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Just want a bit of support really

Angela T

Registered User
Jul 13, 2014
187
France
This week I had to deal with my mum's double incontinence for the first time. She didn't seem to mind, she wasn't worried at all that I had to clean her up but it really shook me up. I didn't know I would have such a problem with this but I do, I do. I know this is such a selfish reaction and I am being such a rubbish daughter. I'm ashamed that this post is all about me, when it is really about her and what the dreaded disease has done and is doing. Please can anyone give me anything to hold on to?
IzzyJ,

Why are we so hard on ourselves ? What would you tell a friend who told you this? You would no doubt sympathise with her and support her, you would not think she was selfish, or a rubbish daughter. You would probably tell her that she is doing the best she can in the (extremely trying) circumstances, but that if it is too much, she would do well to get help.

We do not HAVE to do this for our mums or dads. Some of us are OK with it, some struggle with it, and some can't do it. There's no right or wrong, it's about what we can or can't do.

We do our best but we can't do more. What your mum most needs from you is the special relationship that you have with her, as her daughter. If dealing with her double incontinence causes problems for you, then maybe the time has come to get some help... you know that she will get worse, with time.

I know that I would not wish my daughters to do this for me.
 

bemused1

Registered User
Mar 4, 2012
3,402
I have to say IzzyJ this is something I deal with without a thought for my husband day in day out. With parents I don't know whether I would have been able to, its a whole different relationship. Well done you, you did really well.
 

IzzyJ

Registered User
Aug 23, 2015
86
Cotswolds
I know, we don't HAVE to, but the dreaded guilt makes us really. You are all so right, and what AngelaT says above is exactly what I would tell a friend. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive, but I do know inside that I am NOT being a good daughter at the moment. I am so confused, guilty and angry too, mostly at myself. Gritting my teeth and dreading every day. Getting help is difficult, there are others in the family who do far more than their bit while working but won't accept the idea of 'outsiders' being involved, as if we should be ashamed. I don't feel like that - it is an illness like any other, and needs to be managed. And I will get accustomed, I know, it will be a long haul. Good advice about having all the 'kit' to hand, from now on, anyway. Thanks to everyone, it helps no end to know that you all understand, and haven't just judged me for being like this.
 

chelsea girl

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
139
I think its the hardest thing i do for my mum. She was such a proud lady and now i often have to clean her up! I find it hard and so does she at times, she cries and i think her dignity is lost! I feel wrong doing it and if she didnt have als she wouldnt let me (she was prudish). One consellation is that she'll soon forget even if u dont. Chin up xx
 

tigerqueen

Registered User
Mar 11, 2014
75
Essex
IDear IzzyJ

You are not a selfish daughter at all, think of all the things you do for your mum, and don't blame yourself for the things you find hard. X
 
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Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
For what it's worth, I would absolutely HATE my daughters to have to cope with my incontinence. If I ever get to anything like that stage, God forbid, then they have strict instructions to find me a nice care home. And personally, I don't think it's at all in the same category as cleaning up babies or small children. We all take it for granted that we will have to cope with pooey babies and toddlers if we have them - it goes with the territory and is a normal, accepted. part of baby- and toddler-hood. It is not necessarily a normal, accepted part of being an older or ageing parent.

I am not very squeamish about poo and have dealt with it in dementia, but not on a daily basis, and I think that would have been where I would have drawn the line, though thankfully we never got to quite that stage with my mother or with FIL before they went into care homes. I don't think anyone should ever be made to feel bad or guilty if they are not prepared to take this on on a daily basis. If people are prepared to do it, fine, and hats off to them, but please don't try to make others feel bad and uncaring if they are not. It doesn't mean they don't love their parents enough.