wont let me
Thank you Grannie G, I have just tried but it says I don't have access. I don't know why.
xx
Thank you Grannie G, I have just tried but it says I don't have access. I don't know why.
xx
Husband in care.....how do I cope
- Thread starter Bastan
- Start date
Hello Bastan,
I've just read your post and all the wonderful responses to it. I've only just joined myself, but feel there truly are some wonderful, caring people out there, many of whom will have have experienced many of the aspects you are currently. This site feels like a great way to make contact and share experiences and I'm sure that will help you.
I've just read your post and all the wonderful responses to it. I've only just joined myself, but feel there truly are some wonderful, caring people out there, many of whom will have have experienced many of the aspects you are currently. This site feels like a great way to make contact and share experiences and I'm sure that will help you.
hi bastan
my mom is going through exactly what your going through, it was 2 weeks ago my dad ended up in a home, my mom is focusing on things that she wants to do in the house to keep her busy, it is soul destroyin, my parents have been together nearly 52 yrs, and they have never spent anytime apart, my mom feels lost.
even though they are being cared for by someone else you still have the worry about them, my dad at the moment is playing up so the worry is know will they keep him on after his review, if they ont its then another worry, no piece of mind for my mom or the family, but more worry for my mom,
a few yrs ago a doctor told my mom you grieve twice for a person with alzheimers and none of us knew wht he ment, now my mom says i understand what he ment as i have to grieve for the person that he was, and accept who they have become,
i tell my mom to take 1 day at a time,
xx
my mom is going through exactly what your going through, it was 2 weeks ago my dad ended up in a home, my mom is focusing on things that she wants to do in the house to keep her busy, it is soul destroyin, my parents have been together nearly 52 yrs, and they have never spent anytime apart, my mom feels lost.
even though they are being cared for by someone else you still have the worry about them, my dad at the moment is playing up so the worry is know will they keep him on after his review, if they ont its then another worry, no piece of mind for my mom or the family, but more worry for my mom,
a few yrs ago a doctor told my mom you grieve twice for a person with alzheimers and none of us knew wht he ment, now my mom says i understand what he ment as i have to grieve for the person that he was, and accept who they have become,
i tell my mom to take 1 day at a time,
xx
Hello Bastan...I know you have had lots of birthday wishes today and I truly send you my love on this special day. I dont have to ask how you are, with all the love and support in the world, it doesn't stop the dark moments coming over us. I do hope you are able to enjoy a little birthday celebration in the Home?
I have had to take Trevor back to the Home as he became aggressive and qarrelsome, insisting on turning out cupboards etc, and hurting me, so will just have to wait and see how he goes.
Please let us know how you are today...
love
Bronwen x
I have had to take Trevor back to the Home as he became aggressive and qarrelsome, insisting on turning out cupboards etc, and hurting me, so will just have to wait and see how he goes.
Please let us know how you are today...
love
Bronwen x
Flick I hope you gain as much support as I have from the people on here.
Amanda my heart goes out to you and your mom, and what good advice you give her, 'one day at a time' is the only way.
Bronwen, how sad for you, but a massive pat on the back for trying with Trev again. You are a braver lady than me and I guess lots of others. I hope it works out for you, you will miss him I'm sure, as I do Nats. When you have done your best, you can do no more. Lots of love and brave hugs.
Grannie G glad I gave you a laugh (God knows we need them) and thanks for invite to slimming club. I am now in my Olympiad (which I believe is a 4yr cycle) heading for my super slim sixties (one day at a time). Need to lose less than a lb a week to stay on track so how do I join!
Amanda my heart goes out to you and your mom, and what good advice you give her, 'one day at a time' is the only way.
Bronwen, how sad for you, but a massive pat on the back for trying with Trev again. You are a braver lady than me and I guess lots of others. I hope it works out for you, you will miss him I'm sure, as I do Nats. When you have done your best, you can do no more. Lots of love and brave hugs.
Grannie G glad I gave you a laugh (God knows we need them) and thanks for invite to slimming club. I am now in my Olympiad (which I believe is a 4yr cycle) heading for my super slim sixties (one day at a time). Need to lose less than a lb a week to stay on track so how do I join!
Dear Bastan
Welcome to our slimming club. You will be supported, praised, receive stars for every 7 pounds you lose, and no one will be cross with you if you have a bad week.
Just weigh in on Sunday and every Sunday after that. If Sunday is not convenient, any day will do.
