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Husband not admitting there's a problem

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
782
0
Newanne, it's sad that you have to give up the band but I think that it's the right decision in the circumstances. You will need to be very clear with the other band members that they are not to approach you if there are problems with your husband because getting involved causes both of you a great deal of distress. I would tell the band members that you know that your husband has some kind of problem which he refuses to face up to and that it is now time for them to appoint a new organiser. Be firm and tell them that they will have to speak to your husband about this. You have enough on your plate.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
271
0
@Newanne I’ve not seen this thread before. Such a common problem! I can’t remember how I finally got my mum to agree to see a dr about her memory, but it took years.

You’ve possibly already seen the Compassionate Communication guide, but I’ll put a link here just in case. I found I had been doing all the “don’ts”, trying to get her to admit there was a problem. It might help anyone else who’s new and reading this thread. it’s not possible (or even necessary) to stick to it 100%, but it can be helpful.

 

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
45
0
I don't know what to do. I've been worried about my oh for a few years now. (maybe 4Y) at 1st I talked to him about seeing a doctor and he was worried and said he would think about it. Some time later when I asked if he'd though he got angry and shut the conversation down. Things seemed to stay the same for a long time and I learnt to live with it, thinking it might just be age. (he 73 now). Recently he has got worse, other people are asking me if he's OK, and it's becoming noticeable how he's changed. I decided last year I had to let him know how bad it was so I kept telling him when he'd forgotten something or got things mixed up. He then told a friend I was trying to make him beleive he was loosing it. He said later it was a joke. Then he said I accused him of having dementia. He has always been an exteerly capable man, very hard working and fit. His attitude is doctors are for weak people. 2/3 months ago I noticed things have got much worse, I've tried to just be a support and help, but his problems have never been mentioned. I feel they can't be ignored any longer but when I try to bring the subject up I can't seem to find the words, what to say, he seems to think what's happening is normal and it's far from it. Have I covered up too much? Have I reassured him too much? Oh god I can see the future and I'm so scared.
I am in the same boat. My husband first started behaving oddly about three years ago, and from time to time I have suggested a check-up at the doctors, but he won't go and says that there's nothing wrong with him. His memory is getting worse and the problem is, he is still going to work. He's self-employed and work is drying up as people are obviously noticing that he's not really competent. We have no other income and hardly any savings, plus he is in debt, which I found out about by accident two years ago. I was devastated and now it feels like he's leaving me to cope with it all. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm terrified. I have no idea how to wind up his business and we won't be able to claim anything if he hasn't had a diagnosis. Every time he says or does something odd, my stomach flips. I'm really worried about paying bills etc. I really empathise with you. I am thinking of e-mailing the doctor too. It hasn't made it any easier with all this Covid. It's even harder to see a doctor now than it was before. Take care of yourself.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
782
0
Covid has certainly made everything more difficult. If you can’t get your husband to the GP then I would send an email giving details of your husband’s problems. Tell the GP about your financial problems and fears for your future if you cannot access relevant benefits without a diagnosis.

