I could have written all this myself! Thank you all for confirming we are part of a huge support network, all coping with similar negative emotions and pressures. I often feel there is something wrong with me to feel such venom towards my mother and such resentment. Its not her fault. But my goodness, does she push some buttons! Before dementia our mother was feisty in any case and we all had to tow the line as children. I have a hard job forgetting that now she has no control and sometimes behaviour is the same. My mother can be really fowl to me and my father but sweetness and light to my brother or a carer/friend! The shouting, aggression, anger, snarling like a bear, then hysterical tears, instantly stopped when "her" problem resolved. Distancing my self in the upstairs bathroom helps but I know the episodes take their toll. Last week I had a health scare - frightening as I'm never poorly thank goodness. It followed a particularly difficult weekend with our mother. I'm a strong, fit 63 yr old. While on a short cycle I became dizzy, nearly fainted and couldn't recover quickly. Doctor checked everything and diagnosed acute stress. I was not aware of it but my body was almost in shut down. This week I've decided that I can only do my best and if I fall apart we're in a bigger hole re help/support so I'm learning to chill and not to take any of it too personally (I'm work in progress!). My mantra: change what you can; accept what you can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. We can't change this horrible disease but we can make a decision how we cope with it. Our loved ones don't sadly have this option.
Thank you all for sharing your difficult emotional thoughts - it really, really helps. Sending strength and wishing good times ahead, somehow, sometime for us all.