I care for mum and dad both with dementia

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jaff, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,927
    Yorkshire
    hi Jaff
    believe your mum when she tells you that you just being there with her lifts her spirits - when it's time to leave remind her you'll be back again; she's your mum, deep down she knows you will


    my dad is nowhere near as ill as your mum; sometimes I can really cheer him and raise a smile or a laugh but mostly he just gains comfort from my quiet presence; he just wants to know I'm there for him - we watch TV and I maybe comment on something so he can agree - we listen to music and I tell him to relax and close his eyes - I put some cream on his dry skin - I spray the fabrics with lavender - I smile if he looks my way - nothing much really but it's companionable - he can't take much noise or loads of chatter, it just overloads him - and I always say I'm off to the shops, when I leave, and I'll bring him some fruit; so he knows I'll be back sometime
    it's not so much giving up - your mum and my dad are tired and nearly ready for the long sleep so just need calm and quiet and our gentle presence

    best wishes to you both
     
  2. Jaff

    Jaff Registered User

    Mar 28, 2016
    95
    Hi guys. Did what both of you told me to do... just sat and held her hand... took a little teddy bear in. That I had given to dad... oh how she loved it.. sat on her should all the time I was there.... then it came.. ask where is her son.! she wants details. My sister in law will not talk to us or mum... I told mum I will email the officer looking after my brothers case... I know the answer before I ask.... she will not tell me anything untilafter the inquest..mean while my mums heart breaking.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,237
    Female
    South coast
    Its time for love lies about your brother, Jaff

    His cars broken down ..... hes coming tomorrow ......... he is just waiting for the go ahead.....
     
  4. Jaff

    Jaff Registered User

    Mar 28, 2016
    95
    Thank you for your lovely thought canary. But mum knows what happened to my brother... it's that no one official. Has been and told her how. And why her son died. he went in for a op on his fingers. The op went well.... when they pulled the tube out of his mouth. They knocked or teared. Something. My brother died for ten min. Which by then to late. As he was brain dead... they could not put tube back down . As it was full of fluid. they tried to keep him alive. On machine for four days.. I did not get this information from my sister in law.. I got this from the coroner officer. Who's looking after my brothers case.. my sister in law. And my two newphew s. Will not speak to me or mum... they turned there backs on us at the funeral... which hurt mum and my
    Self.... as I don't know what we have done.... Mum can not get over what has happened.... she wants to know more..... which I don't have the answer to....... the officer said that they would come and talk mum. After the inquest.. they are not allowed. To say anything until after....... no sign of one yet....... but try and explain to mum. She takes so much in. And then blanks everything I have said.....writing this thorough lots of tears.... i wish the clock was turned back.... I just don't know what to do. Oh by the way my sister in law and two newphews. Where invited to dad's funeral. They never turned up. And I know they got the message. That's a other thing Mum and dad have to grandsons.
    And they have never seen them for the last ten years. They are both in there late twenty now..... so forgive me. I just want to cry more....my heart is breaking.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,237
    Female
    South coast
    I realise that you have been telling her about her son and she probably seems to take it in and understand it at the time, but if she keeps asking where her son is, then that shows that she is not retaining any of it and it makes her upset all over again. Thats why I suggested love lies.
     
  6. Jaff

    Jaff Registered User

    Mar 28, 2016
    95
    Oh ok canary. Thank you did not think of that... I am very grateful
    Thank you. X hug. X
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,237
    Female
    South coast
    I do hope you are feeling better soon. Its so sad when there is a rift in the family and you have had so much loss recently. Can you find ways of doing things for yourself? You count too you know.
    (((hugs))))
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,927
    Yorkshire
    Hi Jaff
    I agree with canary - maybe next time give your mum an explanation that she can accept, linked to what your brother did in the long ago past when he wasn't able to see her at home - eg he's away playing/watching football; he's popped off to see (a relative far away); he's fixing that bike again, will it ever work; he's pathetic, he's got man flu .... - then change the subject, distract her so she doesn't have time to fret - watch her reaction and if she accepts this kind of response, you have a way forward

    I think we all want to tell our parent the truth and share our sadness, however they sometimes aren't able to deal with things as they are, there's too much anxiety involved in processing reality, so go with 'love lies' if they work and something non-committal and distraction

    I'm sorry other family aren't around - we all deal with things so differently - dad has grandsons (all over 21); I'm told he adored them, so would want to help them out; I'm told they adore him ..... but don't want to see him as he is, they want to remember him as he was - that's life

    much sympathy and best wishes
     
  9. Jaff

    Jaff Registered User

    Mar 28, 2016
    95
    Need advice.

