I know I take from you more than I give xx

[Sad Staffs]

I need to thank you for all your love and support. I know it is very one sided , especially at the moment. I hope it will change and I will feel able to give more than I take here on TP. I struggle to find space to read and respond on TP in the way I would like to. I struggle to make phone calls to anyone, as my husband gets jealous and aggressive, so it isn’t worth the anger.

It’s a bit rough at the moment. My husband has an infection, well masked, but we now have antibiotics and hopefully this will reduce his aggression, anger, and spitefulness. I’m feeling just so lonely and uncared for. I miss my lovely friend... her funeral is on Monday and I don’t think I can attend as I can’t leave my husband for more than 2 hours, and although it is hard for some to understand, I don’t have anyone to sit with him. If I could find someone, my husband would be devastated when they have to deal with his incontinence. I can’t put him through that.

It looks like I have no choice but to go into hospital for a surgical procedure. I had the forms from the hospital. One of the questions asked if I had a dependent. I agonised over the response, but ended up putting yes, my husband has dementia. Then they asked who would be taking care of me when I go home. I just couldn’t answer that one and thought I’ll come back to it. I’m very good at burying my head in the sand! But I had to come back to it. I had to admit that, who will take care of me? Who will take care of my husband while I’m in hospital.

Life is such a mess... will it ever get any easier?

I know I’m talking to people on here who have the same problems, but I just feel it is all so tough. I know I should take each day as it comes. But some things I have to plan and prepare for.

I miss being happy... I miss laughing... I miss my husbands smile... I miss him looking at me as if he loves me...where has he gone? Where have we both gone, because although we are together 24 hours a day, we are not a couple anymore. xx

 

[marionq]

If you are open with the hospital they should have an obligation to sort out care for you with social services. That is the least they could do. Please stop hiding how bad you feel. You are investing all your compassion in your husband and leaving none for yourself. He will survive even if he doesn’t like it. You don’t like how things are but if you don’t look after yourself you won’t survive.

Gather up your survival instincts and reach out.

 

[Beate]

This site isn't about measuring input - you come here when you need help, and I hope you get it.

I agree, you must contact Social Services and ask for an urgent carers assessment, then you could have your surgery while your husband goes into respite for a week or two, or however long your recovery time is.

 

[Izzy]

I can only agree with the others.

It's not about taking and giving on this site. We are all here because we need support of some kind. Sometimes we need more support than others and that's ok. That's what everyone is here for and I'm glad you're sharing how you feel.

This part of your post really struck a chord with me -

I miss being happy... I miss laughing... I miss my husbands smile... I miss him looking at me as if he loves me...where has he gone? Where have we both gone, because although we are together 24 hours a day, we are not a couple anymore. xx

Although my husband died 2 years ago I can remember that feeling oh so well.

Thinking of you.

 

[Rosebush]

I need to thank you for all your love and support. I know it is very one sided , especially at the moment. I hope it will change and I will feel able to give more than I take here on TP. I struggle to find space to read and respond on TP in the way I would like to. I struggle to make phone calls to anyone, as my husband gets jealous and aggressive, so it isn’t worth the anger.

It’s a bit rough at the moment. My husband has an infection, well masked, but we now have antibiotics and hopefully this will reduce his aggression, anger, and spitefulness. I’m feeling just so lonely and uncared for. I miss my lovely friend... her funeral is on Monday and I don’t think I can attend as I can’t leave my husband for more than 2 hours, and although it is hard for some to understand, I don’t have anyone to sit with him. If I could find someone, my husband would be devastated when they have to deal with his incontinence. I can’t put him through that.

It looks like I have no choice but to go into hospital for a surgical procedure. I had the forms from the hospital. One of the questions asked if I had a dependent. I agonised over the response, but ended up putting yes, my husband has dementia. Then they asked who would be taking care of me when I go home. I just couldn’t answer that one and thought I’ll come back to it. I’m very good at burying my head in the sand! But I had to come back to it. I had to admit that, who will take care of me? Who will take care of my husband while I’m in hospital.

Life is such a mess... will it ever get any easier?

I know I’m talking to people on here who have the same problems, but I just feel it is all so tough. I know I should take each day as it comes. But some things I have to plan and prepare for.

I miss being happy... I miss laughing... I miss my husbands smile... I miss him looking at me as if he loves me...where has he gone? Where have we both gone, because although we are together 24 hours a day, we are not a couple anymore. xx

Just read your post Sad Staffs and it made me cry, I just wish I could help you, I know what you mean about not being a couple.anymore, I feel as if I don't exist anymore.Lx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Just read your post Sad Staffs and it made me cry, I just wish I could help you, I know what you mean about not being a couple.anymore, I feel as if I don't exist anymore.Lx

Thank you... it all feels so hopeless doesn’t it. I wish there was some way I could meet up with people like you. I’m sure there would be comfort, fun and even laughter. But I know that can’t happen.... perhaps, one day? Sending you much love, and I’m so thankful you are there, and please believe I’m here for you too. Love B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Thank you for your advice. I will talk to the hospital and social care about the support, respite, after care we both need.
I’ve never been in this position. We have always been so self sufficient. Coming to terms with needing help and support from others hasn’t come easy.

 

[karaokePete]

I agree with the others @Sad Staffs, you should contact the hospital or SS to arrange respite care so that the hospital can take care of you.

No guilt - remember what they say about the oxygen masks on planes - see to yourself first. They tell you that for a reason - as you will be not be any good to anyone if you crack.

