How do I learn to cope?

[yorkie46]

My husband has memory problems and has been to memory clinic once but they have not made a diagnosis of dementia. However from experience he is showing all the signs of vascular dementia and MRI scan showed small vessel disease.
My problem is that I am finding it difficult to deal with the way this is affecting my life.
He spends most of his day sitting in a chair watching TV and falling asleep. He says he sleeps during the day because he doesn't get much sleep at night. I can't tell if he's awake as much as he says because we sleep in separate rooms. He says the arthritis in his shoulders wakes him at night but he refuses to take regular pain relief.
He doesn't seem to see that things need cleaning and the garden needs attention. When I do things like cleaning windows and gardening he tells me to leave it because I get too tired and that's why I snap at him. I can't just leave things and sit around all day.
I do get annoyed with him sometimes because I can't stand the blaring TV, he has the volume really high, if I ask him to turn it down he says he can't hear it. The other thing that annoys me is that he can see I'm trying to do something that I could use some help with but he just makes some remark. He changes his mind about things so frequently I don't know where I stand.
My daughter thinks I am depressed and maybe I am but its because my life has changed. I find it difficult to see friends, if I talk too long on the phone he makes some comment and he doesn't realise how hurtful his comments are. If we disagree on something he always turns things round to make himself the victim 'you're always right, you don't care about me' . I go out of my way to make life as easy as possible for him but if I suggest something to make my life easier eg a window cleaner he just says no he can do it. If he does clean the windows they are worse when he's done them!
Can anyone suggest how I can learn to deal with this because I can't carry on as I am. Yes I'm bitter, unhappy and I cry a lot. Is it best to just try to accept that this is my life and I have to try to make the best of it by keeping busy?
Any suggestions please?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello yorkie

It does sound as if you are struggling .

I don`t know if the following will help you but I will post the link just in case.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

It`s a tall order but even though it would take a saint to follow it to the letter it might show you that however annoying your husband is, he really cannot help it because of his illness.

My husband was always a wonderful cook. Once he had dementia he could never remember the sequence, whether or not he`d used the salt or spices , got cross if I tried to help him thinking I was taking over and eventually lost confidence and sat around letting me do it all.

It is probably the reason your husband sits in his chair, watching TV. It`s because he has lost confidence and therefore lost interest.

 

[Feline]

My husband has memory problems and has been to memory clinic once but they have not made a diagnosis of dementia. However from experience he is showing all the signs of vascular dementia and MRI scan showed small vessel disease.
My problem is that I am finding it difficult to deal with the way this is affecting my life.
He spends most of his day sitting in a chair watching TV and falling asleep. He says he sleeps during the day because he doesn't get much sleep at night. I can't tell if he's awake as much as he says because we sleep in separate rooms. He says the arthritis in his shoulders wakes him at night but he refuses to take regular pain relief.
He doesn't seem to see that things need cleaning and the garden needs attention. When I do things like cleaning windows and gardening he tells me to leave it because I get too tired and that's why I snap at him. I can't just leave things and sit around all day.
I do get annoyed with him sometimes because I can't stand the blaring TV, he has the volume really high, if I ask him to turn it down he says he can't hear it. The other thing that annoys me is that he can see I'm trying to do something that I could use some help with but he just makes some remark. He changes his mind about things so frequently I don't know where I stand.
My daughter thinks I am depressed and maybe I am but its because my life has changed. I find it difficult to see friends, if I talk too long on the phone he makes some comment and he doesn't realise how hurtful his comments are. If we disagree on something he always turns things round to make himself the victim 'you're always right, you don't care about me' . I go out of my way to make life as easy as possible for him but if I suggest something to make my life easier eg a window cleaner he just says no he can do it. If he does clean the windows they are worse when he's done them!
Can anyone suggest how I can learn to deal with this because I can't carry on as I am. Yes I'm bitter, unhappy and I cry a lot. Is it best to just try to accept that this is my life and I have to try to make the best of it by keeping busy?
Any suggestions please?

