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I really don't like the person dementia has made my mum

shepherdess77

New member
Jan 21, 2021
1
0
It is very reassuring to read your thread and know I'm not alone. I feel the same way about my mother. She's not aggressive as such but she's a different person to the one I thought I knew. She's selfish, passive aggressive, and egocentric. She does not accept her diagnosis, which somehow makes it worse. I know its the dementia but where I struggle is that as she is intelligent and articulate, its sometimes difficult to separate it out. I question whether I never really knew her at all and this was the person she now cannot hide. Then feel horribly guilty that I could possibly think those thoughts and so the vicious circle continues. It is a constant rollercoaster and a cruel disease.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,797
0
Bedford
Although Mum never went into ‘victim mode’ she certainly knew how to push my buttons so I went into guilt mode for not being peg a more loving caring daughter
 

Buckeroo

Registered User
Apr 16, 2020
27
0
I could have written all this myself! Thank you all for confirming we are part of a huge support network, all coping with similar negative emotions and pressures. I often feel there is something wrong with me to feel such venom towards my mother and such resentment. Its not her fault. But my goodness, does she push some buttons! Before dementia our mother was feisty in any case and we all had to tow the line as children. I have a hard job forgetting that now she has no control and sometimes behaviour is the same. My mother can be really fowl to me and my father but sweetness and light to my brother or a carer/friend! The shouting, aggression, anger, snarling like a bear, then hysterical tears, instantly stopped when "her" problem resolved. Distancing my self in the upstairs bathroom helps but I know the episodes take their toll. Last week I had a health scare - frightening as I'm never poorly thank goodness. It followed a particularly difficult weekend with our mother. I'm a strong, fit 63 yr old. While on a short cycle I became dizzy, nearly fainted and couldn't recover quickly. Doctor checked everything and diagnosed acute stress. I was not aware of it but my body was almost in shut down. This week I've decided that I can only do my best and if I fall apart we're in a bigger hole re help/support so I'm learning to chill and not to take any of it too personally (I'm work in progress!). My mantra: change what you can; accept what you can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. We can't change this horrible disease but we can make a decision how we cope with it. Our loved ones don't sadly have this option.

Thank you all for sharing your difficult emotional thoughts - it really, really helps. Sending strength and wishing good times ahead, somehow, sometime for us all.
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
44
0
It is very reassuring to read your thread and know I'm not alone. I feel the same way about my mother. She's not aggressive as such but she's a different person to the one I thought I knew. She's selfish, passive aggressive, and egocentric. She does not accept her diagnosis, which somehow makes it worse. I know its the dementia but where I struggle is that as she is intelligent and articulate, its sometimes difficult to separate it out. I question whether I never really knew her at all and this was the person she now cannot hide. Then feel horribly guilty that I could possibly think those thoughts and so the vicious circle continues. It is a constant rollercoaster and a cruel disease.
I originally also questioned, was my Dad really this person that is emerging through dementia. Thankfully it's not the case, it's the destruction of brain functions that are creating this person. I compare him often to a toddler brain, not a toddler person. But he shows a lot of the characteristics of the worst toddler years. Tantrums, lies, the world revolves around him and no consideration of others. The struggle to understand his world and the fear that emerges when things change. It helps me cope.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
160
0
I love my Mum, but frequently don't like her. Dementia has taken everything that was 'her' and replaced it with someone I don't recognise. She is selfish, self -centred, rude and lacks any empathy. I don't have children, but the toddler description seems apt. I know we are supposed to be able to separate the disease from the person, but dementia ia now so much what Mum is, that it is very difficult. Dementia stains every aspect of our lives - from what we watch on TV, listen to on the radio, eat, what Mum reads, when we go to bed, when we get up, and I resent every minute of it.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
94
0
oh yes! this is exactly like my mum, she can’t really hold a conversation anymore, it’s all filler words, but the victim stuff super pushes my buttons too, partly cos she did it slot her whole life with depression, another disease where we are supposed to separate the person from the behaviour, but it’s REALLY HARD. if you’ve always known them to be like this. it gets real hard to remember the good times. i’m taking a break from mum and slowly starting to remember the whole her and some good bits, but i dread seeing her and going through all that again.
 

gm1632

Registered User
Jan 7, 2021
14
0
I love my Mum, but frequently don't like her. Dementia has taken everything that was 'her' and replaced it with someone I don't recognise. She is selfish, self -centred, rude and lacks any empathy. I don't have children, but the toddler description seems apt. I know we are supposed to be able to separate the disease from the person, but dementia ia now so much what Mum is, that it is very difficult. Dementia stains every aspect of our lives - from what we watch on TV, listen to on the radio, eat, what Mum reads, when we go to bed, when we get up, and I resent every minute of it.
OMG, the tv and food thing, yes! The other day my mum and I had a spat because she asked to watch something other than what we were watching. Fine, but every option I suggested was met with a sulky ‘no’. I eventually found an old Gogglebox, but at that point was so worked up I said I was going to go upstairs, which then sent her into a victim rant about how I didn’t want to spend time with her. She did sort of apologise later but then tried to shift blame onto my dad....

another time, she rejected about 5 very varied meal offers, then complained the next day she was starving. I know nine of this year s her fault but it’s like the dementia takes away much of a person’s ability to accept when they are behaving badly.
 

gm1632

Registered User
Jan 7, 2021
14
0
Oh and the toddler analogy is bang on. My sister once said she reacts to mum’s hysterics like she would to a toddler having a tantrum.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,904
0
cornwall
OMG, the tv and food thing, yes! The other day my mum and I had a spat because she asked to watch something other than what we were watching. Fine, but every option I suggested was met with a sulky ‘no’. I eventually found an old Gogglebox, but at that point was so worked up I said I was going to go upstairs, which then sent her into a victim rant about how I didn’t want to spend time with her. She did sort of apologise later but then tried to shift blame onto my dad....

another time, she rejected about 5 very varied meal offers, then complained the next day she was starving. I know nine of this year s her fault but it’s like the dementia takes away much of a person’s ability to accept when they are behaving badly.
Hi. I have that with dad. I give him a choice of 2 now . But the majority of the time now he doesn’t get a choice as he cannot make up his mind. I find it easier just to decide and then cook for everyone.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
94
0
toddler
unable to understand another persons needs
playing the victim
blaming everyone else
wanting something but rejecting all choices available

if you know anything about childhood development you’ll recognise a lot of these behaviours are things children simply can’t do.
they don’t care that pulling mummy’s hair hurts her because they don’t see her as another person, just someone that is there for the child.
they dont understand that the shop was out of strawberry ice cream so we had to get vanilla,
they want it NOW.
they always expect to be made happy all the time.
they take no responsibility
they can’t entertain themselves
they want things they cannot have
they do not understand reality (you are a little person, you cannot drive the car)

they say when you fall in love with a person, it’s not the adult you are in a relationship but the five year old child. that’s who you’re emotionally entangled with.

dementia just brings it to a whole new level.

i never liked my mum’s inner child. we would never have been friends. now i feel like she is chasing me in my nightmares!
 

Milvus

Registered User
Sep 5, 2019
37
0
I understand this as I'm seeing similar trends in my mother. It's hard to be the punchbag for her frustrations, especially as I feel responsible for smoothing out all the problems. Her carers have also complained of the change in her personality. I don't know what they expect me to do about it.