How do I deal with this?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Roseleigh, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. Pootle23

    Pootle23 Registered User

    Oct 21, 2019
    12
    Hi @Roseleigh my Dad is in a Care Home and he is very confused and often found urinating in various places. He doesn’t even seam to recognize a toilet and we find that we have to steer him into place before he pee’s. The care home tend to now prompt him and escort him to the toilet at regular intervals rather than leaving him to take himself off independently. He’s not incontinent he is just confused. Such a dreadful disease. All the best to you.
     
  2. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    My OH is having another of his psychotic attacks this evening. He thinks he can save the world from dementia. I think he partially understands he has it. This is heartbreaking stuff. I am thinking GP and anti psychotic medication may be only way to go.
     
  3. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    691
    For those that just have trouble with their aim: my husband taught children with special needs. For this problem they painted a table tennis ball red and dropped it in the loo. The boys would automatically look at the ball and aim in the same direction. The ball is too light to be flushed away.
     
  4. Banabarama

    Banabarama Registered User

    Dec 28, 2018
    40
    Female
    Sussex
    Hi Roseleigh
    Your situation sounds so familiar. I too am considering a home and right now I can’t even blame my husband for keeping me awake with his shouting this time. It’s my own guilty feelings and inability to make decisions on care which are keeping me awake! It is such a huge step. Sadly my husband couldn’t even eat his main meal last night and when I offered pudding he ended up smearing it on his chest instead of putting it in his mouth. Getting him into the bedroom was difficult as he couldn’t work out direction at all (thankfully we live in bungalow - stairs would be impossible).

    We have an assessment for respite tomorrow. The last time we tried we were denied. But this is a different place with a dementia wing. Scarey stuff in itself but I am also afraid they too will find him too challenging. But if so it will focus my mind on alternatives (more care in our home with some overnight sleep overs to help me rest) although I don’t know how easy that will be to arrange.
    Good luck to us both and to everyone else on here with their struggles. Xx
     
  5. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,466
    If our work was advertised would there be any applicants?
     
  6. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    You certainly sound like you need respite. If it goes well perhaps you should consider permanent. Will he be self funding or LA? I put mine in for a week in September. Two homes which he was assessed at rejected him and I put him in one with a locked dementia unit where after first day couple of days he was fine. Unfortunately they dont accept LA funded at all so it wouldnt be any use when the money runs out as a permanent place. The dementia wing was good as it was small and easy to find his way around, so many care homes are huge with long corridors. Not ideal.
     
  7. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    There are agencies that place residential carers in homes ,pretty highly paid but even so I think tends to be done by migrants as a first job because they need somewhere to live
     
  8. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,466
    #48 AliceA, Nov 6, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2019
    A friend thought of that but it was too expensive, it depends on the migrant, some have good qualifications but not for here. I have had a lovely night sitter.
    Trouble is my husband hardly stirred when I had help, last night I was up three times in four hours.
    I am filling the place with Serotonin Release music on YouTube, see if I get more sleep tonight.
    I was hopeless too day I was so tired it caught up with a bang!
     
  9. Banabarama

    Banabarama Registered User

    Dec 28, 2018
    40
    Female
    Sussex
    We are self funding. The assessment went well and the home are happy to take him but he won’t go! If he won’t get out of the car they can’t help. What can I do. Can’t force him.
     
  10. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    653
    Female
    cornwall
    I have a similar situation with dad.He has agreed to go to respite but it took him over 24 hours to decide.It has been delayed as the home has D&V so the home has shut until clear.
    Now,dad is backtracking and blaming me.
    I have told him he doesn’t have to go but I will not be looking after him for a fortnight.So he will be left with the carers which he won’t be happy with either

    Do you have carers?
     
  11. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    My husband is the same an absolute horror show some nights. Sometimes he wont settle just gets up after about twenty minutes over and over, sometimes finally setttlng about three am. Sometimes he refuses to go back to bed at all. Other times he sleeps for a few hours then starts ructions in the middle of the night. I often lie down for a kip in the day and still find my self nodding off watching TV in the evening.
     
  12. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    Hope you have a better night tonight Alice. I had a good one last night but not optimistic about tonight as he has been absolutely horrible since about 11am today, was helping him shave, all going well, no cuts, and he suddenly flipped into psycho mode.
     
  13. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,667
    oh no! im sorry that this has happened! It’s so frustrating!
    stick to your guns girl! you need this time out!
    Been a bit preoccupied with my own PWD, but as the saying goes -.... & I’m back in the room!
    Let me know how things go?
    Xx
    ((((Hugs))))))
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,667
    Oh my lovely
    Hope your day settled
    X
     
  15. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,667
    Mum protested at the idea but I said if you have done some respite care & the social services or anyone mention about care homes;you will have had a short stay & can then tell them actually what you think .

    it has helped & mum can now make “ informed “ decisions!


    Hope that’s helpful
    X
     
  16. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,466
    I am following the rule when I can, life willing, to sleep when he sleeps! Regular TV is a thing of the past. I record a few things to watch during the day. I do drop to sleep at odd times. I settled down at 8.00pm only to have a lonely friend ring.
    Someone came in yesterday and said go and rest, apparently he had gone outside to peer though the bedroom window, I had drawn the curtains so he came in to check I was all right Bless him hope you have a better night.
     
  17. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    Actually had an amazing sleep, a very rare unbroken night, I think he got up for a pee but unusually found his way back to his bed! After having been possessed by the devil most of the day yesterday I think he was exhausted.;)
     
  18. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    He went for assessment today at a CH I really liked, (good food) with a view to respite. Rejected. What I have learned today (or rather confirmed) is that many of the CHs which claim to do dementia care are in reality only prepared to deal with mild dementia and only may allow existing clients to remain, provided their behaviour is placid.
     
  19. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    249
    Next week I am viewing another home and an LA worker is visiting to do a 'needs assessment', he is bringing a 'checklist' apparently. Any comments on this?
     
  20. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,466
    I had a visit last week. It seemed a check box session.
    The careworker wanted to know how many time he e.g choked on food
    How many times he did this or that. She seemed calmly frustrated I could not give definitive answers to anything. Not knowing me or him did not help.
    There are so many ifs, when and buts.
    Yesterday was a quiet day, a routine and a morning doze. Then visitors, his face lit up at seeing a loved grandson, he put in the appropriate comments. Then they left, he was tired and was restless walking around with a stick looking for the very stick. Trying to get the case worker to understand every action has a chain reaction, for good or bad is something quite hard to do on a check box visit. If the was a one for Carers attitude it was probably obstructive. I just could not give definitive answers.
    The bed time carer came early, he was exhausted so an early night for us both.
     

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