How to answer I want to come home

[maisiecat]

Hi All,
So today on my visit today my husband who has Parkinsons and mixed dementia started a plan to come home. There is no possibility of this as his care needs are so high and the psychiatric team feel he poses a risk to himself and me.
He then cried uncontrollably for 2 hours, I also cried and the Sister came in and found us like this. She also said he needed the safety of the Nursing Home. He continued to cry until he fell asleep.
Any advice on how to handle this, I can't help feeling I messed it up badly. The trouble is he doesn't remember the horror of his last few months at home. We were trapped in the home by his mobility and he was delusional and psychotic. He didn't recognise me so attacked me often.

 

[Newanne]

I feel for you, it sounds like you've gone through a terrible time. When my dad had to go into a nursing home he use to plan his return home, it could never happen. I use to say yes of course when your better and the doctors say so you can come home. It seemed to settle him thinking he was one day coming home. Don't know if this would work for you but it's the only thing I can give you. Sending strength. ❤️❤️❤️

 

[maisiecat]

I feel for you, it sounds like you've gone through a terrible time. When my dad had to go into a nursing home he use to plan his return home, it could never happen. I use to say yes of course when your better and the doctors say so you can come home. It seemed to settle him thinking he was one day coming home. Don't know if this would work for you but it's the only thing I can give you. Sending strength. ❤️❤️❤️

Hi @Newanne, thank you for your answer. I had been pursuing the when you are better but I am afraid he wasn't accepting that anymore and I think he is planning to try and escape. I don't think he will ever be allowed home as the care package was astronomically expensive and the LA won't go for it. To keep us both safe there had to be someone with me 24 hours. Lets hope today he has forgotten about it

 

[canary]

I had been pursuing the when you are better but I am afraid he wasn't accepting that anymore

It didnt work with my mum either because she didnt believe that there was anything wrong with her. She would say indignantly "but I am better!"
I went for the "when the doctor says so" approach, so that it wasnt anything to do with me. I would commiserate on how long it was taking, but "they" wouldnt allow it until the doctor said so and I said I would speak to the doctor

 

[Heartsick]

hi. I so relate to the crying and wanting to come home. My OH cries a lot and wants to go home or die. If I cry too openly she gets cross with me as she blames me for “bunging her in a home”. So I try not to cry when with her. Which to be honest is so hard. Am sitting with her now, she’s asleep and I can hardly see the phone for tears.
I’ve tried the “when you’re better” line. It helps sometimes but does wear a bit thin. And then I feel terrible that I am lying and also raising false hopes. But I suppose that’s better than “I’m afraid you are not going to get better” which while honest OH said took away all hope from her.
Not sure this message will help you much @maisiecat it at least you know you’re not alone. Good luck. HS x

 

[jay6]

@maisiecat wish I had an answer but I read this too often on here. sending you both big ((hug))

 

[maisiecat]

hi. I so relate to the crying and wanting to come home. My OH cries a lot and wants to go home or die. If I cry too openly she gets cross with me as she blames me for “bunging her in a home”. So I try not to cry when with her. Which to be honest is so hard. Am sitting with her now, she’s asleep and I can hardly see the phone for tears.
I’ve tried the “when you’re better” line. It helps sometimes but does wear a bit thin. And then I feel terrible that I am lying and also raising false hopes. But I suppose that’s better than “I’m afraid you are not going to get better” which while honest OH said took away all hope from her.
Not sure this message will help you much @maisiecat it at least you know you’re not alone. Good luck. HS x

Hi @Heartsick, thank you for your reply.It does help to know I am not the only one going through this although I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Gradually friends drift away because its just too awful. Today he asked me how long before he disappears so I just said that won't happen to you. I think its better to give a message of hope even if its false because if they understand in lucid moments they will know we loved them enough to lie. Good luck to you too x

 

[maisiecat]

@maisiecat wish I had an answer but I read this too often on here. sending you both big ((hug))

Thank you

 

[arkle]

My alzheimers wife went into a care home 7 weeks ago and always wants to come home with me when I visit.
I tell her she can come home when she is better.
In the 7 weeks, she has become fully incontinent ( there was only the odd episode at home) and lost a lot of her mobility. She refuses to cooperate with the carers,spits and shouts at them, and is eating very little. I think she wants to die and I don't blame her.

 

[jay6]

My alzheimers wife went into a care home 7 weeks ago and always wants to come home with me when I visit.
I tell her she can come home when she is better.
In the 7 weeks, she has become fully incontinent ( there was only the odd episode at home) and lost a lot of her mobility. She refuses to cooperate with the carers,spits and shouts at them, and is eating very little. I think she wants to die and I don't blame her.

How sad for you but you arkle ((hugs))

 

[maisiecat]

My alzheimers wife went into a care home 7 weeks ago and always wants to come home with me when I visit.
I tell her she can come home when she is better.
In the 7 weeks, she has become fully incontinent ( there was only the odd episode at home) and lost a lot of her mobility. She refuses to cooperate with the carers,spits and shouts at them, and is eating very little. I think she wants to die and I don't blame her.

I do feel for you it's so sad. How are you finding the home yourself? I hope you are satisfied with the care. Your wife is probably not settled at all yet, my husband has been in his home for 9 weeks now and it's very mixed but he had a horrific 12 weeks in hospital where his care was appalling. I try to be very upbeat with him although that takes its toll. I hope you find some comfort on here.

 

[arkle]

Thanks, yes I am satisfied with the care at the home.