Well done Grandmabarb. I always say to people, we have to recognise that there comes a time when giving someone the best possible care can mean stepping back and allowing other people to care for them. When they need more care than we can possibly give them. You cared for your husband at home as long as you could give him the best care - now you have arranged the best care for him. You can't do more, because this illness can't be fixed. xxx
How to tell when it's time for care home?
- Thread starter sah
- Start date
Hi folks, my mum went into a residential care home three weeks ago after a fast downturn over 3-4 months. Even with a care package and us living 10 mins away we couldn't cope - she was having hallucinations and though people were in her flat, was too scared to come out of her room at night even to go to the toilet, her appearance was terrible, she wouldn't shower or have her hair done.
Eventually her Consultant made the decision for me and I looked around 6 places before narrowing it down to two. Miraculously one of these had a vacancy after only a month or so waiting.
I can honestly say it was definitely the best decision - she is so much calmer now, can accept showers and having her hair done and even allowed them to paint her nails!
Her eating and sleeping is much better and no hallucinations!
We are still popping in most days and she loves to see us, but it's shorter visits with more quality now. There's also so much going on in the home she's tired out!
Good luck to everyone out there - it's a terrible disease and an awful journey so take all the help and support you can get
Eventually her Consultant made the decision for me and I looked around 6 places before narrowing it down to two. Miraculously one of these had a vacancy after only a month or so waiting.
I can honestly say it was definitely the best decision - she is so much calmer now, can accept showers and having her hair done and even allowed them to paint her nails!
Her eating and sleeping is much better and no hallucinations!
We are still popping in most days and she loves to see us, but it's shorter visits with more quality now. There's also so much going on in the home she's tired out!
Good luck to everyone out there - it's a terrible disease and an awful journey so take all the help and support you can get
Am so happy for you, AngeMorange, and for your Mum! Sounds like she settled in quite well and is in the perfect place.
Short visits with my husband are best, too. An hour or two at most. He can only stay awake for so long before his eyes close and he's napping again. I have been going twice a day (only 20 minutes away) but am thinking of cutting it to once a day twice a week and twice a day the other five. After I see how that goes I'll go once a day more often. Then, at some point, I would like to go on holiday to visit my son and his family for a few days. Will arrange for Bob's brother and best friend to visit regularly while I am away. He does not remember my visits but is always glad to see me. I think I will feel guilty not visiting twice daily. Guess I'll find out.
Short visits with my husband are best, too. An hour or two at most. He can only stay awake for so long before his eyes close and he's napping again. I have been going twice a day (only 20 minutes away) but am thinking of cutting it to once a day twice a week and twice a day the other five. After I see how that goes I'll go once a day more often. Then, at some point, I would like to go on holiday to visit my son and his family for a few days. Will arrange for Bob's brother and best friend to visit regularly while I am away. He does not remember my visits but is always glad to see me. I think I will feel guilty not visiting twice daily. Guess I'll find out.
Visited Ian again today -spent most of the time explaining how to use the TV in his room and writing down step by step instructions. Had to do this twice as he didn't follow the first time when I wrote 'Channel'....
Lovely time with him - but it did show me how much the AD has progressed and made me finally realise that he is in the right place-which is good I suppose....only asked once about coming home...
Still miss him-but can now move forward and spend time with him, without the worry.
Lovely time with him - but it did show me how much the AD has progressed and made me finally realise that he is in the right place-which is good I suppose....only asked once about coming home...
Still miss him-but can now move forward and spend time with him, without the worry.
Glad that things are working out for you Barb. But visiting, like everything else, is not a "one size fits all" affair. As we'd been airbrushed out of a lot of our friends lives when AD took over, there were only a couple of people who visited him, other than me. I went most days, but if someone else was going, I didn't, and the length of my visits depended on him.
I once sat for an hour, whilst he was asleep, because I felt I should. But then I realised it wasn't helping either of us. So, if he was awake, I stayed longer, but if he was asleep, I'd stay 5 minutes (the Home was very near to me), and return later in the day. And then usually for less than an hour.
For the first few months he was talking, though it was a load of nonsense, but after 3 UTIs he went downhill, and didn't talk, know who I was, and would stare over my shoulder whilst I tried to make conversation. When he stopped eating, and his food was pureed, I would visit at lunch time and tea time and try to feed him, but after a couple of weeks, it was felt it best for him to stay in bed, and he died soon after.
If you feel it's good to have long visits, that's fine. If short visits are more suitable, that's fine too. Everyone finds their own level, depending on their situation.
Hello Barb, sah and angemorange... I think we are hand in hand together...and yes, doesn't it feel like a bereavement, but kind of worse, because our dear ones are still present and we don't really know what they're feeling. It's been a week since Rob went to his Care Home, and I'm still falling asleep at unexpected moments...and more aware of the aches and pains ...