Welcome to our slimming club. You will be supported, praised, receive stars for every 7 pounds you lose, and no one will be cross with you if you have a bad week.
Just weigh in on Sunday and every Sunday after that. If Sunday is not convenient, any day will do.
hi bastan, i forgot to say at the end of my last post, yes it was hard and yes i lost everything but I DID SURVIVE, i still dont have a job (now caring for mum) i live in a council house (nothing wrong with that) and i have friends and family that love me. In the grand scheme of things its not so bad. I thought my heart would never heal and lo and behold it has. My advice to you is never give up hope, theres always tomorrow.xx
Husband in care
Your story is mine, but if you have children, you have to survive.
First, make yourself do hard physical work so that you are exhausted enough to sleep at night. Dig the garden, decorate the house, go to the gym, take up swimming/football/Wii, rambling, jogging - anything.
After that, you can gradually face food again.
Then do something you couldn't have done before he went into care: visit a friend, have long luxurious baths with a sloppy book, go to a cinema/theatre/pub/restaurant for the evening with friends.
None of it will be fun, or not at first, and nothing will ever really be right again, but it does get a bit easier.
Your story is mine, but if you have children, you have to survive.
First, make yourself do hard physical work so that you are exhausted enough to sleep at night. Dig the garden, decorate the house, go to the gym, take up swimming/football/Wii, rambling, jogging - anything.
After that, you can gradually face food again.
Then do something you couldn't have done before he went into care: visit a friend, have long luxurious baths with a sloppy book, go to a cinema/theatre/pub/restaurant for the evening with friends.
None of it will be fun, or not at first, and nothing will ever really be right again, but it does get a bit easier.
empathy
Hello Bastan
I can relate to your situation fully and applaud anyone that has to care for someone with Alzheimers at home.My dad went into care in December after my mum (83) could no longer cope with the incontinence and mood swings from someone she was married to for 66 years. I say was, because it is like a bereavement as they dont know who you are so you could be talking to a stranger. It is so difficult to see my dad in care he was such a happy chap, always had a smile for everyone, especially the ladies,we dont see many smiles any more. I have often prayed that another disease would take my dad so he wouldnt go on to suffer as i know he will. My mum is coping better with dad in the home because he was really hard work for her as you would know. I did help out when he was at home every day, taking him for rides in the car to nowhere in particular just because he was settled when he was being driven around. I miss him terribly, the man that once was my dad and hope that in his own little world that he is in, he is happy.You will come to terms with it, get some help for yourself, go to your local Alzheimers meeting if there is one, try to get out,to coffee mornings and suchlike and im sure with time you will be able to emerge from the other side
Hello Bastan
I can relate to your situation fully and applaud anyone that has to care for someone with Alzheimers at home.My dad went into care in December after my mum (83) could no longer cope with the incontinence and mood swings from someone she was married to for 66 years. I say was, because it is like a bereavement as they dont know who you are so you could be talking to a stranger. It is so difficult to see my dad in care he was such a happy chap, always had a smile for everyone, especially the ladies,we dont see many smiles any more. I have often prayed that another disease would take my dad so he wouldnt go on to suffer as i know he will. My mum is coping better with dad in the home because he was really hard work for her as you would know. I did help out when he was at home every day, taking him for rides in the car to nowhere in particular just because he was settled when he was being driven around. I miss him terribly, the man that once was my dad and hope that in his own little world that he is in, he is happy.You will come to terms with it, get some help for yourself, go to your local Alzheimers meeting if there is one, try to get out,to coffee mornings and suchlike and im sure with time you will be able to emerge from the other side
For Bastan
I have not looked at the site for a few days, though I know how comforting and helful you all are.I have just not been able to face it.
I just received via e-mail an update from your site, and all I can say is that I needed you so much, and have been so sad, worse than I have been up till now.Hence, thank you, I have now, because of Bastan's letter come back to you.
My husband, as I have written earlier on this site is much at the same state as your husband is Bastan. The added sadness for me, and I do not write this out of self pity, is that I am alone here in the south of France. Yes, of course I have friends, and my English based daughter is in continual contact, and visits every couple of months.Have to say that I am envious of your family being so near to you.
One additional problem my husband has, is that he can barely walk. He has physio therapy, and will use a cane for support if he remembers. He will not use a frame, and the wheel chair is only used when he is being taken from a to b.
