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Husband not admitting there's a problem

christyj-

Registered User
Jan 3, 2022
19
0
You are so right, I have exactly the same situation as you. My husband is an angry stranger, as long as he doesn't have to think or do anything he is moderately happy, but he is completely unaware of how much I now do, every bill, every meal, every chore I now do whilst he reads all day. If I remind him about things he says 'I may have dementia but I'm not stupid', if I don't remind him he says 'How can you expect me to remember I have dementia', this twisted thinking is constant and I feel like I am going mad!! I pray that this does not go on for years, life would not be worth living.
I've certainly heard the 'I'm not stupid!' remark, alongside the 'how can you expect me to remember?' or 'why didn't you remind me' It's absolutely maddening. The disease is always changing, and I hope you find some peace along the way, or at least a method that helps you to deal with it calmly. Life is still worth living, and you will find a way through it. I feel exactly the same, and I hope it's not a long ordeal for any of us.
 

christyj-

Registered User
Jan 3, 2022
19
0
Christy, you seem to be able to read my mind and see my situation so clearly. You're right, it does help to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. I'm trying to look after myself, I know if I'm ok I can deal with things much better. You take care too. Thanks for taking time to respond. This group is such a help. Xx💙💙
Absolutely! You will have moments of calm and those are the ones to cherish. Always here to chat :)
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
782
0
Unfortunately, other people who only have short interactions with the PWD just don't see the extent of his/her impairment. They might find him/her a bit odd but have no idea that this is the tip of a big iceberg of cognitive decline. I am supporting an elderly friend. Her closest relative lives abroad and after her first visit for almost two years she declared that my friend is just like any other 91 year old. Chatting about the past and the relative's large family for one afternoon does not give an accurate picture of what she is likely. She simply couldn't manage without help. It's the basic planning, organising and problem-solving that go early on, often before significant memory problems become apparent. For example, my friend might receive an appointment letter. She will understand it and make some notes on the letter but won't be able to organise transport there and back, change the appointment if it's not suitable or remember when it is.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
151
0
Unfortunately, other people who only have short interactions with the PWD just don't see the extent of his/her impairment. They might find him/her a bit odd but have no idea that this is the tip of a big iceberg of cognitive decline. I am supporting an elderly friend. Her closest relative lives abroad and after her first visit for almost two years she declared that my friend is just like any other 91 year old. Chatting about the past and the relative's large family for one afternoon does not give an accurate picture of what she is likely. She simply couldn't manage without help. It's the basic planning, organising and problem-solving that go early on, often before significant memory problems become apparent. For example, my friend might receive an appointment letter. She will understand it and make some notes on the letter but won't be able to organise transport there and back, change the appointment if it's not suitable or remember when it is.
I completely agree, it's so frustrating. My husband's family have an occasional phone call for 5 minutes and think he's fine. As you say it's the executive function that goes and the only things my husband can do now is eat, wash and do small walks with the dogs. The fact that others can't see it makes it even lonelier for the carer.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
151
0
I've certainly heard the 'I'm not stupid!' remark, alongside the 'how can you expect me to remember?' or 'why didn't you remind me' It's absolutely maddening. The disease is always changing, and I hope you find some peace along the way, or at least a method that helps you to deal with it calmly. Life is still worth living, and you will find a way through it. I feel exactly the same, and I hope it's not a long ordeal for any of us.
Yes it's really tough, look after yourself xx
 

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
45
0
It's exactly the same for me. We aren't on our own, but it sure feels like it sometimes. Is it terrible to say that I hate my husband sometimes? He is so horrible to me, especially if I try to suggest he visit the doctors for a check-up. He swears at me and gets really nasty. I feel guilty for hating him but he is just not the person I used to know. It doesn't help that we haven't really got on for years, but we rubbed along and most of the time it was ok, with him working and playing golf and darts and me looking after the home and the grand-children, to help my daughter and her partner out. Now, he doesn't do anything for leisure and is not doing much work - he's self employed - and I am so worried because our money is going down and there's not much coming in. I'm looking for something part - time to fit around the grand-children (I really don't want to give up looking after them, as not only would it make things very difficult for my daughter, but I love having them, they are one of the few things that give me real joy these days), but at 60 and not able to drive and no real qualifications it's not easy. I am so worried but he just doesn't understand. He lies to me a lot and I just don't know what to believe anymore. Like you, I have wondered if I'm reading too much into things, but I know I'm not. He almost certainly has dementia. I can't believe that life has come to this. When I see other couples doing things together and having fun, surprising each other with nice gifts etc. I feel so envious. He's never really been the romantic type or had a lot of empathy but there is nothing now except scowls. He sleeps an awful lot too, which I suppose gives me a break but I can't help feeling what a waste of a life, he's only 64 in March. It's heart breaking. I feel you pain. (Sorry for the rant!).
 

