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Incontinent aids dad tried everything at wits end advice please

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
TRY THE QUILTED ONE PIECE INCONTINENCE PANTS [TENNER STYLE], PLENTY OF UNBRANDED LESS EXPENSIVE PRODUCTS AVAILABLE. THE PRESCRIPTION INSERTS CAN BE USED INSIDE FOR EXTRA PROTECTION. THESE ARE ALL THROW AWAY, SAVES WASHING. TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS ARE COMFORTABLE AND VERY PRACTICAL. I BUY SOME OF MY CLOTHES [PRELOVED] FROM A CHARITY SHOP, SOME ARE EVEN NEW WITH LABELS BUT SAVES MONEY. THE PROCEEDS HELP THE CHARITY. ENSURE BEDS ARE PROTECTED, BLUE PLASTIC TARPORLINGS ARE WATERPROOF TO PROTECT THE MATRESS [CHEAP= I.E. POUNDLAND]. WE HAVE USED FOAM STYLE PET BEDS [ONTOP] WITH PUPPY TRAINING PADS AS THEY ARE CHEAPER. THE FORMER WASH WELL AND THE LATTER ARE THROW AWAY. WE EVEN USE BLACK DOGGY BAGS TO PUT USED PADS IN. SOME READERS MAY BE TUTTING BUT THIS PROBLEM CAN BE MANAGED AND YOU CAN DO IT ON A BUDGET. REMEMBER THE 5 P'S PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE. BEST WISHES.
Thanks for the advice 👍
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
@deepetshopboy I've been where you are with my dad and, even though he wasn't aggressive, he was uncooperative and it was impossible to keep him clean and safe and keep his bungalow clean. I think we tend to forget that someone with dementia is seriously ill. It beggars belief that we are left to cope with such a serious illness on our own. It wouldn't happen with any other illness. You've done your best and it's time for the professionals to step up. Carehomes aren't all bad. My dad was better in his than I could have kept him at home.

You can still look after your dad - by making sure the carehome is right for him and do their best for him. Don't feel you've failed him. Sometimes the best thing to do is accept help from others.
Thanks yes problem is he wont be self funding he’s saving are below the threshold so hes at the mercy of ss or if he’s lucky he might get nhs funding not enough homes in area etc i wont get a say in it or were he goes by the way they are talking at these meeting they are having suggested home with no garden in rubbish area with appalling reviews as there’s vacancies ☹️Only 2 homes in area
Its really frustrating as ive literally tryed every thing bar cut my arm off and i feel if i had more support i. Getting the right meds in terms of hes behaviour id be able to manage better im also not getting much sleep i know its not a miracle solution but it would help it makes me upset when people can get and try all different tabs for their lo and hes dr wont give nothing without memory clinc feel like im banging my head on a brick wall nobody’s listening hes not even got a sw no more its been problem after problem 😒ove had to do everything
 

AwayWithTheFairies

Registered User
Apr 21, 2021
141
0
Sorry. But maybe he won’t really care about the garden etc, a lot of people seem to say that sort of thing is not really what’s important. He might even improve with more hands on deck so to speak. Reviews have to be taken with a pinch of salt, people with a grudge are more likely to make a bad review than anyone a good review. Plus places change as the staff and situation changes. I’m just trying to help you see some possible good sides to a situation that you can’t really do anything more about. You have done all you can, and more!
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,610
0
West Hertfordshire
I think you have tried your best, time to move him on, let somone paid to manage him get on and do so.

Sounds like he'll probably need a mental heath unit, rather than a nursing home- it rare that choices are availible.
get him where he is safe & looked after and enjoy the years you have left with him
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,259
0
South coast
I think @AwayWithTheFairies is right about the lack of a garden probably not meaning much to someone with dementia.
My mum pre-dementia loved her garden, tended it and it looked beutiful. When dementia arrived she started to neglect it and by the time she moved into her care home she just wasnt interested in the garden and didnt even want to go and sit out in it. I noticed that none of the other residents did either.
I also wouldnt worry about the neighbourhood. I doubt that where it is situated will make any difference - its not like the neighbours are likely to pop in for a cuppa!