In my case, I have realized I have to do everything, because my husband is unable to. Before he was diagnosed we were getting our Garden ready for a marquee for our daughter,s wedding and I would ask him to do something, every so often and it never got done.Now (in retrospect ) I know why, because he had Mixed dementia quite a while before we realised.It's not until you think back and think ,yes, that's why that was or that's why such and such happened. Anyway it takes time to accept that this is your life from now on, but I think if you can accept it, it becomes easier, because you are not expecting too much of anyone else. I hope this makes sense.

 

[SoyHJ]

Hi Yorkie, I don't know if I can offer any helpful suggestions but when I read your post it could have been me talking last year. At that time, my husband had been diagnosed with MCI and it was only in January this year after a PET scan and neuropsych test that he was diagnosed as being in early stage Alzheimer's. Everything you spoke about struck a chord with me from the sleeping in a separate room and him saying he didn't sleep well at night, to the not seeing things that need doing and telling me to leave it but not dreaming of offering to help and sometimes saying he'd do it - except it never got done. The only difference was that in our case, my husband couldn't stand noise and would complain and rant about everything from a neighbour pulling up in their car with the radio still playing to insisting I come and listen to the fridge as the motor was far too loud and was probably the reason he couldn't sleep! Changing his mind all the time, hurtful comments, yes, I had all that too.

He began medication after diagnosis and, while there was more confusion to start with, the biggest change it has made was that his apathy has greatly improved and he has actually started helping a bit again. Before diagnosis he used to also have raging temper outbursts accompanied by vile language (totally unlike him) over trivial incidents. These decreased even before he began medication.

What can I say except that many of these things seem to go in phases and just when you think you are managing, another different behaviour appears which sets you back again. It's this which is so hard to cope with and long before we had any diagnosis I ended up on antidepressants because I was so stressed, worried and used to cry a lot. Still do sometimes..... They really helped get me through that very bad time I was having. Fortunately I had a sympathetic doctor so maybe your daughter could be right I thinking you are depressed? If you are, it wouldn't be a surprise as our lives have suddenly changed, we are scared and worried and, at the same time, trying to deal with a home life that is unlike that which we had before. It might be a good idea to at least talk to your doctor putting it more or less as you have in your post.

Personally, I have good and bad phases. I have found the situation a little easier since diagnosis and medication but having said that, when he does or says something that isn't the 'old' husband I still get upset. I don't have enough experience of all this yet to be able to offer you advice on how to cope with your situation but I just want to tell you that you are NOT alone in feeling like this. If I were you I really would try and talk to your doctor or, as a start, the Alzheimer's helpline who are very good. You sound as if you really do need to speak to someone who can help you to cope with this bad time in your life. You've already talked to us on TP and there will be more people along, I'm sure, who can offer better help than I have.
Sending hugs.

PS Posted at same time as Feline. I totally agree with her in that we have to try not to expect too much of the person.

 

[JayGun]

My husband has memory problems and has been to memory clinic once but they have not made a diagnosis of dementia. However from experience he is showing all the signs of vascular dementia and MRI scan showed small vessel disease.
My problem is that I am finding it difficult to deal with the way this is affecting my life.
He spends most of his day sitting in a chair watching TV and falling asleep. He says he sleeps during the day because he doesn't get much sleep at night. I can't tell if he's awake as much as he says because we sleep in separate rooms. He says the arthritis in his shoulders wakes him at night but he refuses to take regular pain relief.
He doesn't seem to see that things need cleaning and the garden needs attention. When I do things like cleaning windows and gardening he tells me to leave it because I get too tired and that's why I snap at him. I can't just leave things and sit around all day.
I do get annoyed with him sometimes because I can't stand the blaring TV, he has the volume really high, if I ask him to turn it down he says he can't hear it. The other thing that annoys me is that he can see I'm trying to do something that I could use some help with but he just makes some remark. He changes his mind about things so frequently I don't know where I stand.
My daughter thinks I am depressed and maybe I am but its because my life has changed. I find it difficult to see friends, if I talk too long on the phone he makes some comment and he doesn't realise how hurtful his comments are. If we disagree on something he always turns things round to make himself the victim 'you're always right, you don't care about me' . I go out of my way to make life as easy as possible for him but if I suggest something to make my life easier eg a window cleaner he just says no he can do it. If he does clean the windows they are worse when he's done them!
Can anyone suggest how I can learn to deal with this because I can't carry on as I am. Yes I'm bitter, unhappy and I cry a lot. Is it best to just try to accept that this is my life and I have to try to make the best of it by keeping busy?
Any suggestions please?

