How to tell when it's time for care home?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by sah, Jun 21, 2016.

  1. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Are you claiming Attendance Allowance for your hubby sah? If you are self funding, he won't lose this, and if he had DLA before he was 65, including the Mobility Component, he'll still get both. Also, you can get a Council Tax reduction of 25%, backdated, in respect of the person with Alzheimer's, and this can then be converted to Single Person's Reduction.

    If I can be of any help with Care Home financial advice, allowances etc, Care Home fees, top up fees (I could have been a contestant on Mastermind with this as my specialist subject ;)), please do not hesitate to PM me. :)
     
  2. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello sah, try not to think too far ahead, one day at a time. I was where you are 10months ago. Scarlett helped me with what to do, she is brilliant we are so lucky to have her. We will always miss our beloved husband, it would not be natural not to. You will start to feel the relief from caring 24/7, l felt so free from it, knowing that they are being looked after professionally, l still do all my husbands personal care, so not quite redundant.
    Wishing you much strength for the months to come.
     
  3. rajahh

    rajahh Registered User

    Aug 29, 2008
    2,794
    Hertfordshire
    The missing is always there, you have done the right thing
     
  4. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    Oh thank you - I may take you up on that! He gets PIP -but I thought you couldn't get that and Attendance Allowance? Can't do the Council Tax one as my son (24) is still living with me. I may well get in touch when his money runs out!xx
     
  5. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    Thankyou xxx
     
  6. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    I know...but it's awful isn't it? Thank you for the support.xx
     
  7. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    Thank you.xxx
     
  8. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    Have kept in touch by phone and popped in and out with things for OH - but going for first visit tomorrow. Hoping he's settled in well so that I can begin to spend time with him again. Meeting his CPN there -she's monitoring how he responds to new drug-which makes me feel a bit better!

    Ridiculous-he's my best friend and I love him so much- think I'm worried about him being upset....or not knowing me-which may be better for him in a way.
     
  9. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello sah, hope all goes well for you tomorrow, l remember my first visit to Ed, it was not as bad as l thought it would be , he was so pleased to see me, l am sure you husband will be the same, hope you can get some sleep. xxxxx
     
  10. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    Hello sah, Dogpoogate would have been my last straw too....You've been a HERO!

    Have been reading with amazement at the parallels between your experience nd mine..I'm reeling too after husband went for his first ever respite on Thursday. He never went to day care, too rebellious, and two care homes where we tried for respite let us down at the very last minute. And then someone tipped me off about this new Care Home, and they accepted him for a week's respite. That's all I expected, but four days later I'm still feeling extremely strange, as if I was in shock or something. Keep falling asleep, can't eat or drink(have lost eight pounds) and can't find the energy for anything. Best thing is though, he's not hammering at the doors and demanding to be let out, which is what I expected, and the Care Home has agreed to keep him for a second week. It's not what I was expecting, but I'm thinking that if he's relatively contented and being really well looked after, why bring him back here and struggle? Finding a really good Care Home is very hard round here, and this one might have a long term vacancy, so why risk losing it?

    At first I was so grateful to have my burden lifted, I hardly cared, but now, like you, it feels like a bereavement. I've been weeping for the loss of the man I married 54 years ago, exasperating at times, but good company, lots of fun, and I MISS HIM! The shuffling, grumpy old man he's become more recently is a stranger. I expect it will take more than a few days for us to recover, but here I am, holding out my hand to you....
     
  11. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    ......................... and here I am, holding your hands, Anne and sah :) xxxx
     
  12. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Me too!!!! We are all in the same boat drowning, but we will survive.
     
  13. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    You're certainly not alone-and I SO understand carer breakdown now. I'm finding it hard to function-although there are days that are better than others. Thought I was able to cope with anything -miscarriages/death of parents/previous divorce etc - but this has beaten me. Trying to be kind to myself and hoping it will get better.

    But it also makes me realise that I couldn't carry on caring for him alone anymore...I need the help. If I did bring him home, he would be yo -yoing back in and out-and I'd be finished. Hate admitting it but it's where we are....

    Thank you for the hand.....sending a big hug back. Hope it all works out for you.xxx
     
  14. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    Really helps as well Scarlett-thank you so much.

    I may well take you up on your offer re: financial advice. We're OK self funding for just over a year....so trying not to worry yet.They will, however, have a fight on their hands if they try to move him.....:D I'll pick your brains nearer the time so I'm well armed-not up to it yet!x
     
  15. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    Hope the life belt's working! I am lucky in that I have amazing children/sister/friends....but they can't be here all the time...xxxx
     
  16. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    Visited this morning - and was amazed at how calm he was. They have started him on memantine so maybe that has made the difference. Was able to put a sentence together-which he hasn't done for ages...and asked when I was taking him home. I told him I still wasn't well enough ( too true...) but I would be coming to see him/go out with him from now on. He was so pleased to see me and kept telling everyone I was his wife.

