kettle, which had been boiled with the lid in it. Result, one very misshapen plastic lid and the need to buy a new filter jug. It could have been even worse as the lid contains a lithium battery which had been boiled!
I'm afraid the denial sent me into meltdown, crying and shouting, which just leaves me feeling guilty and ashamed that I could lose it like that with someone who is so ill and just looks at me bewildered.
Incidentally, I have been hiding the TV remotes for a few months but that's not working any more, as OH has discovered all the hiding places. He may have Alzheimers, but he's not stupid. I now wear jeans with lots of pockets. Currently I'm carrying around two mobile phones(mine and his), scissors, a pen, two sets of keys (front and back), and two TV remotes. You are so right that only people living with this can really know how it is. I don't bother to tell family and friends what goes on as it just sounds as if I'm moaning all the time. It's a luxury to be able to have a rant on here!

See what we have to put up with. No one understands this bit. Mines not too bad at present but I know it's coming. The other day, I made some toast and went to put some marmite on it but couldn't find anywhere. Asked OH who said had no idea, suggesting I probably used it all and thrown jar away. Even suggested I had a memory loss. Found it a few days later under the sink. But! yes you've guessed it. It wasn't him.

 

[Kelvin20]

Good to read of others experiences. Even gave me a little laugh on what has been a trying day x

 

[jay6]

Good to read of others experiences. Even gave me a little laugh on what has been a trying day x

Yes it's good to still be able to laugh sometimes. We had a bit of an argument yesterday over him not showering, ended up with him saying he doesn't know what is wrong with me and my memory is bad. Made me laugh, he obviously doesn't doesn't accept he's the one with the dementia!

 

[JaxG]

I have hidden garden shears, the drill, the saw, sandpaper, anything that can cause damage, and any food that I might want to eat at some future point!!!
But on a serious note, it is heart breaking to see things being damaged or destroyed, especially when as Carers we lose so much. xxxx

 

[Palerider]

I expect I am just having a bad day but feel very low. Husband with alzhiemers does potter in garden but doing nothing worthwhile, but today took shears and cut down all my clematis plants which I have nurture for years growing to cover a rather ugly fence. I just burst into tears when I saw what he had done and then denied. I find it so hard to act in a positive way when he does these things. He thinks he is perfectly normal and i am the one to blame for everything. I expect hiding the shears along its so many other things will be the only answer. Sorry for the moan but family are all on a day out and don’t want to spoil their day. No one but people living with this can ever really know the constant trials.
love to you all trying to survive.

There is always some kind of method in the madness of it all...my mum after years of nurturing her house plants which she took great pride in took a turn and killed them all, all that remains is her cactus that sits on my windowsill

 

[scotlass]

My husband has a thing about the central heating, without the heating on at the moment the room temperature is 21 degrees, but because the radiators are cold he turns the thermostat up, I turn it back down, he says I should see the dr if I'm sweating there must be something wrong with me, me not him..

 

[Kelvin20]

The trouble is if OH keeps telling you that there is something wrong with you and they are perfectly normal you might just start to believe it ! That is why this forum is a godsend to all carers

 

[Neveradullday!]

The trouble is if OH keeps telling you that there is something wrong with you and they are perfectly normal you might just start to believe it ! That is why this forum is a godsend to all carers

This is my post of the week, @Kelvin20 .
This forum makes so much difference. Thank you, everyone!

 

[sapphire turner]

Oh yes i often doubt my sanity where would I be without you all 😹😹😹xxx

 

[jay6]

Isn't it nice to know we aren't alone

 

[sapphire turner]

❤️❤️❤️xxx

 

[JaxG]

You are so right

The trouble is if OH keeps telling you that there is something wrong with you and they are perfectly normal you might just start to believe it ! That is why this forum is a godsend to all carers

You are so right. Every time my OH can't do something or gets something wrong, he tells me it's my fault!! I have felt like I am losing it on many occasions!! It is a huge relief to know we are not alone. xx

 

[Cerisy]

It is so so hard not to react - I can usually just accept that of course it’s my fault … just sometimes when it only happened a couple of minutes ago I briefly snap. She forgets so quickly fortunately. Then she forgets what we were just talking about or had just done and I swallow hard and go over it all again. I been asked how much one of her pensions is so many times I know it to the penny (well, cent as it’s in euros!!).