If your husband is due any kind of check-up or medication review then make sure that the email reaches the practice before that and go to the appointment with your husband if you can. If you feel brave enough then tell the GP that your husband needs a memory assessment. Your husband may be angry but somehow you need to make it clear to the GP that there is a problem which requires investigation.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
44
0
clitheroe
I am in the same boat. My husband first started behaving oddly about three years ago, and from time to time I have suggested a check-up at the doctors, but he won't go and says that there's nothing wrong with him. His memory is getting worse and the problem is, he is still going to work. He's self-employed and work is drying up as people are obviously noticing that he's not really competent. We have no other income and hardly any savings, plus he is in debt, which I found out about by accident two years ago. I was devastated and now it feels like he's leaving me to cope with it all. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm terrified. I have no idea how to wind up his business and we won't be able to claim anything if he hasn't had a diagnosis. Every time he says or does something odd, my stomach flips. I'm really worried about paying bills etc. I really empathise with you. I am thinking of e-mailing the doctor too. It hasn't made it any easier with all this Covid. It's even harder to see a doctor now than it was before. Take care of yourself.
Oh I can see you are in a very difficult position. Wish I had some answers, "just do this" or, "just do that". Unfortunately there are no easy answers here and it's a lonely road we find ourselves on. You may be able to get some help from cab regarding the business, also there are community support workers, I think they are attached to you gp but not sure. I got some help when I rang and spoke to the mental health nurse. Oh wish I could take you out for a coffee and chat, hope you have someone to help you through this. Sending love 💙💙. Oh and please please please make sure you look after yourself. X
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
44
0
clitheroe
Newanne, it's sad that you have to give up the band but I think that it's the right decision in the circumstances. You will need to be very clear with the other band members that they are not to approach you if there are problems with your husband because getting involved causes both of you a great deal of distress. I would tell the band members that you know that your husband has some kind of problem which he refuses to face up to and that it is now time for them to appoint a new organiser. Be firm and tell them that they will have to speak to your husband about this. You have enough on your plate.
Thank you Violet Jane, that is just what I was thinking. Its good to know I'm not going off in the completely wrong direction. X
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
782
0
Newanne, you need to shed anything that causes you unnecessary additional stress. If the other band members try to get you to speak to your husband about stepping down just say pleasantly that this is a decision for the band as a whole and that you will not be able to persuade him to step down because he will not listen to you. The band should be able to come up with some reason for appointing a new organiser which does not humiliate your husband or refer to his cognitive problems eg 'we have to bring the next generation on and that means allowing them to take on organisational responsibilities' or 'we will lose good people if we shut them out of the organisational side of things because people want the opportunity to get involved'. I'm sure that there are other things that the band can come up with.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,909
0
Yorkshire
hello @Desperatejan23
a warm welcome to DTP

what a horrible situation you are in

definitely a good idea to email your husband's GP giving them details of how your husband has changed over the last few years, and the effects on you ... ask if they could invite your husband to a well-man check up or his flu jab, any excuse

Citizens Advice may be able to help you with your finances ... and a debt charity eg

and do call our Support Line to chat in real time ... the folk there have a lot of knowledge and are good listeners

 

Diane48

New member
Dec 31, 2021
1
0
If its any help I contacted my GP and he wrote to the local Mental Health organisation. It was arranged that a MH Nurse would come and see him plus a Support Worker CMHT. This went quite well and they came regularly to chat with him and see how he was getting on. He was prescribed medication as he has black thoughts that he thinks are real and it becomes very upsetting with the things he comes out with.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,909
0
Yorkshire
hello @Diane48
a warm welcome to DTP
that's useful information
I hope the medication helps your husband

now you've joined our supportive community, do keep posting
 

Pork Pie lady

Registered User
Mar 16, 2013
70
0
Anglia
Try not to panic, which is difficult, I know. You need to pace yourself because this is a long haul. There are three things that you could try:
1. speak to your husband again, tell him that he's not himself and needs to see the doctor to have a few blood tests done to rule out a vitamin deficiency / thyroid problem (which is actually true) then get him to make the appointment
2. ring the surgery and say that your husband needs a face to face appointment and cannot go through telephone triage (explain why)
3. write to the GP and ask him to call your husband in for a Well Man check (he probably hasn't had one recently)
4. if your husband will be having a flu jab then go with him to the appointment and lay out your concerns then (this probably wouldn't be ideal as your husband would probably see a nurse rather than a GP but it's possible that he would see a nurse practitioner who might have the authority to get the ball rolling)

Unfortunately, you may have to resort to subterfuge or economy with the truth if your husband won't go and see the GP voluntarily. If you can't get him to the GP then it's a waiting game: waiting for a crisis, whether that's a fall, illness or injury leading to an admission to hospital or bizarre or violent behaviour which leads to the police being called out.

Does anybody know if someone can contact the DVLA to express concern about another person's driving and if that would trigger an enquiry of the GP about the person's fitness to drive? If the GP had on record a letter from a relative saying that s/he was worried about the person's cognition then would the GP have to report this to the DVLA / feel that s/he needed to call the person in for an assessment? I'm just wondering whether this could be a roundabout way of getting the GP to take an interest.
You can report others to the DVLA and they would investigate but although they wouldn't' tell who made the report it could cause him to think you are going behind his back and make him more uncooperative so think about it carefully first.
 