    Also told me everyone else there was older than him-true- and that some of them were very ill.

    Broke my heart-and made me wonder-again-if it's too soon for him. The staff at the care home said it wasn't-as did his CPN when I rang her...but I feel like I've really let him down by not coping any more. I know I can't do it any more-but I suppose I was hoping he'd be less aware when we got to this point.

    Another issue is that one his daughters-who has always resented him remarrying-is kicking off. Went to the home on Saturday and more or less accused me of changing her dad's phone number as he hadn't texted her (!) Wanted all of his medical details; staff were wonderful and told her she didn't have the right to them...:DThe CPN spoke to her on my behalf to explain why he was now in care-was asked how she knew that the dog mess actually happened.....

    This from a girl who has spent less than 3 hours with her dad since Christmas ( and lives 5 minutes away)......all I need....
     
  17. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello sah, so pleased that you had a good visit, my husband is good today very lucid, Dr has increased the dose of Memantine, when he is like this l feel like taking him home, but l know l still could not manage him.
    I have now got used to my freedom, l hope you will soon start to feel better. Take care xxxx
     
  18. GrandmaBarb

    GrandmaBarb Registered User

    Things have changed since my reply on June 21st. Sah and Raggeddy Anne, I am with you now. Had to admit my husband to our Hospice Solace Center on June 22nd after yet another early morning fall. The care home I had toured the previous Friday said they no longer had a bed for him so Hospice took him to the Solace Center. Thank God! It is a wonderful place with caring, capable staff. Such a blessing for us both. But, like you, I was initially relieved and then became a robot, almost in shock, felt guilty, did not know what to do with myself, etc. Did not want to talk with anyone or have visitors. Spent mornings and afternoons with my husband at the Center. I was totally physically and emotionally exhausted after caring for him for so long as he deteriorated steadily. And the feeling of "giving up" on him by his admission to the Center was so strong that I almost asked them to bring him home. I am so glad I didn't! It takes two people to even reposition him. He is in global decline and will not be coming home.

    It has been two weeks now and I have adjusted. Have returned the rented hospital bed and other medical equipment. His room is now a guest room. Had the carpets cleaned yesterday. I could not have that done while my husband was here because of all the large furniture and equipment he needed. He was (and still is) incontinent and would take off his pull ups. He could not put clean ones on, though, so would dribble everywhere. I scoured his bathroom several times, changed the toilet seat, got a new shower curtain and scoured again. He had been unable to aim when he tried to use the commode and urine had gone everywhere. Same with feces. Even behind the floor moulding. Even though I cleaned everything daily the bathroom still smelled terrible. I was so relieved when I was able to get rid of the smell but also felt guilty because it meant he wasn't here with me. My house now looks and feels like a home again instead of looking and smelling like a bad nursing home. I feel guilty that I like it this way and just wish that Bob was his old self before the strokes and dementia. Not going to happen. It almost feels like he died but yet is still alive. I guess that is what being a midow feels like.

    He will not be coming home. His doctor and social worker both me that. I had not realized how close I was to total burnout until after he was admitted to the Center. I know I cannot go through caring for him any longer. I actually could not care for him as he is so weak. He, on the other hand, has adjusted to the Center quite well. He did not know where he was when he was at home and he does not know where he is now. We were in New Zealand the other day when a diving competition was on his TV. (We are actually in the USA.) As long as he has his meals and the TV he seems satisfied. That does not mean he does not get agitated, have hallucinations, remember anyone, etc., however. That is the same but reduced with medication.

    I am not at the point where I want to go out for lunch with friends or go on a holiday, though. I visit morning and afternoon and do things around the house the rest of the time. Sometimes I just break down in tears. Normal grieving tears. Not guilt tears any longer. A wonderful Chaplain at the Center spoke with me about the difference between "giving up" and "letting go". He gave me a booklet on it and it so, so helped and relieved me. I am now "letting go" and no longer feel I "gave up". Many hugs of empathy and love to all of you who must go through this stage with their loved ones.
     
  19. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    GrandmaBarb, you've done something very brave, but you're totally exhausted Sweetie, so it's no wonder you don't feel like having a knees up. I always said that I did my best, and though it might have been better than some, or not as good as others, it was all I had.

    When our loved ones go into Residential Care, it is a form of bereavement, because we're bereft of their close company, and we're "Midows" - still married, but not yet widows. You did all you could, and then some, and nobody can ask more.

    Sending loving wises xxx
     
  20. GrandmaBarb

    GrandmaBarb Registered User

    Thank you, Scarlett! I needed that. Loving wishes and hugs back.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.