I love him dearly but I'm sick of him...............
- Thread starter caqqufa
- Start date
Hello caqqufa, if you are looking after your husband on your own, you need help, you must have a break it sounds like you need it, get intouch with your GP for a referral to SS, theyc will arrange day care for your husband. Sending you a ((((Big Hug))))
See less of him and more of other people. ASAP get help from social services to allow you free time. This can mean sitters, day care, respite and ultimately care homes. Don't be afraid of asking until you get help. I know that last year I felt I couldn't go on yet this year I am coping so much better. This began with a few hours a week and now is three days at day centre and recently two weeks respite. Touch wood I am more me again and hope I can continue like this.
Do you have a carer's support service of any kind in your area caqqufa? They would be able to advise you on what is available for you locally. Some people have a person who comes in and gets to know the person with dementia and takes them out or spends time with them at home. This would give you a break and it would be helpful for your husband to have contact with other people.
Hope you can get some help soon. Hugs.
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Hope you can get some help soon. Hugs.
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Know how you feel caqqufa - you need a break. This is very very hard. OH goes to day care one day and even though I have to work sometimes it is just lovely to work quietly without interruption to look at the pigeons or persuade him to take his coat off etc. Also have a sitter tomorrow for 2 hours - I am going for a facial and manicure usually I go to yoga. You are important. Very important. Sending a hug xx
Thank you all for our replies and your empathy. Yes you guessed: I am only carer and I agree with you that I need a break but nothing has worked so far. Tried bringing in a carer, but he reacted by wanting to go out by himself if I didn't stay in! He used to walk miles on his own but now unsure of his whereabouts after a while, so cannot trust him on his own.He was a keen golfer too but interest has evaporated and actually feels strange when I drive him to the club. Tried day respite at a care home - was in a panic within one hour and had to leave 
( I cannot find him anything to interest him and have run out of ideas. Won't have me out of his sight. Now he wants to go back to work (he's ex-navy) and keeps on asking : I'm sick of this job, when are we leaving this ship - when is the next one due, etc etc. Thank you those who are reading this - I just needed to, sort of, let off some steam )
( I cannot find him anything to interest him and have run out of ideas. Won't have me out of his sight. Now he wants to go back to work (he's ex-navy) and keeps on asking : I'm sick of this job, when are we leaving this ship - when is the next one due, etc etc. Thank you those who are reading this - I just needed to, sort of, let off some steam )
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Thank you all for our replies and your empathy. Yes you guessed: I am only carer and I agree with you that I need a break but nothing has worked so far. Tried bringing in a carer, but he reacted by wanting to go out by himself if I didn't stay in! He used to walk miles on his own but now unsure of his whereabouts after a while, so cannot trust him on his own.He was a keen golfer too but interest has evaporated and actually feels strange when I drive him to the club. Tried day respite at a care home - was in a panic within one hour and had to leave
This rings bells with me. My Mum also would not settle with carers and only wanted my Dad, though she did go to daycare with the alzheimers society twice a week and seemed to enjoy it. Ultimately though it was the not being willing to settle for anyone else including my sister and I (she thought we were carers too!) that led to Dad deciding he couldn't keep her at home any more. She is now in a care home. It was really tough at first as she was both angry and unhappy , however she is really quite settled now and we can visit her and take her out several times a week. You need to get some daycare and respite in place for your own sake-even if he hates it at first. He needs more than one persons energy and time ...you just cant do it alone. Please askk SS for help. Thinking of you.
Yes I've felt like you too, sometimes it was all I could do to stop myself walking out. Before I knew the diagnosis I thought we must be headed for the divorce courts. My OH has some FTD and being alone with him all the time and his moods, apathy and verbal aggression was very depressing. I feel somewhat better now because I have learnt more about the disease, and he seems a bit happier. But you do need time out with others, to stretch your mind, have a laugh, and not be constantly on your guard. You owe it to him to do this, so you can keep sane. Best wishes and good luck.Thank you all for our replies and your empathy. Yes you guessed: I am only carer and I agree with you that I need a break but nothing has worked so far. Tried bringing in a carer, but he reacted by wanting to go out by himself if I didn't stay in! He used to walk miles on his own but now unsure of his whereabouts after a while, so cannot trust him on his own.He was a keen golfer too but interest has evaporated and actually feels strange when I drive him to the club. Tried day respite at a care home - was in a panic within one hour and had to leave
Dear caqqufa
The irony is that now D is in a care home I do truly want to die. Life with him was becoming impossible. Life without him is unbearable.
I won't do it either: it would do such damage. But goodness it would be nice to be to stop the pain.
That's the thing isn't it. Until a set of circumstances present themselves in our own lives, we often wonder how anyone can think of doing X,Y or Z. I used to wonder how anyone could mistreat children, and still do. But if I lived in a tower block, with a broken lift, and obnoxious neighbours, it would have been a lot harder than it was.
Many years ago, pre John's AD, there was a story about a man who'd been left in the A & E department of our local hospital, with a sign round his neck saying "my name's Jim, and I have Dementia", or something like that, just before Christmas. Like most people I was horrified, and it later transpired that a daughter had left her Dad, at her husband's insistence, and they'd gone away on holiday, as she was absolutely exhausted.
Fast forward a few years, and I wasn't so judgmental, and then fast forward a few more, and I was absolutely sympathetic. There's a lot to be said for the saying "walk a mile in my shoes, and then comment".
I don't know who this monster is anymore and he kills me everyday.