christyj-

Registered User
Jan 3, 2022
19
0
It's exactly the same for me. We aren't on our own, but it sure feels like it sometimes. Is it terrible to say that I hate my husband sometimes? He is so horrible to me, especially if I try to suggest he visit the doctors for a check-up. He swears at me and gets really nasty. I feel guilty for hating him but he is just not the person I used to know. It doesn't help that we haven't really got on for years, but we rubbed along and most of the time it was ok, with him working and playing golf and darts and me looking after the home and the grand-children, to help my daughter and her partner out. Now, he doesn't do anything for leisure and is not doing much work - he's self employed - and I am so worried because our money is going down and there's not much coming in. I'm looking for something part - time to fit around the grand-children (I really don't want to give up looking after them, as not only would it make things very difficult for my daughter, but I love having them, they are one of the few things that give me real joy these days), but at 60 and not able to drive and no real qualifications it's not easy. I am so worried but he just doesn't understand. He lies to me a lot and I just don't know what to believe anymore. Like you, I have wondered if I'm reading too much into things, but I know I'm not. He almost certainly has dementia. I can't believe that life has come to this. When I see other couples doing things together and having fun, surprising each other with nice gifts etc. I feel so envious. He's never really been the romantic type or had a lot of empathy but there is nothing now except scowls. He sleeps an awful lot too, which I suppose gives me a break but I can't help feeling what a waste of a life, he's only 64 in March. It's heart breaking. I feel you pain. (Sorry for the rant!).
My mum (and I!) feel exactly the same about my dad. Before he got his diagnosis, he really struggled with work(and got us in a lot of debt!) as he was self employed too. Mum had to really scrimp to get by, and as a result, she feels very resentful towards him. If you can, certainly look into getting benefits to help you out. Don't feel bad for how you feel, it's so easy to feel guilty because they have a disease and we should feel sorry for them. But it's not that straight forward. I know I don't have a lot of loving feelings towards my dad, I only really care for him out of duty. If you were not getting along before, then thats totally valid and your feelings shouldn't have to change for him because of it. I think if my mum had had more warning for his dementia, she may have considered leaving him before it all kicked off. So you are not alone! Chances are he may never understand why you're worried, and will live in complete denial like my dad. So, if you ever get a chance to get him to the doctors (even for something minor) jump on the chance to talk to the GP and hopefully get the ball rolling. Ultimately you need to put yourself first though, if hes getting nasty, please talk to someone about it. You shouldn't have to deal with that.
 

Longsuffering

New member
Jan 14, 2022
8
0
I don't know what to do. I've been worried about my oh for a few years now. (maybe 4Y) at 1st I talked to him about seeing a doctor and he was worried and said he would think about it. Some time later when I asked if he'd though he got angry and shut the conversation down. Things seemed to stay the same for a long time and I learnt to live with it, thinking it might just be age. (he 73 now). Recently he has got worse, other people are asking me if he's OK, and it's becoming noticeable how he's changed. I decided last year I had to let him know how bad it was so I kept telling him when he'd forgotten something or got things mixed up. He then told a friend I was trying to make him beleive he was loosing it. He said later it was a joke. Then he said I accused him of having dementia. He has always been an exteerly capable man, very hard working and fit. His attitude is doctors are for weak people. 2/3 months ago I noticed things have got much worse, I've tried to just be a support and help, but his problems have never been mentioned. I feel they can't be ignored any longer but when I try to bring the subject up I can't seem to find the words, what to say, he seems to think what's happening is normal and it's far from it. Have I covered up too much? Have I reassured him too much? Oh god I can see the future and I'm so scared.
Hi Newanne just seen you message on the Dementia forum, I’m a new member and your letter is just exactly what is happening to my husband right and it’s just awful have been to see the Doctor and he is going to ring my husband next week to come in for an acessment at the point of writing I don’t know if he will go or not , but I had to do something as coping badly this has been going on a few years now I just wondered how have you got on? I feel for you and hope by now you and your husband are getting the support and help you need x
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
44
0
clitheroe
Hi Newanne just seen you message on the Dementia forum, I’m a new member and your letter is just exactly what is happening to my husband right and it’s just awful have been to see the Doctor and he is going to ring my husband next week to come in for an acessment at the point of writing I don’t know if he will go or not , but I had to do something as coping badly this has been going on a few years now I just wondered how have you got on? I feel for you and hope by now you and your husband are getting the support and help you need x
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
44
0
clitheroe
Hello long suffering, sounds like you are in a very stressful situation. Hope you get your oh to the doctors.
To answer you question, how are we getting on, well, he's very quiet with me, he is cross that I have left brass band and I just can't tell him why, not that he's ask. I'm feeling a lot calmer, sad, scarred, angry but able to cope at the moment. Just getting through one day at a time. Hope you're looking after yourself.
 

