Husband's bad attitude - advice please

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by MReader, May 13, 2014.

  1. MReader

    MReader Registered User

    Apr 30, 2011
    #1 MReader, May 13, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2014
    My husband has become VERY critical & nasty - not only to me but about other people & things also. Even people on the TV whom he doesn't know.
    He can only see the bad in things or people & is very quick to share his dreadful ideas.
    Everybody is either fat or ugly or common and his racial attitude is truly awful. He keeps telling me that all 'foreigners should be chucked out' so England can become English again.
    Tonight I was disgusted when he referred to some non-white people on the TV as *******. (Sorry if this is unacceptable on TP)
    He sees nothing wrong in his attitude or words.
    I am finding this part of his dementia VERY difficult & upsetting - it started about 4 years now (when he had a stroke which led to dementia) & is getting worse as his dementia progresses.
    It is also very depressing to live with someone so negative.
    I am worried about taking him out now as he always seems to upset somebody with his comments.
    Does anybody have any experience of this sort of attitude & any ideas about how to cope please? I am desperate.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It is so upsetting and hurtful when dementia reaches this stage. I can well understand how depressing you find it.

    Do you get any respite of breaks during the day? You really do need some time to yourself to give you a rest.

    I hope your husband `grows` out of this stage very soon.
  3. yannichols

    yannichols Account Closed

    May 13, 2014
    Sorry to hear that. I can only imagine the situation you are in. I hope everything will be okay. Have you talk to him about how you feel about his attitude?
  4. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    have you spoken to his doctor or the memory clinic about his behaviour? My husband was like this, but thankfully (?) only to me - telling me on a daily basis that if I didn't like living with him, I could f... off and he would be more than happy, I didn't own anything apparently, so couldn't take anything with me, and 'he' owned the house. We had owned and worked together in a business most of our married life (46 years), but that counted for nothing. Very hurtful! When I mentioned this to his GP he put him on Haloperidol and he has not been as vitriolic. He has only mentioned me leaving twice since he started the medication in January:)
    Good luck - it is very hard living with this disease - especially when that loving man you married is suddenly taken over by his alter-ego
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I am so sorry - this is so hard for you. If he makes awkward comments when you are out, could you keep a card in your pocket which you could try to show people without him seeing? Saying e.g., 'I'm sorry, my husband has dementia, he can't help it.' Some people find this helpful.

    Mind you this sort of thing is not confined to dementia - my OH had an old aunt who would make extremely loud and very rude comments as she got older - fat, common, ANOTHER BLACK - THIS PLACE IS GETTING FULL OF THEM!
    I was forever cringing.
  6. jellyfish

    jellyfish Registered User

    Apr 30, 2014
    West Midlands
    My husband went through a similar phase and it was awful. He kept swearing in front of our young daughter about things and people that now offended him. He would never have done this before his illness began and I couldn't do anything to stop it or distract him from it. I did try and explain the reasons for this behaviour quietly to others out of earshot of my husband but its hard.

    Fortunately for us it was a phase that did pass and our daughter who is now 12 said she just ignored it when I discussed it with her afterwards.

    Maybe ignoring it was what I should have done but I found it very difficult and have some idea of your distress. I hope this phase passes soon.

    Kindest wishes
  7. JigJog

    JigJog Registered User

    Nov 6, 2013
    Hi MReader,

    My husband is exactly the same.

    He too will criticise people out loud in public. I have to make sure that we sit right at the back of the bus and then his comments criticising other people getting on the bus, aren't so likely to be heard. He says that they are fat, ugly, going to die because they smoke etc.

    Similarly people on TV are criticised. My husband's comments are racist and I get particularly upset when people have died and he laughs out loud. He has also laughed at friends who have told us of bad news.

    It's not easy and you feel on edge when you go out, I agree.

    I empathise with you and am just hoping that this phase will pass quickly.

    Living with someone so negative and critical is depressing.
  8. MReader

    MReader Registered User

    Apr 30, 2011
    Thanks for all your support - it helps to know that I am not alone with this situation. :)
  9. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    MOH is just the same, he is verbally aggressive, using foul language. As has been said he can appear normal and charming to outsiders, BUT recently has become aggressive with complete strangers.

    I can often see what has triggered these outbursts, but usually it would have gone without comment, not anymore. I am worried that one day someone will hit him, what then ?

    He was a well rounded normal individual before this dementia hit, as a retired police officer, he had to keep any emotions in check, and deal with any situation, but that man has gone sadly, and I'm left with someone I am not used to.

    What can you do? not much as I see it, I married over forty years ago and swore I would always love him, but circumstances alter cases, I guess I'll just have to put up with it.
  10. caz r

    caz r Registered User

    May 12, 2014
    my mums the same shes got vascular dementia doesn't care what shes says. Did it at the hospital last week stating on a young girls fashion and saying look at the state of that. Luckily the girl didn't hear her, well I hope she didn't. I just told my mum to shush, then she looked at me gone out and like whats your problem. It is very hard you feel like cringing and wanting the ground to open open and swallow you. So no you are not on your own. This desease is awful, my mum was a quiet person and wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to anyone x
  11. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    Mum was dreadfully racist and if I told her off she would roll her eyes and tell me all her friends said things like that, it was the norm. She calls everyone fat, (insert racist comment) or mental or all three! :eek::eek:
  12. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    #12 Katrine, May 14, 2014
    Last edited: May 14, 2014
    All her friends said things like that when they were 12 and sometimes she is back at that age emotionally. It's horrible when someone you love does this. It shakes your trust in their fundamental values, and even makes you wonder if you really know them when all that nastiness is bubbling up from somewhere.

    I've read explanations about which bits of the brain are damaged to cause this behaviour but that doesn't help me deal with my feelings and reactions. I prefer to think in metaphor. I imagine the person processing what they experience through a leaky social filter, where great chunks of primitive and instinctual reactions are getting to the surface without being broken into little pieces and sugar coated with learned social behaviour and manners.

    When I think of some of the things I do in my dreams :eek: The unconscious me knows how to bypass manners and morals to satisfy my emotional needs. Presumably in sleep the brain works more at factory settings without societal apps? I wanted to be a pirate or a Viking when I was 10 and my sleep personality continues to be a female version of Indiana Jones, mixed with Sarah Connor, veering occasionally towards Margaret Lockwood in Wicked Lady.
  13. paulineanna

    paulineanna Registered User

    Oct 25, 2013
    west Lancashire
    My husband is also VERY critical about people he sees, very often neighbours and people on the tele then goes on and on about what he "thinks" he has seen or heard always in the negative. He also sees danger in lots of situations where there is none.
    - It is hard to live with someone who is sooooooo negative - up to a point I have learned to live with it - mostly by ignoring what is being said - up to now he isn't like that in public but he will start talking to complete strangers about nothing in particular and it does make you careful as to where to go just for a change of scenery. I have stopped watching much news on the tele as he always misunderstands what is being said, he used to love football now "nobody understands the rules" they all want sending off etc etc, so don't watch that anymore either. He was a person who would do anything for anyone but now "everyone wants something for nothing"...
    As you say it's hard living with someone you feel you don't know anymore.

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