Is today the day I give up ?

Marmar

Registered User
Aug 21, 2015
27
Wales
Don't give up!

Thanks for everything so far.

Heres the plan so far, following what you have all so kindly taken the trouble to reply with.

I have told him I am moving him into another room .( I'm not moving as we have just bought a great new Relyon bed and I'm not giving that up ) I've told him and he said said that's fine. He said he might go out soon anyway?.

So one decision made many more to go.

I must add I don't think he will be physically abusive but all the bedroom doors lock anyway . B & B .

I really don't think he thinks I will have men in , he cant really believe that I am looking , as we have always done everything together and I still try and encourage him to come out ( not in my me time with my girlfriends ) with me as it may help him in some small way.

The marriage was fine before this AZ got a grip but now he has so little comprehension of what is going on I doubt Relate will help and it is all my fault anyway.

I do need to see a solicitor I know , and maybe Social Services but not sure about that one. CMHT are not much use.

His doctor phoned me for a chat last week so she is aware of what happening. But what can they do. He truly thinks he can manage alone and doesn't need or want me or anyone else. Care is no option at all at the moment .

I know I am at rock bottom but somehow this small step has made me feel better. A small weight lifted.

It is all so sad really as I do still love the man he was and feel desperately sorry for him.
My father has AZ and can be very aggressive, I bought myself a book "confidence to care" it has helped me deal with awkward situations, I find my father is frustrated by his situation and ashamed he has to rely on others. I can now understand they are losing control and self worth, and it seems worse for a man than a woman in the same situation. If your marriage was good before AZ then counteract negative with positive try and make your husband feel he is still a person you care about, and build his self worth,
Show you understand his situation, have your own space, but don't let him think he is losing you as well as everything else, he needs you more now, even thou he is not showing it, he could be testing you too on how much you care for him.
Try the book and go to a solicitors to sort out power of attorney and your assets, once you start sorting things you will feel more in control.
Be strong.
 

hariyaksh

Registered User
Aug 26, 2015
26
I try to be positive. I take all of the criticism, shouting , abuse and vicious verbal attack about our son being a thief and stealing something everyday he knows exactly what things have been stolen and where from . That I talk about him behind his back , that I am trying along with our son to push him out and get rid of him .( I may add here that our son doesn't live with us and he rarely calls because of his dad, I do go to his as that is lovely for me to see him and just try to get back to some sort of normal for a while) That I am trying to control his life, he knows what I am doing. He has been threatening to leave me and go his own way for years and now he is leaving me and will find another woman who will be everything I am not ( where he will find such a wonderful person I'm not sure ,but strangely I am not bothered ). I went out last night with a girl friend for a drink which we have done maybe once a month for years, today he asked me who I had "pulled " , tempting as that might seem , it has never crossed my mind . Although I think I am reasonably attractive, oddly I have never been asked ,(maybe two older women in a very nice country hotel , sitting on a two seater settee in an out of the way corner deep in conversation doesn't give off the right vibes ! ) .

My son and daughter both think I am loosing the plot as I am constantly stressed, trying to do what is right. Worryingly they may be right .

So here's the question. No sympathy please just how you would deal with it.

Is today the day I give up. Move into another bedroom Do my own thing and let him muddle on . The farm we live on is up for sale ( because he can no longer cope since our son moved out ) so when it is sold I can go and get my own place and a life . He wants to move to another county so he can get back to all his old friends, who he never sees. He is 70 this year but very physically fit if this is relevant I'm not sure..

One thing is for sure it cant carry on like this .

No he wont have help, he wont talk to anyone , he wont join any group ( not sure he could anyway ) he goes no where sits staring into space most of the day. And no he doesn't have a problem , that in his words , couldn't be solved if he got away from his family ( he adores our daughter , who lives with her fiancée 20 miles away ).

I'm not sure if you can work this out but probably ask your daughter to help you out since he adores her so much. It is the only probable way I can figure it out here, and if you have exhausted all your options then might as well try this one. If it doesn't improve the situation then atleast it won't worsen it.
Good Luck.
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Hariyaksha Had to smile at the last line. ( a good smike not a synical one )You know it can't get worse can it !! Watched two comedy programmes on TV last night although not brilliant I had a couple of lol moments ,something I've not done for years. Maybe I just feel numb and lifeless and a shadow of who I used to be ,that I actually don't care any more so can relax more.
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Just a quick update.Something strange has happened. Since my last post. OH has been delightful. No cross words, no arguments. Just almost "normal " living. He's very loving and is clearly trying to be nice. How can this happen ?
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Spoke too soon.He's not angry very composed sat down and needed to talk to me. When the house sells he will be moving to live on his own .He knows that I will continue to see our son and he doesn't want anything to do with him ( recurring theme . I know I'm his mum but I don't know anyone who doesn't warm to him some of our friends male and female adore him , he's always been very hard working saw himself through uni with just his mobile paid for by us, and has always tried to do his best for us ) He is going to find a partner who appreciates him , So I have said " "crack on ".
So you see this does keep coming up that he is leaving. He won't cope but he thinks he will. Do I just go my own way anyway.
As you can see even I am calm now as I almost feel I would be able to get on with my life .
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
If it helps, a theme with Mum at the middle stage of her dementia was that she was going to leave Dad and get a flat of her own. If Dad hadn't been devotedly looking after her and supporting her, Mum would have been in a care home; how could she know that, though? We could all sympathise with Mum's yearning to be the person she was once was.
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Your dad sounds a mu ch better person than me ,but I do see what you are saying . But he just seems so clear when he says it .
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Things have been going along fine ish.We have agreed a sale on the house, agreed a purchase of a nice house in a village. But I was awoken today by oh saying once again he wants nothing to do with our son , what have I done with the money , I bought our car without asking him just went and bought it with our son, bought an expensive gold locket without asking him , ( all these things were purchased but with him wholly involved many years ago ) . He's not signing anything until he has seen " the man " who hes spoken to on the phone !as I am giving his money away. He's not moving with me he is going back to our home county where " all his friends are ". I lost it I'm afraid , told him that's fine I will be happy to l ive on my own , I went out for the day on my own went and had a lovely lunch on my own. I am really worn out and wonder if I can cope much longer , I am drowning. What can I do ,I know its not his fault but its not mine either. He's 70 at the end of the month, I'm 57.
 

