How to talk to husband who is very muddled

[Boutinette]

Hello
Although my husband hasn’t had an official diagnosis of dementia , I think he is suffering from it .
After my initial troubles with social services etc , he got a place in a nursing home and we have chc funding .
My husband was kept bedbound for a few weeks and I have only just persuaded the care home to lift him out of bed so they put him in a tiltin space chair every day for about 2 hours and bring him to the lounge area .
So everyday I try and have a conversation with him but everyday all he wants to know is when we can go .
He keeps saying : let’s go
His mobility is nil anyway but he doesn’t understand that we can’t just go !
I don’t know what to say to him and I come out of there every day feeling down because I can’t see any solution
Has any of you kind people out there got any tips they could share please ?

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @Boutinette i am sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your husband constantly asking to go home. This is a common issue and there are various things people have used, from distraction and talking about other things, to saying “ when you are feeling better/ when the Doctors agree” ( thus deflecting any blame from you) to, when the weather’s better/ the jobs in the home are done etc.
I see you are visiting every day, perhaps you might consider giving yourself the occasional day off so you can rest and have time to yourself.
I don’t know how long your husband has been in the nursing home, but over time he might come to accept this and ask less frequently.
I am sure others will be along soon to offer more ideas and support.

 

[Boutinette]

Hello @Boutinette i am sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your husband constantly asking to go home. This is a common issue and there are various things people have used, from distraction and talking about other things, to saying “ when you are feeling better/ when the Doctors agree” ( thus deflecting any blame from you) to, when the weather’s better/ the jobs in the home are done etc.
I see you are visiting every day, perhaps you might consider giving yourself the occasional day off so you can rest and have time to yourself.
I don’t know how long your husband has been in the nursing home, but over time he might come to accept this and ask less frequently.
I am sure others will be along soon to offer more ideas and support.

Thank you DeeCee7
I do appreciate your advice and will put it into action as soon as tomorrow
How often do you think it would be reasonable for me to go and visit him ?

 

[DeeCee7]

@Boutinette I would suggest phoning the nursing home tomorrow and discuss this issue with them. You can find out how often he talks to staff about his desire to leave. If you ask about frequency of visits I am sure they will be helpful as they will have extensive experience of this kind of thing. Do you live near the home? I am thinking of how close it is and whether you can shorten the length of your visits. You might try alternate days and then phone the home to see how this is affecting your husband. If you go every day you are making a rod for your own back, and depending on your husband’s cognitive stage, this might become the expectation. It’s for you to decide. Some people find visiting in the mornings are better, or just before mealtime so you can slip away, or even go at a mealtime so the focus is on helping him eat his meal and less time for talking about leaving! Good luck and do let us know how you’re getting on. There’s no “right” number or length of visits, it’s what right for you.