Wow, well done. I really hope you get the outcome that you all need. Let us know what happens.
Just hope I’m doing the right thing
- Thread starter CardiffGirlInEssex
- Start date
Well, I am at my wits end now. Lovely social worker, charming lady. Mum in full hostess mode, refusing to even consider a care home, and them saying she has capacity.
The social worker is going back tomorrow morning, to have another try. They keep suggesting this or that fall detector or door sensor, but the fundamental problem is that my dad just cannot cope with the interrupted nights and, at 92, he really shouldn’t have to. This whole capacity thing is all too often failing to protect people, in my opinion. How can it be right to let the PWD constantly have the whip hand?
The social worker is going back tomorrow morning, to have another try. They keep suggesting this or that fall detector or door sensor, but the fundamental problem is that my dad just cannot cope with the interrupted nights and, at 92, he really shouldn’t have to. This whole capacity thing is all too often failing to protect people, in my opinion. How can it be right to let the PWD constantly have the whip hand?
Agree wholehartedly, you wouldn't let an 8 year old say they could manage but they could manage a darn sight better than a PWD in hostess mode
I’m so sorry. That must feel like a kick in the teeth. Was the social worker at least apologetic? I’ve avoided talking to social services so far as I know it’ll be all about adaptations when I know that’s not what dad fundamentally needs. How’s your dad feeling? Sorry, I’m not clear on your situation - are you nearby or doing this from afar? It’s ridiculous isn’t it. No social worker would leave a small child in the charge if a frail 92 year old so how come this situation is okay? Sorry again.
It’s no surprise. They say the same about my dad.”Fluctuating capacity “is a joke. They take everything that is said to them at face value..
Can you get respite for your mum? Or what about respite for your dad to give him a break??
Thank you, I just felt the need to vent, I am doing this from 200 miles away so that is an added complication. Dad will be ringing me shortly, he will be very unhappy. They listen to him, and to me, but apparently it’s ok for him to be ground right down just so they can say they respected mums wishes. I despair. I can arrange a temporary care home placement for him, but why should he be the one having to leave when he is the one who still has all his marbles?
I agree with you about why should he leave his home but finding it difficult to find other options.
As your mum has “capacity “ she will definitely not go anywhere or can be forced to go..
What about him having a holiday at yours on his own? Sorry running out of ideas.
Respite is what we are trying to get for mum. Dad would be fine at home on his own, but she won’t be. Therefore even though I have started the process of identifying a temporary placement for him, I know it isn’t what he wants. He wants to stay at home. I have mum telling me she is fed up with living, no one talks to her, etc yet she tells the social worker oh yes, she’s fine. And they believe her!! Then she’s wandering in the night, putting all the lights on, dad has to get up to try to cajole her back to bed and he’s the one who falls over and has to have the telecare service out to pick him up. Her behaviour is far more likely to cause him harm than she is to damage herself but it seems he just has to put up with that. My blood is boiling just typing this.
Thanks for your support. He is too frail to travel to mine, and we don’t have the adaptations he needs for his mobility problems. He wouldn’t be safe here at all.
Wish I could be of more use.But I completely understand where you are coming from..
And so to the end of the tale, for this thread anyway. Social worker went back today, with a colleague. Chatted to mum for quite a while, concluded that she does have capacity and therefore can’t be forced into trying respite placement. Ironically, the interaction with the social worker on two consecutive days seems to have improved her mood and also led to a peaceful night last night. So now I’m thinking of ways to improve the quantity and quality of social contact she has, bearing in mind that she doesn’t like going out. Before she went into hospital in September she has daily phone calls with one or more of her sisters, and regular calls with me, but she can’t use the phone any more and I don’t think I had realised just what a big gap this leaves in her life. None of us lives close enough to visit her frequently in person but I will try turning the guilt screws on a couple of local friends who could perhaps visit for an hour once a week.
Dad seems to have perked up a bit too, I have phoned to arrange a care needs assessment for him (he is already on the list for a carers assessment). This is hopefully going to produce a direct payment contribution to the personal care element he already has privately, plus access to something social like a lunch club. None of it will be quick, I know, but at least they are both now properly on social services’ radar.
Thanks to everyone who has been offering support and suggestions on this, I’m really grateful.
Dad seems to have perked up a bit too, I have phoned to arrange a care needs assessment for him (he is already on the list for a carers assessment). This is hopefully going to produce a direct payment contribution to the personal care element he already has privately, plus access to something social like a lunch club. None of it will be quick, I know, but at least they are both now properly on social services’ radar.
Thanks to everyone who has been offering support and suggestions on this, I’m really grateful.
Oh my lovely
I’m so sorry, please make sure that you document all of the issues & worry with the SW via email.
The only way I got help for either of my PWD was to be a right pain in the bottom to them !
I have terrier tenacity at times !
Keep emailing them - ringing etc
Honestly it’s the only way - or just letting the SS know that you hold them responsible for any further incidents helps! Seriously they don’t like blame laid at their door!
Keep strong
Lovely
Xxxx
I’m so sorry, please make sure that you document all of the issues & worry with the SW via email.
The only way I got help for either of my PWD was to be a right pain in the bottom to them !
I have terrier tenacity at times !
Keep emailing them - ringing etc
Honestly it’s the only way - or just letting the SS know that you hold them responsible for any further incidents helps! Seriously they don’t like blame laid at their door!
Keep strong
Lovely
Xxxx
Thank you, @DesperateofDevon, yes I’ve already been on the phone this afternoon about assessment for Dad. I said to my husband just now, how difficult must this be for people who have perhaps had a different working life from mine, trying to keep up with all the phone numbers, different “services”, changes of personnel and so forth. I had an office based career, many years in insurance topped off with 11 years in a university research support office, ending at a reasonably high management role. The university role was particularly good preparation for my new “job” as admin manager for my parents, as trying to get academics to follow any kind of rule or timetable for submission was like herding extremely bad tempered cats - and that was on a good day! Seriously though, for many people then labyrinthine workings of social services and all their offshoots must be nigh-on impossible to handle.
You could try Age UK. They have befrienders. They can also put you in touch with various services..
Ah, that’s a good idea. A befriended might be just the thing for mum. I’ll give that a go. Thank you.
My mother-in-law had a befriending service from the Royal Voluntary Service yes I do remember though there was a bit of a waiting list
Wonder if this is available in your area.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/your-support-services/side-by-side
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/your-support-services/side-by-side
