"I'm not married!"

[Francisco]

My PWD remembers virtually nothing from the last 50 years and therefore is typically unaware that the person who cares for her 24/7 is her husband since the 1970s.
When this first became an issue a couple of years ago, I was quite offended and my mission was to enlighten her: wedding and holiday photos, the fact that we had the same surname, title deeds to the house and so on. But I soon found that her level of awareness of her marriage had little to do with rationality. Her condition means that even if I ‘convince’ her that we are married, she will have no memory of that insight a few seconds later.
Sometimes she’ll be surprised but pleased to hear that we were married – but why had I been absent in recent decades? Sometimes, particularly when anxious, she’ll be quite straight-laced, upset at the suggestion that she is married and concerned about what family members would think of us being together. In the evening she will often say, “where do you live?”, and then wonder where I’ll be sleeping. And a short while later will happily have me sleeping beside her. And when we meet strangers, she will routinely introduce me as “my husband”.
This is all very interesting for me but for her it is just one small example of the turmoil and confusion she faces every day.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Francisco

I know how it is. My husband had a phase of walking the streets looking for his real wife. When he accepted me I was never sure whether it was as his wife or not and I didn`t rock the boat by asking him.

We never slept separately. I have quite a severe hearing loss and was worried if he got up in the night or was ill I wouldn't hear him.

Most of his anxiety for his real wife was while sundowning, usually after dinner. At most other times he was comfortable with me and I had to be satisfied with that.

It`s tough.

 

[Francisco]

Hello @Francisco

I know how it is. My husband had a phase of walking the streets looking for his real wife. When he accepted me I was never sure whether it was as his wife or not and I didn`t rock the boat by asking him.

We never slept separately. I have quite a severe hearing loss and was worried if he got up in the night or was ill I wouldn't hear him.

Most of his anxiety for his real wife was while sundowning, usually after dinner. At most other times he was comfortable with me and I had to be satisfied with that.

It`s tough.

Thanks Grannie G, I agree about not rocking the boat, particularly late afternoon and evening when anxiety and agitation can suddenly appear (sundowning). It's a bit Jeckyl and Hyde: morning and early afternoon, relatively relaxed, very grateful for the help I give her, I'm a "very kind person", but then can become very distressed wanting to go home to see her parents. I dread the sundowning....