I'm watching my dad slowly kill himself

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by CollegeGirl, Nov 25, 2015.

  1. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I've posted about this before and know there is no solution. I've tried every approach that has been suggested before.

    Dad is on his last legs looking after my mam. He says he'll consider respite - then decides against it. He says he'll consider extra carer visits - and then decides against them. He refuses to consider letting her live in a home, full stop, whilst at the same time saying he knows it'll have to happen eventually (it never will).

    My husband is sick of me talking about it because we just go round in circles, banging our heads against a brick wall as we go. He says I have to just let him get on with it.

    But it feels like watching him kill himself is also killing me :( and it's very, very hard.

    Sorry for the moan but needed to get it off my chest.
     
  2. Haylett

    Haylett Registered User

    Feb 4, 2011
    1,145
    Hear you, CG.
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,695
    Female
    Dundee
    It's so hard CG. Wishing you strength. x
     
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    #4 CollegeGirl, Nov 25, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015
    I can't change his mind, and the arguments he has against taking the actions above are perfectly valid ones that I can understand.

    I have to find a way in my heart and mind of accepting his decisions. This is what I struggle with, because I feel as though I'm losing both of them, and want to fight to keep the one that is still 'with' me.

    How do I achieve this acceptance?
     
  5. geniemax

    geniemax Registered User

    Oct 30, 2015
    27
    Hi there sorry to read that your going round in circles it must be very hard for all of you and whist worrying about everyone there are also your feelings and wellbeing that suffers I hope you manage to have a possibility to step away slightly from the circle and give yourself some time out for you and then maybe some time out with just your dad and again just you and hubby breaking routine and being you because you are worth it
     
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    #6 CollegeGirl, Nov 25, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015
    Thank you all.

    The bitter end, I believe, will be the death of my dad, even though it's my poor mam who has the illness.

    I have actually stepped back, in the interests of selfish self preservation, because like most of us I have other responsibilities, worries and concerns, a life of my own to lead, and as horrible as it sounds, it simply can't be all about my mam, even though I love them both very much.

    But it shouldn't be like this. My heart goes out to every one of us dealing in any way with this vile illness.

    xx
     
  7. Candlelight 67

    Candlelight 67 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2013
    167
    West Sussex
    I am so sorry to hear this. You can only suggest things to your Dad. And just being around and there for them both. I am sure someone will be able to offer you good advice.

    I hope you feel better after writing it down. It does help.

    Candlelight 67
     
  8. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    499
    Scotland
    Dear College Girl

    "Dad is on his last legs looking after my mam. He says he'll consider respite - then decides against it. He says he'll consider extra carer visits - and then decides against them. He refuses to consider letting her live in a home, full stop, whilst at the same time saying he knows it'll have to happen eventually (it never will)."

    That is a pretty good summary of how it is for me as I look after my hubby. Your parents are blessed to have you so concerned for them. I say that because I am sure we are not alone in that our family are not really interested in how things are at home - so it's a struggle for me.

    Like your dad I also think about extra care but don't follow it through (we have a care worker in the morning for half hour). OH is housebound with physical ailments in addition to vascular dementia so going to day care is not an option. The level of care hubby requires has crept up gradually over the years. When I have thought of respite, the feeling I have is that if I once tasted life for a week or two without the caring role I don't know if I could then revert to caring again. Could your dad maybe feel a bit like that?

    You are not moaning CG - it certainly is very hard xx
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,641
    Kent
    There is no way your dad will be happy CG, with or without your mum , so however hurtful it is to you , you can only let him continue to do it his way.

    This has been going on for so long and I believe you have tried everything possible to help him but he refuses the help you offer. I'm sure he needs to do it this way however painful it is for you.
     
  10. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Thank you Lilac Blossom. I'm so sorry that you are in this position.

    Can I ask, if you don't mind, why you don't follow up organising extra care in your home? For dad, he says 'how would you like it if someone was coming into your house every night?' and I can't argue with that because it can't be nice, but I feel that if it helps with mam's behaviour (and it does) then it's the lesser of two evils.

    Sylvia - I must find a way of accepting it, but if I'm being brutally honest, it hurts me that he's prepared to see me suffer. And that sounds very childish and petulant of me, but it's the truth. Why can't he do it for me?
     