    I would like to know if I did the right thing. As it does not feel like it... Mum still in hospital. With her heart. And kidneys. She is up and down. Very hard the Dr. Says to get the treatment right.. now they have told me. That they might give her an op.. but that's not the problem.. she was having a bad day today. And every time I spoke. I got shouted at. Could not do anything right. She even banged on the table shouting at me... in front of people on the ward... so I went. Told the nurses. I was heartbroken.. did I do the right thing in. That I walked away from her.... she did the same two week ago. I just sat there..... I am sorry. I just could not take again... and now I feel guilty.. because I went.... I was hurt. Upset.. Mum is supposed to go and Lol see the surgeon. In a other hospital.. tomorrow. I will have to ring to see if she had gone.. do I go in and visit. Or leave to Thursday.. it's the shouting I can not take. What do you do?
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,237
    Female
    South coast
    I think you did the right thing by walking out jaff. You cant reason with dementia and if you cant distract, then removing yourself from the situation is the only thing left.

    I think your mum will be tired and confused after she has seen the surgeon, so I would probably not visit on that day, but phone up and see what happened.

    With dementia you are usually damned if you do and damned if you dont.
     
  11. Jaff

    Jaff Registered User

    Mar 28, 2016
    95
    Thanks

    Thank you canary. You where right. I rang this evening. Mum very tried. Going in to see her tomorrow. And thanks for the advice. I felt guilty walking away from her... now I feel a little better. A big hug. X


    !
     
  12. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,167
    Merseyside
    I think you did the right thing too.
     
  13. Jaff

    Jaff Registered User

    Mar 28, 2016
    95
    Goodbye my to friends

    With a very heavy heart. My mum passed away tonight.. I was with her she went very peaceful. I am in shock. Even though I knew it was coming. The last three months. Have not been to kind to her. She still could not get over my brother death in Jan.. then dad's in July... and now I have no one.. thanks all of you for your support.. I feel so lost.. again thank you. And goodbye xx
     
  14. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,927
    Yorkshire
    oh Jaff, how incredibly sad for you
    I'm glad for you that the two of you were together and your mum's end was peaceful
    no wonder you feel in shock; however much we expect it, losing our mum is momentous
    you are an amazing daughter and incredible woman; you've done all your family proud
    be gentle with yourself now
    as always, best wishes
     
  15. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Jaff, please accept my condolences. I can well imagine you are in shock. Please do look after yourself.
     
  16. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,948
    Ireland
    Oh my Jaff. I am so very sorry to hear that you've lost your Mum now too.
    You've been through so much and been so strong this last year.
    My heart breaks for you xxx
     
  17. Clueless2

    Clueless2 Registered User

    May 14, 2015
    34
    Dear Jaff,
    Such sad news. The huge sadness and loss of the last year or so must feel immense. Hold onto those happy memories, try not to dwell on the recent ones.

    When life has been desperate and low for me I have reminded myself that death and the great grief we experience is because we loved and were loved so much. Logic tells me that bereavement is a natural process, it's just that at times it seems beyond hope, but hang on in there.

    You have loved and supported your parents in a manner that many never even attempt, I hope that you can feel those on TP reaching out and supporting you still. Take care.
     
  18. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    537
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    So very sorry to hear your news, Jaff. You have been incredibly strong over a very tough journey these past few months. I wish you peace and continued strength in the days, weeks and months ahead.

    I hope, too, that you may come back and visit TP from time to time, to take some comfort from the wise words written here.

    My thoughts are with you at this sad time. xx
     
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,237
    Female
    South coast
    Oh jaff, I am so sorry. I have only just found this.
    You have had such a tough time with so much loss and I honestly do not know how you coped. You did everything you possibly could for both your mum and dad.

    Be gentle with yourself now and dont expect too much from yourself - it will take a while to come to terms with it all.

    BTW, you dont have to leave if you dont want to and TP can be of help. Many people start a new thread and find it helpful to recount their days. We may be only virtual friends, but we can still support you, if you wish.
    ((((hugs)))
     
  20. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    427
    I have just found this too. Sending my condolences to you and my admiration for how you have coped with all the trauma that has happened to your family. You have been amazing, and a huge comfort to your parents in their final days. They are at peace now and free of pain and you can take some comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could for them. Love and hugs on the way to you xx
     

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