I think the transition from life partners to carer and cared for is really hard.

You probably are depressed. Life is pretty depressing right now, right? Who wouldn't be?!

The old patterns of behaviour that worked in your relationship won't work now. Instead of talking to your husband about getting a window cleaner, just get one. Get a gardener and a cleaner as well if you can! (Attendace Allowance can help pay for it!)

Speaking to your GP about how hard you're finding life might turn up some help. If not get in touch with MIND or AgeUK etc and see if there is a club (daycare) that your husband could go to in order to give you a break.

You do have to accept some things about this situation, but you can have a damn good go at improving things first. Making the best of it will mean making some changes.

Apologies for being a bit bossy. GP first lovely. It's oxygen mask theory isn't it? You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

Best of luck, and keep posting. xx

 

[Mibs]

Hi Yorkie, I read your post and realised you were describing my life down to the last detail - like you I struggled with my husband's complete abandonment of all the jobs and responsibilities he used to take care of, and more than that, his vehement denial that any of them needed doing or paying for. Then, one stormy night last December, our garage roof blew off, and as hubby shrugged his shoulders, I realised that the only person I could now rely on was me. This is the key moment for every carer in this 'journey' - it's when you come to terms with the fact that from now on, you are 'in charge' and there won't be any more joint decisions.
I know that sounds brutal, it is heartbreaking but it's also inevitable and trust me, you're going to find a strength and resolve you never knew you had. Make a list of things to be fixed and put your name at the top of the list - you need a chat with your doctor, a hair appointment, and a cup of tea with a friend or neighbour. You also need some sleep, but that will come as you work down your list, because you will feel much calmer.
As for the jobs, where I live we have a Trusted Trader scheme run by the council - I've found my builder, electrician etc from them or my neighbours.
Last but not least, the folks on here are a fantastic source of support - I've only just posted but have been reading them for years, we're all clinging on. Hope that one day very soon, you will feel better able to cope. Take care x

PS On a lighter note, hubby did tell my window cleaner to clear off his property, I didn't win that one xx

 

[Rathbone]

Just wanted to add my loving support to all these lovely posts. I am new to this too; my husband is still undertaking tests before a "final"diagnosis but it is already agreed as bvFTD. Much of what you describe has insidiously crept up on us over the last couple of years culminating in my husband having to give up work completely aged 60. My career background has thankfully provided me with coping strategies and I'm fine if I stay in "work mode"; it's when I speak to strangers about it that I sometimes nearly loose it. So I'm my own best friend in that I am managing pretty well so far, AND my own worst enemy in that if I cope too well, the help from the authorities may well be a bit short in the coming. My point is, find ways of coping because yes we are in it for the long haul - and friends are here to help pull you through - but shout out for every bit of help you can get from every possible source, your own health shouldn't suffer while you struggle on. Your GP is definitely the first port of call. Good luck. X

 

[Saffie]

I think the answer to your question is that you don't learn to cope, you just do cope.
I agree with the others that say that if you can just accept that this is the way things are and are going to be, it will be less stressful for you. To try not to see the things your husband says and does as somehow deliberately hurtful but rather a symptom of the disease.
I look back and wish I had been more understanding in the times before my husband was diagnosed. He was probably feeling so worried and afraid and I was impatient. It never occurred to me that the reason he didn't do something either the way he used to, or even at all, was because he wasn't able to.