And now for the extra stress of sorting out the finances he left in disarray. You'd think at least the sun would shine! Hang in there........
And now for the extra stress of sorting out the finances he left in disarray. You'd think at least the sun would shine! Hang in there........
Scarlett, I have been sitting beside Bob for an hour some days while he sleeps. Why didn't I just leave and go back another time? Beats me. I don't awaken him but he usually awakens on his own eventually. Makes no sense to me. I guess I just want to be near him for a while. Maybe I figure it's expected of me. But expected by whom? Me, of course! When he wakes up and sees me he is bewildered and just stares until I talk to him, give him a kiss, etc. Then he smiles. Don't know if he knows who I am but he's happy to see me. We watch The Andy Griffith Show together. That's the only time he laughs, usually at Barney's antics. Don't know if you get that show in the UK but it's very old and in black and white. From now on I will try to visit for shorter periods when he is asleep and longer periods when he is awake.
RageddyAnne, yes! Me, too! Falling asleep and feeling aches and pains I'm sure we just ignored before! I hope we don't become hypochondriacs! Or have some terrible malady!
It is unfortunate that your husband was still handling the finances. Must be quite a mess for you now. I took them over in 2007 when Bob had his first stroke and was hospitalized in acute care and then a rehab hospital for several months. He could still write checks but eventually I had to stop that. He made some expensive purchases, mistakes and was scammed out of several thousand dollars before I could make him totally stop handling any money.
RageddyAnne, yes! Me, too! Falling asleep and feeling aches and pains I'm sure we just ignored before! I hope we don't become hypochondriacs! Or have some terrible malady!
It is unfortunate that your husband was still handling the finances. Must be quite a mess for you now. I took them over in 2007 when Bob had his first stroke and was hospitalized in acute care and then a rehab hospital for several months. He could still write checks but eventually I had to stop that. He made some expensive purchases, mistakes and was scammed out of several thousand dollars before I could make him totally stop handling any money.
I've been so thankful, more than once, that I had always handled most of our finances. We did have a joint account, and after William, very early in his dementia, completely emptied it, twice, and spent the lot (there wasn't very much!) leaving me with nothing to pay bills with - I had a word with the Bank not mentioning the "D" word as he hadn't been diagnosed, but talking about "responsibility" etc. and they were actually very understanding - they sent out a new ATM card that had no chip in it for him, and didn't give him a PIN number. His pension had to be paid into a joint account, but I opened an account in my sole name, and each week, transferred all but about €20 into that, and paid everything from there. William would never give me POA, but we managed, because thankfully, he trusted me mostly, and had no head for practicalities- anyone phoned about anything technical, he would just say "You have to talk to my wife."
Grandmabarb, we used to watch tv all afternoon in the nursing home, in William's room. The High Chapperal was a favourite of William's - and Bonanza! Now there are also two oldies!
Grandmabarb, we used to watch tv all afternoon in the nursing home, in William's room. The High Chapperal was a favourite of William's - and Bonanza! Now there are also two oldies!
It is a very tough thing to do, but care home may provide some security for him(he won't be able to roam around and collect trash). Plus, your own wellness is equally important.
An important point, this security thing. And not just the actual security - but the feeling of being safe and secure. William was far less agitated and anxious in the nursing home. He seemed to feel much more secure there than at home. I think he knew that I wasn't able to manage, physically, very well on my own - he was tall and much heavier than me at that stage. Once in the nursing home, he relaxed more, knowing there were plenty of male staff around to help him. And of course it was a safer place for his constant need to walk, with wide, flat corridors and handrails - and the company of other residents.
