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I'm watching my dad slowly kill himself

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
would your Dad not consider having a sitter in so that he could go out for a couple of hours or a carers assessment where someone else would tell him he needed a break or a carers cafe? I'm sure you have tried everything but.........

BTW I don't think you come across as stamping your foot at all, I think you sound emotionally exhausted - probably one of the most difficult types of exhaustion and I wish I could hold your hand and help you through - instead have a virtual hug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
I'm massively proud of him, he's my hero. What you did for your dad at such a young age was amazing kassy.

Fizzie, dad won't consider anything else over and above what he already has, unfortunately.
 

sleepless

Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
3,223
The Sweet North
Thanks Jennie. The thing is, mam behaves much better when the carers are there! She actually sits down and 'talks' to them, and with the help of the lorazepam that dad has given her before they arrive, they manage to get her in the shower. When they leave, this improved behaviour continues for aa while.:(
I have been on TP for long enough to know just how hard you have tried to help your parents, CG, and can 'hear' in your posts just how mentally exhausted you are.

Reading your posts tonight I really sympathise with you -- I have no doubt of your Dad's devotion to your Mum, but he is not behaving in her best interest or his by restricting carer visits. You know the benefit to your Mum, and it must be so frustrating for you to see him stubbornly refusing something that benefits your Mum, and would benefit your dad if he would only 'let down the drawbridge'.

I am managing without carers up to now, but I am only 61and am in good health. Recent enquiries drew a blank anyway, but I do have an eye to the future, and despite being a private sort of person myself, I hope I will never put my feelings before my husband's best interest.

I really feel for you, but can see nothing changing unless or until a crisis occurs. So hard to accept though.
Take care of yourself. xx
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,288
Merseyside
Thank you. I may have come across in this thread as a naughty child stamping her foot. That's not my intention.

I just don't know how much longer I can listen. I've been listening for five years and it's wearing me down. I'm not that capable, emotionally, of looking after myself. I'm a mess.

I feel so very sorry for him, but unfortunately I'm starting to feel sorry for myself too :eek:.
You just comes across as someone who loves her mum & dad & wants the best for them.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,708
North West
I can only say CG that I can see how hard this is for you.

I'm not in the position your father is in as we have been very fortunate in being able to greatly increase the care we buy in and this has made life more manageable for me. But, and this is something that you have perhaps to experience to appreciate fully, even now I find that my efforts to do more, get out and see friends etc are limited by my need to know that Sue is OK - even though I know that she is being well looked-after. There's almost a time-limit sometimes - I feel the pull and have to come home. Even though I talk about longer respite - even a single overnight away e.g. - I can't really imagine myself doing that. She still depends on me - I've kept her going. And as a result, I'm somehow dependent on her. As I say, not in the same situation as your father, very lucky in many ways but......I think I can understand him. I'm sorry, I'm not much help to you. It must be even worse that he's your hero. I sincerely hope something changes and he somehow manages to ease off a bit.
 
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jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
CG: first I want to say: don't beat yourself up over this. Not the fact that you can't get your father to agree to more care nor the fact that you feel abandoned by your father in this. You care for both your parents, you want to make their situation better: you are a great daughter.

I have hesitated to post this but I will for what it's worth: Is it possible that your father is taking this approach (consciously or unconsciously) because this is what he wants? That is, he wants to predecease your mother? I know this sounds shocking, but we had a a friend, a very good friend whose wife was so close to us that our children called her Grandma Barbara. But she was struck down with AD. And when she got to the point that she had to be placed in a care home he simply decided that all the "I shouldn't eat this, I shouldn't eat that" restrictions that he had because of his heart disease were meaningless. It was, frankly, no holds barred. And he died. And it was his choice. Because he didn't want to live without the woman he loved, wasn't going to go the whole suicide route but was prepared to let nature take its course. As it did.

So maybe, just maybe, your father wants to do everything he can for your mother at whatever cost. Because the alternative is unbearable.

The other thing I have to ask is: have you actually sat him down and said what you have said here? (When I don't know, and that's an additional problem), but have you? I mean been clear in the : I have two parents, one has dementia and is lost to me, but one isn't? And I don't want to lose him. Maybe you have and kudos if you have but it's entirely possible that you haven't spelled it out exactly and clearly (because hey, who wants to). If after that he makes these choices you have to understand that it's not because he loves you less, but because he needs to do this for your mother to the exclusion of all other considerations. Caring for another person tends to make you blinkered: the whole thing is all consuming.

You didn't come over as a petulant child to me. You came over as a caring daughter who wants to salvage what she can. I hope you can, but you may not be able to because while they are your parents they are autonomous people. It's very hard to deal with and you have my sympathy.
 

bemused1

Registered User
Mar 4, 2012
3,402
I can only say Sleepless that I can see how hard this is for you.

I'm not in the position your father is in as we have been very fortunate in being able to greatly increase the care we buy in and this has made life more manageable for me. But, and this is something that you have perhaps to experience to appreciate fully, even now I find that my efforts to do more, get out and see friends etc are limited by my need to know that Sue is OK - even though I know that she is being well looked-after. There's almost a time-limit sometimes - I feel the pull and have to come home. Even though I talk about longer respite - even a single overnight away e.g. - I can't really imagine myself doing that. She still depends on me - I've kept her going. And as a result, I'm somehow dependent on her. As I say, not in the same situation as your father, very lucky in many ways but......I think I can understand him. I'm sorry, I'm not much help to you. It must be even worse that he's your hero. I sincerely hope something changes and he somehow manages to ease off a bit.
Stanley this is a very honest post and will strike a note with many who are looking after partners.its so so hard to let others take over for some of us. The best care in the world can't overcome the need to be there . it's just something that won't let you go.
I know its hard for but you will not change his mind CG.
 

