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Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by 1mindy, Sep 1, 2015.
Don't give up!
My father has AZ and can be very aggressive, I bought myself a book "confidence to care" it has helped me deal with awkward situations, I find my father is frustrated by his situation and ashamed he has to rely on others. I can now understand they are losing control and self worth, and it seems worse for a man than a woman in the same situation. If your marriage was good before AZ then counteract negative with positive try and make your husband feel he is still a person you care about, and build his self worth,
Show you understand his situation, have your own space, but don't let him think he is losing you as well as everything else, he needs you more now, even thou he is not showing it, he could be testing you too on how much you care for him.
Try the book and go to a solicitors to sort out power of attorney and your assets, once you start sorting things you will feel more in control.
I'm not sure if you can work this out but probably ask your daughter to help you out since he adores her so much. It is the only probable way I can figure it out here, and if you have exhausted all your options then might as well try this one. If it doesn't improve the situation then atleast it won't worsen it.
Hariyaksha Had to smile at the last line. ( a good smike not a synical one )You know it can't get worse can it !! Watched two comedy programmes on TV last night although not brilliant I had a couple of lol moments ,something I've not done for years. Maybe I just feel numb and lifeless and a shadow of who I used to be ,that I actually don't care any more so can relax more.
Just a quick update.Something strange has happened. Since my last post. OH has been delightful. No cross words, no arguments. Just almost "normal " living. He's very loving and is clearly trying to be nice. How can this happen ?
It happened with my husband when his dementia progressed a little and he lost his anger, his paranoia and his fear.
I hope this period lasts for you.
Spoke too soon.He's not angry very composed sat down and needed to talk to me. When the house sells he will be moving to live on his own .He knows that I will continue to see our son and he doesn't want anything to do with him ( recurring theme . I know I'm his mum but I don't know anyone who doesn't warm to him some of our friends male and female adore him , he's always been very hard working saw himself through uni with just his mobile paid for by us, and has always tried to do his best for us ) He is going to find a partner who appreciates him , So I have said " "crack on ".
So you see this does keep coming up that he is leaving. He won't cope but he thinks he will. Do I just go my own way anyway.
As you can see even I am calm now as I almost feel I would be able to get on with my life .
If it helps, a theme with Mum at the middle stage of her dementia was that she was going to leave Dad and get a flat of her own. If Dad hadn't been devotedly looking after her and supporting her, Mum would have been in a care home; how could she know that, though? We could all sympathise with Mum's yearning to be the person she was once was.
Your dad sounds a mu ch better person than me ,but I do see what you are saying . But he just seems so clear when he says it .
Things have been going along fine ish.We have agreed a sale on the house, agreed a purchase of a nice house in a village. But I was awoken today by oh saying once again he wants nothing to do with our son , what have I done with the money , I bought our car without asking him just went and bought it with our son, bought an expensive gold locket without asking him , ( all these things were purchased but with him wholly involved many years ago ) . He's not signing anything until he has seen " the man " who hes spoken to on the phone !as I am giving his money away. He's not moving with me he is going back to our home county where " all his friends are ". I lost it I'm afraid , told him that's fine I will be happy to l ive on my own , I went out for the day on my own went and had a lovely lunch on my own. I am really worn out and wonder if I can cope much longer , I am drowning. What can I do ,I know its not his fault but its not mine either. He's 70 at the end of the month, I'm 57.
I really do think you need to take things to the next level. If your OH won;t go to the GP make an appointment yourself and explain how things really are. It;s time to get Social Services involved - use all the buzz words like safeguarding and vulnerable adult. And I think you need to remind yourself of this too. I know his condition is not your fault but he is not in a state to be sensible . Isolating yourself is not going to help either of you in the long term - and if all your finances are not shared you could find yourself strapped for cash before long.
Our finances are shared. Although he keeps saying he had all the money when I met him And keeps referring to his money . All bank accounts etc are joint and have been for the past 27 years. But if he won't sign we will loose the sale and that would be a total disaster. I may be delusional but I'm not sure he's bad enough to involve social services.
From what you have said I think it's plain that he is. Probably things have deteriorated over a long period and you maybe need an outsider to recognise the problems. I would start with the GP as SS tend to be overwhelmed and won't act promptly unless someone is in physical danger. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get some help x
Can't really offer any advice but have similar with my dad he often accusess my son his grandchild of stealing things from his room... Only to find them later
Hope that you can find a solution soon xx
Spoke with my good friend and neighbour yesterday. She says he is much worse and I need more help and to speak to the gp. Will do that today. He has now signed though. Will sort power of attourney when the is sorted. It is getting with our solicitor.