my hubby is on diazapan but does it help as he has alzheimers mmixed
Hi I know how you must feel however my hubby has been on mementine for 3 years and has only deteriorated since put on sertraline and Diazapam. he had falls and was agitated all night and could not rest. He is in hospital and I have asked for Setraline to be stopped hurrah he is walking again but still upo all night apparently so is it Diazapam . Going off your subject . I have been advised to put hubby into respite and then long term care and I want him to come home for me to at least try one last time . It is a terrible dilemma to have to face as the onus feels as if its on our shoulders but from what your poor partner is doing I would say to you that you are not doing him or yourself any favours as you must be extremely tired and then you cannot give your partner the care they need . I am not saying you don't but my hubby like your partner forgets my name and they are not really of this time so to speak. I am trying to educate my mind in accepting that when my hubby goes into care that he will become used to the environment and the people so would be better than putting him in respite every so often as any form of change causes them distress. my hubby can come home and have respite every now and aagain but may be in different places so that would create damage or can be taken into care so I am facing that dilemma and and my husband is not the handful that your poor partner is so look after you also as your health matters and if you let him go at least you will eventually have renewed energy and when you visit will not feel resentful as sometimes we , well I get irritable and think why me but why them also so both suffering. I wish you well as you have a life to live and owe it to yourself to live it to the best of your ability. I am trying to educate my brain into loving my hubby enough to let him go so good luck with whatever the decision is that you make . Dodie
diazapam and Alzheimers
Hi My hubby has been diagnosed with Alzheimers mixed over 3 years ago and 5 weeks ago we saw his consultant and as my hubby was bfeeling depressed the consultant prescribed Sertraline 50mg going nup to 100 mg whithin 2 weeks !!! I have been on Sertraline and was only on 30 mg but I could not sleep with that and eventually I weaned myself off them . Anyway my hubby was also given Diazapan 10 mg . whithin days my husband could not walk without falling and he became so agitated from approx. 6.30 at night right though till all hours in the morning when he ran out of steam. This all happened whithin days he is in hospital re his falls and I have eventually put pressure on consultant to stop Sertraline which he has and hubby walking fine now so I amj thinking that as he is still agitated at night in hospital and his speech also went is it the diazepam . I do not think that they should just dose people up with high amts of drugs maybe a tiny amount at a time to see how they affect them. I have read up on Diazapam and not to be used with brain disorder !!!!! so back to consultant on Monday and hope its the Diazapan that have accelerated my hubbies speech and memory. would appreciate feedback please thank you.
Hi My hubby has been diagnosed with Alzheimers mixed over 3 years ago and 5 weeks ago we saw his consultant and as my hubby was bfeeling depressed the consultant prescribed Sertraline 50mg going nup to 100 mg whithin 2 weeks !!! I have been on Sertraline and was only on 30 mg but I could not sleep with that and eventually I weaned myself off them . Anyway my hubby was also given Diazapan 10 mg . whithin days my husband could not walk without falling and he became so agitated from approx. 6.30 at night right though till all hours in the morning when he ran out of steam. This all happened whithin days he is in hospital re his falls and I have eventually put pressure on consultant to stop Sertraline which he has and hubby walking fine now so I amj thinking that as he is still agitated at night in hospital and his speech also went is it the diazepam . I do not think that they should just dose people up with high amts of drugs maybe a tiny amount at a time to see how they affect them. I have read up on Diazapam and not to be used with brain disorder !!!!! so back to consultant on Monday and hope its the Diazapan that have accelerated my hubbies speech and memory. would appreciate feedback please thank you.
I admire you as I am in the throes of hubby going for respite which may become permanent and have the same feelings that you feel because we are human and we care but I know deep down that I will have to let go as he has not through any fault of his own as he does not know me its so sad but we have a life to live and if we look after us we are also there for them even though they do not know us we know them . best wishes
Oh, Dodie! That is so beautiful and so difficult - trying to love your husband enough to let him go. I am still going through that, too. So many conflicting emotions, up and down. It is hard but I'm pretty much there. He's been in a care center for 2 1/2 weeks now and is quite settled and content. He is certainly safer! (Many falls here at home prior to admission.)
Hi My hubby has been diagnosed with Alzheimers mixed over 3 years ago and 5 weeks ago we saw his consultant and as my hubby was bfeeling depressed the consultant prescribed Sertraline 50mg going nup to 100 mg whithin 2 weeks !!! I have been on Sertraline and was only on 30 mg but I could not sleep with that and eventually I weaned myself off them . Anyway my hubby was also given Diazapan 10 mg . whithin days my husband could not walk without falling and he became so agitated from approx. 6.30 at night right though till all hours in the morning when he ran out of steam. This all happened whithin days he is in hospital re his falls and I have eventually put pressure on consultant to stop Sertraline which he has and hubby walking fine now so I amj thinking that as he is still agitated at night in hospital and his speech also went is it the diazepam . I do not think that they should just dose people up with high amts of drugs maybe a tiny amount at a time to see how they affect them. I have read up on Diazapam and not to be used with brain disorder !!!!! so back to consultant on Monday and hope its the Diazapan that have accelerated my hubbies speech and memory. would appreciate feedback please thank you.
My husband seemed to have a setback too with Diazepan, and it was stopped.He's in his second week in respite, with a view to two more weeks, and then the big decision. He greeted me pleasantly when I visited on Friday, and used my name, but I don't believe he had any idea that I was his wife, just someone he likes.
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People in the Real World, unaffected by AD, have no idea how expensive it is for those of us who are. But if the person going into respite has less than £23,500 and Social Services agree that respite is vital for the carer, you can get some help.
If anyone wants any help on how to go about applying for this, please PM me.
If anyone wants any help on how to go about applying for this, please PM me.