I am sitting here crying after yet another ****ty day of trying to talk to someone who is no longer there, and the monster in his body is cruel and heartless and selfish and spiteful and a bully to whom I do not matter. His parents matter, his brother matters the children still matter a little, but I am nothing. His parents don't want him except on their terms, his brother is less than useless. They aren't the ones sorting out the chaos he caused, I am. But they matter and I am garbage. He never has the words to talk to me but he has the words to insult me, demean me. He has the words to talk to his beloved parents, who treat me like trash. He has the words to talk to his brother who doesn't even acknowledge my existence, but when I want to talk he only wants the telly and wants me gone. It is so hard to love someone, and fight for them when all they do is kill you every day.
Thank you all for our replies and your empathy. Yes you guessed: I am only carer and I agree with you that I need a break but nothing has worked so far. Tried bringing in a carer, but he reacted by wanting to go out by himself if I didn't stay in! He used to walk miles on his own but now unsure of his whereabouts after a while, so cannot trust him on his own.He was a keen golfer too but interest has evaporated and actually feels strange when I drive him to the club. Tried day respite at a care home - was in a panic within one hour and had to leave
I am sitting here crying after yet another ****ty day of trying to talk to someone who is no longer there, and the monster in his body is cruel and heartless and selfish and spiteful and a bully to whom I do not matter. His parents matter, his brother matters the children still matter a little, but I am nothing. His parents don't want him except on their terms, his brother is less than useless. They aren't the ones sorting out the chaos he caused, I am. But they matter and I am garbage. He never has the words to talk to me but he has the words to insult me, demean me. He has the words to talk to his beloved parents, who treat me like trash. He has the words to talk to his brother who doesn't even acknowledge my existence, but when I want to talk he only wants the telly and wants me gone. It is so hard to love someone, and fight for them when all they do is kill you every day.
Dear Marylil52, coincidentally I was reading your posts this evening regarding the HC issue, and I think that if you can go through this, anybody can. I'm sure that given time you will not regret anything.
From the 'conversations' we have during the day I feel we have reached the stage where most of the time he doesn't really know who I am. Truly, once he has had a good restful night (had to give him 2 sleeping pills though tonight as he wouldn't settle and blaming me for everything), he's fine in the morning for a couple of hours and then I start to re-think about the HC issue. But these 'fine' moments are shrinking now and the days are getting heavier to the extent that if someone is kind to me in the smallest of ways, I'm in tears. I'm now avoiding people for so many reasons and in reality I am a people person! Early days yet for you Marylil52 but you have given me courage and time a decision was taken. Thank you
and close your eyes - there's a big HUG coming your way.p.s. when it feels overwhelming try deep breathing
I totally agree with you here. I learnt earlier in life not to be judgemental. So many still are. Wish there was more understanding, acceptance, empathy and kindness in life.
Isn't it horrible when you are trying to help them and get s**t. Example: He asks for help with shaving and showering, so I offer to help but I get: '****** off! I want the shaving guy not you' or 'this is a man's shaving room, what are you doing in here?' There's always this third guy he wants help from but there's nobody else but me. So I've learnt to just ignore him and go and sit down and do a crossword or something, then he comes along and politely asks if I could check if his shave is ok. Go figure!
Dear Marylil52, coincidentally I was reading your posts this evening regarding the HC issue, and I think that if you can go through this, anybody can. I'm sure that given time you will not regret anything.
From the 'conversations' we have during the day I feel we have reached the stage where most of the time he doesn't really know who I am. Truly, once he has had a good restful night (had to give him 2 sleeping pills though tonight as he wouldn't settle and blaming me for everything), he's fine in the morning for a couple of hours and then I start to re-think about the HC issue. But these 'fine' moments are shrinking now and the days are getting heavier to the extent that if someone is kind to me in the smallest of ways, I'm in tears. I'm now avoiding people for so many reasons and in reality I am a people person! Early days yet for you Marylil52 but you have given me courage and time a decision was taken. Thank you
p.s. when it feels overwhelming try deep breathing
Dear caqqufa and TP friends
I think that without this forum and your support/companionship in these desperate days, I might not survive. I'm not being melodramatic. I've never felt closer to swallowing the bag of pills in our medicine cabinet. Every principle I've grown up with, about how wholly wrong and cruel suicide is, is now well out of the window. What remains is knowing that D, wherever he is in his journey into the dark, still needs me if only at a practical level, knowing that my sister and family would be shattered - and knowing that you are out there, listening and helping and caring. I hope that one day I can be of the same use to you and others as you are now to me.
Marylil please keep talking to us especially when you feel desperate. I completely understand. There are some really difficult situations to get through. I hope there is a brighter spot sometimes. Hugs and positive thoughts from me X
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Oh Marylil, things seem so dark at the moment, and you will always carry this sadness with you but there can still be positive and loving times for you and your husband. Not in the way you would have wished of course but in a different way. In the meantime you have a lot of grieving to do for what you have both lost. Nothing anyone can say can change that, but at least there are people here who understand.
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You are not alone, the person I have known and loved, mostly, for nearly half a century has gone and in his place I have a difficult bolshie three year old in the healthy body of a 74 year old. He has no inkling that there is anything wrong but isn't interested in anything but following me, (I know about the toilet visits Scarlett) or "escaping" to march round the small town we live in trying to enrol people in his "business" and turning up on other people's doorsteps claiming that it's his house. I had a melt down and he went into respite for 12 days. I have now decided that the only way I can carry on is to arrange respite for at least a week every three months - if I can find somewhere to take him. The CH he was in said he was hard work - as if I didn't know - and I think he was sedated so that he was manageable. At one time I would have said that's not good but if it works, so be it. Good luck to all you people who are facing this with more courage than me. Such a cruel disease for all involved.