It is hard to face the fact that this is what your life is going to be from now on but you do get used to it - well, sort of - no matter how hard it is.
However, I have to say that I have never felt resentful, more guilt than anything else, both for the fact that he is the one suffering so much and that I wasn't always as understanding as I could have been in the early days.
Life throws these things into the mix and sad though it is, they just have to be borne.

I think we all must get depressed from time to time, I certainly do, but then it is understandable. I hope you have some supportive friends and family. Also, try to find a branch of Carers UK or similar in your vicinity. They often run courses and have cafes where you can meet people in similar circumstances and can give you advice and put you in touch with those who can arrange some respite time during the day.
Best wishes and good luck.

 

[spuddle]

hi, I cant offer any more advice as I am very new to this myself. I do agree though that you have to look after yourself. I think that is very important. although its only over the internet but at least here you can realize you are not alone. there are people here who have been through and are going through the same struggles. wishing you strength in coping

 

[yorkie46]

Thanks to everyone who offered helpful suggestions it's good to know others have felt the same and its not just me being silly.
First I should explain a few things. My husband is 10 years older than me but this has never been an issue. We have slept in separate rooms for many years following my back surgery. In 2010 he had major heart surgery. He was extremely ill afterwards and I was very unhappy with his care so I spent all day at the hospital for two weeks. In November 2012 he had a hip replacement which subsequently dislocated twice so a year later had a complete revision. He has back problems and has been offered surgery but is not going down that route at the moment. He has type 2 diabetes and hypertension.
One of the major things that concerns me is that he doesn't remember his medication, I have to give it to him at the appropriate time. When we went to memory clinic I told the doctor but my husband agreed about medication but said he remembrs important things. To me there is nothing more important than his meds!
I know a lot of these other health problems mean he can't do some things but he is always saying he'll do things but doesn't.
I found all suggestions really helpful. I have appt to see doctor on Thursday, hope he can offer some help.

 

[Trisha4]

My husband has memory problems and has been to memory clinic once but they have not made a diagnosis of dementia. However from experience he is showing all the signs of vascular dementia and MRI scan showed small vessel disease.
My problem is that I am finding it difficult to deal with the way this is affecting my life.
He spends most of his day sitting in a chair watching TV and falling asleep. He says he sleeps during the day because he doesn't get much sleep at night. I can't tell if he's awake as much as he says because we sleep in separate rooms. He says the arthritis in his shoulders wakes him at night but he refuses to take regular pain relief.
He doesn't seem to see that things need cleaning and the garden needs attention. When I do things like cleaning windows and gardening he tells me to leave it because I get too tired and that's why I snap at him. I can't just leave things and sit around all day.
I do get annoyed with him sometimes because I can't stand the blaring TV, he has the volume really high, if I ask him to turn it down he says he can't hear it. The other thing that annoys me is that he can see I'm trying to do something that I could use some help with but he just makes some remark. He changes his mind about things so frequently I don't know where I stand.
My daughter thinks I am depressed and maybe I am but its because my life has changed. I find it difficult to see friends, if I talk too long on the phone he makes some comment and he doesn't realise how hurtful his comments are. If we disagree on something he always turns things round to make himself the victim 'you're always right, you don't care about me' . I go out of my way to make life as easy as possible for him but if I suggest something to make my life easier eg a window cleaner he just says no he can do it. If he does clean the windows they are worse when he's done them!
Can anyone suggest how I can learn to deal with this because I can't carry on as I am. Yes I'm bitter, unhappy and I cry a lot. Is it best to just try to accept that this is my life and I have to try to make the best of it by keeping busy?
Any suggestions please?

