I can't do this anymore

[cheesypete]

I apologise for the fairly dramatic title, but i've just had ANOTHER 60 min phone call (no, abuse session) from my mum and its pushed me to the brink

I'm a first time poster on here, but have been reading threads for a while - hi to everyone in what seems a wonderful forum!

These phone calls are getting more frequent in their nature, and whilst they seem to be borne of loneliness, my mum seems to think that firing this level of bile will make me ring / see her more often (ring her EVERY day and see her at least once every weekend.

The thing is, its always me that gets these phone calls / rants - she has care visits 3 x a day, meals on wheels and goes to local groups twice a week. I also have a brother who has remained standoffish for this whole period and yet (and am sure many of you suffer the same) never gets a bad word against him.

I feel better just getting things off my chest, but I dont think i can cope with this any more - i literally was shaking after this last conversation and on the verge of crying (but for a 46 year old man currently at work, I couldnt quite let go!)

Going back to my previous paragraph though, because no-one else sees / hears what i experience, no-one seems to be truly aware of the reality which makes it hard to put things in place. If loneliness is the key factor in her outbursts, i do feel that residential care is perhaps the best way forward as I certainly cant do much else (full time job / family etc)

Being able to self fund, i guess grants us some flexibility but ideally i'd like some sort of social service backing to help along the way - not financially, but evidentially in terms of what they feel is best. Is this something you think could be provided, or do i simply forge my own path based on what i can now sustain (in terms of my own time etc)

The problem is, because my mum is always "everythings ok" with everyone else, i worry that they think i'm making things up

Thanks all - feel bit better for that!

 

[AngeMorange]

Hi Cheesy, welcome to Talking Point!

I could have written your post a few weeks ago - unfortunately the people closest usually get all the abuse. My mum is particularly good at going into 'hostess mode' with other people!

After a few bad days I managed to get an emergency appointment with mum's consultant. After seeing her and listening to how lonely she was and frightened of living alone he then made a decision that residential care was required and I have now been linked in to Mental Health Social Work services who are helping us access a placement. He was also able to give mum some medication which has also helped.

We are in Northern Ireland where the system may be different but I think you need social services input asap. Self funding will give you more options - if you can, have a look around at what is on offer in the area.

Good luck on the journey and try not to be hard on yourself - we are all at breaking point most of the time

 

[cragmaid]

Hi, sorry you have had to find us and join us....but Joining us, is exactly what is happening....so many of us have had to deal with the same as you. I know you will get lots of support.
The one tool you need is an answer phone. Leave it on permanently and screen your calls. Choose when to answer and then when you do answer, if Mum starts being foul say " Sorry Mum. I am not going to be spoken like this. Bye" and hang up...walk away, eat a cream cake, drink another cup of coffee....anything but don't answer the phone.Unplug it if you want. Later, if you like, ring her as if it was the first time you had spoken that day, be light, make NO reference to her previous calls......and repeat as necessary.

It is soooo hard to thicken your skin, but it must be done, if you want to remain in contact but want to hang on to some sanity.

Good Luck. Maureen.

 

[fizzie]

You might also want to think about flexi care or extra care housing - there are some great schemes around but you would need to hunt a bit - our local council and housing association have this type of care and allocation is based on need not on circumstances - that varies around the country. So you can own a house for the first 6 months of the tenancy but then you have to sell. Everyone has their own flat and front door but there is a care team on site 24 hours 7 days a week - and you can buy in care as and when you need it. Most offer a lunch club and some activities on site too. It often gives people an extended time of independent living.
McCarthy and Stone run similar private schemes but you have to look for the ones with extra care and the care team on site. or http://www.retirementsecurity.co.uk/courts/bushmead-court/
as an example

Just a thought if it is a loneliness trigger

Good luck, keep posting

 

[Princess t]

Hi, sorry you have had to find us and join us....but Joining us, is exactly what is happening....so many of us have had to deal with the same as you. I know you will get lots of support.
The one tool you need is an answer phone. Leave it on permanently and screen your calls. Choose when to answer and then when you do answer, if Mum starts being foul say " Sorry Mum. I am not going to be spoken like this. Bye" and hang up...walk away, eat a cream cake, drink another cup of coffee....anything but don't answer the phone.Unplug it if you want. Later, if you like, ring her as if it was the first time you had spoken that day, be light, make NO reference to her previous calls......and repeat as necessary.

It is soooo hard to thicken your skin, but it must be done, if you want to remain in contact but want to hang on to some sanity.

Good Luck. Maureen.