Miss allotment

New member
Jan 5, 2022
2
0
I don't know what to do. I've been worried about my oh for a few years now. (maybe 4Y) at 1st I talked to him about seeing a doctor and he was worried and said he would think about it. Some time later when I asked if he'd though he got angry and shut the conversation down. Things seemed to stay the same for a long time and I learnt to live with it, thinking it might just be age. (he 73 now). Recently he has got worse, other people are asking me if he's OK, and it's becoming noticeable how he's changed. I decided last year I had to let him know how bad it was so I kept telling him when he'd forgotten something or got things mixed up. He then told a friend I was trying to make him beleive he was loosing it. He said later it was a joke. Then he said I accused him of having dementia. He has always been an exteerly capable man, very hard working and fit. His attitude is doctors are for weak people. 2/3 months ago I noticed things have got much worse, I've tried to just be a support and help, but his problems have never been mentioned. I feel they can't be ignored any longer but when I try to bring the subject up I can't seem to find the words, what to say, he seems to think what's happening is normal and it's far from it. Have I covered up too much? Have I reassured him too much? Oh god I can see the future and I'm so scared.
I am in the same boat my husband was diagnosed 3 years ago of vascular dementia he has a white mass on frontal lobe due to strokes the doctor has told him he has dementia whenever he has an a ppointments they ask how his dementia is he says fine nothing wrong with me it's her that's got it he asks me to explain why he has dementia when I tell him he says I am the only one that sees it no-one else will tell him the truth
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,909
0
Yorkshire
hello @Miss allotment
a warm welcome to DTP

sadly your husband is unlikely to grasp how things actually are with him, whether or not anyone else tells him ... and deflecting everything onto the person closest to him is, unfortunately, pretty common, which make life tough for you

as far as medics are concerned, write out the information you want them to know and if possible get it to them before any appointment or ask for it to be handed to them as soon as you arrive ... certainly his GP and consultants have to note information given to them by family

now you've joined us here, keep posting, members understand and will offer support
 

Miss allotment

New member
Jan 5, 2022
2
0
hello @Miss allotment
a warm welcome to DTP

sadly your husband is unlikely to grasp how things actually are with him, whether or not anyone else tells him ... and deflecting everything onto the person closest to him is, unfortunately, pretty common, which make life tough for you

as far as medics are concerned, write out the information you want them to know and if possible get it to them before any appointment or ask for it to be handed to them as soon as you arrive ... certainly his GP and consultants have to note information given to them by family

now you've joined us here, keep posting, members understand and will offer support
Thank you he had an ace score about 4 years ago of 74 /100 but he has changed so much since then
 

Desperatejan23

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
45
0
hello @Miss allotment
a warm welcome to DTP

sadly your husband is unlikely to grasp how things actually are with him, whether or not anyone else tells him ... and deflecting everything onto the person closest to him is, unfortunately, pretty common, which make life tough for you

as far as medics are concerned, write out the information you want them to know and if possible get it to them before any appointment or ask for it to be handed to them as soon as you arrive ... certainly his GP and consultants have to note information given to them by family

now you've joined us here, keep posting, members understand and will offer support
Thanks.
 

christyj-

Registered User
Jan 3, 2022
19
0
@Newanne
Your situation sounds very similar to the way my dad is. I'm just writing to let you know, that we never thought we would get him diagnosed, however he has just received one after 2 years. It can feel like you're going mad, or that maybe you're over exaggerating it - especially if you're dealing with it on your own. Please make sure you find someone who can support you, or at least rant to (although this forum is so great for that too!) I don't know if your husband has any close friends or family that he would listen to, or that you can bring into the situation so you aren't seen as 'the bad guy'. I understand it's so hard to bring up these conversations, so much so that the stress is unbearable. I've had countless times where a subject has needed to be discussed with him, and the thought of him getting upset/angry or just purely denying everything, really gets me on edge. Eventually, you'll get that diagnosis - you'll find the way to get him in a GP's office where he can be assessed - maybe request a general health check up if he's getting to the right age for it. A diagnosis doesn't solve much, but it assures you that you aren't completely making it up and makes your feelings feel valid - as well as giving you access to the correct care and benefits later down the line. Please stay strong, from what I've read, I totally emphasise with how you're feeling right now.

If it's helpful, try and ring up Admiral Nurses. They can give lots of advice or just simply talk to you and support you as a 'carer.' I won't lie, my dad is still absolutely clueless about his condition and wholeheartedly denies his Alzheimers. Sometimes he might admit some memory problems if something has triggered it (forgetting where hes been!) but otherwise 'theres nothing wrong with me'. The diagnosis is for you more than anything. I wish they could understand it, but dementia is sometimes too complicated to explain to someone with dementia. Just keep moving on, find new ways to adapt and make sure you keep talking about it. You will find you a new way of talking with them that avoids conflict or tricky conversations, and that's totally okay. You need to protect your mental health too, so never feel bad for taking the easy option, or leaning on others to get yourself a bit of peace.
 