  11. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    He can't do it for you because his focus is on his wife who he vowed to cherish til death do us part.
     
  12. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    #12 CollegeGirl, Nov 25, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015
    And I don't feature at all? It makes me sad that he can't see how much I'm hurting, or if he can, that he won't consider a bit of respite or extra carers to lessen my worry a bit.
     
  13. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    yes you do hun xxx it is just that he sees you as being able to 'look after yourself' and you Mam as being vulnerable and needing protection. It doesn't mean at all that he doesn't love and value you, of course he does and it must be breaking his heart too. My bet is that he is staying 'stubborn' because that is what is glueing him together right now. He loves you both but his care has to go to the one who needs him most right now........remember those old marriage vows!!!! take care of yourself and give yourself some time to find some peace and acceptance hard though it is. Thinking of you xxxx
     
  14. Mulberry50

    Mulberry50 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2015
    10
    Maidenhead, Berks
    Dear College Girl

    Your support for your father is fantastic, you have my congratulations, and I would urge you to continue to the best of your ability and to ensure that your father knows that you are there when he needs you. I hope that my daughters are as supportive to me, in due course, as you clearly are to your father. (I’m sure they will be but I have a SIL with a big C at the moment so much of our efforts are currently elsewhere)

    His refusal to have assistance overnight may due to a fear of the unknown and, without trying it, not knowing who this person in the house would be. Perhaps a trial for a night or two with someone who he had met and then felt comfortable with might ‘break the ice’.

    You can only try your best but at the end of the day, if your father refuses, then your conscious should be clear even though that might be hard to accept.

    Wishing you well
     
  15. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    Of course you feature but you are able to look after yourself & your mum can't so he's focusing on her.
     
  16. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Thank you. I may have come across in this thread as a naughty child stamping her foot. That's not my intention.

    I just don't know how much longer I can listen. I've been listening for five years and it's wearing me down. I'm not that capable, emotionally, of looking after myself. I'm a mess.

    I feel so very sorry for him, but unfortunately I'm starting to feel sorry for myself too :eek:.
     
  17. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    499
    Scotland
    When hubby was coming home from hospital it was arranged that he would have carer in morning and also evening. However the evening carer visit time varied between 7 pm to 10 pm - we never knew when or who was coming so hubby's bedtime was too erratic - it was not great for him and I felt it was not helpful to me either - so after six weeks I asked for the evening visits to be discontinued.

    I'm sorry that you feel so sad and hurt CG - I think your dad is so caught up in caring for mum that it is taking all he has got to (just about) cope. I know from my own experience that caring for hubby has swallowed up my whole life so, if I think about it, I expect family to understand that I have nothing in reserve.

    Bless you for being so concerned for your folks - believe me, you are special xx
     
  18. Dazmum

    Dazmum Registered User

    And you have your husband to look after you too CG, which he does so well, and your dad knows that. He has made this decision and no one can change his mind, as you know. I is such a shame that he won't have carers in just the once a day to give him a short breather, but I expect he thinks that he knows exactly how to get your mam to cooperate and no one else will do it as well. I remember feeling very irritated when my mum first went into her nursing home, that they didn't do things my way for my mum, but of course they couldn't, and it took me a long while to accept it. (Sometimes I still don't, as you know) I understand to some extent why your dad feels this way, but I also fully understand your being upset, especially as an only child. There is, I'm afraid no answer for you, but I understand your fears for your dear dad. Hugs xxxx
     
  19. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I'm sorry that didn't work out for you, Lilac Blossom. After many hiccups, mam and dad are now in the more fortunate position of having mainly the same people, from a small pool, coming each time, and at a set time on the evening. However, they only come three times a week, so it might not be the same people if they had to come more often.

    I think you're right that looking after mam is all-consuming. That's why I'd like him to consider more help :rolleyes:.

    Thank you for saying I'm special, but I don't deserve that accolade I'm afraid.
     
  20. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Thanks Jennie. The thing is, mam behaves much better when the carers are there! She actually sits down and 'talks' to them, and with the help of the lorazepam that dad has given her before they arrive, they manage to get her in the shower. When they leave, this improved behaviour continues for a while.

    I thought that maybe the carers could come more often, not to do any more personal care, but just to sit and chat and give dad extra breaks from the difficult behaviour.

    But it's not to be :(
     

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