Just a bit fed up at letting the family down - again!

[Ann Mac]

Eldest is off to Manchester, for a job interview today. I promised her a lift to the train station, this morning, but Mil has definitely gone downhill the last few days, and I am now thinking that despite there being none of the other 'usual' symptoms, she may have UTI - so instead of taking daughter to catch her train, being able to give her a hug and wish her luck as she gets on it, it looks like I am either going to have to be getting Mil ready for a GP appointment, or waiting in for the GP to phone me, to sort a prescription for AB's, and daughter is going to have to get a taxi.

Not Mils fault, obviously, but I'm losing count of how many times we have had to either say no, or cancel last minute something we have promised to do with or for the kids Last month, eldest had a lead role in a play with one of the uni theatre societies, and there was just no way we could go and see her - a 2 and a half hour drive both there and back, followed by an hour or two in a theatre, isn't something Mil could cope with, and as it was evening and weekend matinees only, no day care/respite available - so we had to tell daughter we were sorry, we couldn't come and see her in her 'starring role'.

Don't get me wrong, the kids are usually so understanding and good about all this - but I am fed up of letting them down

 

[Rathbone]

No wonder you are. So sorry. Nothing I can say will change the disappointment you must feel at missing such important times in your kid's lives. Lovely that they are understanding too. It's hateful that feeling that our lives are not our own and somehow we are being operated from behind. Be kind to yourself and always come here for a moan - you'll have lots of understanding, as you know! Smiles and hugs X

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Ann Mac

You can`t split yourselves into a million pieces when you are a full time carer but it`s so sad important family events have to be sacrificed.

Even job interviews are important family events. We all want to support our children, make life a bit more comfortable for them and enjoy their successes.

Some things cannot be planned for, like infections and last minute hitches. Other things that are on the calendar for later dates, could they be managed with a sitter for your Mil?

 

[lizzybean]

Oh Ann, of course it isn't MILs fault but it certainly isn't YOURs either! Also are you telling me you didn't give your daughter a hug & wished her the best of luck when she was leaving the house??? Of course you did! It is only geography, your house/train platform. I am not trying to trivialise the situation at all but if your daughter is anything like mine she would have been perfectly happy to get a taxi & would have told you so. (Bet you paid for it anyway!)
You are sweating the small stuff. I know missing her play wasn't small but today is. Get on with your editing anyway!

Take care

 

[Ann Mac]

Thank Rathbone x

Hi Sylvia - yep, we looked at getting one of Mils regular support workers to 'sit' with her for the play - but neither were available, and as she is needing increasing help with personal care, it would have to be someone she knows - but, we will try and do that again, if we need to.

I know Lizzy, you're right - this morning wasn't a huge thing, and daughter didn't object to the taxi (though I did lose it with her a bit, because after warning her last night, when she came downstairs this morning and I explained I couldn't take her, she told me I should have 'woken her earlier!' - I'd assumed she had set her alarm to take the possibility into account, silly me! ) - its just it seems to happen so often lately. In the last few days, Son had an hours wait for a bus home, in the rain, because Mil was in the thick of delusions and sundowning and I couldn't risk her in the car to give him his usual lift, and youngest had to walk to a mates house in a downpour. They are mostly really good, but when son came in, after 6 hours in college, then 2 strenuous hours of work experience, coaching sports, like a drowned rat, I felt awful anyway.

Waiting for the GP to ring - could be any time between now and 12, and if you miss the call, that's it - even if I gave my mobile, if he had called whilst I was driving, I couldn't have answered so I've had to stay in. Plus, poor Mil is dreadfully confused and upset, and I really don't think I could have got her to come with us, anyway. I think it must be a UTI, though she is adamant she isn't experiencing any of the usual problems she gets, like feeling she wants to go all the time or (she says) having 'little accidents'. There isn't the 'usual' strong odour either. However, I found a pair of urine soaked knickers just left on the edge of the bath tub this morning, and the agitation is approaching off the scale, so not risking it.

Lol Lizzy - the editing is out of the window today - Mil is just too troubled for me to even attempt it, unless she goes for a snooze later, in which case I might manage an hour or so. Just got about 150 images to 'fine tune', so with a few late nights/early mornings, I'm a little ahead of schedule, anyway x

 

[bilslin]

Hi Ann hope the docs rung by now. It ales you feel horrible when you have to miss out on the important things with kids but hey Ann its no ones fault. I'm sure the kids know that you are doing your best. Hope your mil settles and you can get on later. thank goodness for TP and understanding kids. Keep smiling Ann. lindax

 

[Ann Mac]

Thanks Linda - GP rang me, and decided on balance that there was a strong likelihood of UTI, and rather than wait for the results from a urine test to be sent off, he was going to prescribe ABs for her, just in case - she hasn't had AB's since January, so he feels it will do no harm. Managed to get her in the car to go pick up the AB's, and she has had the first dose - just hope if it is an infection, the meds kick in soon - we have spent most of the day with her coming to me every 5 or 10 minutes, insisting that I've been shouting her name Not sure if its an actual hallucination/delusion, or if its attention seeking - either way, will be glad when it stops !

 

[lizzybean]

Oh poor you, it doesn't get any easier does it? Hope those meds kick in soon. My Mum (ex nurse) always said if you were really bad when you got your AB?s to double the first dose. Only saying! NOT suggesting ANYBODY actually does it, no backlash please.

 

[Lindy50]

Oh poor you, it doesn't get any easier does it? Hope those meds kick in soon. My Mum (ex nurse) always said if you were really bad when you got your AB?s to double the first dose. Only saying! NOT suggesting ANYBODY actually does it, no backlash please.