Longsuffering

New member
Jan 14, 2022
8
0
Hello long suffering, sounds like you are in a very stressful situation. Hope you get your oh to the doctors.
To answer you question, how are we getting on, well, he's very quiet with me, he is cross that I have left brass band and I just can't tell him why, not that he's ask. I'm feeling a lot calmer, sad, scarred, angry but able to cope at the moment. Just getting through one day at a time. Hope you're looking after yourself.
New Anne Thanks for answering Doctor gave me something more for my bloodpressure and put my anti depressant up said he would try and gave me some help( my husband didn’t know why so went to the Doctor ) just that I wasn’t feeling well he didn’t think there is anything wrong with him thinks I’m trying to get rid of him , so I really hope the Doctor can persuade him to come down and he didn’t get nasty with me for telling the Doctor I’m praying all goes well glad your managing at the moment and keeping calm I think once he is diagnosed I can relax a bit knowing it’s out in the open and we can get on with life His sister had it she is dead now and his brother has it and is at the stage of being aggressive so my sister in law is looking for a care home for him He is in England I’m in Northern Ireland trying not to think of this progression that the Doctor will give him something to slow it down best wishes x
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
151
0
It's exactly the same for me. We aren't on our own, but it sure feels like it sometimes. Is it terrible to say that I hate my husband sometimes? He is so horrible to me, especially if I try to suggest he visit the doctors for a check-up. He swears at me and gets really nasty. I feel guilty for hating him but he is just not the person I used to know. It doesn't help that we haven't really got on for years, but we rubbed along and most of the time it was ok, with him working and playing golf and darts and me looking after the home and the grand-children, to help my daughter and her partner out. Now, he doesn't do anything for leisure and is not doing much work - he's self employed - and I am so worried because our money is going down and there's not much coming in. I'm looking for something part - time to fit around the grand-children (I really don't want to give up looking after them, as not only would it make things very difficult for my daughter, but I love having them, they are one of the few things that give me real joy these days), but at 60 and not able to drive and no real qualifications it's not easy. I am so worried but he just doesn't understand. He lies to me a lot and I just don't know what to believe anymore. Like you, I have wondered if I'm reading too much into things, but I know I'm not. He almost certainly has dementia. I can't believe that life has come to this. When I see other couples doing things together and having fun, surprising each other with nice gifts etc. I feel so envious. He's never really been the romantic type or had a lot of empathy but there is nothing now except scowls. He sleeps an awful lot too, which I suppose gives me a break but I can't help feeling what a waste of a life, he's only 64 in March. It's heart breaking. I feel you pain. (Sorry for the rant!).
Oh no @despseratejan23 - This is a mirror of what I have been through. OH has been verbally aggressive and abusive, he has assaulted me twice and I can say I can't stand him. OH was also self employed, in the last 10 years he earned very little whilst I worked as much as possible and helped with grandchildren. He refused to give up work and he got into a lot of debt which I am now paying off. The work was no more than an ego boost for him while expected me to work for peanuts (He said he wouldn't get out of bed for £9 per hour) We finally got a diagnosis 15 months ago after about 5 or 6 years of deterioration, but the damage was done to our relationship and I can never forgive him. He is on Memantine now and less aggressive, but he will argue over everything and then tell me I'm making trouble!! Yesterday I asked him if he could close kitchen cupboard doors when he has finished - he refused and accused me of control. I am 64 and feel my life is over, I am so stressed I feel that I cannot go on like this but due to debt don't know what I can do. Talking to others on TP does make things easier and it is so good to know we are not alone.
 

