There is also the point that even if I had been able to look after mum in my house (I wasnt because I was already looking after OH) I really dont think that I would have been able to give my mum the care and attention that mum received at her care home.
I know that we always like to think that being looked after by family has got to be the best thing, but as the dementia progresses, Im not sure that it always is. If the carer has to keep getting up in the night it causes chronic fatigue and you just cant function properly. In a care home there is always someone around if someone needs taking to the loo, reassuring or just having a chat. When mum came to stay with me she wanted me to be sat next to her talking to her all the time and I couldnt get on and do housework. If I left her to do the housework she would get upset. At her carehome there was always someone around, staff or carer, to talk to. With me there was very little social interaction, because there was no variation. In her care home there was always something happening - activities, workmen, staff coming and going, other residents around. I have also heard several people say that their PWD, when living in a house, tried very hard to fit into a normal household and they thought that this very thing caused symptoms. Certainly mum developed terrible anxiety and paranoia while she was in her own home that disappeared once she was settled in the care home. I know that she would not have allowed me to do personal care, but she had no problem with the carers doing it.
I gather from your previous threads that your dad is in a care home and you desperately want him not to be there. It might, however, be the very best place for him to be from his view point. It certainly was for mum. People change and although a care home isnt something I would want for myself now, and I know that mum fought against going tooth and nail (and I fully expect OH to do the same when the time comes), once you take dementia into account everything changes. The environment of a care home suited mum, she no longer had to struggle to "fit in" as she fitted in completely and it met all her needs - not just the physical ones. So she became content and her old personality resurfaced, when she had been really suspicious and nasty to everyone in her home.
Mum tried to make me promise that I would never put her in a care home, but I didnt - I promised that I would do my very best to do what would be the very best for her. I felt (and still feel) that I kept that promise.