How to respond when someone is stuck in the past

[SallyKat]

Hello, first time posting and I’m hoping others have experience and can help. My dad has mixed dementia. There are times when he’s convinced that something is happening but actually it’s linked to his past but in the moment feels very real to him and I’m never sure how to respond. Whether to bring it to his attention that it’s not happening now that he’s mistaken or to play along with it as if it’s reality. He can get agitated and I’m not sure what can calm him or divert him away from the topic. Do you play along with the scenario or point out that it’s not real but he’s recalling a situation from a long time ago? Tends to be work-related. Hope that makes sense!
It’s a question of how to break a cycle or pattern of belief that is in the moment and feels real to him but not really happening. Thank you

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @SallyKat Welcome.

This is a difficult one and can only be played by ear.

If your dad can possibly be distracted then do so. If not, either try to go along with it, say you`ll try to sort it or if it`s work related say you'll get in touch and try to find out.

It really is hit and miss. I`m not helping much I know but remember when my husband was at this stage and how difficult it was to ease his mind.

I don`t know if this link will help but will post it for you just in case.

compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801

 

[SallyKat]

Thank you! That’s helpful and a relief to hear as I did say to him this morning when it was work related I would try and find out then ring him back. That seemed to allow some time for him to calm a bit. The link you’ve sent has helped too. Much appreciated. Thank you

 

[canary]

There are times when he’s convinced that something is happening but actually it’s linked to his past but in the moment feels very real to him

It is a feature of dementia that they "time travel" and think that they are in their past. What is happening is that their brain if filling in the gaps caused by short-term memory loss with things from their past, so it feels to them that these things are recent. My mum used to tell me about something that had happened 20 or 30 years previously, but say it had happened "just this morning" - like telling me that she had seen her husband go off to work "just this morning" when in reality he had died 30 years previously.

I quickly learned that trying to bring her back to the present, or correct her, just caused distress. If she wasnt worried by this time-travelling, then I just used to make neutral noises. The problem was if she was upset by it. For example, if her husband (who she had seen "just this morning") hadnt come home from work and she was worried, or thought he was having an affair. It was useless to try and persuade her that he had actually died and I only did it once as it made her so distressed. So I used "love lies" and told her that he was working late that day and then tried to change the subject. Fortunately, as long as I could come up with a "solution" which calmed her fears, she would forget about it quite quickly.

 

[SallyKat]

It is a feature of dementia that they "time travel" and think that they are in their past. What is happening is that their brain if filling in the gaps caused by short-term memory loss with things from their past, so it feels to them that these things are recent. My mum used to tell me about something that had happened 20 or 30 years previously, but say it had happened "just this morning" - like telling me that she had seen her husband go off to work "just this morning" when in reality he had died 30 years previously.

I quickly learned that trying to bring her back to the present, or correct her, just caused distress. If she wasnt worried by this time-travelling, then I just used to make neutral noises. The problem was if she was upset by it. For example, if her husband (who she had seen "just this morning") hadnt come home from work and she was worried, or thought he was having an affair. It was useless to try and persuade her that he had actually died and I only did it once as it made her so distressed. So I used "love lies" and told her that he was working late that day and then tried to change the subject. Fortunately, as long as I could come up with a "solution" which calmed her fears, she would forget about it quite quickly.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and giving an example as that’s really helpful too. This has only a happened a few times but I feel it’s on the increase and I was a bit caught out this morning as he was so adamant and wanted a solution but it was wanting a solution to something that just hadn’t happened. But reading these responses I feel better equipped. Thank you

 

[Bod]

@SallyKat
My father went through something similar, in his case, his memory got stuck at certain points.
For a long time he could remember the early 1950's, but nothing after that. Then as time went on, his memory regressed back to his childhood.
A lot of his "stories" I had never heard before, and knowing the persons involved, the "stories" could never have happened!
His regular one, was had I seen Mother & father?
The answer that seemed to satisfy was "I've not seen them for quite a while" ( both dead for 40+years)
Sometimes best to go along with their"reality".

Bod.