Hi,
My siblings and I are fast approaching the point where we feel our 93 year old mother who has recently been diagnosed with mixed dementia/alzheimers would be safer in a care home rather than living in her own home.
She has made it quite clear for many years that she would never want to go into a home, and we are sure she will be extremely distraught when we try to tell her of our concerns for her safety and what we feel would be best for her
I was hoping someone who has been in this situation themselves might have some helpful advice on how best to start/approach the conversation about placing her in a care home while trying to reduce the upset for my mother , my self and my brother and sister.
Hi, I'm a newbie here, but have been observing my 93 year old mother in law's dementia trajectory for a few years. It was easy to behave dispassionately in respect of her situation... Now my wife has a similar diagnosis, so the trajectory for her may (just may) be similar... But the reason for mentioning her is that she was mother in law's carer...
And that's an issue... In order that I can give adequate care to my wife, permit her to enjoy, perhaps two years or so of lucidity, enjoy life, I must divest her of the burden that caring for her mother is... (I know there are those who'll consider "burden" a poor word choice, and maybe it is... It's a Sisyphan (Sisyphus was the guy who was obliged to push a boulder up hill every day, only for it to roll down again before he reached the task's end) task, looking after a person who really doesn't benefit, whose cognitive and physical faculties can only (in general) decline... while the carer's quality of life declines until caring may no longer be possible... It's a no win situation... Mind you Sisyphus got the gig as a punishment... neither you nor my wife did...
My mother in law was taken into hospital a while back, because, left alone for a relatively short time, she rang 999 (not for the first time) because she had a panic attack due to having been alone for a while... She landed in hospital, and was then placed in a home to recuperate. She's doing well now, free from the diarrhoea that plagued her (poor personal hygiene at home, I think) and she's putting on weight, now... at just under 40kg... She's happy enough in the home, speaks to other "inmates" but forgets she has, frets a little about her house still, but less than she did... Every visit, same conversational topics, on a loop, nothing ever achieved, but, in my case, my wife's being denied the chance to live a good quality life. It's not selfish to want the best result for the person/s who can benefit most...
My advice, for what it's worth, is to do as others have suggested, use the "convalescence" subterfuge... Lying, which I instinctively avoided, isn't evil when done with good intent...
Has she been formally assessed for her decision making capacity?