My husband of 44 years was diagnosed last year with Alzheimer's, he was 66. My approach is to make life easier where we can as there are things we can't change. I have employed a gardener and a cleaner to help me. My husband was an engineer and was hugely into DIY but now we have to get someone in if something goes wrong. Things I have found really helpful: memory cafés, a two day CrISP course (really increased my knowledge and understanding of dementia), telling people and accepting help eg library have ordered in Quick Read books as my husband finds them easier to read. I have lasting power of attorney which it's vital to get while the person living with dementia still has the capacity to agree to. I have applied for attendance allowance and once you have that you can apply for a third reduction of council tax. There are times I get angry and resent the fact that Alzheimer's was never included in our retirement plans. I am only human. But most of the time I think about what we can still do and try to keep that going although I have to organise everything. I wish you well. Do talk things over with your doctor as it is important that you look after yourself.

 

[Saffie]

Hello there. Yorkshire must be generous!
The most we managed was a 25% discount!

 

[Trisha4]

Sorry Saffie, could be my mistake. I was quoting something I was told at the memory cafe. I haven't actually applied yet.
Sorry folks if I've posted wrong information.

 

[quish16]

I can relate to s o much that Yorkie has put. I am married to a much older man who has memory problems. However, getting a diagnosis is not easy given he had brain surgery last July. He also has alot of other health problems, gout, lupus, high blood pressure, Gerd and frequent water infections/irritable bladder. He has been found to have low sodium levels so he has to go back for yet more blood tests. Doctor thinks the low sodium may be caused by the Lupus and/or the medication.
I find it hard to leave him and have given up my vol work and pilates. Is there a link with dementia and deafness? He has the tv on constanly but has to wear headphones because I can't cope with the volume. He has been given hearing aids but he has lost 'them - don't know if he has lost them or just doesn't want to wear them!
I have found support for carers great and someone phones me every couple of weeks.
To give an idea of my day, I get up at 6am and usually find husband alseep on sofa attached to headphones. He wakes up and I make him a coffee and he goes to bed. He gets up at 10ish - I sort out his tablets and he goes into his office attached to headphones until 5ish when he comes into the lounge, attached to headphones. He can still cook for himself but is mega messy and he has left the gas on, forgot to put lid on things in the mircrowave. He can get confused - I went to get the washing in and found he had locked door and left key in - he said he had thought I had gone to bed - it was 7.30pm
the lonliness is hard too - it is difficult to invite friends round. Some friends wanted to visit last year but he decided he didn't like them and didn't want them round. He also drinks a lot - it is down to around half a bottle of vodka a day now but that too could be affecting the medication especially the bladder.
I go to bed at 9pm -frankly it is a relief to have got the day over.
he too seems to have no sense of food safety and seems to have things in his fridge that are off - we eat seperately as I am a vegitarian. For example, he cooked a steak but put pate on it best by 9th May on Monday! He also burns saucepans. He can get quite abusive when challenged. I too find I am taking on more responsibility but he won't let me get people in to sort things out in the house.
We had a happy marriage for many years so I do owe him something. I do go to the doctors with him - I am at a different surgery as he fell out with my doctor. His doctor is quite good but he does feel that the alcohol is affecting the medication.
I cope by reading a lot and am doing bits in the garden because at least I can talk to my neighbours. I go out daily to get the paper because it makes me put my makeup on and gives me something to get ready for - H wants me to get them delivered but I think I would be at risk of clinical depression if I did this.
I also breed cats and get a lot of happiness from them even though I didn't dare breed last year due to the fact husband was in hospital.
I don't know if he has dementia because a lot of things he has can cause the confusion and forgetfullness. He does lose things a lot. He has always been a very clever man and it is hard to see him struggling to understand things. So many posts strike cords......
thanks for reading - just wanted to offload and offer support to Yorkie.
I have also found Facebook helps and it is a way to keep up with my cat friends now I am not able to get out much.

 

[Saffie]

Sorry Saffie, could be my mistake. I was quoting something I was told at the memory cafe. I haven't actually applied yet.
Sorry folks if I've posted wrong information.

Gosh, no need to apologise. You may be right for your council. Mine is not the most generous!
I learnt about it when attending a Memory Matters course run by the Memory clinic. Others knew about it but of course, not having any help at all, I knew nothing! I rang up the council and they agreed immediately as my husband was in receipt of Attendance Allowance and had a diagnosis of dementia. They sent him a letter, which fortunately I intercepted, as it was hardly the most sensitive of letters. I know my husband would have been really upset if he had read it.
Best wishes.