No place is perfect, but at least there will be a whole team of people looking after him round the clock.
You cant go on as you are, but a care home is probably the only solution; medication cant improve things and he cannot improve himself. Its easy to think "if only............ then I could cope", but its not going to happen, is it?
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
Sorry. But maybe he won’t really care about the garden etc, a lot of people seem to say that sort of thing is not really what’s important. He might even improve with more hands on deck so to speak. Reviews have to be taken with a pinch of salt, people with a grudge are more likely to make a bad review than anyone a good review. Plus places change as the staff and situation changes. I’m just trying to help you see some possible good sides to a situation that you can’t really do anything more about. You have done all you can, and more!
My dad walks 2 miles a day hes very mobile we both like fresh air
If he goes anywere ill be trying to visit each day id like at least to sit in a garden for a while in the summer with him
Hes not fully riddled with dementia is quite aware still has good and bad days
Homes are not meant to be prisons and even prisoners get exercise !
Everybody is different as is the dementia that effects them obviously if my dad was bedbound or not a big outdoor type it wouldn’t be a problem
As for the home it across the rd from me were i lived so i know it quite well im sure theres good and bad but i also did ring to enquire about looking around it as gp is pushing the idea of him going in there (not sure now why gp suddenly gets to decide were he goes ),but anyway
Receptionist was rude in back-round and said why does she want to look round ? Other receptionist stuck for me and said well if it was my parent i would so i thought it was all small minded n rude of other receptionist
 
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jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,594
0
Southampton
i think the best home is the one who can care for all his needs first. as he is going to get worse, it would help that they cater for all of his life so he only has to move once. garden will be nice in the summer to sit out but he may stop going in the garden. i know it is a lot of responsibility in making decisions about where and what care you would like to have for your dad, try and see all aspects of the home, activities, menus and how they cater for special diets and whether they centre care around the person or if the person has to fit in with them. the other thing would be see it from dementias point of view rather than your needs. eg. you may like a posh hotel to live in but your dad may not need that but care is more important. im not trying to be awkward but give you all different things to look at and maybe a bit more hopeful that your dad can have a quality of life if he has to move to a home.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,525
0
My mother in law was always making sure her garden looked immaculate, but once in her care home, she quickly forgot about it. I agree with other posters, it's about looking at the whole picture. The fact that the area may be less than satisfactory, isn't going to be relevant if your dad's needs are being met.
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
i think the best home is the one who can care for all his needs first. as he is going to get worse, it would help that they cater for all of his life so he only has to move once. garden will be nice in the summer to sit out but he may stop going in the garden. i know it is a lot of responsibility in making decisions about where and what care you would like to have for your dad, try and see all aspects of the home, activities, menus and how they cater for special diets and whether they centre care around the person or if the person has to fit in with them. the other thing would be see it from dementias point of view rather than your needs. eg. you may like a posh hotel to live in but your dad may not need that but care is more important. im not trying to be awkward but give you all different things to look at and maybe a bit more hopeful that your dad can have a quality of life if he has to move to a home.
Thanks @jennifer1967 thats what im looking at the whole picture but i seem to not have a say in it the mental health nurse is more helpful and saod could get the other nurse to see if there’s other places and suggested i might need to top up but i only have 6 k savings unless i can use hes savings
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,075
0
I'd try not to go down the top-up route if you can help it @deepetshopboy , costs can rocket. As for the home, I think although gardens etc would be nice, I think you need somewhere that can manage his complex behaviour and also cope with his medical needs which also sound pretty complex. The place might not be in the nicest area or have a garden but as long as they can meet his needs that is the most important thing.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,366
0
Yorkshire
I agree with canary @deepetshopboy .... don't even consider third party top-up, the costs only increase and you need your savings for your own life

top-ups can't be paid by the person themselves ... they must be paid by a third party eg family or friend
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,610
0
West Hertfordshire
depending on his behaviour, he may, once he is there, be subject to a DOLS order. That wont stop you taking him out, but will stop him going out on his own.

They may well be able to reason with him over toileting issue, and better manage his nutrition

its hard, but might be the best thing that could happen for you both, No, you probably wont get choices of placement- first and foremost it needs to meet his needs . You say he can be aggressive at times- that needs managing and may not be manageable in many places
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
I'd try not to go down the top-up route if you can help it @deepetshopboy , costs can rocket. As for the home, I think although gardens etc would be nice, I think you need somewhere that can manage his complex behaviour and also cope with his medical needs which also sound pretty complex. The place might not be in the nicest area or have a garden but as long as they can meet his needs that is the most important thing.
I have enquired about nhs funding but they are not sure he fits the criteria but i have checked the checlist he seems to fit the description of funding the nurse has agreed that he would have more of a choice if he got the funding as ss will only fund a smaller amount the whole thing is a complex mine field
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,610
0
West Hertfordshire
If you mean CHC funding - which is very hard to get and you say ''he's not that bad ''anyway- you wont get much more choice- not all homes take CHC funding.

from the way you describe him, scores 3B's?