Make an appointment with her doctor,, without your mom, tell them what's going on and see what they can do, her doc got social services involved.this is what we did with our mom, as she always appears to be fine with other people. I've been advised to keep a diary with what's going on then show doc. I hate my phone ringing and now I'm turning it off at 9pm every day as I have two sisters she could phone, good luck!

 

[Chemmy]

Extra care housing is a fantastic solution for those with physical disabilities, but, imo, is usually only an interim solution for anyone with dementia.

My MIL has thrived by moving into residential care and has had more of a social life in the last two years than in the previous two decades. She still grumbles, but that's her nature, and even those family members who were reluctant to take that big step now agree that it was the best decision for everyone.

 

[fizzie]

I've seen it work very well for people with dementia particularly in the early and moderate stages which can last several years. All I'm saying is that it is worth thinking about - with extra care on site it gives people the privacy they often crave and some people (like my Ma) hate being stuck in a large institution - horses for courses. Residential care is most definitely not the only option and in the future my bet is that it will be the least popular option for many people and more and more facilites are being built with the dual aspect of independence and care - thank goodness. I would absolutely agree that it is often not possible in the late stages of some dementias when a nursing home is the only option.

In some ways extra care housing mimics the situations that many live in with their families until the very late stages - I think it is a great option IF the environment is right and the management is good

 

[Chemmy]

I'm not dismissing extra care, just pointing out potential cons. It all depends on the individual. If they're going to be knocking on the others residents' doors because they want company and there's no one in the lounge, as so often seems to be the case, then it's not going to work. A lot depends on the attitude of the manager.

Funnily enough I scouted round a lovely CH, highly recommended, for my neighbour a couple of months ago ...and all the communal areas were empty, as the residents clearly preferred spending time in their rooms. That's why visits are so important. It can have the best CQC report in the world, but if your gut feeling says it isn't appropriate for your loved one, then it probably isn't.

 

[fizzie]

I agree Chemmy but there is always more than one route and I've seen so many people in early/mid dementia who are really unhappy in care homes - perhaps because they are not ready to make that move, that I think it is really important to show that there are alternatives. In some parts of the country there are independent living facilities being developed for people with dementia - that can only be a good thing for many people but there is no one size fits all as we know from our experiences and from the experiences others have shared. Sometimes temperament is a big factor in how well these things work - sometimes it is dictated by family and in other cases the dementia overrules everything

 

[fizzie]

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=1101&pageNumber=3
This might be helpful

 

[jasmineflower]

Hi CheeseyPete and welcome to TP.
You have already have some good ideas. You are among friends: the closest carers nearly always suffer the verbal abuse, sometimes physical too.

My suggestion would be for you to try to record the next abusive call so you can show your brother, GP etc what you have been putting up with.

 

[cheesypete]

Thank you so much to everyone who has been so kind to have posted a comment today - all are valuable at this time and I feel so much better having "brain dumped!"

I've used what little time i have had today (so difficult trying to concentrate, let alone try and work and then ring people) to speak to someone at our local authority who has pointed me in some useful directions.

I do like the idea of going through my mums GP so that may be the next logical step if nothing comes to fruition

 

[ellejay]

Hi Pete, if you do go via your mums GP, don't be embarrassed about having a long list of things.

When I first saw my mum's GP, I had 2 A4 sheets of bullet points outlining the problems. I didn't live close by at the time, so I sent these to him ahead of my appointment, then when I did see him he had a rough idea & could asked for more details.

I do sympathise about the phone calls. I think that is awful. My mum got to the stage of filling the answer machine if I was out, she would ring so often. Friends would have to use my mobile as they could never get through on the land line.

Good luck

Lin x

 

[LadyA]

Welcome to TP.
A friend of mine had this problem years ago with her mother - not just by phone. My friend was the only family member living close, and for a few years, she got horrific abuse daily from her mum. Finally, she sent her mum to stay for a couple of weeks with another daughter (my friend's sister) who couldn't see anything wrong with their mum, from a distance! Three days later, my friend got a frantic phone call from her sister, wanting to know "how long has mum been like this??! " - because their mum couldn't keep up appearances for very long, and the true situation had quickly shown itself.
I would also suggest that you try recording some of the calls from your mum. Not as "evidence against her", but because I know how unreal it can seem, when you try explaining the behaviour to someone who has only seen the person behaving perfectly normally. At one stage, I was asked "why would you say such things about your husband?! " because he was so highly thought of, highly educated, and at that point, still able to cover, in public, the problems he was having.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hi, Pete, (or do you prefer Cheesy?) and welcome to TP.