As to the forum, it's a peer support site - it's not about give/take. We are all here to help each other through a tough period in our lives. Apart from that, you never know who is reading the replies you get to your threads and so you may actually be indirectly helping others with the same issues without realising it - just by starting the thread.

Keep posting.

 

[Rolypoly]

My heart went out to you when I read your post, you sound so sad. Please follow the advice and get the help you desperately need. You might not feel you can, but you really need to put yourself first and get your op done. Sending you big hugs and good luck.

 

[Manc70]

Hi B, I’ve just read your post and wish very much I could do something to help you. What is happening is so cruel, you have such a lot to cope with. I’m glad you are going to ask for the support you need and deserve. I agree it is a difficult pill to swallow when you’ve been so independent, I’m slowly coming to terms with asking for help when we need it - it doesn’t come easy. We will meet for that cuppa and cake one day and we will have a laugh. Until then believe what everyone is saying that we are here for you and thinking if you. Love and hugs S xx

 

[love.dad.but..]

So much to try to cope with all at once. Try and seek help for you both during and post op. Post as often as you feel the need...someone is always here to read and listen.

 

[B72]

Sad Staffs,
I don’t know what to add to everyone else. Please, please try to access the help you need and deserveand realise everyone here wants to support you.

xxxxxxxx

 

[Sootypig]

Sad Staffs,
I don’t know what to add to everyone else. Please, please try to access the help you need and deserveand realise everyone here wants to support you.

xxxxxxxx

I sat and read this post and all the replies and tears were just streaming down. Sad Staffs thank you so much for sharing. your problems aren't the same but your feelings are. I identified with every thing. The hopeless, helplessness the despair and the loneliness. Thank you for sharing and helping me to not feel so alone. Thank you everyone for your encouragement that lifted me out of today's black hole.

 

[Rosebush]

Thank you... it all feels so hopeless doesn’t it. I wish there was some way I could meet up with people like you. I’m sure there would be comfort, fun and even laughter. But I know that can’t happen.... perhaps, one day? Sending you much love, and I’m so thankful you are there, and please believe I’m here for you too. Love B xx

Yes I wish we could do too, perhaps one day all us carers could go on a much needed cruise (just dreaming I wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just goes on and on at least OH had a shower and cleaned his teeth today. Love Lxxx

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely friend @Sad Staffs. I really do feel for you. I hope you can find support, both emotional and physical to help you through this sad time.

 

[Sad Staffs]

I agree with the others @Sad Staffs, you should contact the hospital or SS to arrange respite care so that the hospital can take care of you.

No guilt - remember what they say about the oxygen masks on planes - see to yourself first. They tell you that for a reason - as you will be not be any good to anyone if you crack.

As to the forum, it's a peer support site - it's not about give/take. We are all here to help each other through a tough period in our lives. Apart from that, you never know who is reading the replies you get to your threads and so you may actually be indirectly helping others with the same issues without realising it - just by starting the thread.

Keep posting.

Thank you, I hear what you say... I will get in touch with SS when I have a fixed date. I find it all so hard, asking for help, something I’ve always found hard. I think my Mom would have told you it’s because I’m such a bossy boots. I come from the old school... if you want something doing do it yourself. But I’m having to come to terms with not being in total control.

And thank you for what you said about posts helping others who read them... this hadn’t dawned on me. I would be pleased if my waffling thoughts written down might help someone else. xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

My heart went out to you when I read your post, you sound so sad. Please follow the advice and get the help you desperately need. You might not feel you can, but you really need to put yourself first and get your op done. Sending you big hugs and good luck.

Thank you for your hugs.... so welcome. It’s been a quieter day, I think the antibiotics are making a difference. Fingers crossed. Love to you xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Hi B, I’ve just read your post and wish very much I could do something to help you. What is happening is so cruel, you have such a lot to cope with. I’m glad you are going to ask for the support you need and deserve. I agree it is a difficult pill to swallow when you’ve been so independent, I’m slowly coming to terms with asking for help when we need it - it doesn’t come easy. We will meet for that cuppa and cake one day and we will have a laugh. Until then believe what everyone is saying that we are here for you and thinking if you. Love and hugs S xx

Hi S, it’s always good to talk to you...
I’m waiting to see the surgeon again in a few days. Not sure I can plan anything until I have a firm date. But I have taken on board what people have said.
I’m thinking of you, looking forward to our cuppa, cake and a good giggle one day! I hope you are ok. Love B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

I sat and read this post and all the replies and tears were just streaming down. Sad Staffs thank you so much for sharing. your problems aren't the same but your feelings are. I identified with every thing. The hopeless, helplessness the despair and the loneliness. Thank you for sharing and helping me to not feel so alone. Thank you everyone for your encouragement that lifted me out of today's black hole.

Thank you for your response and lovely words. It is still a surprise to me that there are so many people experiencing the same sort of distress and feelings of sadness. So many of us crying ourselves to sleep every night.
But I do get comfort from knowing there are people I doubt I will ever meet, but who care about me. Thank you, and know that I’m here for you too.
Love B xx

 

[Sad Staffs]

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely friend @Sad Staffs. I really do feel for you. I hope you can find support, both emotional and physical to help you through this sad time.

Thank you. She really was one of the worlds kindest people. Generous, warm, loving, and I trusted her implicitly. We were total opposites and I think that is why we were so close. No matter what I did, she was on my side.
Take care... B x