ive been away nearly a year!!

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by juniepoonie, Jun 26, 2015.

  1. juniepoonie

    juniepoonie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2013
    727
    essex
    Hello everyone ive been away a while now just getting over my sister death it will be a year end august. some off you may remember me but for those of you i havnt met heres my background. B I L diagnosed with alt/dem 5yrs ago tho has had it at least 8 years when first signs showed themselfs just after my sister mnarried pete. my sister cared for pete untill she became terminal with cancer an pete started having fits. he was moved to assesment unit from A & E from where we placed him in nursing home nearlly 2years ago. My beautiful sister died and my husband has POA health an welfair. pete has 2 grown kids one has never visited in 2years the other now an then. pete owns a large house an the kids are upset as they cant get there hands on it till pete dies its theres in the will. petes care is paid for as he was sectioned in the beginning. the kids dont except that there dad made my hubby POA, pete said he didnt want them getting there hands on it!! i visit pete weekly an he has deteriated he is in wheelchair doesnt walk at all since a fall over a year ago. talks gobbledigook but im good at that to so we chat for visits but he asks for bren(my sister daily) he has never been told of her death. as the home said it wasnt in his best interest. im finding it harder each visit i live in petes world keeping my sister alive for him telling him she laid up today with bad back cold etc etc. can i have others opinions as to whether you think i should tell him or not. staff said he would be upset then ask for her again next day.he looks at me puzzled when he says ive not seen her in a while as though he knows in a moment of clarity somethings not right. i just dont know whats right or wrong.a member of staff said last week is bren dead!! its so bloody sad but i just want whats best for pete. regards to you all Juniepoonie xxxx
     
  2. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    19,036
    Durham
    Hello Juniepoonie I remember you and the sad time when your sister was dying,

    It must be so difficult for you, it must be upsetting about his children and the fact that he keeps asking about your lovely sister, you are doing so well,

    I send you all best wishes, Jeany xx
     
  3. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    1,300
    Hi Juniepoonie,

    I have had a look at your posts from last year and remember about your dear sister. Time flies. It was a year ago that my mum died and I still come here a lot to see how everyone is getting on.

    My mum was constantly asking after dad, who had died a few years previously, before she developed dementia. So she had known about it originally. However, once the dementia took hold, she just could not understand where he was and searched for him constantly.
    One day, in a moment of apparent clarity, she wanted to know what had happened to him, saying if he had left her for an honourable reason, or died, she could accept it. But not if he had gone off with another woman. I told her and the reaction was terrible. Grief, shock, anger.

    So, I thought it was a mistake. However, she did more or less stop looking for him. So I don't know if she did understand or that her dementia simply took another turn.

    None of which helps you, does it. But Pete has been asking for a long time and hasn't forgotten your sister, so he must be wondering in some way what has happened.
    It is easier on you and the CH staff not to deliver bad news,and have to cope with the fallout, but is it fair on Pete? I don't know, but go with your gut feeling is all I can say. You know Pete well.
     
  4. juniepoonie

    juniepoonie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2013
    727
    essex
    thank you for your replies , i really dont know what to do for the best. on the one hand i think he needs to know as i dont want his mind having moe confusion an on the other i cant bear to think he would have the grief that we have had. bren visited him every day without fail even tho she was very poorly ,i think it kept her going if im honest. it was only once she was admitted to the hospice that she didnt see him anymore. her last words to me were how long havnt i seen pete for!! i promised i would look out for him . i dont know him really i dont know anything from his past as he was 55 when he met bren an bout 58when they wed an he had signs of altz then. he is 67 now. they say he is in late stage but could go on for years as hes young. weve had terrible times from his kids with threats an all sorts there so angry not to have control of his finances. there get it all when he goes we are not in will but were just looking out for him. sorry to go on but its a long time ive spoken to any one who would understand. i think i be back on forum again now. regards to you all juniepoonie xxx
     
  5. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    Hello juniepoonie and welcome back, it's nice to see you here again, although I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your poor BiL.

    I must say that from what you've said, I'm appalled at Pete's children's attitudes. What a terrible way to be.

    With regards as to what to tell Pete, I'm no expert because I haven't had to do it, but I've read on here that many people feel it's right to tell the person about the death of a loved one just once, to allow them to grieve as they would in normal circumstances, even though of course it will be very upsetting for everyone. But then afterwards, if they forget what they've been told and ask about the person, to tell 'love lies' about their whereabouts, and then use distraction techniques to move away from the subject. Probably easier said than done!

    Having said that, I honestly don't know what I'd do if my dad died and I was left with the same conundrum over what to tell my mam, who has Alzheimer's.

    I really feel for you; it's such a difficult one.
     
  6. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    3,851
    Hello juniepoonie, Welcome Back.
    How awful that Pete's sons behave the way they do.Thank goodness your husband has POA and that you visit Pete. I wish I knew what to say about telling Pete about Bren. It sounds as if Bren was a wonderful wife to Pete. I think it is a case of which is worse for him, wondering where she is or being told that she has died. Sorry I know that is no help at all.
    I hope that you will keep posting on TP.
     
  7. juniepoonie

    juniepoonie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2013
    727
    essex
    i cant say how much i appreciate your replies. this is a difficult one an thank you for your thoughts. i think i may call the help line an get there opinion on this matter of whether to tell pete or not. a carer told me he ask if bren was dead a wk or two ago. the home think its best not thats why we havnt but we are getting to nearly a year since he last saw bren an he hasnt forgotten her. he sometimes tells me shes been an im happy for him to think that i just dont what him hurt i suppose. will let you all know what i decide next week. hopeing your all coping love poonie xxxx
     

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