I'm back and various stuff

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by jenniferpa, Aug 16, 2007.

  1. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Well I'm back. I would like to thank everyone from thir support, both online and off.

    It was a difficult time, not made easier by having to clear my mother's property of everything. I suppose I could have left it for a while, but there didn't seem much point and despite all the paperwork and arrangments I had to make, time weighed very heavily on my hands. The most difficult thing (well the thing that constantly produced tears) was deciding what to do with my mother's many books - these were so important to her when she was well, that making a decision about each and every one was very difficult. I ended up bring 3 large, heavy suitcases back.

    I was extremely upset not to get there in order to see her again, but I'm not sure that she didn't plan it that way. I know that sounds strange, but her death was unexpectedly fast, and one of her carers said that just before she died, she had said to my mother "Jenny will be here tomorrow" and Mummy said "I don't want Jenny to have to deal with me like this", turned over, went to sleep and within 1/2 hour she was dead.

    I don't know - we believe the things that makes it easier I suppose.

    The funeral (humanist, very small, very appropriate) went OK. I spread my mother's ashes on the Sussex downs (with difficulty: there are far too many people on the coast in the summer, and this is something you want to do privately).

  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Jennifer, welcome back. I've been thinking of you a lot over the last fortnight.

    I'm sure you're right, that your mum planned her death to spare you pain. Of course, it doesn't, the pain is there anyway, but it must be such a consolation that she was considering you right to the end.

    I'm glad the funeral went well, and was what you wanted. I know what you mean about books. Somehow they're so personal -- at least, old books! I can't see modern paperbacks having the same sentimental value! I'm glad you managed to bring so many back with you. (Excess baggage! :eek: )

    Take it easy for a while now, with so much to do over the last couple of weeks you must be drained.

  3. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    Hello Jennifer

    Good to hear from you. I'm sorry you didn't reach your mum in time but, as you say, it sounds like she 'planned it'.

    I hope now you can give yourself time for the grieving process. I imagine it will be very strange for you having been so far away from your mum, not to have to think you have to jump on an aeroplane at any time to be with her.

    Thinking of you - and I'm sure you will manage to keep or distribute the books as your mum would have liked. She was lucky to have you.

    Best wishes.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Jennifer,

    I`m glad you managed to have the funeral you wanted for your mother, scattered her ashes, and completed all the practical formalities.

    I hope you didn`t feel too alone whilst you were here.

    Now you are home and can grieve in peace.

    Look after yourself,

    Love xx
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Yes, I was fully prepared to pay for excess baggage, but fortunately, the check-in agent at the airport upgraded me, so I didn't have to pay for either the extra bag or the overweight items.

    No paperbacks don't have much emotional appeal, but some of these books have been in the family since the nineteenth century - no commerical value, not even particularly of great interest (a fair number in French and I don't read french), but they are a connection to people long gone. I went through them all 3 or 4 times, making smaller and smaller piles. I was fortunate that a lot of the stuff that I would have kept if I had lived in the UK I could give to a good friend of my mother's to either re-house, or sell for a charity: at least that way I felt that somebody was getting some use out of them. I know some people find it difficult to get rid of clothes but that wan't particularly difficult, but the books...

    The other decision I had to make that I dithered about was whether to actually see her before the funeral. Mostly I suppose that would happen automatically, but in this case it didn't. I thought long and hard about it, because it's not something that you can choose later to "do over" and I know from open-casket funerals that it's quite clear that what made this person is gone, but I just wasn't sure. I did see her, and it was OK - no worse no better than you would expect.

  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    #6 Grannie G, Aug 16, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2007

    That`s good Jennifer, leaves no room for regrets. xx
  7. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    I can only echo Hazel's words. So glad you have come back to post again. Lots of people were thinking of you. Love Deborah
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    So glad to have you back

    I've been thinking of you a lot - every time I've come on TP I've looked for your name, even though I knew it was too early.

    I also think you made the right decision about seeing your mother. It's always the "path not taken" that we wonder about afterwards.

    Take time to recuperate and visit us when you can.

  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I also was wondering how you was geting on .

    I 2nd that xxx
  10. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    It must all feel very strange for you now, I agree:

    Take time to recuperate and visit us when you can.

    I will 3rd that


    Cate xxxx
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Dear Jennifer, Joanne says it so well I can only echo her post.

    Look after yourself, love n'hugs,
  12. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    The other odd thing, and I'm wondering if this is transference, is that I now feel a sense of loss related to country - I have no real ties there now, except for a very few friends, so I feel like I have lost not only a mother but a home as well. Most peculiar really. I suppose it's a question of loosing my emotional anchor.
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    I can understand that. My sister and bil have lived in Australia for about 40 years. My bil regards himself as aussie rather than british, but my sis is still pure brit, and prides herself on her accent.

    When my mum died, she felt the same as you. Even though I'm here, and they do visit every couple of years, the umbilical cord is gone.

    Mother country?:)
  14. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    At the risk of sounding soppily sentimental ...

    The spirit of your Mum (the real lady, not the ill one she has been recently) will be with you wherever you are, for the rest of your life.

    Only the body (or in this case the ashes!) are earthbound.
  15. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Jennifer

    I was so sorry to hear about your mum. I was away at the time and couldn't offer my sympathy to you.
    Please accept my love and sympathy now xx

    My father died 2 years ago now.....I was called to the hospital several times....However the night he died I was too late.....he'd already gone.
    How I agonized over this......but thinking it through I know he wanted to spare me that now......the final act of my devoted dad...
    Draw strength from that Jennifer.....it really does help.

    Lots of love and thinking of you xxxxxx
  16. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    All the sentiments expressed are mine too - pleased you are back posting again.


    Maybe but .......... what about the lifebelt being sent out from TP!

    We all need you here too.

    Think of yourself now - take care Beckyjan
  17. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Your comments about 'emotional anchorage' reminded me very much of one of Libby Purves' (Times columnist) novels, 'The Mother Country' ..... (but I guess you've got enough books just now :eek: ) .....

    Jennifer, you have always been quite amazing in your support and help for others .... I hope you take whatever 'time out' you need .... but TP - as one UK based 'anchorage' - would be the worse for losing your wisdom and straight talking ..... Your mother - and your example and efforts to manage her care from a distance - has gifted a legacy to some of us the the UK which will always remain .....

    Much love, Karen, x
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Jennifer, might this be because you no longer have a `home` to stay in if you visit the UK? I believe you have stayed at your mothers`, whenever you visited. Now, would it have to be a hotel?

    A big change.

    Love xx
  19. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Dear Jennifer,
    I'm glad for you that this very difficult time has been managed so well (only what we would expect from "our" Jennifer!!) and you have obviously coped with such dignity and grace. No doubt you are still feeling very raw and only time may help to dull the edges of your grief.

    I have often said on TP that I truly believe some people choose to die when they are alone and I think your post about your beloved Mum has shown this to be clearly true.

    I think all of us who have moved permanently to another country have a certain tie with our home country which can tug at the heart strings from time to time. I felt much as you do now when my parents retired and moved to Australia to be with all of their four chidren who were living here. It was wonderful to have M&D so near (after many years of living apart) but one part of me felt sad that I could no longer go "home". Not very rational perhaps, but I like to think it is understandable.
  20. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Dear Jennifer,
    Ithink maybe this feeling of not being able to go home is to do with losing a parent. Without the one we love in it, a place loses its heart - the building, the country may still be there - the love, the security, the comfort, the home is gone.

    Thinking of you.
    Love Helen

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