 

[Spamar]

Hi
Seems to be several people in the same position!
Saffie, our council tax reduction is a quarter as well!
Please, everybody, try and get some respite. Try AS first, they will know what's going on in our area. You will find some Carers groups that, to allow you to go, will pay for someone to look after your caree, also pay cost of getting to the venue. Some groups allow the sufferer to come with you, often they will be whisked away by a volunteer and you don't have to talk to them for 2 hours!
Day care is even better, gone for 5 hours, six including transport. Yes!
In our county there are also a couple of village projects for dementia sufferers and, amongst other things they have fully trained Carers who are very useful! Take every opportunity to get a break.
It is very difficult, I'd be the first to admit it. My OH, also much older, can do very little and spends most of the day contemplating the infinite! Again, he was an enthusiastic DIY'er and I have spent thousands for other people to do the work, not always to my high standards! Added to that I have arthritis, which means I have problems doing normal day to day things. I have a cleaner and a gardener.
Fortunately OH will take pills OK if they are given to him and is usually fairly easy going - except when he had delusions, there was nothing easy going about him then! However, on occasion a bit of tough love is useful - you WILL do this. Don't forget it is very difficult for an Alzheimer's sufferer to make decisions!
Finally, pick your battles. There are some things it's not worth your breath on. In my case window cleaning. I don't think I have ever done it, although they did look nice when we did have a window cleaner.
Finally (again) always be ready for the unexpected. I've had several 'unexpecteds' this weeks amongst them not knowing what music was and saying I suppose you're my wife ( he doesn't know anybody else's name).

 

[Sringtime]

My husband has memory problems and has been to memory clinic once but they have not made a diagnosis of dementia. However from experience he is showing all the signs of vascular dementia and MRI scan showed small vessel disease.
My problem is that I am finding it difficult to deal with the way this is affecting my life.
He spends most of his day sitting in a chair watching TV and falling asleep. He says he sleeps during the day because he doesn't get much sleep at night. I can't tell if he's awake as much as he says because we sleep in separate rooms. He says the arthritis in his shoulders wakes him at night but he refuses to take regular pain relief.
He doesn't seem to see that things need cleaning and the garden needs attention. When I do things like cleaning windows and gardening he tells me to leave it because I get too tired and that's why I snap at him. I can't just leave things and sit around all day.
I do get annoyed with him sometimes because I can't stand the blaring TV, he has the volume really high, if I ask him to turn it down he says he can't hear it. The other thing that annoys me is that he can see I'm trying to do something that I could use some help with but he just makes some remark. He changes his mind about things so frequently I don't know where I stand.
My daughter thinks I am depressed and maybe I am but its because my life has changed. I find it difficult to see friends, if I talk too long on the phone he makes some comment and he doesn't realise how hurtful his comments are. If we disagree on something he always turns things round to make himself the victim 'you're always right, you don't care about me' . I go out of my way to make life as easy as possible for him but if I suggest something to make my life easier eg a window cleaner he just says no he can do it. If he does clean the windows they are worse when he's done them!
Can anyone suggest how I can learn to deal with this because I can't carry on as I am. Yes I'm bitter, unhappy and I cry a lot. Is it best to just try to accept that this is my life and I have to try to make the best of it by keeping busy?
Any suggestions please?