Last edited:

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
44
0
clitheroe
@Newanne
Your situation sounds very similar to the way my dad is. I'm just writing to let you know, that we never thought we would get him diagnosed, however he has just received one after 2 years. It can feel like you're going mad, or that maybe you're over exaggerating it - especially if you're dealing with it on your own. Please make sure you find someone who can support you, or at least rant to (although this forum is so great for that too!) I don't know if your husband has any close friends or family that he would listen to, or that you can bring into the situation so you aren't seen as 'the bad guy'. I understand it's so hard to bring up these conversations, so much so that the stress is unbearable. I've had countless times where a subject has needed to be discussed with him, and the thought of him getting upset/angry or just purely denying everything, really gets me on edge. Eventually, you'll get that diagnosis - you'll find the way to get him in a GP's office where he can be assessed - maybe request a general health check up if he's getting to the right age for it. A diagnosis doesn't solve much, but it assures you that you aren't completely making it up and makes your feelings feel valid - as well as giving you access to the correct care and benefits later down the line. Please stay strong, from what I've read, I totally emphasise with how you're feeling right now.

If it's helpful, try and ring up Admiral Nurses. They can give lots of advice or just simply talk to you and support you as a 'carer.' I won't lie, my dad is still absolutely clueless about his condition and wholeheartedly denies his Alzheimers. Sometimes he might admit some memory problems if something has triggered it (forgetting where hes been!) but otherwise 'theres nothing wrong with me'. The diagnosis is for you more than anything. I wish they could understand it, but dementia is sometimes too complicated to explain to someone with dementia. Just keep moving on, find new ways to adapt and make sure you keep talking about it. You will find you a new way of talking with them that avoids conflict or tricky conversations, and that's totally okay. You need to protect your mental health too, so never feel bad for taking the easy option, or leaning on others to get yourself a bit of peace.
Oh christyj, thank you so much - your words have made a huge difference. I have, over Christmas started wondering if I'm seeing things that aren't there, I just need to visit a diary I kept to see things are not right. When there's nothing to organise or problems to solve or anything that need him to think, then he seem absolutely normal. However sitting in front of the TV watching multi episodes of 'dad's army' or 'last of the summer wine' is just not right. I'm learning to adjust but the injustise of it is very hard to put up with. How do you stop yourself defending you actions?? When your being blamed for things you haven't done?? When you spend your entire day thinking about them and they never see it. (I know they can't) they look the same, they sound the same but this is just not my husband at all. It's so lonely with such a long road ahead, not sure I'm up to this.
 

christyj-

Registered User
Jan 3, 2022
19
0
Oh christyj, thank you so much - your words have made a huge difference. I have, over Christmas started wondering if I'm seeing things that aren't there, I just need to visit a diary I kept to see things are not right. When there's nothing to organise or problems to solve or anything that need him to think, then he seem absolutely normal. However sitting in front of the TV watching multi episodes of 'dad's army' or 'last of the summer wine' is just not right. I'm learning to adjust but the injustise of it is very hard to put up with. How do you stop yourself defending you actions?? When your being blamed for things you haven't done?? When you spend your entire day thinking about them and they never see it. (I know they can't) they look the same, they sound the same but this is just not my husband at all. It's so lonely with such a long road ahead, not sure I'm up to this.
I know that feeling, you start to get so used to that way of living that you don't realise it's absolutely not normal. The way I look at it, if I placed my dad how he is now infront of a version of myself 2 years ago, I would certainly notice the difference. Write and date things down, as it can be helpful to see how much he's developed - I have a list from a year ago and the difference is crazy.