You need

  • Two As or
  • Five Bs or
  • One A and four Bs or
  • One A
 
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Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,523
0
High Peak
I'd say give the new home a chance even if you haven't had a look around first. It will either work for your dad or it won't and you'll soon know! Bear in mind that homes change over time - a few good staff leaving or a new manager coming in can make a huge difference. It's a bit like when your kids are in school - one year it might be good but another year it can be completely different. You just have to keep a close eye on things and work within the system.

Having said that, the fact that your father normally walks a couple of miles a day is significant and I think you are right to want this to continue for his well being. The home may not have garden but if you'e intending to visit often, is there somewhere nearby you could take him for a walk? If not I think you're right to object to this placement. SS may have the final say as they are funding but they do have to take such things into consideration.

Good luck - it will be a big change for you.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,987
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
TRY THE QUILTED ONE PIECE INCONTINENCE PANTS [TENNER STYLE], PLENTY OF UNBRANDED LESS EXPENSIVE PRODUCTS AVAILABLE. THE PRESCRIPTION INSERTS CAN BE USED INSIDE FOR EXTRA PROTECTION. THESE ARE ALL THROW AWAY, SAVES WASHING. TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS ARE COMFORTABLE AND VERY PRACTICAL. I BUY SOME OF MY CLOTHES [PRELOVED] FROM A CHARITY SHOP, SOME ARE EVEN NEW WITH LABELS BUT SAVES MONEY. THE PROCEEDS HELP THE CHARITY. ENSURE BEDS ARE PROTECTED, BLUE PLASTIC TARPORLINGS ARE WATERPROOF TO PROTECT THE MATRESS [CHEAP= I.E. POUNDLAND]. WE HAVE USED FOAM STYLE PET BEDS [ONTOP] WITH PUPPY TRAINING PADS AS THEY ARE CHEAPER. THE FORMER WASH WELL AND THE LATTER ARE THROW AWAY. WE EVEN USE BLACK DOGGY BAGS TO PUT USED PADS IN. SOME READERS MAY BE TUTTING BUT THIS PROBLEM CAN BE MANAGED AND YOU CAN DO IT ON A BUDGET. REMEMBER THE 5 P'S PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE. BEST WISHES.
Welcome to DTP @TOMMY47 and great first post advice, should save a few bob.
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
I'd say give the new home a chance even if you haven't had a look around first. It will either work for your dad or it won't and you'll soon know! Bear in mind that homes change over time - a few good staff leaving or a new manager coming in can make a huge difference. It's a bit like when your kids are in school - one year it might be good but another year it can be completely different. You just have to keep a close eye on things and work within the system.

Having said that, the fact that your father normally walks a couple of miles a day is significant and I think you are right to want this to continue for his well being. The home may not have garden but if you'e intending to visit often, is there somewhere nearby you could take him for a walk? If not I think you're right to object to this placement. SS may have the final say as they are funding but they do have to take such things into consideration.

Good luck - it will be a big change for you.
No the areas full of drug addicts and very run down full of estates etc i know as i say i live across the rd from it theres no cafes id like to take him to in the area I wouldn’t like to walk him around there or sit in the park adjacent to the home aa again its full of dog poo drinkers /drug dealers and gangs
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,523
0
High Peak
No the areas full of drug addicts and very run down full of estates etc i know as i say i live across the rd from it theres no cafes id like to take him to in the area I wouldn’t like to walk him around there or sit in the park adjacent to the home aa again its full of dog poo drinkers /drug dealers and gangs
Then you really need to raise this with the social worker or whoever is sorting out the placement. Its really not fair that someone who is used to walking a couple of miles every day will be prevented from doing so or won't be safe to do so.
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
Then you really need to raise this with the social worker or whoever is sorting out the placement. Its really not fair that someone who is used to walking a couple of miles every day will be prevented from doing so or won't be safe to do so.
Exactly thats what i said again nobody is listening
Very frustrating
Its not in the bag that he's definitely going there but knowing that there is nowere else except another place ie council home in the borough i know they will be keen to get him in that one
save them time hassle and money
On top of that my dad is very ill with ulcers /and hernia possibly cancer to make this situation a utter nightmare
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
496
0
Then you really need to raise this with the social worker or whoever is sorting out the placement. Its really not fair that someone who is used to walking a couple of miles every day will be prevented from doing so or won't be safe to
They also want him there cos i live ‘in area but ill be moving anyway
 

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