He is falling every few days, and over the last 5 months, he has had a split scalp (16 stitches), fell against a table and bust his upper false teeth, and looked like a hamster with his swollen cheek etc. Then a month ago he broke his nose. The latest was today when he fell; he had his breakfast, and the nurse was organizing his bathing session, when he got out of his chair, and wham, down he went. Inch long split on his forehead, and a badly grazed arm, which I am told is a miracle that it was not broken.
I had a long talk with both his doctor at the Nursing Home and the head nurse today, and we all agree that we do not want him to be restrained. As the doctor said, he would not do it to his dog, and he will not authorise it for a patient. He pointed out to me, the enormous responsibility the staff feel, he too. So, what is to be done, just leave him to wobble around I guess. He will undoubtedly brake some thing one day.
I visit 5/6 days a week. I go mid morning, and then I am there to feed him his lunch, the main meal of the day. He really does not eat much,but I am assured that he eats more if I feed him. Last week he asked me in the mumbled words that he uses, who was I, and what did I want?I knew another stage had been reached, and that is why I have been so sad. To see a man, my husband, a business man, who used to be on TV some years ago, reduced to bibs, nappies, and an all in one 'combination' to sleep in, is difficult to accept. I came home today, and for the first time, I felt how much longer can I face this? it is breaking my heart.
By the way, the biggest comfort in my life, is a rescue dog, named Lilou, who stays alone for 3/6 hours a day, welcomes me, sleep with me, and comforts me.
Sorry, this is long. Thank you, all you dear people for being there, and giving me this chance to open my heart. I feel better now !
LMN
I have not looked at the site for a few days, though I know how comforting and helful you all are.I have just not been able to face it.
I just received via e-mail an update from your site, and all I can say is that I needed you so much, and have been so sad, worse than I have been up till now.Hence, thank you, I have now, because of Bastan's letter come back to you.
My husband, as I have written earlier on this site is much at the same state as your husband is Bastan. The added sadness for me, and I do not write this out of self pity, is that I am alone here in the south of France. Yes, of course I have friends, and my English based daughter is in continual contact, and visits every couple of months.Have to say that I am envious of your family being so near to you.
One additional problem my husband has, is that he can barely walk. He has physio therapy, and will use a cane for support if he remembers. He will not use a frame, and the wheel chair is only used when he is being taken from a to b.
He is falling every few days, and over the last 5 months, he has had a split scalp (16 stitches), fell against a table and bust his upper false teeth, and looked like a hamster with his swollen cheek etc. Then a month ago he broke his nose. The latest was today when he fell; he had his breakfast, and the nurse was organizing his bathing session, when he got out of his chair, and wham, down he went. Inch long split on his forehead, and a badly grazed arm, which I am told is a miracle that it was not broken.
I had a long talk with both his doctor at the Nursing Home and the head nurse today, and we all agree that we do not want him to be restrained. As the doctor said, he would not do it to his dog, and he will not authorise it for a patient. He pointed out to me, the enormous responsibility the staff feel, he too. So, what is to be done, just leave him to wobble around I guess. He will undoubtedly brake some thing one day.
I visit 5/6 days a week. I go mid morning, and then I am there to feed him his lunch, the main meal of the day. He really does not eat much,but I am assured that he eats more if I feed him. Last week he asked me in the mumbled words that he uses, who was I, and what did I want?I knew another stage had been reached, and that is why I have been so sad. To see a man, my husband, a business man, who used to be on TV some years ago, reduced to bibs, nappies, and an all in one 'combination' to sleep in, is difficult to accept. I came home today, and for the first time, I felt how much longer can I face this? it is breaking my heart.
By the way, the biggest comfort in my life, is a rescue dog, named Lilou, who stays alone for 3/6 hours a day, welcomes me, sleep with me, and comforts me.
Sorry, this is long. Thank you, all you dear people for being there, and giving me this chance to open my heart. I feel better now !
LMN
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Hi Bastan
I know exactly how you feel.
My husband was taken into a special dementia unit last november for assessment after he had become increasingly aggressive. When I was told by the staff and consultant that I would no longer be able to manage him at home, I really didn't believe it and although I eventually agreed there are still doubts in my mind - call it guilt or what but I think it will take a long time to mentally accept it especially as it has not been an easy start in the Care Home.
Last Monday John was finally moved into a Care Home. He was very confused and disorientated and frightened. After I had settled him in I left to go and let the dogs out and went back a couple of hour later to be met by shouting and banging. It was John who was very aggressive and had pulled his room door so hard that it pulled the magnet from the wall that was holding it open.
