I'm suddenly the enemy

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
My OH got his diagnosis last week, alzheimers. In not surprised but he's just ignored it. Yesterday I tried, very gently, to explain about dvla and car insurance, he can still drive but needs to let them know. He exploded, all the anger inside seem to be aimed at me. I'm certainly to blame. We are at the start of this bloody awful thing. How do people carry on caring, do everything, sacrificing their life to care for someone who seems to hate them? My heart is breaking this morning.
 

2ndAlto

Registered User
Nov 23, 2012
450
0
Hello @Newanne, welcome to the forum where you will always find love and support. And no blame.

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, it is such a shock to actually get the diagnosis confirmed even if you have suspected it for a while. Your OH is obviously feeling it too and really who can blame him, it is very scary for you both.

There are obviously practical things that should be put in place like wills, POA and DVLA but others will be able to advise you better how to approach this. Was no advice given when he was diagnosed?
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Hello @Newanne, welcome to the forum where you will always find love and support. And no blame.

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, it is such a shock to actually get the diagnosis confirmed even if you have suspected it for a while. Your OH is obviously feeling it too and really who can blame him, it is very scary for you both.

There are obviously practical things that should be put in place like wills, POA and DVLA but others will be able to advise you better how to approach this. Was no advice given when he was diagnosed?
Thank you for your speedy reply. Wills and POA in place already. But he refuses to contact car insurance and DVLA as he says he has nothing to prove what he's suffering from. He says the meeting at the memory clinic was amateurish and they don't know what their talking about. He never did see a consultant,, the nurse just passed on the consultants diagnosis following MRI. We just got told to contact DVLA and ins. It was not a good meeting, lots of information given in a very short time. 25mins. With lots of leaflets given.
 

2ndAlto

Registered User
Nov 23, 2012
450
0
This business of "you've got Alzheimer's, now read this leaflet" is appalling. IMO you should be referred immediately to a Counsellor for proper advice about how best to proceed and where to get real help.

I'm not in the UK so can't recommend where you can find help but I'm sure someone on the forum will be along soon to give you some good advice. Only thing I can offer are virtual hugs from the other end of the world (((((hugs))))
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
This business of "you've got Alzheimer's, now read this leaflet" is appalling. IMO you should be referred immediately to a Counsellor for proper advice about how best to proceed and where to get real help.

I'm not in the UK so can't recommend where you can find help but I'm sure someone on the forum will be along soon to give you some good advice. Only thing I can offer are virtual hugs from the other end of the world (((((hugs))))
Hug received and appreciated. Thank you.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
75,068
0
73
Dundee
I’m so sorry to read about your situation @Newanne. It must all be very frightening. It might help to have a conversation with someone on the Admiral Nurse Helpline. There may be an Admiral Nurse in your area but if not then a conversation on the phone might be helpful.

 
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Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
362
0
You can quietly contact the DVLA yourself, without your husband knowing.

Neither my affected Mum nor my Dad (in denial about the risk) would agree to contact the DVLA. We emailed her GP and explained why we believed she was dangerous on the road then we informed the DVLA ourselves, without telling Mum and Dad. The DVLA contacted the GP for information, then wrote to Mum withdrawing her licence unless she took another driving assessment. She was outraged, but refused to take the test so her licence was never returned. My name and my sibling’s name were never mentioned, and the GP was blamed. He has broad shoulders in my family.

Unfortunately Dad insists on maintaining Mum’s car in drivable condition. We’re certain Mum’s insurer hasn’t been informed. If we knew who they were we’d tell them ourselves, but all paperwork is kept well out of sight and we don’t know which company to call.

All of this sounds - and frankly feels - terribly underhand. But the truth is that if my Mum got behind the wheel of her car again, she would be a severe risk to herself, other road users, and pedestrians. Sometimes what our loved ones want, is sadly not what they need.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
I’m so sorry to read about your situation @Newanne. It must all be very frightening. It might help to have a conversation with someone on the Admiral Nurse Helpline. There may be an Admiral Nurse in your area but if no then a conversation on the phone might be helpful.