Hi, My situation with OH is very similar to the one you have described, so thank you for posting because sometimes I read the posts on here re memory etc etc and very few posts I read relate to OH symptoms, so selfishly it is good to read that someone else is going through similar situations. OH day consists of getting up going for the paper, sitting down in the chair and that is where he stays until bedtime, he reads the paper over and over again and falls asleep in between. He has no interest what so ever in the home, and watches me struggle in the garden with no offer of help. If I ask him to come and help he says yes in a minute and then falls asleep. I have found like all on here, it very difficult to come to terms with the diagnosis (which he finally got, mixed dementia, early on this year. I still question whether it is mixedor just Vascular
but the "Experts" tell us it is mixed. His memory fluctuates, long term memory is excellent, better than mine, but short term isn't to bad depending on the day. He has become very withdrawn when out in company, and has no empathy what so ever. He used to be so caring. He constantly makes lip smacking, clicking noises with his mouth a tongue. I accept that I have to make the decisions in life for us. I don't know if I feel bitter or not but I do feel cheated in some way. I envy friends who have husbands to share there life with. I have been to see the Doctor and he has put me on Prozac, which has helped. I feel desperately lonely at times, although everyone that knows me are always telling me how positive I am and how well I am coping. But, they have no idea of how I feel inside. I desperately miss the companionship and rock which OH was. He sometimes will admit and accept that there is something wrong, other times he says the Doctors have got the diagnosis wrong and he is fine. I have suggested to him we join a walking group for dementia sufferers but he wont hear of it, he certainly wouldnt entertain a day centre. There is a dementia cafe near us but again he wont go. At the moment I can leave him for long periods on his own and that is a relief but I dont know how I will cope when he cant be left. I try not to look to much into the future, but I cant bury my head in the sand either, this time last year I could go away for the weekend on my own and telephone him every morning and night, but I know I could not do that now. Although we now have a diagnosis, which was a relief in a funny sort of way, they discharged him as he can not take any medication to help and so now all we have is our GP and they don't seem to be able to offer a lot of advice. Hugs to you x

 

[yorkie46]

Well what a waste of time that was! I went to GP on Thursday, had to see him for something for myself but tried to talk to him about OH as well. We have a new GP who has only seen him a handful of times and guess what he suggested he might be depressed. Maybe I was wrong to suggest that I thought it was early dementia but I've seen so much of it that it just seems obvious to me. Why do so called professionals go down this route? Why do they not listen to the people who know the patient best? I agree he may be depressed too but that often goes along with dementia. He had antidepressants before he was referred to memory clinic to see if it would improve his concentration but it made no difference to anything.
Yesterday was an awful day which ended in a major row!
In the morning he accused me of putting his torch charger somewhere because he couldn't find it where it should be. I said I hadn't moved it but he said I must have done but couldn't remember doing it. He did eventually find it. I have recently noticed he's been putting things in unusual places. Which bit of depression makes it OK for him to accuse me of things I haven't done and blame me for things not being where he thinks they should be?
At dinner time he was watching Pointless on TV and the presenters were having their usual banter. Not for the first time he shouted at them 'get on with it'. I said 'it's part of the programme'. He said 'I know but they don't need to do it so much'. I pointed out that he didn't have to watch it if he didn't like it but he said he wanted to. Unfortunately my reply 'well don't keep complaining about it then' was not what I should have said, I realise that now but it's hard to think about what you're saying all the time.
It was like a bomb going off! I was being nasty, why am I always criticising I got the works. I'm afraid it reduced me to tears again and I stormed off into my bedroom. He then started crying, said I don't care about him, he's not well, doesn't know why I stay, I'm always saying hurtful things, he tries to help me when he can but I don't thank him when he does things for me.
I know I should think before I say anything.
I don't know how to get over this, I hardly dare open my mouth now, the atmosphere is still very strained.
I just feel now it's not worth pursuing things with GP or memory clinic, nobody seems to understand
Life sucks at the moment.
Just going to make a cup of tea!!

 

[BR_ANA]

If you need a diagnosys for him. Make a diary about odd stuff, record him talking to TV and show it to GP. People with dementia act "normal" in front of other people. A antidepressant can help him, insecure and anger issues.

A tip. If something is lost, offer help but let him found it ( confidence on secret stash),

Take care of yourself too

 

[Rathbone]

Sringtime - you've no doubt heard of the definition of an "Expert" - "An 'Ex' is a 'has-been' and a 'spert' is a 'drip under pressure'.X
Yorkie 46, XXXX for you - hope you enjoyed the tea X