When I went in after lunch the next day,I was told that there had been an incident. Another resident had thrown his cup of tea over John and John had hit him 4 times.
The nurse in charge said that they might need to contact his GP to get something to calm him down, but he has moved to a different practice area so it was Wednesday when a doctor came out and agreed to prescribe Haloperidol to use in an emergency.
On Thursday he pushed over another resident in the corridor. I was at my wits end and rang our CPN who said that John should still be under the remit of the hospital ward and she would go and see John, which she did and talked with Care Centre staff. Then she saw the consultant who said that he should not be given Haloperidol but to increase the Trazodone he was taking and to give a mild sleeping pill as he had not slept for 5 nights.
On Saturday I went to see him in the morning and was told that they had been trying to ring me to say that John had been taken to A&E. The nurse in charge had given him his Trazodone med and was then called away to an emergency and handed over the distribution of meds to an agency nurse who was helping, saying that she had already given John his tablets. She didn't hear that and gave John his tablets again including the Haloperidol that he shouldn't have. 15 minutes later he collapsed. I rushed down to A&E and he looked dreadful. Eventually the doctor said that he thought he would be fine, just very sleepy and he would be able to go back to the home, it was a case of over medication.
Naturally I was left wondering 'what have I done in putting him in this home?'. However John seems fine now, just a bit dopey, probably due to the extra Trazodone he is taking and he is now calmer and pleasant with everyone.
I still think that the home has a good feel about it and I like the way the staff deal with and talk to the residents, but I am left wondering what I have done. I am just going from one day to another at the moment with fingers crossed. It's also just hitting me that I am on my own. When he was in hospital it didn't seem permanent somehow. Like everyone says it is like a bereavement, but he is still alive.
Sorry to go on so, but I do empathise with you and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Take care
Anne xx
I know exactly how you feel.
My husband was taken into a special dementia unit last november for assessment after he had become increasingly aggressive. When I was told by the staff and consultant that I would no longer be able to manage him at home, I really didn't believe it and although I eventually agreed there are still doubts in my mind - call it guilt or what but I think it will take a long time to mentally accept it especially as it has not been an easy start in the Care Home.
Last Monday John was finally moved into a Care Home. He was very confused and disorientated and frightened. After I had settled him in I left to go and let the dogs out and went back a couple of hour later to be met by shouting and banging. It was John who was very aggressive and had pulled his room door so hard that it pulled the magnet from the wall that was holding it open.
When I went in after lunch the next day,I was told that there had been an incident. Another resident had thrown his cup of tea over John and John had hit him 4 times.
The nurse in charge said that they might need to contact his GP to get something to calm him down, but he has moved to a different practice area so it was Wednesday when a doctor came out and agreed to prescribe Haloperidol to use in an emergency.
On Thursday he pushed over another resident in the corridor. I was at my wits end and rang our CPN who said that John should still be under the remit of the hospital ward and she would go and see John, which she did and talked with Care Centre staff. Then she saw the consultant who said that he should not be given Haloperidol but to increase the Trazodone he was taking and to give a mild sleeping pill as he had not slept for 5 nights.
On Saturday I went to see him in the morning and was told that they had been trying to ring me to say that John had been taken to A&E. The nurse in charge had given him his Trazodone med and was then called away to an emergency and handed over the distribution of meds to an agency nurse who was helping, saying that she had already given John his tablets. She didn't hear that and gave John his tablets again including the Haloperidol that he shouldn't have. 15 minutes later he collapsed. I rushed down to A&E and he looked dreadful. Eventually the doctor said that he thought he would be fine, just very sleepy and he would be able to go back to the home, it was a case of over medication.
Naturally I was left wondering 'what have I done in putting him in this home?'. However John seems fine now, just a bit dopey, probably due to the extra Trazodone he is taking and he is now calmer and pleasant with everyone.
I still think that the home has a good feel about it and I like the way the staff deal with and talk to the residents, but I am left wondering what I have done. I am just going from one day to another at the moment with fingers crossed. It's also just hitting me that I am on my own. When he was in hospital it didn't seem permanent somehow. Like everyone says it is like a bereavement, but he is still alive.