Thank you izzy, think I'll ring this morning, Im feeling very lonely and speaking to someone who has knowledge about dementia may help. X
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
You can quietly contact the DVLA yourself, without your husband knowing.

Neither my affected Mum nor my Dad (in denial about the risk) would agree to contact the DVLA. We emailed her GP and explained why we believed she was dangerous on the road then we informed the DVLA ourselves, without telling Mum and Dad. The DVLA contacted the GP for information, then wrote to Mum withdrawing her licence unless she took another driving assessment. She was outraged, but refused to take the test so her licence was never returned. My name and my sibling’s name were never mentioned, and the GP was blamed. He has broad shoulders in my family.

Unfortunately Dad insists on maintaining Mum’s car in drivable condition. We’re certain Mum’s insurer hasn’t been informed. If we knew who they were we’d tell them ourselves, but all paperwork is kept well out of sight and we don’t know which company to call.

All of this sounds - and frankly feels - terribly underhand. But the truth is that if my Mum got behind the wheel of her car again, she would be a severe risk to herself, other road users, and pedestrians. Sometimes what our loved ones want, is sadly not what they need.
Thanks collywobbles, I may have to do that. Memory clinic say they are happy for oh to continue driving. Insurance needs to be informed as well as DVLA. I can download the form but he has to sign it. Apparently they then contact consultant/doctor to confirm.
 

DollyM1

Registered User
Dec 21, 2022
54
0
Thanks collywobbles, I may have to do that. Memory clinic say they are happy for oh to continue driving. Insurance needs to be informed as well as DVLA. I can download the form but he has to sign it. Apparently they then contact consultant/doctor to confirm.
I’m sure you can just sign it on OH’s behalf as you have POA. When my father drove his car across his neighbours garden, into the side wall of their brick garage (!) he handed his licence to the lovely police officer who asked for it. This was the beginning of Dads dementia journey and he never got his licence back. I know these are different circumstances to you but, we blamed the doctor, who of course was a fool who didn’t know anything! DVLA wrote to dad explaining how to get his licence back…taking a test….dad moaned and moaned but we never helped him in completing any paperwork to try to get a test and eventually he forgot about driving. It did take several months however. Xxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,332
0
Kent
How do people carry on caring, do everything, sacrificing their life to care for someone who seems to hate them? My heart is breaking this morning.
Hello @Newanne

Did your husband seem to hate you before dementia was in his life?

A diagnosis causes some dreadful reactions, especially at the beginning when many want to fight the diagnosis. This might make them fight the partner/family member who accepts it.

I had a nightmare of a life when my husband was diagnosed even though dementia was never mentioned and we only discussed memory loss. I was accused of everything that was wrong with his life including causing his memory loss and taking away his independence.

You will be treading on eggshells for a while and I hope sharing your upset and despair on the forum will help.

If Things get too bad , contact the helpline and the admiral nurses



 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
362
0
Thanks collywobbles, I may have to do that. Memory clinic say they are happy for oh to continue driving. Insurance needs to be informed as well as DVLA. I can download the form but he has to sign it. Apparently they then contact consultant/doctor to confirm.
We never had my Mum sign anything. She would have refused and my Dad would have backed her up. That is very common with a person who has dementia, as a lack of insight is a normal part of the condition. You can definitely report to the DVLA without your husband’s agreement.

This is a link to the form you complete if the driver cannot or will not report to the DVLA themselves:

You can also call the DVLA free hotline if you have an immediate concern about your husband’s driving being dangerous:
08444530118
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Hello @Newanne

Did your husband seem to hate you before dementia was in his life?

A diagnosis causes some dreadful reactions, especially at the beginning when many want to fight the diagnosis. This might make them fight the partner/family member who accepts it.

I had a nightmare of a life when my husband was diagnosed even though dementia was never mentioned and we only discussed memory loss. I was accused of everything that was wrong with his life including causing his memory loss and taking away his independence.

