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Is today the day I give up ?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by 1mindy, Sep 1, 2015.

  1. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    I try to be positive. I take all of the criticism, shouting , abuse and vicious verbal attack about our son being a thief and stealing something everyday he knows exactly what things have been stolen and where from . That I talk about him behind his back , that I am trying along with our son to push him out and get rid of him .( I may add here that our son doesn't live with us and he rarely calls because of his dad, I do go to his as that is lovely for me to see him and just try to get back to some sort of normal for a while) That I am trying to control his life, he knows what I am doing. He has been threatening to leave me and go his own way for years and now he is leaving me and will find another woman who will be everything I am not ( where he will find such a wonderful person I'm not sure ,but strangely I am not bothered ). I went out last night with a girl friend for a drink which we have done maybe once a month for years, today he asked me who I had "pulled " , tempting as that might seem , it has never crossed my mind . Although I think I am reasonably attractive, oddly I have never been asked ,(maybe two older women in a very nice country hotel , sitting on a two seater settee in an out of the way corner deep in conversation doesn't give off the right vibes ! ) .

    My son and daughter both think I am loosing the plot as I am constantly stressed, trying to do what is right. Worryingly they may be right .

    So here's the question. No sympathy please just how you would deal with it.

    Is today the day I give up. Move into another bedroom Do my own thing and let him muddle on . The farm we live on is up for sale ( because he can no longer cope since our son moved out ) so when it is sold I can go and get my own place and a life . He wants to move to another county so he can get back to all his old friends, who he never sees. He is 70 this year but very physically fit if this is relevant I'm not sure..

    One thing is for sure it cant carry on like this .

    No he wont have help, he wont talk to anyone , he wont join any group ( not sure he could anyway ) he goes no where sits staring into space most of the day. And no he doesn't have a problem , that in his words , couldn't be solved if he got away from his family ( he adores our daughter , who lives with her fiancée 20 miles away ).
     
  2. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    Hello mindy1 :)

    I'm sorry I have to rush ( to mum's) but I could not read and run. It seems to me that no, things can't go on like this. Your situation is untenable, no-one could continue in this way.

    So, today may be the day you start to organise care for your husband. Get the GP involved if they aren't already.

    Maybe move to another room.....I would have already!

    Sorry I have to go, but sending you (((hugs))) and hope you are able to sort something out.

    Lindy xx
     
  3. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    1mindy I think you have taken enough abuse by the sound of it. I would have moved in to another room long ago, but if you do this please please make sure you are safe, take a phone in with you and make sure you have an exit, so maybe a ground floor room? and a lock on the door. I don't wish to sound alarmist but a change such as this may tip the balance. Of course it may make things loads better, I am perhaps being ridiculously wary.
    Good luck - get an appointment with a solicitor.
     
  4. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    Hi Mindy
    You're not in a very good place at the moment. Personally I'd contact social Services and ask for an assessment whether he likes it or not, don't tell him until they about to arrive. I'd do that in case you sell the farm and decide you're going to go your own way, if he's on their radar them you can hand the problem over to them.
    If things in your relationship weren't too great before then AZ only makes it worse and the only real exit strategy I can see is you get the SS involved as it sounds like he'll need help if you do go. You could try Relate (used to be Marriage Guidance) but with the AZ I'm not sure, it might be worth a try.
    You did say "No sympathy please" so that's all I'll say, other than I'd chat up any "reasonably attractive" woman sat in a country hotel:)
    K
     
  5. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
    I agree a move of rooms may tip the level of paranoia. It may been seen as proof you are bringing men back to his house. Etc.

    I would book a Dr appointment with HIS Dr. He can't tell you anything but you can tell him how things are.

    Doesn't have a mental health team as it might be a good idea to talk to them if only to tell them you at breaking point.

    By the way I think the constant stream from your OH might be viewed as mental abuse if he didn't have a diagnosis.
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,569
    Female
    South coast
    I think that today is the day that it has hit you that you are a carer rather than a wife and mentally taken a step backwards. From the sound of it, without you he would be in a care home.
    Try acting from that position of being a carer and organise things to help you. He will complain - but then he does anyway. If that means moving into the spare bedroom, or even moving out of the house, then fine. Although, if he able to do so little then you should contact SS to inform them if you decide to move out.
    Actually I think you should contact someone about his aggression to see if there is any medication that could help.
     
  7. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,826
    UK
    I love that you have asked a direct question and my answer is: now is the time to make arrangements to go your separate ways and if its possible in your farm house, have 2 rooms for yourself with locks, maybe on the ground floor and as far away as possible from main bedroom. Then start talking to gp, Local Authority/mental health team. You have had enough and that this is effecting the relationship with your son is just wrong. Selling a property can take time and I think you need to have some kind of separation within the home. Of course you will still be able to keep an eye on things and deal with any emergencies that may arise, but now is the time, take care, good luck and keep posting.
     
  8. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Thanks for everything so far.

    Heres the plan so far, following what you have all so kindly taken the trouble to reply with.

    I have told him I am moving him into another room .( I'm not moving as we have just bought a great new Relyon bed and I'm not giving that up ) I've told him and he said said that's fine. He said he might go out soon anyway?.

    So one decision made many more to go.

    I must add I don't think he will be physically abusive but all the bedroom doors lock anyway . B & B .