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
45
0
My mum (and I!) feel exactly the same about my dad. Before he got his diagnosis, he really struggled with work(and got us in a lot of debt!) as he was self employed too. Mum had to really scrimp to get by, and as a result, she feels very resentful towards him. If you can, certainly look into getting benefits to help you out. Don't feel bad for how you feel, it's so easy to feel guilty because they have a disease and we should feel sorry for them. But it's not that straight forward. I know I don't have a lot of loving feelings towards my dad, I only really care for him out of duty. If you were not getting along before, then thats totally valid and your feelings shouldn't have to change for him because of it. I think if my mum had had more warning for his dementia, she may have considered leaving him before it all kicked off. So you are not alone! Chances are he may never understand why you're worried, and will live in complete denial like my dad. So, if you ever get a chance to get him to the doctors (even for something minor) jump on the chance to talk to the GP and hopefully get the ball rolling. Ultimately you need to put yourself first though, if hes getting nasty, please talk to someone about it. You shouldn't have to deal with that.
Thanks for your reply. It is so hard and I feel so out of my depth. Miraculously, after a big row on the weekend he's agreed to see the doctor. I phoned this morning and I'm currently waiting for a doctor to call back. I'm glad, but terrified at the same time. My husband is in debt too, which seems to go back to before he was showing any signs of illness, which I only found out about by accident two years ago, so I can sympathise with you and your Mum, I feel the same resentment. I feel as if everything is collapsing around me. Thank you for replying, even though I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. Wish me luck with the doctor. 🙏 x
 

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
45
0
Oh no @despseratejan23 - This is a mirror of what I have been through. OH has been verbally aggressive and abusive, he has assaulted me twice and I can say I can't stand him. OH was also self employed, in the last 10 years he earned very little whilst I worked as much as possible and helped with grandchildren. He refused to give up work and he got into a lot of debt which I am now paying off. The work was no more than an ego boost for him while expected me to work for peanuts (He said he wouldn't get out of bed for £9 per hour) We finally got a diagnosis 15 months ago after about 5 or 6 years of deterioration, but the damage was done to our relationship and I can never forgive him. He is on Memantine now and less aggressive, but he will argue over everything and then tell me I'm making trouble!! Yesterday I asked him if he could close kitchen cupboard doors when he has finished - he refused and accused me of control. I am 64 and feel my life is over, I am so stressed I feel that I cannot go on like this but due to debt don't know what I can do. Talking to others on TP does make things easier and it is so good to know we are not alone.
JaxG, It's a nightmare isn't it? I'm trying to look after myself so I can cope better but I have no appetite and I'm sleeping badly. The worry is overwhelming. I can empathise that you feel your life is over, because the future fills me with dread at the moment. Life is going to be so much harder. How we'll manage financially, I have no idea. We have never claimed benefits and I feel ashamed that I will probably have to resort to that. I'm looking for some work, but there's not much for someone my age without experience. I also look after my Grandchildren and love doing it. When you are trying to keep on top of everything, and keep sane at the same time while they treat you as if you are the problem, it is soul destroying. It's like walking on eggshells because the most innocent thing I say can make him angry and defensive. Like you said about the cupboard doors, we have the same sort of scenario on a regular basis. I feel like I want to run away 😢 Thank you for replying and I hope things improve for us soon. Keep your chin up and remember that you have to try to look after yourself first. Have you tried speaking to Citizen's Advice about help with the debt? It's on my list of things to do. I'm waiting for the doctor to get back to me now, as OH has finally agreed to seeing a doctor. This all started about 4 years ago, and the last two have been hell, especially through lockdown. It's a wonder we have any doors left, he's slammed them so often! Hopefully I'll get something done now. Sending a hug. x
 