You will be treading on eggshells for a while and I hope sharing your upset and despair on the forum will help.

If Things get too bad , contact the helpline and the admiral nurses



Hello grannies G. no he did hate me before and I know he probably doesn't hate me now. He hates whats happening to him. My head tell me that but it not as easy when it come to the heart. I've spoken to admiral nurse this morning, they were very undertand and helped. I've also got the number of a local support group. Thank you so much, you alway seem to talk sense when I'm in a fuddle. Tear shed, talking done now big breath and carry on.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,332
0
Kent
Hello grannies G. Thank you so much, you alway seem to talk sense when I'm in a fuddle. Tear shed, talking done now big breath and carry on.

It`s easy for me to be objective Newanne when I`m no longer a hands on carer. Believe me, there were times when I didn`t know how I could possibly manage a situation or how I shielded myself from the hurt

Take yourself off if you can so you can find some personal space.

I`m glad speaking to an Admiral Nurse helped.

Good luck with the support group
 

Chocolate box

New member
Dec 15, 2023
7
0
My OH got his diagnosis last week, alzheimers. In not surprised but he's just ignored it. Yesterday I tried, very gently, to explain about dvla and car insurance, he can still drive but needs to let them know. He exploded, all the anger inside seem to be aimed at me. I'm certainly to blame. We are at the start of this bloody awful thing. How do people carry on caring, do everything, sacrificing their life to care for someone who seems to hate them? My heart is breaking this morning.
 

Chocolate box

New member
Dec 15, 2023
7
0
Hi Newanne
I think the not driving issue is a real game changer ( on top of the dementia). My husband took the driver assessment test and failed so he is pretty stuck unless I take him everywhere in the car. Sounds like your husband is still driving so this is a good thing ! But yes dementia wins every time; it is never my husbands fault about anything and he vents his frustration and anger on me . Not sure there is a solution…..
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
Hi Newanne
I think the not driving issue is a real game changer ( on top of the dementia). My husband took the driver assessment test and failed so he is pretty stuck unless I take him everywhere in the car. Sounds like your husband is still driving so this is a good thing ! But yes dementia wins every time; it is never my husbands fault about anything and he vents his frustration and anger on me . Not sure there is a solution…..
Hi chocolate box, no solutions as you say, just learning on the job, grow a thick skin and broad shoulders and carry on carrying on. It's so good knowing I'm not on my own on this terrible journey. Xx
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
155
0
clitheroe
It`s easy for me to be objective Newanne when I`m no longer a hands on carer. Believe me, there were times when I didn`t know how I could possibly manage a situation or how I shielded myself from the hurt

Take yourself off if you can so you can find some personal space.

I`m glad speaking to an Admiral Nurse helped.

Good luck with the support group
Thanks grannies G. You may not be hands on now but the lessons you learnt on your journey certainly help others. Your wisdom and support is invaluable. Thank you x
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
860
0
Lincolnshire
Thanks grannies G. You may not be hands on now but the lessons you learnt on your journey certainly help others. Your wisdom and support is invaluable. Thank you x
As well as the thick skin and broad shoulders you also need to learn to be economical with the truth, and use a lot of non commital silences, ummms, little white lies and evasions. Difficult when you’ve spent years sharing everything but it gets easier and definitely makes life easier……
 

scotlass

Registered User
Jul 9, 2023
298
0
hello Newanne, I'm sorry youre having such a bad time I don't know what it's like where you live, but when my husband was diagnosed we had a mental health nurse visit every 4 weeks, to see how things were going, after the first year the visit is now once a year, we have her phone number if we need to speak to her about anything. the occupational therapist visited at the start to see if we needed anything like hand grips or extra hand rails for front or back steps, the nurse also suggested places that we could go like dementia cafes...but OH would have none of that, he's ok at the moment,quite content at home, but we know that might not last
was your husband given any medication, maybe the mental health nurse could ask about that for you, it might calm him....good luck , hope you get some help soon xx