Thank you all for our replies and your empathy. Yes you guessed: I am only carer and I agree with you that I need a break but nothing has worked so far. Tried bringing in a carer, but he reacted by wanting to go out by himself if I didn't stay in! He used to walk miles on his own but now unsure of his whereabouts after a while, so cannot trust him on his own.He was a keen golfer too but interest has evaporated and actually feels strange when I drive him to the club. Tried day respite at a care home - was in a panic within one hour and had to leave ( I cannot find him anything to interest him and have run out of ideas. Won't have me out of his sight. Now he wants to go back to work (he's ex-navy) and keeps on asking : I'm sick of this job, when are we leaving this ship - when is the next one due, etc etc. Thank you those who are reading this - I just needed to, sort of, let off some steam )
Yes I've felt like you too, sometimes it was all I could do to stop myself walking out. Before I knew the diagnosis I thought we must be headed for the divorce courts. My OH has some FTD and being alone with him all the time and his moods, apathy and verbal aggression was very depressing. I feel somewhat better now because I have learnt more about the disease, and he seems a bit happier. But you do need time out with others, to stretch your mind, have a laugh, and not be constantly on your guard. You owe it to him to do this, so you can keep sane. Best wishes and good luck.Thank you all for our replies and your empathy. Yes you guessed: I am only carer and I agree with you that I need a break but nothing has worked so far. Tried bringing in a carer, but he reacted by wanting to go out by himself if I didn't stay in! He used to walk miles on his own but now unsure of his whereabouts after a while, so cannot trust him on his own.He was a keen golfer too but interest has evaporated and actually feels strange when I drive him to the club. Tried day respite at a care home - was in a panic within one hour and had to leave ( I cannot find him anything to interest him and have run out of ideas. Won't have me out of his sight. Now he wants to go back to work (he's ex-navy) and keeps on asking : I'm sick of this job, when are we leaving this ship - when is the next one due, etc etc. Thank you those who are reading this - I just needed to, sort of, let off some steam )
I think I am starting to understand why some people commit suicide.
Don't be alarmed - I'm not thinking of it!
I think I am starting to understand why some people commit suicide.
Don't be alarmed - I'm not thinking of it!
Dear caqqufa
The irony is that now D is in a care home I do truly want to die. Life with him was becoming impossible. Life without him is unbearable.
I won't do it either: it would do such damage. But goodness it would be nice to be to stop the pain.
Thank you all for our replies and your empathy. Yes you guessed: I am only carer and I agree with you that I need a break but nothing has worked so far. Tried bringing in a carer, but he reacted by wanting to go out by himself if I didn't stay in! He used to walk miles on his own but now unsure of his whereabouts after a while, so cannot trust him on his own.He was a keen golfer too but interest has evaporated and actually feels strange when I drive him to the club. Tried day respite at a care home - was in a panic within one hour and had to leave ( I cannot find him anything to interest him and have run out of ideas. Won't have me out of his sight. Now he wants to go back to work (he's ex-navy) and keeps on asking : I'm sick of this job, when are we leaving this ship - when is the next one due, etc etc. Thank you those who are reading this - I just needed to, sort of, let off some steam )
Dear caqqufa
The irony is that now D is in a care home I do truly want to die. Life with him was becoming impossible. Life without him is unbearable.
I won't do it either: it would do such damage. But goodness it would be nice to be to stop the pain.
That's the thing isn't it. Until a set of circumstances present themselves in our own lives, we often wonder how anyone can think of doing X,Y or Z. I used to wonder how anyone could mistreat children, and still do. But if I lived in a tower block, with a broken lift, and obnoxious neighbours, it would have been a lot harder than it was.
Many years ago, pre John's AD, there was a story about a man who'd been left in the A & E department of our local hospital, with a sign round his neck saying "my name's Jim, and I have Dementia", or something like that, just before Christmas. Like most people I was horrified, and it later transpired that a daughter had left her Dad, at her husband's insistence, and they'd gone away on holiday, as she was absolutely exhausted.
Fast forward a few years, and I wasn't so judgmental, and then fast forward a few more, and I was absolutely sympathetic. There's a lot to be said for the saying "walk a mile in my shoes, and then comment".
I am sitting here crying after yet another ****ty day of trying to talk to someone who is no longer there, and the monster in his body is cruel and heartless and selfish and spiteful and a bully to whom I do not matter. His parents matter, his brother matters the children still matter a little, but I am nothing. His parents don't want him except on their terms, his brother is less than useless. They aren't the ones sorting out the chaos he caused, I am. But they matter and I am garbage. He never has the words to talk to me but he has the words to insult me, demean me. He has the words to talk to his beloved parents, who treat me like trash. He has the words to talk to his brother who doesn't even acknowledge my existence, but when I want to talk he only wants the telly and wants me gone. It is so hard to love someone, and fight for them when all they do is kill you every day.
Dear Marylil52, coincidentally I was reading your posts this evening regarding the HC issue, and I think that if you can go through this, anybody can. I'm sure that given time you will not regret anything.
From the 'conversations' we have during the day I feel we have reached the stage where most of the time he doesn't really know who I am. Truly, once he has had a good restful night (had to give him 2 sleeping pills though tonight as he wouldn't settle and blaming me for everything), he's fine in the morning for a couple of hours and then I start to re-think about the HC issue. But these 'fine' moments are shrinking now and the days are getting heavier to the extent that if someone is kind to me in the smallest of ways, I'm in tears. I'm now avoiding people for so many reasons and in reality I am a people person! Early days yet for you Marylil52 but you have given me courage and time a decision was taken. Thank you and close your eyes - there's a big HUG coming your way.
p.s. when it feels overwhelming try deep breathing
Dear caqqufa and TP friends
I think that without this forum and your support/companionship in these desperate days, I might not survive. I'm not being melodramatic. I've never felt closer to swallowing the bag of pills in our medicine cabinet. Every principle I've grown up with, about how wholly wrong and cruel suicide is, is now well out of the window. What remains is knowing that D, wherever he is in his journey into the dark, still needs me if only at a practical level, knowing that my sister and family would be shattered - and knowing that you are out there, listening and helping and caring. I hope that one day I can be of the same use to you and others as you are now to me.