How to deal with spiteful or aggressive behaviour?

[HerrGrey]

Hello, I'm new to these forums and would like to say what a fantastic community this is.

I have been looking after my 90yo mother, who has been slowly declining for several years, but has declined very rapidly in recent months. She now has advanced dementia and is currently in hospital, soon to be in residential care (hope).

When I spend time with her, I apply the "Compassionate Communication" recommendations which are really helpful. Talking with her can be challenging, sometimes she can be nice and we have a good, pleasant chat and I enjoy her company. At other times she can become very spiteful and aggressive towards me. I find the latter very unpleasant and hard to deal with, I really find it quite hurtful and upsetting to be honest. My only defence mechanism is to leave the room but I feel terrible for doing that, feeling like I'm walking out on her or abandoning or similar and being a terrible carer.

I'd be interested to know if anyone has found any alternative ways of dealing with that situation?

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @HerrGrey and welcome to the Forum where I am sure you will find understanding and support.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome from me too @HerrGrey.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Compassionate Communication isn’t always easy to implement - I know that from my past experience!

I wondered there would be something of help here -

Aggressive behaviour and dementia

Read our information for carers about aggression and dementia, what we mean by aggressive behaviour and why a person with dementia may behave aggressively.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Jools1402]

Hi there @HerrGrey - I think you are doing exactly the right thing by just leaving the room. It is hurtful to hear horrible things said about us - even when we know it is caused by the dementia. Your Mum is very lucky to have you.

 

[Angel55]

Hello, I'm new to these forums and would like to say what a fantastic community this is.

I have been looking after my 90yo mother, who has been slowly declining for several years, but has declined very rapidly in recent months. She now has advanced dementia and is currently in hospital, soon to be in residential care (hope).

When I spend time with her, I apply the "Compassionate Communication" recommendations which are really helpful. Talking with her can be challenging, sometimes she can be nice and we have a good, pleasant chat and I enjoy her company. At other times she can become very spiteful and aggressive towards me. I find the latter very unpleasant and hard to deal with, I really find it quite hurtful and upsetting to be honest. My only defence mechanism is to leave the room but I feel terrible for doing that, feeling like I'm walking out on her or abandoning or similar and being a terrible carer.

I'd be interested to know if anyone has found any alternative ways of dealing with that situation?

💗 Hello

I think that sounds quite the opposite to being terrible but actually one of the best strategies. You definitely are the person who has control over themselves in this situation so removing yourself from the situation can de-escalate things.

I have found if I pay a compliment first when I arrive for a visit or even just before my loved one begins getting tricky it can (not always and depending on the person and the stage of dementia ) change the train of thought.

It is hard to listen too though I completely agree 💗

 

[HerrGrey]

Thanks for the reassuring and kind comments.

I've not adapted yet, so when mum is confrontational and makes hurtful comments, I do feel somewhat wounded. I do sense however that I am gradually learning to apply the strategies that are documented throughout the forum.

I'm sure it's a common theme for many carers; spending all day running around, taking care of matters, getting a little weary in the process, but instead of relaxing and enjoying some down time, getting 'snapped at' or criticised etc. I could so easily be reduced to tears at that moment, I need to work on the coping methods and disassociate the behaviour from the 'person'. I'm blessed with a high level of patience and goodness me, I need it sometimes.