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
45
0
Oh I can see you are in a very difficult position. Wish I had some answers, "just do this" or, "just do that". Unfortunately there are no easy answers here and it's a lonely road we find ourselves on. You may be able to get some help from cab regarding the business, also there are community support workers, I think they are attached to you gp but not sure. I got some help when I rang and spoke to the mental health nurse. Oh wish I could take you out for a coffee and chat, hope you have someone to help you through this. Sending love 💙💙. Oh and please please please make sure you look after yourself. X
Newanne, thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. I am trying to look after myself, as the last thing I need is to be ill. It is difficult when I'm permanently stressed though. Doing my best! x
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
151
0
JaxG, It's a nightmare isn't it? I'm trying to look after myself so I can cope better but I have no appetite and I'm sleeping badly. The worry is overwhelming. I can empathise that you feel your life is over, because the future fills me with dread at the moment. Life is going to be so much harder. How we'll manage financially, I have no idea. We have never claimed benefits and I feel ashamed that I will probably have to resort to that. I'm looking for some work, but there's not much for someone my age without experience. I also look after my Grandchildren and love doing it. When you are trying to keep on top of everything, and keep sane at the same time while they treat you as if you are the problem, it is soul destroying. It's like walking on eggshells because the most innocent thing I say can make him angry and defensive. Like you said about the cupboard doors, we have the same sort of scenario on a regular basis. I feel like I want to run away 😢 Thank you for replying and I hope things improve for us soon. Keep your chin up and remember that you have to try to look after yourself first. Have you tried speaking to Citizen's Advice about help with the debt? It's on my list of things to do. I'm waiting for the doctor to get back to me now, as OH has finally agreed to seeing a doctor. This all started about 4 years ago, and the last two have been hell, especially through lockdown. It's a wonder we have any doors left, he's slammed them so often! Hopefully I'll get something done now. Sending a hug. x
Your situation is so similar to mine and it seems the dementia is affecting you other half in a similar way - walking on eggshells, blaming you for everything, getting angry over the most mundane comments, it's hard to take. We did a debt management programme, I did manage to get a credit card in husband's name written off due to the dementia so maybe this is something you might be able to do. We also claim Attendance Allowance and Carers Allowance, plus we get a reduction in council tax - all this is possible once you get a diagnosis. Don't feel bad if you need to claim benefits, this is what you pay your taxes for. I also feel like running away but know that he is ill and after 40 years my conscience won't let me. You are not alone and just knowing that others feel the same makes it easier. Good luck with the doctor, let me know how you get on. xx
 

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
45
0
Th
Your situation is so similar to mine and it seems the dementia is affecting you other half in a similar way - walking on eggshells, blaming you for everything, getting angry over the most mundane comments, it's hard to take. We did a debt management programme, I did manage to get a credit card in husband's name written off due to the dementia so maybe this is something you might be able to do. We also claim Attendance Allowance and Carers Allowance, plus we get a reduction in council tax - all this is possible once you get a diagnosis. Don't feel bad if you need to claim benefits, this is what you pay your taxes for. I also feel like running away but know that he is ill and after 40 years my conscience won't let me. You are not alone and just knowing that others feel the same makes it easier. Good luck with the doctor, let me know how you get on. xx

Your situation is so similar to mine and it seems the dementia is affecting you other half in a similar way - walking on eggshells, blaming you for everything, getting angry over the most mundane comments, it's hard to take. We did a debt management programme, I did manage to get a credit card in husband's name written off due to the dementia so maybe this is something you might be able to do. We also claim Attendance Allowance and Carers Allowance, plus we get a reduction in council tax - all this is possible once you get a diagnosis. Don't feel bad if you need to claim benefits, this is what you pay your taxes for. I also feel like running away but know that he is ill and after 40 years my conscience won't let me. You are not alone and just knowing that others feel the same makes it easier. Good luck with the doctor, let me know how you get on. xx
Thanks, I will. He's got blood tests tomorrow and an appointment with the doctor next week. x
 

christyj-

Registered User
Jan 3, 2022
19
0
Thanks for your reply. It is so hard and I feel so out of my depth. Miraculously, after a big row on the weekend he's agreed to see the doctor. I phoned this morning and I'm currently waiting for a doctor to call back. I'm glad, but terrified at the same time. My husband is in debt too, which seems to go back to before he was showing any signs of illness, which I only found out about by accident two years ago, so I can sympathise with you and your Mum, I feel the same resentment. I feel as if everything is collapsing around me. Thank you for replying, even though I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. Wish me luck with the doctor. 🙏 x
I'm so glad you've managed to make a break through. Sometimes those big arguments lift a weight off your shoulders, as I'm sure you've been holding everything in until that point. I hope you get the answers you need from the doctors, make sure to pester them if you ever feel fobbed off, as some things get lost in communication. No I agree, even though I wouldn't wish this on my enemy, it makes such a difference knowing you aren't the only one going through it. Stay strong!