Yes thats exactly it, they don't realise how much you bend backwards in order to keep them from doing anything thats challenging and ultimately keep the peace. It's only when they find something that you didn't foresee, when it becomes a real game. You will hopefully adjust and find yourself not arguing back eventually - I certainly don't half as much as I used to. But don't feel bad if you do, it can feel like they're trying to test you sometimes, and its only natural to want to bite back. If you can, take a step back, go into a different room, take 5 to cool off. I know it's probably the hardest thing when they blame you for things you haven't even done - but trying to persuade them of that often gets you nowhere, and they can argue until the cows come home. I find my dad even contradicts himself and bends the argument in all different directions just for the sake of 'being right'

The hardest thing is that there is no space for you, for your mental health, and for you to have a bad day. They don't understand it, they have no awareness of you and how you might be feeling. It's very isolating. I'm lucky in that I live with my mum and boyfriend, so we are sharing the load, but I can imagine being on your own is a HELL of a lot harder. If you feel you can't help him anymore, never feel bad for asking for help. They will never admit they need it, but you certainly can admit it for yourself. Ultimately, you're going to have confrontation either way, so why not get some help in, or a chance at respite so you can recharge. Maybe not now, but down the line you definitely need to. (I know, so much easier said than done. It irks me when people tell me to do it but they are right!)

The road is certainly daunting - I have exactly the same dread. They aren't the same person, you probably feel resentful like I do, and you can't even make the most of time together because it's such a stressful and depressing time for you. I hope knowing someone feels exactly the same helps you, and if you ever need to rant, I'm happy to hear! Please take care of yourself. You will have better days.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
44
0
clitheroe
I know that feeling, you start to get so used to that way of living that you don't realise it's absolutely not normal. The way I look at it, if I placed my dad how he is now infront of a version of myself 2 years ago, I would certainly notice the difference. Write and date things down, as it can be helpful to see how much he's developed - I have a list from a year ago and the difference is crazy.

Yes thats exactly it, they don't realise how much you bend backwards in order to keep them from doing anything thats challenging and ultimately keep the peace. It's only when they find something that you didn't foresee, when it becomes a real game. You will hopefully adjust and find yourself not arguing back eventually - I certainly don't half as much as I used to. But don't feel bad if you do, it can feel like they're trying to test you sometimes, and its only natural to want to bite back. If you can, take a step back, go into a different room, take 5 to cool off. I know it's probably the hardest thing when they blame you for things you haven't even done - but trying to persuade them of that often gets you nowhere, and they can argue until the cows come home. I find my dad even contradicts himself and bends the argument in all different directions just for the sake of 'being right'

The hardest thing is that there is no space for you, for your mental health, and for you to have a bad day. They don't understand it, they have no awareness of you and how you might be feeling. It's very isolating. I'm lucky in that I live with my mum and boyfriend, so we are sharing the load, but I can imagine being on your own is a HELL of a lot harder. If you feel you can't help him anymore, never feel bad for asking for help. They will never admit they need it, but you certainly can admit it for yourself. Ultimately, you're going to have confrontation either way, so why not get some help in, or a chance at respite so you can recharge. Maybe not now, but down the line you definitely need to. (I know, so much easier said than done. It irks me when people tell me to do it but they are right!)

The road is certainly daunting - I have exactly the same dread. They aren't the same person, you probably feel resentful like I do, and you can't even make the most of time together because it's such a stressful and depressing time for you. I hope knowing someone feels exactly the same helps you, and if you ever need to rant, I'm happy to hear! Please take care of yourself. You will have better days.
Christy, you seem to be able to read my mind and see my situation so clearly. You're right, it does help to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. I'm trying to look after myself, I know if I'm ok I can deal with things much better. You take care too. Thanks for taking time to respond. This group is such a help. Xx💙💙
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
151
0
Oh christyj, thank you so much - your words have made a huge difference. I have, over Christmas started wondering if I'm seeing things that aren't there, I just need to visit a diary I kept to see things are not right. When there's nothing to organise or problems to solve or anything that need him to think, then he seem absolutely normal. However sitting in front of the TV watching multi episodes of 'dad's army' or 'last of the summer wine' is just not right. I'm learning to adjust but the injustise of it is very hard to put up with. How do you stop yourself defending you actions?? When your being blamed for things you haven't done?? When you spend your entire day thinking about them and they never see it. (I know they can't) they look the same, they sound the same but this is just not my husband at all. It's so lonely with such a long road ahead, not sure I'm up to this.
You are so right, I have exactly the same situation as you. My husband is an angry stranger, as long as he doesn't have to think or do anything he is moderately happy, but he is completely unaware of how much I now do, every bill, every meal, every chore I now do whilst he reads all day. If I remind him about things he says 'I may have dementia but I'm not stupid', if I don't remind him he says 'How can you expect me to remember I have dementia', this twisted thinking is constant and I feel like I am going mad!! I pray that this does not go on for years, life would not be worth living.