I’m looking for some helpful advice

[Barry Waterman]

Hi,
My siblings and I are fast approaching the point where we feel our 93 year old mother who has recently been diagnosed with mixed dementia/alzheimers would be safer in a care home rather than living in her own home.
She has made it quite clear for many years that she would never want to go into a home, and we are sure she will be extremely distraught when we try to tell her of our concerns for her safety and what we feel would be best for her
I was hoping someone who has been in this situation themselves might have some helpful advice on how best to start/approach the conversation about placing her in a care home while trying to reduce the upset for my mother , my self and my brother and sister.

 

[nitram]

You could use subterfuge to divert blame from yourselves.
Arrange a review of something/well woman appointment with GP resulting in GP saying she is a bit run down and could do with a few days in a convalescent (a word she will recognise) home.
Depends a bit on GP, they need not actually tell her, they can tell you later and you pass advice on.

 

[Angel55]

Hi,
My siblings and I are fast approaching the point where we feel our 93 year old mother who has recently been diagnosed with mixed dementia/alzheimers would be safer in a care home rather than living in her own home.
She has made it quite clear for many years that she would never want to go into a home, and we are sure she will be extremely distraught when we try to tell her of our concerns for her safety and what we feel would be best for her
I was hoping someone who has been in this situation themselves might have some helpful advice on how best to start/approach the conversation about placing her in a care home while trying to reduce the upset for my mother , my self and my brother and sister.

Hello 💗

Welcome here. It is really really difficult since someone experiencing dementia cannot be reasoned with and often cannot see the extent of their own limitations living and coping alone or with maximum care in the community even . In our case a crisis came even though we tried so hard to prevent it. This resulted in emergency respite care and from there we managed to say that this was just until their operation had happened which was partly true.

I wish I could tell you that there was a way to reduce upset but I think it is really really hard and some upset is bound to be there whatever you do.

 

[SherwoodSue]

I would definitely say short term and convalescence and doctors orders.

It seems wrong to fib and wrong to go against someone’s wishes but this is the only way to keep them safe.

Big girl pants on

Wishing you well.

 

[RoyalOilfield]

Hi,
My siblings and I are fast approaching the point where we feel our 93 year old mother who has recently been diagnosed with mixed dementia/alzheimers would be safer in a care home rather than living in her own home.
She has made it quite clear for many years that she would never want to go into a home, and we are sure she will be extremely distraught when we try to tell her of our concerns for her safety and what we feel would be best for her
I was hoping someone who has been in this situation themselves might have some helpful advice on how best to start/approach the conversation about placing her in a care home while trying to reduce the upset for my mother , my self and my brother and sister.

Hi, I'm a newbie here, but have been observing my 93 year old mother in law's dementia trajectory for a few years. It was easy to behave dispassionately in respect of her situation... Now my wife has a similar diagnosis, so the trajectory for her may (just may) be similar... But the reason for mentioning her is that she was mother in law's carer...

And that's an issue... In order that I can give adequate care to my wife, permit her to enjoy, perhaps two years or so of lucidity, enjoy life, I must divest her of the burden that caring for her mother is... (I know there are those who'll consider "burden" a poor word choice, and maybe it is... It's a Sisyphan (Sisyphus was the guy who was obliged to push a boulder up hill every day, only for it to roll down again before he reached the task's end) task, looking after a person who really doesn't benefit, whose cognitive and physical faculties can only (in general) decline... while the carer's quality of life declines until caring may no longer be possible... It's a no win situation... Mind you Sisyphus got the gig as a punishment... neither you nor my wife did...

My mother in law was taken into hospital a while back, because, left alone for a relatively short time, she rang 999 (not for the first time) because she had a panic attack due to having been alone for a while... She landed in hospital, and was then placed in a home to recuperate. She's doing well now, free from the diarrhoea that plagued her (poor personal hygiene at home, I think) and she's putting on weight, now... at just under 40kg... She's happy enough in the home, speaks to other "inmates" but forgets she has, frets a little about her house still, but less than she did... Every visit, same conversational topics, on a loop, nothing ever achieved, but, in my case, my wife's being denied the chance to live a good quality life. It's not selfish to want the best result for the person/s who can benefit most...

My advice, for what it's worth, is to do as others have suggested, use the "convalescence" subterfuge... Lying, which I instinctively avoided, isn't evil when done with good intent...

Has she been formally assessed for her decision making capacity?

 

[Collywobbles]

You need to remember that you have reached the point where what your lovely Mum absolutely needs, now outweighs what she dearly wants.

Sadly the ‘love lies’ are usually the best way forward. You’ll be acting to keep her safe and as well as possible. It’s terribly hard, but try to give yourself grace for taking positive but difficult action.