Lancashirelady

Registered User
Oct 7, 2014
110
Things have been going along fine ish.We have agreed a sale on the house, agreed a purchase of a nice house in a village. But I was awoken today by oh saying once again he wants nothing to do with our son , what have I done with the money , I bought our car without asking him just went and bought it with our son, bought an expensive gold locket without asking him , ( all these things were purchased but with him wholly involved many years ago ) . He's not signing anything until he has seen " the man " who hes spoken to on the phone !as I am giving his money away. He's not moving with me he is going back to our home county where " all his friends are ". I lost it I'm afraid , told him that's fine I will be happy to l ive on my own , I went out for the day on my own went and had a lovely lunch on my own. I am really worn out and wonder if I can cope much longer , I am drowning. What can I do ,I know its not his fault but its not mine either. He's 70 at the end of the month, I'm 57.
I really do think you need to take things to the next level. If your OH won;t go to the GP make an appointment yourself and explain how things really are. It;s time to get Social Services involved - use all the buzz words like safeguarding and vulnerable adult. And I think you need to remind yourself of this too. I know his condition is not your fault but he is not in a state to be sensible . Isolating yourself is not going to help either of you in the long term - and if all your finances are not shared you could find yourself strapped for cash before long.
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
Our finances are shared. Although he keeps saying he had all the money when I met him And keeps referring to his money . All bank accounts etc are joint and have been for the past 27 years. But if he won't sign we will loose the sale and that would be a total disaster. I may be delusional but I'm not sure he's bad enough to involve social services.
 

Lancashirelady

Registered User
Oct 7, 2014
110
Our finances are shared. Although he keeps saying he had all the money when I met him And keeps referring to his money . All bank accounts etc are joint and have been for the past 27 years. But if he won't sign we will loose the sale and that would be a total disaster. I may be delusional but I'm not sure he's bad enough to involve social services.
From what you have said I think it's plain that he is. Probably things have deteriorated over a long period and you maybe need an outsider to recognise the problems. I would start with the GP as SS tend to be overwhelmed and won't act promptly unless someone is in physical danger. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get some help x
 

exhausted 2015

Registered User
Jul 5, 2015
624
stoke on trent
I try to be positive. I take all of the criticism, shouting , abuse and vicious verbal attack about our son being a thief and stealing something everyday he knows exactly what things have been stolen and where from . That I talk about him behind his back , that I am trying along with our son to push him out and get rid of him .( I may add here that our son doesn't live with us and he rarely calls because of his dad, I do go to his as that is lovely for me to see him and just try to get back to some sort of normal for a while) That I am trying to control his life, he knows what I am doing. He has been threatening to leave me and go his own way for years and now he is leaving me and will find another woman who will be everything I am not ( where he will find such a wonderful person I'm not sure ,but strangely I am not bothered ). I went out last night with a girl friend for a drink which we have done maybe once a month for years, today he asked me who I had "pulled " , tempting as that might seem , it has never crossed my mind . Although I think I am reasonably attractive, oddly I have never been asked ,(maybe two older women in a very nice country hotel , sitting on a two seater settee in an out of the way corner deep in conversation doesn't give off the right vibes ! ) .

My son and daughter both think I am loosing the plot as I am constantly stressed, trying to do what is right. Worryingly they may be right .

So here's the question. No sympathy please just how you would deal with it.

Is today the day I give up. Move into another bedroom Do my own thing and let him muddle on . The farm we live on is up for sale ( because he can no longer cope since our son moved out ) so when it is sold I can go and get my own place and a life . He wants to move to another county so he can get back to all his old friends, who he never sees. He is 70 this year but very physically fit if this is relevant I'm not sure..

One thing is for sure it cant carry on like this .

No he wont have help, he wont talk to anyone , he wont join any group ( not sure he could anyway ) he goes no where sits staring into space most of the day. And no he doesn't have a problem , that in his words , couldn't be solved if he got away from his family ( he adores our daughter , who lives with her fiancée 20 miles away ).
Can't really offer any advice but have similar with my dad he often accusess my son his grandchild of stealing things from his room... Only to find them later
Hope that you can find a solution soon xx
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
From what you have said I think it's plain that he is. Probably things have deteriorated over a long period and you maybe need an outsider to recognise the problems. I would start with the GP as SS tend to be overwhelmed and won't act promptly unless someone is in physical danger. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get some help x
Spoke with my good friend and neighbour yesterday. She says he is much worse and I need more help and to speak to the gp. Will do that today. He has now signed though. Will sort power of attourney when the is sorted. It is getting with our solicitor.