Mollygoose

Registered User
Dec 19, 2014
52
Lincolnshire
Hi there my mother has dementia and is 90yrs Young ! I struggled for 2yrs with her showering her cleaning her flat and shopping ! Now the carers are in I have one job less the showering ! If you get dad a social care assessment review and tell them your concerns they will come and talk to your dad and they have a way of talking about things that dad will listen to ! So step back a bit and let the carers take over ! I see mother every day but it takes the responsibility off me ! Good luck
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,081
Kent
And I don't feature at all? It makes me sad that he can't see how much I'm hurting, or if he can, that he won't consider a bit of respite or extra carers to lessen my worry a bit.
CG your dad is at full capacity which sadly makes him blinkered as far as you’re concerned.

In his mind he sees you are all right. You are safe. You have a husband, a family and all are well. He is seeing his wife disappearing before his eyes . He knows you are suffering but cannot help you just now.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Thank you for all your posts. I'm sorry I can't respond to every point that's been made but I appreciate all your posts, your support and your shoulders xx

I have had 'that' conversation with dad quite a few times, Jennifer. I have said exactly this (quoting from your post): "I have two parents, one has dementia and is lost to me, but one isn't. And I don't want to lose him."

His answer to that is that he isn't important. It doesn't matter about him. Only mam. My pleas that he's vitally important to me just don't sink in.

I don't think that he wants to die before mam, but who knows what goes on deep in someone's mind? Sadly, if he did die before her, then she would have to go into a home, which is what he's fighting against. There is no way, even with the highest level of care package, and my involvement, that she could live alone in their home.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Perhaps that's the conversation you should have with him CG,"if anything happened to him,your mum would have to go into a home".
Brutal it sounds,but maybe he might think about getting a little more help. If your dad is so worried about your mum going into a home,he needs to be convinced his well being is just as important.x
Sadly, I have had that conversation with him, kassy, even though it broke my heart to say it. Made no difference :( and felt like I was blackmailing him, yet still I did it because I was desperate :(.

Thank you everyone for your support and understanding. I think this thread has run its course - I'll never change dad's mind, he'll never ever put himself first no matter how much I plead with him, he'll never consider my feelings in this because of his devotion to my mam, which I admire but find frustrating as well. I think I should stop posting about it because it gets me nowhere :(.

Big hugs to you all.

xxx
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,235
CG
Would your father accept help for himself, so's to allow more of his energy to go towards your mothers care?
Even if it's only someone to do the Hoovering once a week. (To start with.)

Bod
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
i do agree with Bod that one very small step possibly instigated by an outsider rather than by you might make him realise and set a different path. Is he frightened that anyone from outside might insist on a care home - it is a very real fear and perhaps he would be reassured if someone just offered a tiny bit of help (you could brief them first). maybe even started by the GP (again briefed by you ) Sometimes we have to be very devious lol but your direct intervention is banging your head against a brick wall and tbh from a distance I'm a bit concerned that you are under so much stress that it is going to have a real knock on effect xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Hi CG, sorry you are still all having a hard time, I know how upsetting it is to have a dad who refuses every type of help on offer. As you probably remember I was in the same position as you getting on for three years ago. Mum has been in her care home now for just over two years now and if you remember I had to give my dad an ultimatum, sounds harsh but there was a bit of a difference, my Dad was leaning very heavily on me, not that he realised that at the time, it was starting to affect my marriage and my health. Your Dad wants to do everything himself as I remember,obviously I know you support them in every way you can or he will let you. Anyway I am rambling a bit, what I want to say to you is, I regret bitterly having had that conversation with my Dad giving him an ultimatum, I am so aware that it has changed our relationship, he blames me for Mum being in the care home and spends most of the time finding fault in the way they look after Mum, nobody can look after her like he did in his opinion, not true of course but that's how he feels and probably that's how your Dad feels. My Dad is always saying he would like to win the lottery so he could get a big bungalow and get Mum out of that place and have people come in to help him care for her like he used to, of course if that happened he would have a huge turnover of carers, as he would criticise everything they did! I don't think you will ever get your Dad to accept any more help, his guilt won't let him part with your Mum and maybe it's better to try to accept this now rather than lose what you have with your Dad, it's not nice when you realise that bond has been somewhat broken. Sending you hugs xx
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Thank you Bod and Fizzie - I may have given the impression to those not familiar with my 'story' that dad has no help, but he does - day care, carers and a cleaner. SS have offered him more help many times, but he won't take it. It's very frustrating for me when I know how hard things are for him.

Angemc, thank you for your very honest post. I'm so sorry. I hope it never comes to that for us. Sending you a big hug right back xx
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
sorry College Girl i didn't realise your Pa had some help already, I tend not to read back, my bad, sorry. I think you are doing a sterling job supporting them even though you are suffering yourself. Give yourself a break, tell yourself well done and keep supporting the decisions that your Dad makes. We all know that however stubborn we are we really want the support of those we love most xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx He does and you do too but sadly at the moment he doesn't have the time or energy to give that to you so we will support you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
No need to apologise fizzie! It's impossible to know and remember everyone's back story, and difficult for posters to remind everyone every time we post! No worries, and thanks for your suggestions x