    I really don't think he thinks I will have men in , he cant really believe that I am looking , as we have always done everything together and I still try and encourage him to come out ( not in my me time with my girlfriends ) with me as it may help him in some small way.

    The marriage was fine before this AZ got a grip but now he has so little comprehension of what is going on I doubt Relate will help and it is all my fault anyway.

    I do need to see a solicitor I know , and maybe Social Services but not sure about that one. CMHT are not much use.

    His doctor phoned me for a chat last week so she is aware of what happening. But what can they do. He truly thinks he can manage alone and doesn't need or want me or anyone else. Care is no option at all at the moment .

    I know I am at rock bottom but somehow this small step has made me feel better. A small weight lifted.

    It is all so sad really as I do still love the man he was and feel desperately sorry for him.
     
  9. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Just read Tins post . You know I think you are right , such a Hugh decision after 30 years and with him being so ill . Just one more thing to consider.

    Thanks
     
  10. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    775
    Please take legal advice sooner rather than later
    You need to protect your financial position when the farm is sold
    And maybe start a file, keeping your own copy of any key documents
     
  11. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    It really does help to have a plan. You've taken the first step and you can cross that off. You can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. No sense in two people's lives being ruined by this horrible disease and you clearly consider that to be the case. No need to feel guilt - we aren't all willing to sacrifice our own lives for this disease which creates such misery and despair. Some want to and more power to them but for others it's not an option.

    Thankfully we live in countries where care options are available. Find out what further steps need to be added to your list and work your way methodically through those steps. My plan for my mother sustained me through the 9 long months it took to achieve a satisfactory outcome.

    Best wishes :)
     
  12. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,604
    West Midlands
    Separate rooms make sure you have a phone always available "just in case" and a lock on your door.

    Separate finances - I'm guessing it's out of the question to sort out lasting power of attorney, so you need to protect yourself financially by arranging the finances between you both. Be careful how it's done, so it doesn't come back to bite you. Possibly contact cab for advice.

    Keep your chins up. You are going through a really brown stuff time, but you have support and understanding here xxxxx

    Edited to add: I don't see it as giving up, I see it as doing your best to ensure both of you are safe x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  13. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,534
    North East England
    I think that it all depends on whether the love you have for the man he was is enough to sustain you whilst living with the man he is now. There will lie your answer.

    With love and best wishes for whatever you decide to do x
     
  14. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    all I can do is hugg
     
  15. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    It isn't your fault it's the fault of AZ, DNA, plaques tangles or whatever the cause is but the one thing in life is it's not your fault don't even think like that.
    I got seriously shouty there and I'm sorry blame anyone/thing you want but it's not your fault, unless your God in which case I apologise (even though I don't believe you exist so don't strike me down:eek:) you're the victim here not the cause.
    K
     
  16. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    . But it is so hard. It is not his fault either and I am handling this all so very badly. I'm in another bedroom now but am worried about how he is feeling . I went out again tonight with another girl friend for a meal. One that I never go out with but she suggested it at 5.30 when I went round for a rant . Another nice country hotel which Ive not been to for 30 years last time was when we. Were "courting"Left home at 7.00 .Told him I was going and he needs to sort his own food out. Got back around 9.30, he was sitting in the lounge and asked me when the children were coming and when was the food coming.I told him that apparently. I left him and came to bed no discussion as today I just can't deal with it. Doubt he has eaten .

    Not sure how I feel .I should feel guilty, but I'm not sure I do . I know I feel selfish as before this started we did everything together and I have only nurtured my girlfriends since , and they are a great group. He doesn't have that luxury as he has no friends and can't / won't make new ones.

    It's not his fault .
     
  17. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    No, it's not his fault, Mindy, and it's not your fault either.

    You are both victims of the disease, but you are the only one capable of making changes.
    Kevin's advice sounds right to me -- see a solicitor and contact Social Services.
    You don't have to stay and care for him if you don't feel able to, but he does need support from somewhere -- he is the primary victim here, unable to escape from the dementia.

    Please get some help, for both your sakes.
     
  18. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Seeing a solicitor next week but even the thought of it is getting me emotional but I need to know where we both would stand if I left.

    He is just back to his normal today no mention of sleeping alone, me going out,just general strange conversations and offers to help with what ever I am doing .

    Following the replies of yesterday for which I am grateful ,I think I can now try and find out what I am to do for our future. If I have the information it will be a start.

    Thanks again..
     
  19. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,534
    North East England
    1mindy I can't think what to say but I just feel like I want to put my arms around you and hold you tight. Your heartache just oozes from your posts. Wish I could offer more than words xx
     
  20. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Rather than think of a definite split why not just stay away in a friends, sons or motel for say two days and see how he copes. You no he won't but as he's so insistent then let him prove it to you. Of course, you could arrange a neighbour to just pop in on the off chance and see how he's doing but on the pretence of wanting to see you.

    That way no big decision , he may then agree to help even just once a day to start off with. Or as you go out with your friends , if day care could be arranged, maybe tell him you've arranged for him to go out with his friends as its only fair.

    I would leave a charged mobile phone in a bedroom door turned off, just in case you need it at anytime, as we don't always remember to keep them close.

    Even a GP visit arranged on the day you are away may help. He doesn't have to know you are close by, just tell him a little white lie about a sick friend?
     

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