Funny you should say that lizzybean My daughter used to get regular ear infections as a child, and I was advised much the same thing by her GP

Not that I'm recommending it!!!

 

[Ash148]

Hi Ann, not much use on this occasion I know but as you have long caring experience would MIL's GP be willing for you to have a course of antibiotics in stock to use when you are pretty sure like now that it must be a UTI? My son's respiratory physician okay end this approach for oral steroids for when his asthma escalated towards crisis. He felt that we were sufficiently tuned into the pattern those episodes took to know when it was appropriate and that it would avoid a wait to start treatment and then potentially the need for a hospital visit if we missed the window to avert crisis. However, I know UK doctors are much stricter about prescribing antibiotics than their Irish counterparts.

 

[Rathbone]

What was that you said about letting everybody down? That's not you, it must be some other woman! Love X

 

[Ann Mac]

Thanks guys xxxxx

I've heard about the 'double dose' of AB's too - not tried it, mind, but I may just ask the GP - and I'll ask to about keeping a script/AB's in stock, as well - good idea Ash x

Really bad night last night, sundowning for the last few months has been the 'home, home, home' and mainly tearful, rather than aggressive, but last night it was back to the severe, manic behaviour of several months ago, before we resorted to medication. A 73 year old throwing a tantrum that involves banging on windows and radiators, and singing 'La-la' at the top of her voice, because she figures if she causes enough disturbance we will 'let her go home', is no fun at nearly midnight

I am so praying that its definitely a UTI causing this - if it isn't, not sure where we go. Youngest is shattered this morning, and its just not fair.

 

[Moonflower]

Poor you - and your poor child. Is the school aware? I think schools have support for children with problems at home, and it would be awful if your child "got told off" for inattention in class when it's really not their fault that they are too tired.

To be honest, in your shoes I would be starting to think about where you go if things continue to deteriorate. It's not your MiL's fault, of course it isn't, but there is a limit to the level of behaviour you can live with and still have a normal family life for your kids.

Fingers crossed it's a UTI and the antibiotics start to work quickly

 

[Ann Mac]

Poor you - and your poor child. Is the school aware? I think schools have support for children with problems at home, and it would be awful if your child "got told off" for inattention in class when it's really not their fault that they are too tired.

To be honest, in your shoes I would be starting to think about where you go if things continue to deteriorate. It's not your MiL's fault, of course it isn't, but there is a limit to the level of behaviour you can live with and still have a normal family life for your kids.

Fingers crossed it's a UTI and the antibiotics start to work quickly

Hi Moonflower,

Yes, I spoke to the school soon after Mil moved in and made them aware of the situation - at that point, disturbed nights were a regular feature, so I had to say something.

I know - we will have to have a think about the situation if this is going to signal the start of the disruption again We - hubs and I - both feel that residential, at the stage Mil is at, because believe it or not she still has some insight and awareness, would cause her severe depression and stress, and she would really go down hill, no matter how good a CH/RH Its between a rock and a hard place time, but our kids HAVE to come first

 

[Rathbone]

You are absolutely right there. You simply have no choice and you must do what's in the best interests of your family. This devastating disease leaves us no choice in the end, so do start investigating now as it's unlikely to be easy to find somewhere. Sure it will be hard, but look what the alternative is. I am so sorry. Please lean as hard as you like this way. Loving thoughts. X Shelagh

 

[Moonflower]

Hello Ann
You never know - some people do find that their relatives are much happier than anticipated in a good care home, and you could still take her out, bring her back to your house etc etc. Could you perhaps try respite for a couple of weeks to test the water?

Given how slowly SS seem to act when someone is cared for at home, and how much pressure there seems to be on carers to keep going beyond what they can cope with, it might be worth raising the issue of what the next step will be and doing your research.

As you said, your kids have to come first, and your youngest isn't so far away from the exams-that-matter. It might be hard for your child to ask you to take action, when this would mean removing MiL from your home.

Fingers crossed for the antibiotics...

 

[Ann Mac]

You are absolutely right there. You simply have no choice and you must do what's in the best interests of your family. This devastating disease leaves us no choice in the end, so do start investigating now as it's unlikely to be easy to find somewhere. Sure it will be hard, but look what the alternative is. I am so sorry. Please lean as hard as you like this way. Loving thoughts. X Shelagh

Thank you, hun xxxx

 

[Ann Mac]

Hello Ann
You never know - some people do find that their relatives are much happier than anticipated in a good care home, and you could still take her out, bring her back to your house etc etc. Could you perhaps try respite for a couple of weeks to test the water?

Given how slowly SS seem to act when someone is cared for at home, and how much pressure there seems to be on carers to keep going beyond what they can cope with, it might be worth raising the issue of what the next step will be and doing your research.

As you said, your kids have to come first, and your youngest isn't so far away from the exams-that-matter. It might be hard for your child to ask you to take action, when this would mean removing MiL from your home.

Fingers crossed for the antibiotics...

Thanks Hun - got my fingers crossed too xxx I know a fair bit about the care homes in the area - I worked for the biggest of them, and sad to say, that adds to my reluctance. Mil will be self funding, if it comes to that, and her CPN and SW have already indicated that they will step up to the mark and help, IF it becomes necessary - just hoping it doesn't

 

[Lindy50]

Hi Ann

Just dropping in to say I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, despite all the love and attention you have poured into caring for MIL. I hope this situation turns out to be a 'blip', but if it's ongoing, I'd agree that your children and your whole family unit, have to come first.

I also wonder whether somewhere at the back of her mind, your dear MIL is aware that she can't cope with family life. Once settled, you never know, she might actually be happier in a good care home?

Good luck

Lindy xx

 

[Rathbone]

Thank you, hun xxxx

Aw thanks. Nobody's called me hun before! X