Just want a bit of support really

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by IzzyJ, Sep 4, 2015.

  1. IzzyJ

    IzzyJ Registered User

    Aug 23, 2015
    This week I had to deal with my mum's double incontinence for the first time. She didn't seem to mind, she wasn't worried at all that I had to clean her up but it really shook me up. I didn't know I would have such a problem with this but I do, I do. I know this is such a selfish reaction and I am being such a rubbish daughter. I'm ashamed that this post is all about me, when it is really about her and what the dreaded disease has done and is doing. Please can anyone give me anything to hold on to?
  2. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    You're not a rubbish daughter at all she is very lucky to have such a caring daughter. It's not all about your mum it is about you too so look after yourself as well as your mum. So sad this dementia it takes away bits from everyone involved.
  3. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    Hold on to the thought you are definitely not a rubbish daughter. Never think that! My mum does not have incontinence problems as yet, but I know the day will probably come and I have no idea how I'll cope, just thinking about it is enough! As I see it you coped, well done you, not sure I will. No way you are a rubbish daughter!!!
  4. IzzyJ

    IzzyJ Registered User

    Aug 23, 2015
    Bless you both for coming on and giving me some support, I really appreciate it. It's so hard sometimes to actually talk about it all. Nobody understands who isn't on the same journey.
  5. blueboy

    blueboy Registered User

    Feb 21, 2015
    Have had the same thing recently - it is very difficult - just realise that your Mum is totally unaware of what is happening. It is heartbreaking though for us..
  6. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I was so grateful that I never had to face this as I know it would have been a step too far for me. I'm full of admiration that you coped so well, but if you don't feel you can do this long-term it's time to get some help.
  7. Wendy C

    Wendy C Registered User

    Jan 29, 2012
    West Midlands
    I had to clean up my Mom quite a few times. If she had known she would have been devastated. Its something we don't ever think we would have to do, but we do it because we love them. I just cried for hours after, so upsetting what was happening to my Mom. So sad.
  8. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    Top daughter

    hi . First things first. Top daugther . It will be hard on you . But you know it for you mam . She would do it for you if she had to. Be strong for her she need you now . You will be very proud of you self that you help her she will be very proud of you has well for looking after her. Im looking after my wife . In the seam spot has you but will look after her has this illnessss is not her fault.or you mam .
  9. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    It's so hard, isn't it?

    I had to do the same for my Mam, she had dementia and it was during the last two weeks of her life
    (she died at home, wouldn't accept carers)
    she was fully aware and I shall never forget her saying to me ...(I'm the youngest of six)
    'I never thought you would have to do this for me, I'm so sorry'

    I thought my heart would tear in two.

    Instead I heard myself saying 'you did it for me, Mam, you did it for your Mam, I'm just taking my turn'.

    Even though I care for my doubly incontinent disabled adult son, I found myself tested too.

    You did it, my friend. YOU DID IT!

    Such love, such tender intimate care, it has its rewards by extending your character to a unique and special place.

    Your dear little Mum is reaping the rewards of her accomplishment as a mother.

    She raised a wonderful daughter like you.
    Be proud of the pair of you. X

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Just echoing what everyone else has said. You did it. Be proud of yourself. You did it for your mum. I have to do it for my husband. Something I never thought I would be able to do - you just find the strength. Like you did.
  11. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    I hate incontinence. I hate having to scrape poo off OH's backside, washing laundry all the time, having the spare room full of incontinence pads, not being able to go to normal hotels anymore... The list goes on. But I do it because it needs to be done. It helps him stay hygienic and healthy and happy and at home. And that makes me feel better when I'm scraping the poo from underneath my fingernails because I have yet again not been clever enough to reach for the gloves!
  12. IzzyJ

    IzzyJ Registered User

    Aug 23, 2015
    I just think you are all such amazing people. What a business it all is. Not sure I will be able to do this long term to be honest.
  13. IzzyJ

    IzzyJ Registered User

    Aug 23, 2015
    Thank you particularly for being so honest, Beate. At the moment that's what I feel, it just needs to be done.
  14. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    This is something that I would struggle with, so please don't let it make you feel like a rubbish daughter.

    Like you, I'd deal with it if I had to - no way would I leave my poor mam in a mess - but it's the main reason that I haven't offered to look after her recently, since this issue started for her. It makes me sad, guilty and ashamed, but I think it would be my tipping point.

    Hugs for you both xx
  15. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    Hi izzyj. I have been helping my mum for a number of years with her incontinence , which has certainly got worse in the last year and I wouldn't have it any other way . As much as it's not pleasant for either of us , my mum relies on me so I will never turn away . I have also ensured my siblings also look after this aspect of my mum's care , as my mum's well being is far more important than them being embarrassed or making them feel bit well with the smell etc. As someone posted , she did and would always do the same for us . We do it for our children , why not for the person who allowed us to have those children . I cannot understand why anyone would not look after their mum for fear of , at it's worst , soiling their hands and putting up with a smell . People comment about the embarrassment , yes if course it's not an experience any of us wish for but we do it because we love and respect the other person . Please don't turn away , they need us more than ever now . My mum always says sorry when I attend to her , and I always give her a hug and tell her not to worry , I would always help her.
  16. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    stoke on trent
    You are not selfish or a rubbish daughter I just think that you like me find it difficult to make sure our own parents are clean and decent I have cleaned my dad that many times now that it is just routine now for me I hope that it will become matter of fact for you too
    You are a good daughter give yourself some credit xx
  17. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    #17 Lindy50, Sep 4, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2015
    Hi IzzyJ :)

    You are not a selfish daughter!!!

    I don't think any of us would look forward to this aspect of care, and I admit I hoped the need for it wouldn't come with my mum. But the need did arise, and like garnuft I found myself saying 'You did it for me, mum, and for your own mum, it's something we do. It's okay'.

    That said, I found it helped enormously to be prepared and organised. I kitted myself out with wet wipes, gloves, no rinse wipes, pads and pants, hand gel and always a plastic bag for the dirty stuff. Oh, and floor wipes as it often got all over the place....I really found being organised gave me confidence and helped me to cope. For the last year mum was at home, I always had this kit with me.

    I am sure you will do what's needed. But as someone said above, it might also be time to get carers in to help.

    All the best :)

    Lindy xx
  18. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    We do the best we can out of love ... and have to accept we're only human.

    I coped with Mum's incontinence when I had to, I did my best to stay kind, accepting, matter of fact and reassuring ... but the poo (everywhere) revolted me. I really struggled to avoid the incontinence harming my love for Mum.

    I agree that good organisation makes a loathsome job easier. I wish I'd known you shouldn't dispose of wet wipes down the loo (sorting out a blocked loo is equally horrid).
  19. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Izzy - lovely as it is that some people on here are able to do it for their spouses or parents, and find deep comfort in the duty of care - you don't have to. If you can't, or there comes a time when you can't care anymore, you don't have to. You have a life. You have the right to your own life. Never forget that, never feel guilty. Just ask yourself: would my mum have wanted this for me? Would I inflict this on my own child? I managed to care long-distance, including getting off a plane to a puddle of viscous poo on the carpet, for my dad for a while. But the job became unbearable when he stopped being thankful and starting treating me to paranoid accusations. We none of us know when we simply have to withdraw - in my case, withdraw emotionally, as his daily needs were by then taken care of in hospital.
  20. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I think your reply is to IzzyJ? Confusing having 2 Izzys!!:)

    IzzYJ do you have any support? Have you had a carer's assessment?

    RedLou is right. You need to look after yourself. What is right for one carer isn't ok for another. We're all individuals.

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