Lots of good advice here. I will leave it to the UK residents to make more specific suggestions about your social services system, but I have seen Age UK mentioned as a resource. I know Fizzie knows all about that.

I second the suggestions to talk to her GP and to send information in advance and/or have a private chat with the GP. If she hasn't given the doctor permission to talk to you, never fear, they can still listen to what you have to say. Do not hesitate to be as specific as possible and be sure to present worst case examples of symptoms and behaviours.

Regarding the phone calls, well, many of us have been there, and I am one of them. One of the hardest things I had to learn to do was not to answer the phone every time my mother called. In my case, I was getting multiple phone calls and sometimes the late night phone calls (she saved the abuse for the answerphone/answering machine). I used to cry every time the phone rang. Mercifully, the phone calls have eased up and I no longer burst into tears every time the phone rings.

If you have a search here on TP you will find threads about phone calls. What we did that worked was:
-got caller ID so we knew when she was calling
-got voicemail to replace the answering machine, so I didn't have to listen to her message as she left it
-forced myself not to answer every call
-had my husband field some of the calls (I am sorry to mention this as it sounds you are on your own--but you could daydream about forwarding all the calls to your invisible brother!)
-and I learned how to make the phone calls I did take shorter, or to disengage from them more

Some people get a dedicated mobile or landline number that they give only to the PWD (person with dementia) and record a message on it saying, Hi, Mum, I'm busy right now but I will call you soon, or something like that. Sometimes it helps the PWD just to hear your voice saying something reassuring.

I think that your instinct that your mother's dementia may have progressed to the point where she needs more care and company, is probably correct.

To digress a bit: my mother, while still living on her own, suffered from crippling anxiety, which was heartbreaking to watch. The only thing that helped it, was moving into the care home. In retrospect, I think she was fighting so hard to get through the bare minimum of daily life, and it was so stressful for her, that it was just overwhelming. Also, she was living in squalor, but that's another story. Now that she doesn't have to worry about shopping, paying bills, cleaning, cooking, laundry, et cetera, the anxiety is 95% better.

I am not saying you must move your mother into a care home today. I am just saying that the phone calls may be triggered by being alone, or anxiety, or fear. Perhaps there is additional day care or lunch clubs or other activities she can attend. Perhaps you can increase the carer visits. Perhaps you can try a live-in carer, or overnight sitter. Perhaps you can try a few weeks in respite to see if that makes a difference. Here in the States we have different sorts of care facilities and I am no expert on the choices in the UK, but it certainly can't hurt for you to know what the options are.

And for what it's worth, yes, the worst of the abuse tends to be directed at the person who is closest (geographically, emotionally, whatever). It is horrible and not fair. I agree with documenting this, not in an unkind way, but to protect yourself. I know that everyone on TP understands and believes you and hope that you will find that the professionals will believe you as well.

My mother is a champion at "hostess mode" or the art of the polite, surface interaction. She can keep it up for longer than most. A nurse told me once that the smarter/more verbal/more educated a person is, the better they are at "covering" when they get dementia. So I know what you mean, about worrying that others won't believe you. However, my mother did not fool any of the doctors in the hospital (when she had a crisis) and her neurologist can tell when she is deluded/confabulating, even without my cues to indicate the same to him.

That's a useful tip, by the way. At doctor's appointments, and other situations where I want to be able to communicate to the person without saying anything in front of my mother, I make sure to sit right next to her, facing the doctor or whomever, but move my chair back just a couple of inches so I am out of her line of peripheral vision. Then when she comes out with a delusion or plain crazy statement, I can use facial expressions and very subtle body language to clue the doctor/nurse/whomever in, that she is talking rubbish. This has worked well for me on many occasions so thought it might help you or someone else here.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[canary]

Hi Pete and welcome.
Everyone has given good advice, but I just thought I would raise a point. Can your mum still remember how to call you or is your number on speed dial (press 1 for Pete)?
If its on speed dial can you find some way of removing it?

 

[cheesypete]

Hi Pete and welcome.
Everyone has given good advice, but I just thought I would raise a point. Can your mum still remember how to call you or is your number on speed dial (press 1 for Pete)?
If its on speed dial can you find some way of removing it?

It is funny that you say that as I am "top of the list" of her speed dials (ie button 1)

Its been a tough week - after Tuesday when all this happened its been incessant argumentative phone calls at silly times, and yes, for the most part the initial call has come from her.

It is very tempting to remove myself from speed dial, but as I'm just about to post a new forum topic (rather than continuing this one) I may leave it for a bit. She has basically gone the other way and said she doesnt want to hear / see me again!