Sorry to go on so, but I do empathise with you and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Take care
Anne xx
Husband in care
I read your thread with increasing sympathy - I am just moving through the first anniversary of my husbands death - looking back he had alzheimers from the age of 55 - he was 75 when he died. One of the very worst times of this journey was the time just after he first went into a care home. I know all your feelings - experienced them and resonate to them even after all this time - it was 11 years ago. I don't think anyone ever goes through this easily - there were many things that helped me, although it is probably more accurate to say that I tried many things - I am not sure how much any of them actually helped. I will list them as suggestions , none of them may be right for you - I think it is a very individual thing. Anyway here goes - a stress reduction class, a new dog who required long walks, anti-depressants (and counselling and a depression support group), a long holiday with my eldest daughter ( yes, I didn't want to leave him, but other people visited him, and I got right away from it all), making quilts (this was really good),two friends who had husbands in the same situation(both met after he went into the home), yoga,meditation etc. I see that you live in Manchester - I do too, I have no idea how we could meet, but it should be possible somehow to get together if that would help.
Love and support, from GannieM
I read your thread with increasing sympathy - I am just moving through the first anniversary of my husbands death - looking back he had alzheimers from the age of 55 - he was 75 when he died. One of the very worst times of this journey was the time just after he first went into a care home. I know all your feelings - experienced them and resonate to them even after all this time - it was 11 years ago. I don't think anyone ever goes through this easily - there were many things that helped me, although it is probably more accurate to say that I tried many things - I am not sure how much any of them actually helped. I will list them as suggestions , none of them may be right for you - I think it is a very individual thing. Anyway here goes - a stress reduction class, a new dog who required long walks, anti-depressants (and counselling and a depression support group), a long holiday with my eldest daughter ( yes, I didn't want to leave him, but other people visited him, and I got right away from it all), making quilts (this was really good),two friends who had husbands in the same situation(both met after he went into the home), yoga,meditation etc. I see that you live in Manchester - I do too, I have no idea how we could meet, but it should be possible somehow to get together if that would help.
Love and support, from GannieM
Husband in Care
I have also experienced a very similar situation and my husband went into care last Oct.Although a very caring family they all live a long way away so I had to accept I couldn't cope 24/7. I am beginning to cope with the guilt and realise that I will be living two lives. I see Graeme 3/4 times a week and spent a few hours with him each day. Many times I have to encourage him to shower, organsie his clothes etc. The staff are wonderful but he wouldn't co-operate but he is more willing to do things with me.So staff and myself work together. A new concoction of drugs is controlling the aggession which is marvellous.
Then I have to build a new life on my own. My husband didn't recognise the family so wouldn't have them to stay so now I have the time to go and see the grandchildren etc. Their comment has been they are pleased they have their Mum/grandma back. Quite a thought.
As with all the problems life throws at us it takes time to think things through and try to make the best of what is.
It seems you are doing just that and have your family near by to be support you through. Keep smiling.
You are not alone and sharing is a wonderful tonic.
I have also experienced a very similar situation and my husband went into care last Oct.Although a very caring family they all live a long way away so I had to accept I couldn't cope 24/7. I am beginning to cope with the guilt and realise that I will be living two lives. I see Graeme 3/4 times a week and spent a few hours with him each day. Many times I have to encourage him to shower, organsie his clothes etc. The staff are wonderful but he wouldn't co-operate but he is more willing to do things with me.So staff and myself work together. A new concoction of drugs is controlling the aggession which is marvellous.
Then I have to build a new life on my own. My husband didn't recognise the family so wouldn't have them to stay so now I have the time to go and see the grandchildren etc. Their comment has been they are pleased they have their Mum/grandma back. Quite a thought.
As with all the problems life throws at us it takes time to think things through and try to make the best of what is.
It seems you are doing just that and have your family near by to be support you through. Keep smiling.
You are not alone and sharing is a wonderful tonic.Hang in there
Hi I found you thanks for telling me.
I know things are tough right now and you feel desolate right now and you may feel alone but please remember that others care and you are not alone. Just try not to forget to take a day at a time and your friend's are thinking of you,we havs laughted and cried together at the carer's meetings.So everyone out there find a carers group give it your support and see how much you benefit Big hugs from Hobel xx
Hi I found you thanks for telling me.
I know things are tough right now and you feel desolate right now and you may feel alone but please remember that others care and you are not alone. Just try not to forget to take a day at a time and your friend's are thinking of you,we havs laughted and cried together at the carer's meetings.So everyone out there find a carers group give it your support and see how much you benefit Big hugs from Hobel xx
